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#Post#: 10389--------------------------------------------------
Funnies
By: thetruth Date: February 21, 2014, 7:30 pm
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Cardiologist Joke
HTML https://www.facebook.com/photo.php?fbid=10205930965807357&set=a.4022145786122.2158211.1055760185&type=1&theater
10 Fun Facts
HTML https://www.facebook.com/JudgeAlexFerrer/photos/a.10151608642616198.1073741827.41676726197/10151832487536198/?type=1&theater
#Post#: 18577--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: thetruth Date: February 20, 2015, 2:28 am
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An 82-year-old man named Brian went to his doctor for his yearly
check-up…
The doctor asked “Brian, how are you feeling these days” and the
82-year-old said, “things are great, and I’ve never felt better!
I now have a 22-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child.
What do you think about that, doc?”
The doctor considered the question for a minute, and then began
to tell a story.
“Well Brian, I have a friend a little older and much like you,
who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. Last year he
was setting off to go hunting. In a bit of a hurry, he
accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun.”
“As he neared a lake, he came across a very large male beaver
sitting at the water’s edge. He realized he left his gun at
home, and so, he couldn’t shoot the magnificent creature. Out of
habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it was
his favorite hunting rifle, and yelled ‘bang bang’.
Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over
immediately.”
“Now Brian, what do you think of that?” asked the doctor.
The 82-year-old replied, “logic would strongly suggest that
somebody else pumped a few rounds into that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “my point exactly.”
#Post#: 18578--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: Clay Death Date: February 20, 2015, 10:16 am
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ha ha ha ha ha.
that was good.
#Post#: 19499--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: Exotic One Date: March 15, 2015, 11:09 am
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Nice
#Post#: 25064--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: Quinnqueens Date: July 15, 2015, 5:07 am
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That certainly gave me a chuckle this morning, thank you I
needed that. I saw it was posted on 2-20, that was my birthday.
It is a great joke and made me smile this early in the morning!
Thanks and Blessings.
#Post#: 27597--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: thetruth Date: August 23, 2015, 10:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
This is so funny and it's real too!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of
staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
#Post#: 27598--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: thetruth Date: August 23, 2015, 10:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Quinnqueens link=topic=642.msg25064#msg25064
date=1436954823]
That certainly gave me a chuckle this morning, thank you I
needed that. I saw it was posted on 2-20, that was my birthday.
It is a great joke and made me smile this early in the morning!
Thanks and Blessings.
[/quote]
Thanks, I've been neglecting this thread, but anyone post their
funnies here. Be blessed.
#Post#: 27599--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: Clay Death Date: August 23, 2015, 10:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=thetruth link=topic=642.msg27597#msg27597
date=1440385397]
This is so funny and it's real too!
HOW DO COURT RECORDERS KEEP STRAIGHT FACES????
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts and
are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken
down and published by court reporters that had the torment of
staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
-------------------------------------------
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that
morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at
all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something
you forgot?
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in
his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August
8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I
get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a
deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed
on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did
you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________
And last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you
check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive
when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.
----------------------------------------------------------------
----------------------------------------------------------------
-----------
[/quote]
ha ha ha. this is funny stuff.
how did I miss it.
#Post#: 27602--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: thetruth Date: August 24, 2015, 12:52 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I just posted it a few hours ago.
#Post#: 27708--------------------------------------------------
Re: Funnies
By: Clay Death Date: August 24, 2015, 11:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Redneck Joke
You might be a redneck if you let your sixteen year old daughter
smoke at the dinner table...
...in front of her kids.
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