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Emotional Anorectics Anonymous
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#Post#: 7--------------------------------------------------
Making Progress
DIR By: Emotional Anorectics Anon
Date: March 28, 2021, 7:25 pm
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I am an emotional anorectic. I use this label because I have a
compulsion to avoid emotions. Each day I wake up and try to
identify how I am feeling. Sometimes I give up after 45
minutes.
For those of you who have emotions all the time it may sound
foreign or impossible but emotionally I feel nothing most of the
time. When I do feel something it is often difficult to
identify what it is.
People ask, “how are you” and I can't answer because I don't
know. I have to stop and think which adds moments of awkward
silence followed by a not well thought out answer of “I’m
hungry”. That’s my goto because for a long time I was hungry
all of the time. I hate the ‘Fine’ cliche so I refuse to use
it.
When I say these things people assume that I am avoiding
sadness. While sadness is one of the emotions I have avoided,
happiness is another one. I hate happiness. I know you don't
believe that--no one does--unless you are an anorectic like
myself. I hate happiness because my happiest moments remind me
of loss. I feel the pain of losing my ex girlfriend every time
I think about the joy I felt when we were together. I would
rather not be happy than to feel this complex mix of emotions
often described as bitter-sweet.
I have lived most of my life without love. I had no close
friends, didn't stay close to family, and didn't date. I did
not date or kiss anyone for 15 years and also didn't go anywhere
or do anything with groups and didn't go to bars or clubs. I
stayed home if I wasn't at work or church. The church community
was small and shrinking. In fact, I was the last member to
leave.
This lifestyle brought me extreme loneliness which I duly
ignored. Like ignoring and stuffing, some of the other coping
mechanisms I developed were unhealthy. One of the handful of
women I went on a date with diagnosed me as clinically depressed
after dinner. “But, I don’t feel depressed.” I said.
Thankfully, I can say that I have love in my life now. It’s not
from a girlfriend or spouse because I don't have one of those.
The love I feel comes from friends and communities which make me
feel welcome. I now have close friends and people who invite me
to be a part of their lives. In difficult times, these are the
people I turn to for support. When I’m sad or grieving they are
the shoulders I cry on. When celebrating an event they make
sure I get an invitation even if it means extra work for them
because I’m not on facebook. These are the people to whom I
send ‘I love you’ messages on Valentine’s day.
I’m still learning to be an authentic human being which involves
having emotions in real time. Though I am still numb on a
regular basis when emotions show up I work hard at not pushing
them away. It is still difficult as my body is accustomed to
pushing anything away before it surfaces. Sometimes I feel
things long enough to write about it. I wrote this paragraph a
while back.
“I recognize and allow emotions to be a part of healthy living.
It makes me proud to think of the progress up to this point.
Having come from a lonely, isolated lifestyle of numbing out and
unhealthy living, I am wholeheartedly grateful for the love in
my life now.”
When I read it I ask myself, “Did I write that?” It’s so
‘mushy’ and emotional. Ugh. It kind of disgusts me but that’s
the anorectic talking. Even so, the fact that I wrote it is
more evidence that I am making progress.
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