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#Post#: 4922--------------------------------------------------
Redneck Jokes
By: Clay Death Date: December 4, 2013, 7:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Redneck Joke:
You might be a redneck if you let your sixteen year old daughter
smoke at the dinner table...
...in front of her kids.
#Post#: 4923--------------------------------------------------
Re: Redneck Jokes
By: Clay Death Date: December 4, 2013, 7:58 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You might be a redneck if you bring lawn chairs to your cousin's
wedding.
you know you are a redneck when u got a girl's number at a
family reunion
You might be a redneck if 5th grade was the best 6 years of your
life.
#Post#: 4924--------------------------------------------------
Re: Redneck Jokes
By: Clay Death Date: December 4, 2013, 8:04 pm
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You Might Be A Redneck if >>
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
You think state employees make too much money.
Your car wakes people up when you drive down the street.
Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the
kids.
You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.
Your local newspaper has a front-page feature called "Cow of the
Week."
Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.
Your wife has a beer belly, and you find it attractive.
The hood and one door are a different color than the rest of
your car.
You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and girlfriend,
and you only need to buy one gift.
Your talent in the local beauty pageant was making noises with
your armpit.
Bikers back down from your momma.
Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
If you time your belches to achieve a personal best.
If you've ever been too drunk to fish..
Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
You refer to the time you won a free case of oil as the "day my
ship came in."
You've ever held somebody up with a caulk gun.
Motel 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
If all four tires on your truck are differnt sizes.
Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've got
the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
Your Junior and Senior Prom had a day care.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Your house has tires and most of your cars don't.
Your local funeral home has a neon sign in the window.
You fish in your above-ground pool. . . and catch something.
Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to have
the Yosemite Sam mud flaps.
The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending on
how much gas it has in it.
You argue over the advantages of John Deere and International
farm equipment.
There are more dishes in your sink than in your cabinets.
You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
Your yard has ever been the proposed site for a landfill.
If you've ever cut your grass and found a car..
Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell".
Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
You have a house that's mobile and five cars that aren't.
People hear your car long before they see it.
The primary color of your car is "bondo".
The fountain at your wedding spewed beer instead of champagne.
On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as
possible".
You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your car.
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
You grow Vidalia onions, rather than considering them a gourmet
item.
There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.
Your wheelbarrow breaks and it takes four relatives to figure
out how to fix it.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'
your grandmother has ever been asked to leave a bingo game
because of her language.
Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
If your mother has more chest hair than your father.
You've ever been too drunk to fish.
You have a cigarette hangin' out of your mouth in your wedding
pictures.
The word 'Yup' is a primary word in your vocabulary
If the game warden knows the serial numbers to your guns by
heart.
You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
If your wife uses a photo of Tammy Faye as a makeup application
guide.
You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.
You've ever heckled during a eulogy.
Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.
Your driveway is bordered by half-buried tractor tires.
Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
There are more fish on your wall than pictures.
You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
You can spit without opening your mouth.
You have ever read an entire article in a gun magazine.
People hunt in your front yard.
You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
You have to check in the bottom of your shoe for change so you
can get Grandma a new plug of tobacco.
You have a tattoo that says, "Born to bag groceries."
You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has
turned yellow.
Your birth announcement included the word "rug rat".
You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
Your bumper sticker says, "My other car is a combine."
You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
You can't schedule a family reunion until after the parole board
meets.
You consider your license plate personalized because your father
made it.
The taillight covers of your car are made of tape.
If you go to the family reunion to meet women..
Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
Anyone in your family wrestles alligators for a living.
For a good time, you go nuts at the local Auto Zone.
Your best pick-up line for women is written on your baseball
cap.
You have more than 10 ceramic statues in your front yard.
Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction in
your home town.
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
You've never paid for a haircut.
You've ever shot somebody over a mall parking space.
There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack hanging
in your truck.
Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to the
restroom was flooded.
If you've ever used a CD-ROM as a coaster to set your beer on
Today's dinner was too slow crossing the highway yesterday.
You decide to attend the family reunion hoping to pick up
chicks.
Your wading boots double as dress pants.
Your wife would rather fish off a bridge than shop for clothes.
#Post#: 4926--------------------------------------------------
Re: Redneck Jokes
By: Clay Death Date: December 4, 2013, 8:13 pm
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You might be a redneck if.....................
1.You think "loading the dishwasher" means getting your wife
drunk.
