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#Post#: 39413--------------------------------------------------
Conker vs. The Evily bad the great war!
By: Stinger Date: July 26, 2017, 10:52 pm
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Conker was once again drinking beer on his couch as usual when a
demon known as the Evilly Bad appeared. He was a black and
purple cloud monster but for some reason he needed a bat and
used it to beat Conker down onto the floor.
"Ow! What in the ****?!" Conker yelled before realizing who it
was. "Evilly Bad! I knew you would come for me!"
Conker took out his butter knife and used it to battle the evily
bad blade to bat. Sparks, explosions and chaos reigned for ten
seconds until the evilly bad kicked Conker in the nuts defeating
him. The pain made Conker so angry he punched the ground and
jumped up and summoned the sparkly good which enabled him to
evaporate the evilly bad. With the villain defated our hero went
to the bar and ordered 30 beers which he proceeded to drink.
Unfortunately he had a gun and began shooting up the place which
angered the bartender.
"Its time for an ass whippin!" He said taking out his dick and
using it to beat Conker.
Conker once again jumped into the air and summoned the sparkly
good and used it to seize victory. Unfortunately he was so ****
up on beer and carved the word ANTHRAX into his leg with a
knife. He ran out of the bar screaming "CONGO!" at the top of
his lungs until he exploded into a million pieces. He was found
two minuets later helping midgets beat off into garbage cans
forming the beat-off clan. The Evilly Bad joined him and the two
shouted CONGO for ten minuets before they resumed fighting with
neither side getting the victory. Conker snorted some marbles
and went to bed.
The fuckin END!
[hr]
Conker awoke the next day even drunker than ever but sobered up
instantly so he could drink more beer. He sat on the couch when
the Evilly Bad returned and beat him with a hockey stick. The
demon was relentless and kicked him in the dick and ass making
him suffer. Not one to be taken down so easily Conker kipped up
and summoned the sparkly good to shatter him only to have his
ass kicked.
"Damn you evilly bad!" Conker said jerking off. "Why hath thou
doneth this to me!?"
"I wanted to prove that the beat-off clan was nothing without
its glorious leader." Bad said in a monotone.
"No! My clan!" Conker yelled jumping up and summoning the
sparkly good this time shoving it up his ass and using it to
defeat the Evilly Bad who shouted "Bazoongo!" in a little girl
voice.
Conker was so angry that he won he went to the bar and peed on
the floor before ordering 90 beers. The bartender gave him the
drinks 8 beers I he was so drunk he drank the rest and began
singing the pokemon theme song in a brain-damaged voice and
urinated in some guys beer.
"That's my goddamned dogdammned beer!" the broom said, "Tiem for
an asswhippin."
Conker took out his gun and shot the mother fucker dead. That's
when puffhater showed up and forced Conker across its lap and
began slapping the **** out of Conker`s fat ass. Conker got
turned on with every hit, even though it hurt and he was
sexually frustrated with his existence. Puffhater squeezed his
dick and balls as he spanked making him even harder and getting
him off.
"That fuckin hurts. MORE!" COnker yelled as he came in buckets.
Conker`s evil clone came in and stole Conker from Puffhater,
stripped him naked and bent him over his lap beating his ass and
forcing Conker to wank off. All the beer, beatings, spankings
and **** made Conker real angry, even madder then his boner. He
was so frustrated that he was getting his stupid sexy ass beat
that he yelled in frustration.
"**** you punk ****, let me go gaddamnit." Conker yelled.
"I`ll shove everything up your fuckin ass!" Evil Conker said.
Conker was then spanked with snakes, spiders, cyclopses, ogers,
bears, wheezer, whooty and the blowfish!
Conker came so hard it ripped up the space time continuum, he
then realized the Evilly bad was still on the loose. So he
spanked his own ass, sucked his own dick and fingered his own
butt hole then peed on himself and snorted some computer chips
and went to bed.
The END! POR IS IT?! IT IS!
