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#Post#: 11--------------------------------------------------
My In-Progess Story
DIR By: Cocowife
Date: January 12, 2017, 3:32 am
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Warning, really long post where I talk about my current
situation. I didn't censor any words, but the only word
mentioned is v*. No graphic details.
I'm 18 years old and a first year student at university. I've
had emetophobia for as long as I can remember. One of my saddest
memories is me leaning over the toilet about to vomit probably
around age 6. I told my mom "I would rather die than be here",
and she broke down crying.
As a child, I suffered from GERD, which was 'controlled' by
prescription and diet. Of course, as any 8 year old would, I
occasionally strayed from my limited diet, almost always
resulting in a night spent on the bathroom floor. I usually
didn't vomit, but I was always convinced I would. I begged my
parents to help me, but there was nothing they could do. For
about 5 years, I suffered from regular nausea accompanied by
what I would later recognize as anxiety attacks.
The next few years of my life were better. I grew out of some of
my GERD, and my diet was able to become much more normal. I also
gained more self control, resulting in less stomach episodes. I
still became massively uncomfortable when people around me
mentioned they didn't feel well. I would lock myself in my
bedroom and starve myself when family members were ill, but
those moments were few and far between.
Then things began to go downhill the beginning of 2016. I
started getting stomach aches, but not my regular stomach aches.
I would be nauseated, and I felt the need to gag. My stomach was
always in knots, flipping, fluttering around. But, there was
never the distinct pain I assosciated with a stomach ache. These
episodes would begin at night, and I would be awake all night,
part of the time spent in a state of extreme anxiety. I missed
events, I left places, I cancelled plans. It started affecting
my life more than I appreciated.
Then, two weeks before I moved out for college, I got sick. I
felt nauseous and carsick and generally stale for a few hours. I
didn't think much of it until I started dry heaving. I did
vomit, but I'm not sure if it was because I was actually sick or
if I tricked my mind into it. But, the next two weeks were hell.
I was constantly nauseated. I couldn't eat more than a few
crackers without nearly vomiting. One morning after being up all
night, I was convinced I was going to vomit. I already had a
migraine, which I thought was just a headache, so I took
aspirin, which I think triggered my stomach. In the chaos of
being sick and having a headache, I started to shake, which is
normal for me. Then my hands and feet went numb, and I started
to become dizzy. My mother took me to the ER, where they said I
was having an anxiety attack. My heartrate was 150, despite
being seated and apparently calm. They admitted me to do testing
to see why I was constantly sick though. They sent me home with
no answers, but I got a prescription for Pantoprazole and
Zofran. That night, my headache came back.
The next two days were spent in excruciating pain. My pain was a
10/10 in my head. I couldn't sleep, eat, or do anything other
than lay in bed and cry. My parents took me back to the ER,
where they gave me a cocktail of meds to relieve the pain and
induce sleep. I had a nasty reaction to one, but I barely
remember it. They apparently did more tests, but nothing was
helpful. I went home again.
Then I had to move out and go to college. I was terrified. I
spent the day sobbing into my mothers shoulder begging her to
let me stay. Move in day was spent cradling a trash can while my
parents set up my bed for me to lay down. Then they left me. I
hate that they left me. I don't blame them, and I'm glad they
made me go to school. Letting me drop out would have been
letting me give up. I appreciate what they did, but I still hate
that they left me.
The first week of school was rough, but my stomach settled down
almost immediately. I didn't have many headaches either. It all
ended right after I moved in to school, which has me convinced
it was all in my mind. I didn't feel nervous to go to school,
but maybe I just didn't realize it. It makes me upset and angry.
I dreamed about the day I would leave my small town in the
middle of nowhere, but when it came time to, this happened.
Ever since then, I've had some episodes. About every two weeks,
I get stomach aches which cause me to stay up all night and
panic. I've begun seeing a counselor, and he suggests CBT,
including exposure therapy. I'm so incredibly scared for
exposure therapy. What will they make me do?
I'm currently at home on break, and I'm experiencing some of the
same symptoms as the end of summer. Nonstop nausea. No appetite.
Increased anxiety and panic. I have to wonder, am I actually
sick or is it just my mind tricking itself?
Sorry for such a long post. If you made it to the end, thanks
for reading. It felt nice to write everything out. I'm very much
a work in progress when it comes to managing my emetophobia and
anxiety, so please feel free to share any advice!
#Post#: 13--------------------------------------------------
Re: My In-Progess Story
DIR By: paulinek
Date: January 13, 2017, 8:25 am
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I think if the tests haven't shown a physical reason then it
probably is anxiety causing your symptoms. Anxiety can cause
real physical feelings and sensations so it's not to be
underestimated. I've always found that my emet is worse when I'm
going through and unhappy or stressful time in my life and it's
when I'm happy and relaxed generally that it gets better.
Try and find something that relaxes you whether it's yoga,
meditation, long hot baths, walking or whatever and make the
effort to do it every day. Find something fun to do that'll
distract you as well if you feel anxiety symptoms coming on - I
like playing sim city buildit, Pokémon Go and hanging with
friends on my phone.
You're doing brilliantly even if you do not feel like you are.
Just being at college is a massive achievement!
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