2.You ever cut your grass and found a car.
3.You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
4.You think the stock market has a fence around it.
5.Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Drive-in Theater.
6.Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
7.You own a homemade fur coat.
8.Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
9.You burn your yard rather than mow it.
10.Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I
can take a bath."
11.You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
12.The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
13.You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
14.Birds are attracted to your beard.
15.Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
16.You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
17.You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
18.You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberately.
19.Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
20.You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
21.You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
22.You clean your fingernails with a stick.
23.Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
24.You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
25.Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
26.Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
27.Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
28.You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
29.There are more than five McDonald's bags in your car.
30.The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
31.There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
32.You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the
monkeys.
33.The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
34.You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
35.You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
36.You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to
a movie.
37.You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
38.You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting
dog.
39.Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
40.Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
41.The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your
house.
42.You've ever bought a used cap.
43.Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
44.You pick your teeth from a catalog.
45.You've ever financed a tattoo.
46.You've ever stolen toilet paper.
47.You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
48.People hear your car a long time before they see it.
49.The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
50.You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
51.You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
52.You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
53.You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a
freak of nature.
54.You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
55.You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
56.You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
57.you have ever used lard in bed.
58.you own more than 3 shirts with cut off sleeves.
59.you have ever spray-painted your girlfriends name on an
overpass.
60.your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
61.someone asks to see your ID and you show them your belt
buckle.
62.The primary color of your car is bondo.
63.directions to your house include "Turn off the paved road."
64.your dog and your wallet are both on a chain.
65.you owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
66.you ever lost a tooth opening a beer bottle.
67.Jack Daniels makes you list of most admired people.
68.your wife's hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
69.you see no need to stop at a rest stop 'cause you have an
empty milk jug.
70.you consider the fifth grade you senior year.
71.you have a rag for a gas cap.
72.the dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
73.you have a hefty bag where the window of your car should be.
74.you have ever bar-b-qued Spam on the grill.
75.your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
76.Redman Chewing Tobacco sends you a Christmas card.
77.you bought a VCR because wrestling comes on while you're at
work.
78.your dad walks you to school because you're in the same
grade.
79.you view the next family reunion as a chance to meet girls.
80.your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
81.your front porch collapses and kills more than five dogs.
82.the main course at potluck dinners is roadkill.
83.you mow the front yard and find a car.
84.your other truck is made by John Deere.
85.you think suspenders are a type of shirt.
86.going to the bathroom at night involves shoes and a
flashlight.
87.you keep a spit cup on the ironing board.
88.you ever got too drunk to fish.
89.More than one living relative is named after a southern
civil war general.
90.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are killed.
91.You've ever used lard in bed.
92.Your home has more miles on it than your car.
93.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
94.There is a stuffed posum anywhere in your house.
95.You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality
entertainment.
96.Fewer than half of your cars run.
97.Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before
telling the State Trooper to kiss her ass.
98.The primary color of your car is "bondo".
99.You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises
and seductive tongue gestures.
100.You stand under the misteletoe at christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Bobby-Sue Ellen to walk by.
101.Your family tree doesn't have any branches.
102.Your hairdo has ever been ruined by a ceiling fan.
103.Your mother has been involved in a fistfight at a high
school sports event.
104.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
105.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
shade.
106.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
107.Your brother-in-law is your uncle.
108.You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey
and the Bandit" was
109.snubbed for best picture.
110.Your only condiment on the dining room table is the economy
size bottle of ketchup.
111.The rear tires on your car are at least twice as wide as the
front ones.
112.You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
113.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
114.You use the term `over yonder' more than once a month.
115.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
116.Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
117.You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
118.Your favorite christmas present, was a painting on black
velvet.
119.You think that Dom Perignon is a mafia leader.
120.The most commonly heard phrase at your family reunion is
"What the hell are you looking at, Shithead?"
121.You think that beef jerky and Moon Pies are two of the major
food groups.
122.You think that Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
123.The first words out of your mouth every time you see friends
are "Howdy!" "HEY!" or "How Y'all Doin?"
124.You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
125.Your father encourages you to quit school because Larry has
an opening on the lube rack.
126.You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
127.You think that the styrofoam cooler is the greatest
invention of all time.
128.You've ever been too drunk to fish.
129.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
130.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
131.You have a rag for a gas cap (on a car that does run).
132.You consider a family reunion a good place to pick up girls.