[hr]
Conker woke up, threw up some blood, slipped on some pee-pee and
sued himself for sexual harassment. He then went downstairs for
beer and lucky charms. Sally showed up and punched him in the
face so he jumped up and farted everywhere defeating her. After
returning to breakfast he received an e-mail.
"Dear Conker.
**** YOU!
Love-the Evilly Bad"
"Aw what a swell guy." Conker said going to drink more beer.
After his 90th beer Conker took a **** but out came blood, he'd
finally given himself a uti.
"At long last...RUBY SPERM!" He yelled, drumming on his head and
joining the clan in the trash can.
The clan all jacked off and did push-ups to celebrate the
on-coming red baby. Conker did the victory dance of kings until
Evil Conker showed up jacking on, the opposite of jacking off.
This angered the clan enough to go into combat with him. Evil
Conker and good Conker dueled with orange guns and black swords.
"Evil Conker, why are you here?!" Conker demanded dressed like
Elvis.
"I`m here to lead the clan tto the glorious silver age of ****."
Evil Conker said raising his arms and jazzing, the opposite of
Jizzing.
With that Evil Conker spanked the **** out of every member of
the clan, making their dicks hard and causing them to fill the
cave with cum. This made Conker loose his mind.
"NO! My clan! My glorious, glorious clan!" Conker said jumping
up and summoning the sparkly good and used it to seize victory
over his evil clone.
Evil Conker was defeated and thrown against the wall, Conker
rubbed his dick on his face then **** on him before throwing him
into the air and stabbing him in the armpit. Evil Conker sank
below the earth where he was found by dwarves and converted into
a cyborg.
"Excellent." Evilly Bad said entering the throne room.
"Now...Cyborg No Conker you will destroy the world. But
first...Puffhater you`re up first."
Puffhater bowed and went to wait for Conker in the bar. Conker
meanwhile was still pissing and jizzing blood from all the
damage the beer did to him but didn't give a ****. So he decided
to spank himself and four members of the clan until he got mad
and went to the bar...the milk bar.
"Hey...this isn't my bar!" Conker said taking out his gun and
shooting up the place making Alex mad.
Alex took out a hammer and beat Conker to death with it. Conker
recovered and used the sparkly good to kill Alex and went home.
He went upstairs snorted some nails and went to bed.
To be continued in part 4: Rise of the Puffhater.
[hr]
Conker awoke, rolled out of bed and crawled downstairs to drink
his beer. Having guzzled down ten to fifteen of them he stood up
and took a ****, his urine was still bright red.
"Excellent!" Conker said drumming on his head and jumping in the
trashcan with his midgets.
"Beat off clan!" He said doing his serum. " I have the ruby
sperm! Soon we will enter the titanium age of ****! When the red
child is born! Nothing will stop us from legalizing public ****!
CONGO!"
"CONGO!" The midgets shouted before jacking off into and
drinking their beer.
"Now to the bar! The correct one!" Conker said leading the clan
to the bar that served beer.
Once there he gasped as he saw Puffhater sitting in his favorite
stool. Puffhater was a fat purple and pink, fish-man dressed in
snake-skin boas and a big poofy coat.
"Conker at last you are here." Puffhater said standing up and
jacking in.
This infuriated the clan who attacked Puffhater. Puffhater used
the force and pushed them back. Then pulled all their pants
down, squeezed all their penises and put them across his lap and
spanked em all one at a time. They all came while Conker stood
there not believing what was happening.
"Puffhater! No one can stop my clan!" Conker said jumping up and
summoning the sparkly good and used it to battle Puffhater.
The two battled Puffhater using the semen of the Evilly Bad to
his advantage and almost defated Conker. Conker jacked off and
drank two beers, with the power of liquor, Conker channeled his
sparkly good into his gun and blew the Puffhater`s head
sky-high!
"NO! My glory! My Blowjobs! No!" Puffhater said as he died.
Conker did the victory dance of kings and spanked his own ass
before ordering ten beers and drinking them all with his clan
who jacked off as slowly as possible. They returned home with
Conker.
