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#Post#: 131--------------------------------------------------
Eating disorder experience was traumatizing?
DIR By: strawburby
Date: February 8, 2026, 6:14 pm
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Ive had somebody tell me before that you cant traumatize
yourself. that hurt me lol
anyways, i started my ed because i wanted my pain to be visible,
pain that i didnt think i could express. I wasnt
"successful" for most of my ed cause like bro i was hungry..,
but eventually by 8th grade (it started in 6th grade) i was
restricting consistently and i had gotten to a point where i was
significantly skinnier than i had been throughout my whole
childhood. Not that i hadnt lost a lot of weight as a result of
my ed before, its just that now i finally was starting to "look"
like my disorder.
On the day of my then best friend's birthday, she also had
an ed, and i knew, and she would give me the occasional pitiful
look cause i was visibly and obviously very exhausted and low
energy due to not eating enough. It was my lowest weight ever,
and she said nothing at all. We didn't talk about it at all.
We didnt support each others ed.
That day was super stressful for me cause my tight control was
being challenged, and by the end of the sleep over, i realized
that if even she was gonna say nothing, would anybody notice? I
genuinely fell into the worst despair, i could not stop crying
for days. I know where this pipeline leads. At that point, the
hope that it will end eventually shattered. It was all just dark
with a looming lonely death and more emotional pain as my
parents, my mom, would continue to try to convince me to stop.
Its very hopeless to be in that place and i was too aware of it.
i reached a crossroads, but i never liked letting my emotions
dictate my actions, so i chose to tell my mom that i think i
need help. She asked me if i was sure which lead me to second
guess myself really badly. later she told me she just asked if i
was sure because of idk something i said before or something i
dont remember.
Whether or not i believed my own disorder depended on if she
believed it. If nobody else believed it, was it actually real?
Recalling what comes next is genuinely triggering it hurts so
much to remember how my mom doubted me and how i interpreted
that. It hurts in my brain. my heart, it feels like a rubber
band smacking against my heart and all of my muscles
I tried recovering on my own, i fell into extreme hunger,
stopped as soon as i gained literally everything back, the shame
and disgust with myself was terrible before the extreme hunger
even hit, i genuinely felt suicidal that i was not getting
support. It was so much pain, it was so incredibly intense,
there was no signal to me that anyone took it seriously. My
extreme distress signals were not seen. I doubted myself. It
felt like i was so consumed by my disorder, and yet i felt like
i couldnt even call it an eating disorder. That word always
stuck in my throat. Me and Eating Disorder. Cause i believed i
was being dramatic. After 6 months of my self recovery,
especially during the extreme hunger phase, i was so terrified
that i was falling into binge eating disorder that i started
taking laxatives so at least i can get bulimia as a diagnosis.
Crazy imposter syndrome. by this point i was in high school and
i was very depressed, but i believed it wasnt that bad because
thats what it felt like my environment was telling me. I wont
even get into how badly mental health services failed me in the
beginning, but eventually one of the counselors timidly spoke up
and said that they think i should get an assessment with the ed
clinic. That was very very triggering for me. As he was telling
me why he thought so, the background faded into gray behind him
and the features on his face started to morph. I was sobbing
really hard and i really needed an outlet for it all. It was
recommended for me to go into residential where i was diagnosed
finally with depression and anorexia.
Something that adds that i havent mentioned is that when i was
in 6th grade, only 3 months into my ed, i hit the same rock
bottom i hit in 8th grade, the only difference was my weight
being higher. I had suggested to my parents that i might have
anorexia and they didnt understand. But i was right
Another thing that had developed around the same time was that
my knee started clicking and feeling pain and grinding, like the
knee cap was grinding bone to bone, but that was dismissed. My
mom said it was salt, that i was eating too much salt [emoji88]
turns out, because of my rapid weight gain and poor support and
coping strategies, i had started to walk toe first because i
could not stand to hear the weight of my foot steps, which after
a year manifested as my kneecaps misaligning and actually
grinding on each other. The fact that i was dismissed and then i
discovered i was right triggered me again.
Those experiences i consider genuinely traumatic, very
traumatic, i fear intensely going back to those days, i will
crash out if i remember that time or if i feel like i am not
being understood. It triggers me when someone doesnt understand
me and what im saying, and when they dont act like they trust my
word. Those experiences impacted me very significantly, it
taught me that the world couldnt handle my emotions and
experiences and that i am not trustworthy, i cannot trust myself
and my own judgment. I cannot trust my own suffering. It makes
me mentally check all the time, how im coming off, over
explaining to make sure that people are assessing me correctly,
making sure i have every detail, and checking if my emotions and
reactions will be seen as "valid." Yes, ive gotten way better at
that in the last few years, but it still affects me greatly and
its the barrier for me feeling like i truly recovered. And what
i mean by truly recovered is that those things will no longer be
a concern of mine, and or my world will stop revolving around
the purpose of my ed and the understanding to make up for the
lack of it in my middle school. I associate weight gain no
matter the context as danger, danger that my weight is out if
control, i see things that remind me the time in my ed as
danger, going back to that time, even in theory, is very
threatening to me. Feeling like my needs are neglected again for
WHATEVER the reason is very triggering.
I cant believe i was told that you cant traumatize yourself. I
didnt neglect myself. I didnt fail myself.
Does anyone else feel like their ed experience was traumatizing?
sigh
on a side note, i used this forum in 8th grade and BY IN MYYYYY
DAY.....
back then you could edit the "sent from my whatever using
tapatalk" to say literally whatever you wanted, and i was so
ready to edit it to say sent from my badussy [emoji20]
Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
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