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Camelot Fantasies
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#Post#: 9683--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 14, 2014, 2:29 pm
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**An elephant asked a camel, "Why are your breasts on your
back?" "Well," says the camel, "I think that's a strange
question from somebody whose wiener is on his face."**
#Post#: 9684--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 14, 2014, 2:30 pm
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Three elderly sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, shared a house
together. One evening, the 96-year-old sister went upstairs to
take a bath. As she put her foot into the tub, she paused. Then
she yelled down to the other two sisters and asked, "Was I
getting in the tub or out?" "You dern fool," said the
94-year-old. "I'll come up and see." When she got half way up
the stairs she paused. "Was I going up the stairs or down?" The
92-year-old sister was sitting at the kitchen table drinking a
cup of tea and thought, "I hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood." She shook her head and called out, "I'll be up
to help you both as soon as I see who's at the door."
#Post#: 9685--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 14, 2014, 2:32 pm
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Three men died, but before God would let them into heaven, God
gave them a chance to come back as anything they wanted. The
first guy said, "I want to come back as myself, but 100 times
smarter." So God made him 100 times smarter.
The second guy said, "I want to be better than that guy, make me
1000 times smarter." So God made him 1000 times smarter.
The last guy decided he would be the best. So he said, "God,
make me better than both of them, make me 1,000,000 times
smarter." So God made him a woman.
#Post#: 9686--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 14, 2014, 2:34 pm
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When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame de Gaulle.
"Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many
years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are
you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
"A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer...and
no one knew what to say next.
Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said, "Ma
cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word, 'appiness.
#Post#: 9693--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 14, 2014, 3:20 pm
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thanks lady Emma.
we got plenty of entertainment at Camelot.
hopefully new members and our guests are enjoying all this.
Emma's world is shaking and baking.
#Post#: 9700--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: thetruth
Date: February 14, 2014, 4:09 pm
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--- Quote from: Emma link ---
>
> When Charles de Gaulle decided to retire from public life, the
American ambassador and his wife threw a gala dinner party in
his honor. At the dinner table the Ambassador's wife was talking
with Madame de Gaulle.
>
> "Your husband has been such a prominent public figure, such a
presence on the French and International scene for so many
years! How quiet retirement will seem in comparison. What are
you most looking forward to in these retirement years?"
>
> "A penis," replied Madame de Gaulle.
>
> A huge hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her
answer...and no one knew what to say next.
>
> Finally, Le Grand Charles leaned over to his wife and said,
"Ma cherie, I believe zee Americans pronounce zat word,
'appiness.
>
--- End Quote ---
ROFL, this is awesome. I have to share this with my friends.
Fine catch!
#Post#: 9875--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 16, 2014, 6:34 pm
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Work vs Prison
IN PRISON... you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10
cell.
AT WORK... you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8
cubicle.
IN PRISON... you get three meals a day.
AT WORK... you only get a break for one meal and you have to
pay for it.
IN PRISON... you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK... you get more work for good behavior.
IN PRISON... the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK... you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.
IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK... you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
IN PRISON... you get your own toilet.
AT WORK... you have to share with some idiot who pees on the
seat.
IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK...you can't even speak to your family.
IN PRISON... all expenses are paid by the taxpayers with no work
required
AT WORK... you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
IN PRISON... you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out.
AT WORK... you spend most of your time wanting to get out and
go inside bars.
IN PRISON... you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK... they are called managers.
So why is it, again, that we work?
#Post#: 9876--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 16, 2014, 6:35 pm
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The Requirements Of This Job
Employer: "In this job we need someone who is responsible."
Applicant: "I'm the one you want. On my last job, every time
anything went wrong, they said I was responsible."
#Post#: 9877--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 16, 2014, 6:37 pm
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Hello boss? I can't come to work today...
1. If it is all the same to you I won't be coming in to work.
The voices told me to clean all the guns today.
2. When I got up this morning I took two Ex-Lax in addition to
my Prozac.
I can't get off the john, but I feel good about it.
3. I set half the clocks in my house ahead an hour and the other
half
back an hour Saturday and spent 18 hours in some kind of
space-time
continuum loop, reliving Sunday (right up until the explosion).
I was
able to exit the loop only by reversing the polarity of the
power source
on exactly e*log(pi) clocks in the house while simultaneously
rapping my
dog on the snout with a rolled up Times. Accordingly, I will be
in late,
or early.
4. Constipation has made me a walking time bomb.
5. I can't come in to work today because I'll be stalking my
previous
boss, who fired me for not showing up for work. OK?
6. I have a rare case of 48-hour projectile leprosy, but I know
we have
that deadline to meet...
7. I am stuck in the blood pressure machine down at the Food
Giant.
8. Yes, I seem to have contracted some attention-deficit
disorder and,
hey, how about them Skins, huh? So, I won't be able to, yes,
could I
help you? No, no, I'll be sticking with Sprint, but thank you
for
calling.
9. My stigmata's acting up.
10. I just found out that I was switched at birth. Legally, I
shouldn't come to
work knowing my employee records may now contain false
information.
11. The psychiatrist said it was an excellent session. He even
gave me
this jaw restraint so I won't bite things when I am startled.
12. The dog ate my car keys. We're going to hitchhike to the
vet.
13. I prefer to remain an enigma.
14. My step other has come back as one of the Undead and we must
track
her to her coffin to drive a stake through her heart and give
her eternal peace.
One day should do it.
15. I can't come to work today because the Environmental
Protection
Agency has determined that my house is completely surrounded by
wetlands
and I have to arrange for helicopter transportation.
16. I am converting my calendar from Julian to Gregorian.
17. I am extremely sensitive to a rise in the interest rates.
18. I refuse to travel to my job in the District until there is
a commuter tax.
I insist on paying my fair share.
19. I've used up all my sick days...so I'm calling in dead.
#Post#: 9879--------------------------------------------------
Re: A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 16, 2014, 6:39 pm
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The Spoon
(A timeless lesson on how consultants can make a difference for
an organization.)
Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and
noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in
his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange, but I ignored it.
However when the busboy brought out water and utensils, I
noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket, then I looked
around the room and saw that all the staff had spoons in their
pockets.
When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the
spoon?"
"Well," he explained, "the restaurant's owners hired Anderson
Consulting, experts in efficiency, in order to revamp all our
processes. After several months of statistical analysis, they
concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped
utensil. This represents a drop frequency of approximately 3
spoons per table per hour. If our personnel are prepared to deal
with that contingency, we can reduce the number of trips back to
the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift.
As luck would have it I dropped my spoon and he was able to
replace it with his spare spoon. "I'll get another spoon next
time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get
it right now." I was rather impressed.
I noticed that there was a very thin string hanging out of the
waiter's fly. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had
the same string hanging from their flies. My curiosity got the
better of me and before he walked off, I asked the waiter,
"Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right
there?"
"Oh certainly!" he answered, lowering his voice. "Not everyone
is as observant as you. That consulting firm I mentioned also
found out that we can save time in the restroom." "How so?"
"See," he continued, "by tying this string to the tip of your
you know what, we can pull it out over the urinal without
touching it and that way eliminate the need to wash the hands,
shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39 percent."
After you get it out, how do you put it back?"
"Well," he whispered, lowering his voice even further, "I don't
know about the others, but I use the spoon."
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