"Damn it Puffhater is no more!" Evilly Bad said from Conker`s
garage. "Cyborg No Conker...you`re up."
Conker punched his mirror, yelled about how he wished he could
make his father laugh again, then snorted some soap and went to
bed.
To be continued in part 5: Attack of the Cyborg.
[hr]
Conker awoke once again realizing how shite his exisitance had
become since the 1994. Conker shouted out loud in his
frustration then cried in his sorrow before going to the
bathroom to see if he still had his uti. He did. So he went
downstairs and used his tears to wet his cereal as he ate it
then went into the living room to cry some more. Berri came in
and punched him in the face.
"So when are we gonna do this?" She asked.
"ARJHB KV DSHJB RHKB RDRH H VH BFDH VJD C!" Conker yelled,
"Now."
Conker led her into the trashcan lair of the beat-off clan and
took her clothes off.
"Beat off clan! Today at this moment, I`m gonna impregnate this
loser with the red child!" He said.
Conker got hard and proceeded to have sex with Berri, cumming
inside of her. It hurt him a lot and he screamed in pain as his
ruby sperm entered her. He fell down and twitched in pain.
44t4y666y665eg seconds later he resurrected and spoke to the
clan.
"Beat off clan! Today we have made history. We have finally
achieved victory! When the red child is born we shall rule the
world! CONGO!" Conker yelled.
"CONGO!" The midgets yelled jumping up and down and jacking off.
"Conker I feel sick." Berri said, throwing up.
Conker ignored her and left for the bar. Once he got there he
gasped and saw Cyborg No Conker waiting for him. He was
completely mechanical except for his nuts and was armed with
beer guns.
"W-W-W-W-W-Who are you?" Conker asked politely.
"I am Cyborg No Conker." He said, "I was Evil Conker until the
Evilly bad fixed me. But that is irrelevant...I am...a machine!"
Conker ran away as Cyborg No Conker destroyed the bar. He hunted
Conker down and gave him a hard spanking. He slapped his ass so
hard it made Conker angry.
"Man I'mma quit this job if I'mma get a spanking all the time."
Conker said, "Stop I'm gonna cry."
"Wimp." Cyborg No Conker said using his belt to spank Conker.
Conker dissolved into a puddle and reformed with a red ass.
"Man my ass is red now!" Conker said jumping up into the air and
summined the sparkly good to battle the evil Cyborg.
Cyborg No Conker was stronger than Puffhater however and
absorbed the attack beating up then beating off Conker. Conker
couldn't believe his defeat. So he shoved the sparkly good up
his own ass and tried to evaporate Cyborg No Conker. Cyborg No
Conker brushed the damage off then bombed him and blasted him
with a laser. Conker broke out his emergency beer and guzzled
it, channeling the sparkly good into his gun and used it to blow
Cyborg No Conker sky high! But it didn't work!
"My moves no!" He yelled.
Cyborg No Conker jacked in and used his subation to defeat
Conker and dragged him back to Evilly Bad's lair.
"Now with Conker, the beat off clan is nothing." Evilly bad
said, "Charge the laser."
Conker snorted some rocks and went to bed, waiting for tomorrow.
To be continued in part 6: escape from evil!
[hr]
Conker woke up and realized he was still in jail. He shouted in
his anger and jumped up and down then throwing himself into the
iron bars then head-butted the bars and spit on the wall.
Finally he summoned the sparkly good and used it to free
himself. He ran down the hall the ran into a wall. He ran down
the hall then ran into a window. He ran down the hall then ran
into a door. Frustrated he used the sparkly good to find his way
out, then found his way to the bar and began drinking lots and
lots of beer. The bartender realized who he was and whipped out
his dick to kill him. Conker took out his butter knife and used
it to seize victory then ran down the hall to the villain's
throne room.
Conker No Cyborg and the Evilly Bad were charging the laser
cannon to seize victory.
