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#Post#: 8461--------------------------------------------------
A Day without Laughter is a Day Wasted
DIR By: Emma
Date: January 29, 2014, 6:43 pm
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First up:
Men vs. Women
Subtle differences.
Handwriting:
Men: To their credit, men do not decorate their penmanship. They
just chicken-scratch.
Women: Women use scented, colored stationery and they dot the
"i" with circles or hearts. Women use ridiculously large loops
in the "b" and "g". It is a pain to read a note from a woman.
Even when she's dumping you, she will put a smiley face at the
end of the note.
Groceries:
Women: A woman makes a list of things she needs, then goes out
to the store and buys those things.
Men: A man waits till the only items left in his fridge are half
a lime and a beer. Then he goes grocery shopping. He buys
everything that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
checkout counter, his cart is packed tighter than the Clampett's
car on Beverly Hillbillies. Of course, this will not stop him
from going to the express lane.
Relationships:
Women: When a relationship ends, a woman will cry and pour her
heart out to her girlfriends, and she will write a poem titled
"All Men Are Idiots". Then she will get on with her life.
Men: A man has a little more trouble letting go. Six months
after the break-up, at 3:00 a.m. on a Saturday night, he will
call and say, "I just wanted to let you know you ruined my life,
and I'll never forgive you, and I hate you, and you're a total
floozy. But I want you to know that there's always a chance for
us." This is known as the "I Hate You / I Love You" drunken
phone call, that 99% of all men have made at least once. There
are community colleges that offer courses to help men get over
this need.
Sex:
Women: They prefer 30-40 minutes of foreplay.
Men: They prefer 30-40 seconds of foreplay. Men consider driving
back to her place part of the foreplay.
Maturity:
Women: They mature much faster than men. Most 17-year old
females can function as adults.
Men: Most 17-year old males are still trading baseball cards and
giving each other wedgies after gym class. This is why high
school romances rarely work out.
Magazines:
Men: Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Men
are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body.
Women: Women's magazines also feature pictures of naked women.
This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art,
while the male body is lumpy and hairy and should not be seen by
the light of day. Most naked men elicit laughter from women.
Bathrooms:
Men: A man has six items in his bathroom -- a toothbrush,
shaving cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from the
Holiday Inn.
Women: The average number of items in the typical woman's
bathroom is 437. A man cannot identify most of these items.
Shoes:
Women: When preparing for work, a woman will put on a wool suit,
then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her dress shoes in
a plastic bag from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
on her dress shoes. Five minutes later, she will kick them off
because her feet are under the desk.
Men: A man will wear the same pair of shoes all day. Let's not
talk about how many days he'll wear the same socks.
Cats:
Women: Women love cats.
Men: Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men
kick cats.
Children:
Women: A woman knows all about her children. She knows about
dentist appointments and soccer games and romances and best
friends and favorite foods and secret fears and hopes and
dreams.
Men: A man is vaguely aware of some little people living in the
house.
Dressing Up:
Women: A woman will dress up to: go shopping, water the plants,
empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book, get the mail.
Men: A man will dress up for: weddings, funerals.
Laundry:
Women: Women do laundry every couple of days.
Men: A man will wear every article of clothing he owns,
including his surgical pants (the ones that were hip about eight
years ago) before he will do his laundry. When he is finally out
of clothes, he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
U-Haul and take his mountain of clothes to the Laundromat. Men
always expect to meet beautiful women at the Laundromat. This is
a myth perpetuated by reruns of old episodes of "Love American
Style."
Eating Out:
Men: When the check comes, each man will each throw in $20
bills, even though it's only for $22.50. None of them will have
anything smaller, and none will actually admit they want change
back.
Women: When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
calculators.
Mirrors:
Men: Men are vain and will check themselves out in a mirror.
Women: They are ridiculous; they will check out their
reflections in any shiny surface: mirrors, spoons, store
windows, bald guys' heads.
Menopause:
Women: When a woman reaches menopause, she goes through a
variety of complicated emotional, psychological, and biological
changes. The nature and degree of these changes varies with the
individual.
Men: Menopause in a man provokes a uniform reaction - he buys
aviator glasses, a snazzy French cap and leather driving gloves,
and goes shopping for a Porsche.
The Phone:
Men: Men see the telephone as a communication tool. They use the
telephone to send short messages to other people.
Women: A woman can visit her girlfriend for two weeks, and upon
returning home, she will call the same friend and they will talk
for three hours.
Richard Gere:
Women: Women like Richard Gere because he is sexy in a dangerous
way.
Men: Men hate Richard Gere because he reminds them of that slick
guy who works at the health club and dates only married women.
Madonna:
Same as above, but reversed. Same reason.
Toys:
Women: Little girls love to play with toys. Then when they reach
the age of 11 or 12, they lose interest.
