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#Post#: 9204--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:12 pm
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LONDON (AFP) - A foul-mouthed parrot previously owned by a lorry
driver has been banished from public areas in a British animal
sanctuary after repeatedly embarrassing his keepers, they said.
Barney, a five-year-old Macaw, is now kept indoors at
Warwickshire Animal Sanctuary in Nuneaton, central England, when
outsiders visit after abusing dignitaries with
swearword-littered insults.
"He's told a lady mayoress to f..(expletive) off and he told a
lady vicar: 'And you can f... off as well'," sanctuary worker
Stacey Clark said.
Nor did the forces of law and order escape, she added.
"Two policemen came to have a look at the centre. He told them:
'And you can f... off you two wankers'."
Clark said sanctuary workers believed Barney either picked up
the phrases from television or was taught them by his previous
owner, a lorry driver who emigrated to Spain.
"He does say 'Hello, big boy' and 'Thank you' when you give him
a biscuit," she added.
"But it's mainly naughty words and always to the wrong people.
We're trying to teach him not to swear. Macaws are very
intelligent birds."
#Post#: 9206--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:19 pm
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New Living Will Form
I, __________________________, being of sound mind and body, do
not wish to be kept alive indefinitely by artificial means.
Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the hands of
peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass ninth-grade biology if
their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to sit up and
ask for
(please initial all that apply)
___________ a martini,
___________ a margarita,
___________ a beer, ___________ a steak,
___________ the remote control,
___________ a bowl of ice cream,
___________ a Kalua on the rocks,
___________ sex,
it should be presumed that I won't ever get better. When such a
determination is reached, I hereby instruct my appointed person
and attending physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and
call it a day.
Under no circumstances shall the members of the Legislature
enact a special law to keep me on life-support machinery. It is
my wish that these boneheads mind their own damn business, and
pay attention instead to the future of the millions of Americans
who aren't in a permanent coma.
Signature:___________________________
Date: ___________________________
Witness:
#Post#: 9207--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:20 pm
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An American Indian walks into a whorehouse and says to the madam
"Me wantum sex." The madam asks if he has money, and the Indian
says yes, he has plenty money. The madam asks if he has
experience, and the Indian lowers his head and says sadly "No,
me no got experience."
The madam says "Okay, buddy, the thing is to come here you have
to have experience." The Indian asks how he coud get experience.
The madam says "Here's what you do. Go out into the woods and
find a tree with just the right size hole. Use that hole
correctly and you will get experience." The Indian nods happily
and leaves.
A few months later the Indian returns, and tells the madam "Me
wantum sex." The madam asks if he has money, and the Indian says
yes. The madam asks if he has experience, and the Indian smiles
broadly exclaiming "Me got plenty experience!" The madam says
okay, takes his money and sends him to a back room.
When the Indian opens the door a beautiful naked woman is
sitting on the bed. He instructs her to stand up and turn
around, so she has her back to him. Then tells her to bend over.
She does, and he immediately kicks her in the butt as hard as he
can, completely knocking her off her feet. The girl stands up
and demands "What in the hell was that all about?!"
The Indian responds "Me checkum for bees."
#Post#: 9208--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:22 pm
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Stupid quotes from the NBA players:
Chuck Nevitt explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared
nervous at practice: “My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't
know if I'm gonna be an uncle or an aunt."
Chris Morris to a piano player at a hotel bar while trying to
impress a date: “Play some Picasso."
Matt Harpring on receiving a pass from Mark Jackson and making
the jumper that gave Jackson his 10,000th career assist: "When I
hit it I heard the crowd going crazy and I was like, 'Wow, that
was a sweet jumper, they must have liked that one.' I had no
clue."
Jason Kidd: “We're gonna to turn this team around 360 degrees."
Dikembe Mutombo: "Who wants to sex Mutombo?"
Drew Gooden: "I've had to overcome a lot of diversity."
Drew Gooden:"I didn't even know Elvis was from Memphis, I
thought he was from Tennessee"
Mutombo: They will have to work hard for win. It won't be a walk
in the cake.
Some guy was asked how he felt about being named to the
all-interview team. His response: "No comment".
Isiah Thomas when asked if any teams were interested in trading
for Shandon Anderson: If I was to answer that question honestly,
I would have to lie to you."
Shaq on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to
Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we
went to."
#Post#: 9209--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:24 pm
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HER DIARY
Saturday night I thought he was acting weird.
We had made plans to meet at a bar to have a drink. I was
shopping with my friend all day long, so I thought he was upset
at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no comment.
Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere
quiet so we could talk. He agreed, but he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong he said nothing. I asked him if it
was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do
with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled
and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why
he didn't say I love you too. When we got home I felt as if I
had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. !
He just sat there and watched T.V. He seemed distant and absent.
Finally I decided to go to bed, about 10 minutes later he came
to bed and to my surprise he responded to my caress and we made
love, but I still felt that he was distracted and his thoughts
were somewhere else. I decided that I could not take it anymore
so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had
fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell
asleep. I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his
thoughts are with someone else. My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Played a horrible game of golf today! Shot a 95. Can't putt for
s**t.
Got laid though.
#Post#: 9210--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:25 pm
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WORLD'S SHORTEST FAIRY TALE
Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?"
The girl said, "No."
And the guy lived happily ever after and went golfing and
fishing and drank a lot.
THE END
#Post#: 9211--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:26 pm
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Halloween Costume "One Night Stand"
[img]
HTML http://images.buycostumes.com/mgen/merchandiser/17645.jpg?is=225,225,0xffffff[/img]
#Post#: 9214--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:35 pm
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Computer Tech Support
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
=================================
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...
===============
Customer: Hi, this is Celine . I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?
Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.
Customer: No , wait a minute.. I hadn't inserted it yet... it's
still on my desk... sorry....
===============
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of
the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
===============
Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.
Tech support: Would you click on 'start' for me and....
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm
not Bill Gates.
===============
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print.
Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted
the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the
computer still says he can't find it...
============== =
Customer: I have problems printing in red..
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?
Customer: Aaaah....................thank you.
===============
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
===============
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.. Is
there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah..that one does
work...
===============
Tech support: Your password is the small letter 'a' as in apple,
a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters ?
== =============
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five stars.
===============
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.
===============
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen
saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it
disappears.
===============
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do
I get the circle around it?
===============
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with
her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good
point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a
window, and his printer is working fine.'
===============
And last but not least...
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys
at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of
the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program
Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
#Post#: 9215--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:37 pm
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ha ha ha.
I am still laughing about that indian checking for bees.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 9217--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 8, 2014, 7:39 pm
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emma you should consider giving your "jokes" thread a catchy
name like:
1. laughter the perfect medicine
2. laughter the best therapy
3. laughter the perfect cure
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
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