"Soon...the beat off clan will die and when the red child is not
born, subation will replace ****, jacking on will replace
jacking off and we will rule the world." Evilly Bad said.
"What about Conker?" Cyborg No Conker asked.
"Kill him." Evilly bad ordered.
Cyborg No Conker turned around and saw Conker Jacking off and
holding his gun.
"Now we will solve this!" Conker said using the alcohol in his
system to channel the sparkly good into his gun.
Cyborg No Conker performed kung fu and fought Conker to the
pain, punching each others fists, kicking each others feet and
dancing like losers. Cyborg No Conker seized victory and punched
him in the stomach and jacked on making Conker mad.
Unfortunately theryefr was nothing he could do and Cyborg No
Conker bombed him.
"Now the clan is nothing." Evilly Bad said destroying their
trash can lair.
Conker gasped in horror as his clan was destroyed. He stood up
shaking and trembling in fear.
"My clan...my red child...NO!" Conker yelled falling to his
knee.
"No you piece of ****...its not over yet." The Sparkly Good said
whispering to him.
Conker knew what he had to do. He stood up, jacked off on his
gun infused with the sparkly good and poured beer on it. His gun
turned red and Conker evolved into Sparkly Good crimson.
"My uti...its gone." He said, "Thank you my father."
Cyborg No Conker ran up to him to fight him, only for Conker to
blow him away and kicked his ass.
"No...I am a machine, how could I lose?!" Cyborg No Conker said
raising his arm.
"Conker...KICK!" Conker said jumping up and performing his rider
kick and killing Cyborg No Conker.
Evilly Bad fled his lair and returned to Conker`s garage.
"You have lost Conker the beat off clan is no more and victory
is mine." Evilly Bad said.
Conker returned home and did some push ups. He found the
remnants of the clan`s trash can lair and cried until he found a
sticky note.
"Dear Conker
**** YOU! We went to hide in the grocery store. Berri is fine.
Love the Beat Off Clan."
"Its not over yet!" Conker said.
He went upstairs and snorted some garbage then went to bed.
To be continued in part 7: The clan returns!
[hr]
Conker woke up and screamed at the top of his lungs in anger and
agony. He weeded about never making his parents proud or ever
getting to see his parents or jungle friends again. So to cure
this he went down stairs and went to get some beer. Afterwards
he went to the grocery store and joined the beat-off clan in
their new bathroom lair. He dressed up like Roman Reigns and was
joined by his wife Berri who was now ten weeks pregnant.
"Behold minions!" He said doing his serum. "In a manner of
months the all powerful red child shall be born and we...THE
BEAT OFF CLAN! Shall lead mankind in a new age of self-pleasure.
Beer, semen and guns for all! CONGO!"
"CONGO!" The clan yelled.
"Anthrax!" Conker yelled.
"Anthrax!" They yelled.
Conker danced magic dance and led the clan out to the bar only
to remember it was destroyed. Conker punched the ground and
cursed his existence wishing he was never born. He led the clan
to the other bar and ordered 1000 beers for himself and his
clan. They did push ups, sit ups and jacked off into their
beers. Conker was so damaged by the beer he peed into some guys
beer.
"My beer! **** you man!" The guy said getting into a fight with
Conker.
Conker summoned the sparkly good and seized victory then drank
more beer. Suddenly the Evilly Bad showed up.
"No! Why are YOU here damn IT!" Conker said dressed like Elvis.
"To end the beat off clan." Evilly Bad said.
He stepped aside and legions of burger men and dwarves appeared.
They battled Conker and the clan and almost won. Conker summoned
the sparkly good and activated crimson mode and used it to end
this army. Evilly Bad admitted defeat and ran away. He returned
to Conker`s garage and summoned his elite squad. The
evil...flower girl troupe. Rose, Lotus, Tulip and Carnation
arrived.
"Excellent...now the beat off clan is nothing." Evilly Bad said.
"Tommorow we storm the grocery store and destroy them!"
