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       #Post#: 12--------------------------------------------------
       Early Childhood
   DIR By: Emotional Anorectics Anon
       Date: May 2, 2021, 9:10 am
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       I don't remember playing catch with my father.  I’m sure it
       happened but I can’t recall any instances of it.  I do remember
       my father pushing me on a tire swing in the front yard and being
       so excited that I didn’t notice I had to pee.  Noticing that I
       wet myself a little my father scolded me.  When I started crying
       the scolding turned to yelling.  “Shut up before I give you
       something to cry about!”  This was not the only time I heard
       that statement.
       I have another early childhood memory of following my mother
       through the store.  Passing through the toy aisle I noticed
       something that excited me and stopped.  My mother told me to
       keep up but I didn’t listen and she left me there.  The next
       thing I remember is crying as a stranger asks the front desk to
       announce over the loudspeaker that my parents should come get
       me.  My father showed up and I recall him arguing with my mother
       over it.
       I’m still that lost little kid standing in the store asking, “Am
       I not important enough to be noticed?”
       Growing up I learned that emotions are not safe: excitement gets
       me in trouble; sadness leads to even bigger trouble.  These are
       the memories I have from early childhood--hard lessons about
       self value and controlling emotions to stay safe.  There was no
       physical abuse in my home but the scars on my heart and psyche
       had a life altering impact.
       Knowing and seeing this, what do I do now?  It has been a long
       road to recovery.  At 40 I still hated emotions and tried to
       control them.  In fact, I didn't have to try because I am hard
       wired to turn them off.  I began a practice when they sometimes
       rise to the surface to stay present--pause, feel.  It often
       works and that is progress.  Maybe one day I will feel all the
       time but for a long time every emotion is overwhelming.  That’s
       ok.  I will not give up.
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