Men: Men never grow out of their toy obsession. As they get
older, their toys simply become more expensive, silly and
impractical. Examples of men's toys: little miniature TVs. Car
phones. Complicated juicers and blenders. Graphic equalizers.
Small robots that serve cocktails on command. Video games.
Anything that blinks, beeps, and requires at least 6 "D"
batteries to operate.
Cameras:
Men: Men take photography very seriously. They'll shell out
$4000 for state of the art equipment, and build dark rooms and
take photography classes.
Women: Women purchase Kodak Instamatics. Of course, women always
end up taking better pictures.
Locker Rooms:
Men: In the locker room men talk about three things: money,
football, and women. They exaggerate about money, they don't
know football nearly as well as they think they do, and they
fabricate stories about women.
Women: They talk about one thing in the locker room - sex. And
not in abstract terms, either. They are extremely graphic and
technical, and they never lie.
Movies:
Women: Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a
nude scene. This is because every movie in the history of movies
has been produced by a man.
Men: The only actor who has ever appeared nude in the movies is
Richard Gere. This is another reason why men hate him.
Jewelry:
Women: Women look nice when they wear jewelry.
Men: A man can get away with wearing one ring and that's it. Any
more than that and he will look like a lounge singer named Vic.
Conversation:
Men: Men need a good disagreement to get talking. For instance,
"Wow, great movie." or "What are you, nuts? No REAL cop would
have an Uzi that size."
Women: Women, not having this problem, try to initiate
conversations with men by saying something agreeable: "That
garden by the roadside looks lovely." "Mm hmm." Pause. "That was
a good restaurant last night, wasn't it?" "Yeah." Pause. And so
on.
Leg Warmers:
Women: Leg warmers are sexy. A woman, even if she's walking the
dog or doing the dishes, is allowed to wear leg warmers. She can
wear them any time she wants.
Men: A man can only wear leg warmers if he is auditioning for
the "Gimme the Ball" number in "A Chorus Line."
Friends:
Women: Women on a girls' night out talk the whole time.
Men: Men on a boy's night out say about twenty words all night,
most of which are "Pass the Doritos" or "got any more beer?"
Restrooms:
Women: Women use restrooms as social lounges. Women who've never
met will leave a restroom giggling together like old friends.
Women also go to the restroom in packs, at least two women at a
time excuse themselves to use the restroom.
Men: Men use restrooms for purely biological reasons. Men in a
restrooms will never speak a word to each other. And never in
the history of the world has a man excused himself from a
restaurant table by saying, "Hey, Tom, I was just about to take
a leak. Do you want to join me?"
#Post#: 8464--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: January 29, 2014, 6:47 pm
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so now you are going to try your hand at comedy.
better stick to your day job.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
actually its a great idea.
#Post#: 8465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: January 29, 2014, 6:48 pm
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that was too funny emma.
keep them coming.
;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 8468--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: January 29, 2014, 6:53 pm
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You Know You're from Canada When...
Manitoba, Specifically.
You only know three spices - salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snowblower than your car.
You have 10 favourite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at
Christmas.
You live in a house that has no front step, yet the door is one
meter above the ground.
You've taken your kids trick-or-treating in a blizzard.
Driving is better in the winter because the potholes are filled
in with snow.
You owe more money on your snowmobile than your car.
The local paper covers national and international headlines on
1/4 page, but requires 6 pages for sports.
At least twice a year, the kitchen doubles as a meat processing
plant.
The most effective mosquito repellent is a shotgun.
Your snowblower gets stuck on the roof.
You think the start of moose season is a national holiday.
You head south to go to your cottage.
You frequently clean grease off your barbeque so the bears won't
prowl on your deck.
You know which leaves make good toilet paper.
The major parish fund-raiser isn't bingo - it's sausage making.
You find -40 degrees (celsius) a little chilly.
The trunk of your car doubles as a deep freezer.
You attend a formal event in your best clothes, your finest
jewelry and your Sorels.
You can play road hockey on skates.
You know 4 seasons - Winter, Still Winter, almost Winter and
Construction.
The municipality buys a Zamboni before a bus.
You know what a "vendor" is, and you have said "Grab me an Extra
Old Stock for last call. I'm going to hit the vendor, and we can
head back to my place."
You find it interesting to guess the gender of the person under
all those clothes.
Skinner's, Kelekis, Salisbury House, Bridge Drive-In, and
perogies from the church basement are all you need to survive.
And the vendor - don't forget that.
Manitoba is so flat that, on a clear day, you can see the back
of your own head.
You've caught a 50-pound channel catfish, and thrown it back.
Too small. Who wants a muck-raking, scum-sucking bottom feeder
unless it has a Law degree?
Good times? Meat Bingo. Don't ask.
Winnipeg is one of the only places in Canada where you can walk
into a shop, be greeted in French, reply in English, and have
the clerk switch linguistic gears seamlessly with no snark at
all.