The girls pissed themselves and shouted CONGO at the top of
their lungs. Meanwhile Conker snorted some chocolate and went to
bed.
Blah Blah Blah: tbc, Yadda Yadda Yadda:pt8: The I`ll think of a
title later.
[hr]
Conker awoke tired, tired of everything. The beer, the war with
the Evilly bad, the pain and the self-pleasure. He was so tired
he woke up and walked on his knees downstairs and actually ate
his cereal with milk instead of booze. He curled up in a ball
cursing the day he was ever born.
"Well...I guess I`ll go see the clan...like I give a ****."
Conker said crawling to the grocery store bathroom to meet the
clan.
"Hey clan or whatever...blah, blah, blah...we will do the
something when the red child is born or whatever." Conker said
giving his serum dressed like prince. "Uh congo or whatever."
"CONGO!" The clan cheered doing pushups.
Berri arrived, she was now four months pregnant and kicked
Conker in the nuts before walking away. The beat-off clan
carried Conker to the other bar and began getting wasted on
beer. Conker was too sad to celebrate so he drank some water and
cried into a bowl of nuts.
"Anthrax!" The flower troupe shouted entering the bar and
storming it with butter knives.
The clan panicked and jacked off trying to defeat them. Finally
Rose, Tulip, Lotus and Carnation used their powers to defeat the
clan. Conker turned around shouted in anger when he saw his clan
defeated.
"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"
Conker yelled.
Rose kicked him in the dick, Tulip kicked his ass, Lotus beat
his head in, and Carnation smashed his spine in with a hockey
puck. Conker fell to the ground in defeat. The flower troupe
kicked his head in and peed on him to humiliate him and put his
**** ass in place.
"I`ve lost...my dream...its over." Conker said as he slowly
died.
"No **** wad...you...will live." Sparkly good said resurrecting
him.
Conker jacked off onto his gun, poured beer on it and shoved it
up his ass. He evolved into sparkly good infinity and was
dressed in a white bathrobe.
"Now...I am Conker infinity!" Conker said using his power to
instantly evaporate Carnation.
"Anthrax!" They yelled charging at him.
Conker side-stepped them, kicking Lotus in the butt and making
her die. Then punched Tulip in the stomach and evaporating her.
Rose escaped however and Conker was too lazy to chase her and
went back to the bartender and drank more beer. The clan
resurrected and cheered, they did push ups, sit-ups and drank
beer with semen in it to celebrate. Conker drummed on his head
and carved ANTHRAX into his leg and back flipped out of the bar.
Conker spun in a circle and led the clan into a new lair...the
bulldozer.
"Rose you have failed." Evilly Bad said to her.
"Anthrax! So what, Evil Conker, and puffhater are dead so all
you have is me!" Rose said pissing her self.
"Good point, very well, tomorrow the red baby will be born...so
we will destroy it and replace jacking off with jacking on and
jizzing with jazzing." He said.
Conker punched the wall and cursed the day he was born and asked
why his mother was never proud of him. Conker peed in his sink
and went upstairs. He snorted some glass and went to bed.
Next week! Part 9: The...Red...Child!
[hr]
Conker woke up looked at his dick then realized what day it was.
It was the day the red child would be born. He leaped out of bed
drumming on his head and jacking off as he ran to the bulldozer.
The clan celebrated by doing push-ups, situps and banging their
heads against the wall. Conker did a backflip and led Berri onto
the stage. She was nine months pregnant and was minuets away
from giving birth.
"At long last beat-off clan!" Conker said dressed like smith.
"The Red child will be born and we will rule the **** universe!
Anthrax!"
"ANTHRAX!" The clan yelled drinking beer.
Berri screamed as the red child was born. The clan ooed and awed
as Rifiki held the boy high up into the air.
gf4w3tge4brntnh6rnyf seconds later the Red child became a pure
red teenager. He held out his arms towards Conker, and Conker
grabbed it in awe.
"Wheres my fuckin allowance dad?" He asked.
