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#Post#: 1187--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: swifty
Date: October 13, 2013, 12:26 am
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[sub]i know, i was just mentioning that to you, and saying that
i wasn't quite sure if you already knew that or not because
skully is a name and so it automatically has a capital letter.
[quote=Lil]Blue orbs peered out of the overgrowth, glinting
coldly in the pale moonlight. And after a few moments, a pretty
cream point darted out of the scenery. The female was acting
suspicious . . . Very suspicious. Who was she by the way? She
was dubbed Tragedy, after a horrible event in her history. But
that's not important right now. She was here for some . . .
PetrichorClan, was it? Oh, well, she would memorize the name
eventually. And soon, she was at her final destination.[/quote]
those were basically the only mistakes i could find, or was
tragedy a name? i just don't think that first the 'and' was
necessary. as for the second and, i just think you could have
maybe changed that a bit, or said, 'soon enough' or something.
it just sounds like you're continuing on from the previous
sentence talking about walking there, which you weren't
precisely, you were more talking about why she was going there.
if you get what i mean.
#Post#: 1202--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: Lil
Date: October 13, 2013, 5:30 am
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[center]It was a name, and I see![/center]
#Post#: 1319--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: swifty
Date: October 14, 2013, 3:40 am
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[sub]i realised that when i began to wade through the many posts
i missed xD
anyways, other than those, you're pretty advanced. i mean, no
huge mistakes or anything.
i would consider you an advanced role-player.
i would consider both of you advanced role-players.
#Post#: 1343--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: stormy
Date: October 14, 2013, 10:42 am
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i'd like some help
#Post#: 1548--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: swifty
Date: October 19, 2013, 6:25 pm
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[sub]sure! could you give an rp sample, as well?
#Post#: 1709--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: Jstar
Date: October 31, 2013, 10:13 pm
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I need some help to improve.
Rp Sample-
The small, sleek loner curled up under the leaves of a bush. She
peaked out of the small cracks in the leaves, her amber gaze
burning the moon. She looked back and drew her soft tongue over
her long calico fur. A small nose peaked into the leaves, then
two yellow eyes and a gray face appeared. The beautiful she-cat
let out a purr of surprise and sat back on her hind legs. The
tom smiled and tilted his head questioningly.
#Post#: 2041--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: swifty
Date: November 8, 2013, 4:37 pm
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--- Quote from: Jstar link ---
>
> I need some help to improve.
>
> Rp Sample-
>
> The small, sleek loner curled up under the leaves of a bush.
She peaked out of the small cracks in the leaves, her amber gaze
burning the moon. She looked back and drew her soft tongue over
her long calico fur. A small nose peaked into the leaves, then
two yellow eyes and a gray face appeared. The beautiful she-cat
let out a purr of surprise and sat back on her hind legs. The
tom smiled and tilted his head questioningly.
>
--- End Quote ---
[sub]you are all wonderful role-players. jstar, the only thing i
really have to correct is the part in red--i don't quite
understand what you mean by that. other than that, you could
enlarge the sentences and make them more detailed--the thesaurus
is always a good thing to use.
also, i just want to add, advanced role-players aren't always
the one to use the most complex words or long sentences, but are
the people to use the simple words well, structure their writing
so that it's easy to understand, and use simple words but
explain and define them from the rest, if you understand what
i'm trying to say.
for instance (this is a crappy example, sorry):
instead of saying... 'she padded into the scene excitedly'
you would say... 'amber eyes alight with enthusiasm the delicate
feline padded into the scene'
or something like that.
#Post#: 2089--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: Jstar
Date: November 8, 2013, 9:40 pm
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The red part is explaining that she is glaring at the moon, but
I always but in detail.
#Post#: 2186--------------------------------------------------
Re: willing to teach <3
DIR By: swifty
Date: November 10, 2013, 11:13 pm
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[sub][sub]ah, yes, i understand that now.
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