Enter the Festivale de Voyageur beard growing contest, and you
don't have to shave for an entire year.
You can buy a 1-bedroom condo in the heart of downtown Winnipeg
for about $60,000 (Canadian dollars). You can get a fixer-upper
starter home for less than the price of a new luxury car.
If you get your car stuck in the snow, passers-by will help you
push it out without having to ask them. It's reflex.
You know (from experience) that when a frostbite warning says
"exposed skin may freeze in 1 minute or less", they mean it.
You know what the little electrical plug in the grill of the car
is for.
You are surprised when you move to a different province, because
places where people aren't cooped up for months have really
crappy musicians.
You've eaten a Skinner's hotdog, a Goog Special from the BDI, a
cheese nip from the Sal's, and washed it down with an Extra Old
Stock. You know that a Fat Boy is a burger, that bannock is
useless without beans, and that the best perogies come out of
church basements.
#Post#: 8470--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Emma
Date: January 29, 2014, 7:03 pm
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Men's Rules
Women should learn these.
Women, learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's
up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear
us complaining about you leaving it down.
Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not considered by
us to be opportunities to see if we can find the perfect present
again!
Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the changing of the
tides. Let it be.
Don't cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive
than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting
married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then
you're stuck with her.
Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do
not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
We don't remember dates. . . .Period!!
Most guys own three pairs of shoes - tops. What makes you think
we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would
look good with your dress?
Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every
question.
Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.
That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In
fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't
expect us to act like soap opera guys.
If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us. We've
been tricked before!!
If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the
ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it's genetic.
You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it
done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do
it yourself.
Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during
commercials.
Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two
months we were going out. Get over it. And quit whining to your
girlfriends.
ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a
fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of
mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about
you.
If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing", we will act like
nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth
the hassle.
If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an
answer you don't want to hear.
Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared
to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or
monster trucks.
Foreign films are best left to foreigners. (Unless it's Bruce
Lee or some war flick where it doesn't really matter what
they're saying anyway.)
BEER is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
Thank you for reading this; Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the
couch tonight, but did you know, it's like camping.
#Post#: 8472--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: January 29, 2014, 7:05 pm
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;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
#Post#: 8486--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: January 29, 2014, 7:51 pm
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I will have to make a contribution later this evening.
I do like jokes a lot.
#Post#: 8816--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 2, 2014, 7:28 pm
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You are driving along in your car on a wild, stormy night. You
pass by a bus stop, and you see three people waiting for the
bus:
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect man (or) woman you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that
there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading. This is a moral/ethical
dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job
application.
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die,
and thus you should save her first; or you could take the old
friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the
perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able
to find your perfect dream lover again.
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no
trouble coming up with his answer.
He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old
friend, and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay
behind and wait for the bus with the woman of my dreams."
Never forget to "Think Outside of the Box."
#Post#: 8817--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 2, 2014, 7:29 pm
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Before going to Europe on business, a man drives his Rolls-Royce
to a downtown New York City bank and asks for an immediate loan
of $5,000. The loan officer, taken aback, requests collateral.
"Well then, here are the keys to my Rolls-Royce," the man says.
The loan officer promptly has the car driven into the bank's
underground parking for safe keeping and gives the man the
$5,000. Two weeks later, the man walks through the bank's doors
and asks to settle up his loan and get his car back. "That will
be $5,000 in principal, and $15.40 in interest," the loan
officer says. The man writes out a check and starts to walk
away. "Wait, sir," the loan officer says. "You are a
millionaire. Why in the world would you need to borrow $5,000?"
The man smiles, "Where else could I find a safer place to park
my Rolls-Royce in Manhattan for two weeks and pay only $15.40?"
#Post#: 8818--------------------------------------------------
Re: Jokes
DIR By: Clay Death
Date: February 2, 2014, 7:31 pm
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CEO -- Chief Embezzlement Officer.
CFO -- Corporate Fraud Officer.
BULL MARKET -- A random market movement causing an investor to
mistake himself for a financial genius.
VALUE INVESTING -- The art of buying low and selling lower.
P/E RATIO -- The percentage of investors wetting their pants as
the
market keeps crashing.
BROKER -- What my broker has made me.
STANDARD & POOR -- Your life in a nutshell.
STOCK ANALYST -- Idiot who just downgraded your stock.
STOCK SPLIT -- When your ex-wife and her lawyer split your
assets
equally between themselves.
FINANCIAL PLANNER -- A guy whose phone has been disconnected.
MARKET CORRECTION -- The day after you buy stocks.
CASH FLOW-- The movement your money makes as it disappears down
the toilet.
YAHOO -- What you yell after selling it to some poor sucker for
$240 per share.
WINDOWS -- What you jump out of when you're the sucker who
bought
Yahoo @ $240 per share.
INSTITUTIONAL INVESTOR -- Past year investor who's now locked
up in a nuthouse.
PROFIT -- An archaic word no longer in use.
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