"WHUT!" Conker said brushing his teeth. "But you are the red
child, you`re supposed to legalize public ****!"
"I aint doin that **** you!" Red said, "Get a job you fuckin
loser."
He went to the back of the bulldozer and smoked some weed.
"Well...this was anti-climactic." Conker said walking into a
wall.
The Rose, last remaining member of the flower troupe arrived and
began shooting up the clan. The clan panicked and masturbated in
fear as they were mowed down. Conker yelled and back flipped
into a wall before activating his infinity mode and ran up to
Rose challenging her to a fight. They fought with kung fu,
boxing, wrestling, lilac, wheezer, hooty and the blowfish! Rose
couldn't go on so Conker kicked her face in causing her to
explode.
"Damn you son why didn't you help you gay ass mother fucker?"
Conker demanded dressed like a plant.
"**** you dad I`m laving." Red said blasting him with a laser
then going into outer space.
Conker cut his loses and lead the clan to the bar. They all sat
quietly and drank beer politely then did some pushups before
going home.
"Conker is doomed, with the Red child gone, we...I mean
me...will replace jacking off with jacking on." Evilly Bad said
before going into the sewers to summon his minions.
Conker looked up at the stars then screamed in rage before going
back to his house. He sucked his own dick then went to the
bathroom. He snorted some ants then went to bed.
Some time in the future: PT. 10 THE FINALE!
[hr]
"At long last all my forces have been gathered." Evilly Bad said
as he stood before the assembled masses of Dwarves, Burger-men,
assholes, ****-heads and fuckwads on life. "Today we storm the
lair of the beat-off clan and destroy them. Today we end
Conker`s loathsome existence and the existence of his loathsome
clan. Today we replace jacking off with jacking on. **** with
Subation. And jazzing with jazzing! Today, tomorrow and the day
after that belongs...to me!"
His forces all jacked on then left the sewers to charge the beat
off clan`s bulldozer lair. Conker meanwhile had finally woken up
and went downstairs. He did some push-ups and drank some beer
before looking for Berri. She was cheating on him with a robot.
He accepted his losses and went outside. Conker sat on the porch
contemplating how he got here. His existence was nothing, he
spent all his time jerking off with midgets, getting into gun
fights and getting cucked by robots. He stood up and screamed at
the top of his lungs about how he never made anyone proud, how
he failed to get a sequel to his game and he wanted nothing more
than to make Berri love him again. He knew none of that would
happen so he went to join the clan in their lair.
The lair was currently under assault which made Conker loose his
goddamn mind and he banged on his head and ran around screaming
"Migdula!" at the top of his lungs. The forces of the Evilly bad
jacked on which made the Clan so angry they attacked with
screwdrivers and got **** up the ass for their troubles.
"Conker the beat-off clan is nothing, the red child has
abandoned you. And you suck ass." Evilly Bad said Jacking on
then jazzing.
Conker activated infinity mode and jacked off as hard as
possible. His gun turned pure white and he healed the clans sore
buttholes.
"Clan...today, red child or no...we prove our value!" Conker
said, "CONGO!"
"Congo!" The clan cheered running around in circles.
The midgets defeated all of the evil forces and drank beer in
victory. Evilly bad growled in anger and consumed all of the
midgets into itself growing to an enormous height and shitting
them all out.
"My
clan!NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ANTHRAX! CONGO! MIGDULA!"
Conker did some push-ups drank some beer and channeled the
sparkly good into his dick. He jumped up and **** the Evilly
Bad`s face causing the demon to fade out of existence.
"I will return one day. This I promise." Evilly Bad said as he
died.
Conker looked around and realized he had nothing. No clan, no
red child, no Berri and the sparkly good left him once and for
all. His gun melted and the bar he went to closed down. Conker
went home and drank some soda he did some situps then went
upstairs. He looked at himself in the mirror and took off his
glove. He snorted them and his cum then went to bed for the
final time. The next day he died of being a lame-ass.
THE FUCKIN END MOTHA FUCKA!
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