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Emotional Anorectics Anonymous
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#Post#: 9--------------------------------------------------
perpetuated trauma
DIR By: Emotional Anorectics Anon
Date: March 28, 2021, 7:43 pm
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In the few instances where I have been romantically involved it
was likely a love addiction. The main component described below
is the recreation of the trauma from the past in a current
relationship. This may not be a different disorder but just one
way that the love addiction is perpetuated
-
I avoid responsibility for myself by delegating power to others
under the guise of intimacy
[li]When I share all of my triggers (things that push me out of
control of myself) with a woman it is partly to get closer to
her. I’m letting you see the deeper me. There are also
ulterior motives. I am handing her the power to use that
information on or against me. Furthermore, I am delegating the
responsibility along with it. Though I want certain things to
happen I don't want to be responsible when they occur so I hint
at them and push the envelope until she seemingly makes the
decision for me. I then blame her for my lack of self control
when in reality that control was given with my consent.
[/li]
-
Craving intimacy, I share on a deep, emotional level regardless
of risk and without really knowing the other person.
[li]I have had only a few long term relationships (long term for
me is 6 months). In those cases, and in short 1 or 2 date
situations I tend to overshare very personal, deep, intimate
things about myself much faster than normal and too fast for a
healthy relationship. Loose intimacy like that is not safe.
The other person may not reciprocate--may not even be capable.
Also, the other person may use the information against me even
if they don't directly intend it.
-
After we ended a relationship as friends, someone I dated had
resentment and played the victim with her next romantic interest
by telling him things about me. This included information about
my addiction and recovery. When his jealousy came between our
friendship he attempted to use this information against me.
[/li]
- I recreate and relive trauma from my past by putting myself
into inappropriate situations
[li]I have never felt abused but I have always recognized that
some things that happened to me in childhood were inappropriate.
I now see them as traumatic.
-
When an inappropriate relationship starts I become passive and
hesitant. I initiate only enough to get a process started then
wait for her to act upon me. She will make suggestions and I
will agree. She will push the envelope often after hints from
me. I then feel trapped and powerless in the inappropriate
situation. like the traumatic event I am enjoying what is
happening but feel guilty for being there and for the pleasure.
[/li]
- I have never felt sexual pleasure without guilt.
[li]A second trauma occurs at the end of the first
-
When the inappropriate situation ends there is usually no way to
get closure--no discussion of what happened--no explanation of
why it started or stopped. Left with no communication from the
other party my mind is left to wonder why? How? What if? The
trauma is amplified by attempts to communicate with the other
party at the same intimate level as before but it won't work
because they are no longer willing or able.
[/li]
- I am intoxicated by intimacy.
[li]Like abused substance s it eclipses the rest of life
- I have little experience with intimacy on all three levels at
the same time; physical, emotional, spiritual. I am sober
without intimacy but if I get a little it starts to impair my
judgement. Add in more and like other substances I cannot make
healthy decisions. When feeling that level of closeness with
another person I no longer care if our core values don't match.
It doesn't matter to me that the relationship cannot be
sustained. I am lost in the moment--a feeling which itself
affect s me greatly--basking in the euphoria of a connection
with someone else. In that moment the feeling eclipses the rest
of my life.
[/li]
- I suppress desires and needs because I am traumatized by
disappointment
[li]I hate the feeling of being disappointed so much that I
would rather not want anything. No wants equals no
disappointment in my unhealthy thinking. The truth is that I do
have wants, needs, desires but I have to pretend that I don't to
satisfy this life philosophy which puts me in heavy cognitive
dissonance. It wants on my body and soul to live that way and
eventually I am overcome by some compulsory activity.
[/li]
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