133.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
134.Your richest relative invites you over to his new home to
help him remove the wheels and skirt.
135.You've ever financed a tattoo.
136.Your idea of a 7 course meal is a bucket of KFC and a
sixpack.
137.You go to a tupperware party for a haircut.
138.You have spray painted your girlfriend's name on an
overpass.
139.Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.
140.Your dog and your wallet are both on chains.
141.Your kids are going hungry tonight because you just had to
have those Yosemite Sam mudflaps.
142.You owe the taxidermist more than your annual income.
143.You have lost at least one tooth opening a beer bottle.
144.Jack Daniels makes your list of "most admired people".
145.You won't stop at a rest area if you have an empty beer can
in the car.
146.Your dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
147.You have a Hefty bag on the passenger side window of your
car.
148.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occassions.
149.You have to scratch your sisters name out of the message:
"for a good time call . .", because you feel guilty about
putting it there...
150.Redman sends you a Christmas card.
151.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
152.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have
to go down to the creek to take a bath.
153.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
154.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
155.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
156.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
157.You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just
"Misunderstood".
158.You've ever made change in the offering plate.
159.If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year,"
160.You consider a good tan to be the back of of your neck and
the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
161.You own at least 20 baseball hats.
162.You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of
a baseball hat.
163.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
head.
164.When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
165.Your biggest ambition in live is to "git thet big'ole coon.
The one what hangs 'round over yonder, back'ah bubba's barn..."
166.Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
167.When you leave your house, you are followed by federal
agents of the Beurau of Alcohol Tobbaco and Firearms, and the
only thing you worry
about is if you can loose them or not.
168.You bought a VCR so you could tape wrestling while you are
at work.
169.Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the
same grade.
170.Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
171.Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.
172.You have started a petition to change the National Anthem to
"Georgia on My Mind".
173.You call your boss "Buddy", on a regular basis.You consider
your license plate personalized because your dad made it in
prison.
174.You have been fired from a construction job because of your
appearance.
175.You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie
at the House of Tattoos.
176.You need an estimate from your barber before you get a
haircut.
177.After making love you ask your date to roll down the window.
178.The biggest fashion risk you take is which plaid you'll
wear to the 4-H Fair.
179.You have flowers planted in a bathromm appliance in your
front yard.
180.Someone in your family says "Cum'n heer an' lookit this
afore I flush it."
181.Your wife weighs more then your refrigerator
182.If going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves
putting on shoes (if you have them) a jacket and grabbing a
flashlight.
183.When you see a sign that says "Say No To Crack," it reminds
you to pull your jeans up.
184.You go christmas shopping for your mom, sister, and
girlfriend, and you only need to buy one gift
185.You are still holding on to Confederate money because you
think the South will rise again.
186.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food. You have
to go down to the creek to take a bath.
187.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
188.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
189.You consider a three piece suit to be: a pair of overalls, a
plaid flannel shirt and thermal underwear.
190.There is a sheet hanging in your closet and a gun rack
hanging in your truck.
191.You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your
head.
192.You have 5 cars that are immobile and house that is!
193.You gene pool doesn't have a "deep end"
194."Honey? Are the lights out? Is the door locked? Is the
parking
brake set?" is what you hear right before you and your
wife/girl
make love.
195.Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him
around in.
196.You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't
guess...)
197.You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertable top.
198.Your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.
199.You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the
waterbed.
200.You have an Elvis Jell-o mold.
201.You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
202.You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than
cars.
203.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis
over your fireplace.
204.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
205.There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
206.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'
207.It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
208.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray
are the three of the primary colors.
209.You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to
defend your sister's honor.
210.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming,
baby!"
211.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer
gray.
212.The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
213.Yer mom calls ya over t'help, cause she has a flat tire...on
her house
214.The ASPCA raids yer kitchen
215.Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so ya can
get grandma a new plug of tobacco
216.Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
217.Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law
against it.
218.Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
219.You've been on TV more than 5 times describing the sound of
a tornado.
220.You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
221.When a sign that says "Say No To Crack!" reminds you to pull
up your jeans.
222.Helping your cousin, Billy-Bob, move into his new place
consists of the wheels off his doublewide
223.Your beer can collection is considered a tourist attraction
in your home town.
224.You know you're a redneck if you wake up with both a black
eye and a hickey.
225.Getting a package from your post office requires a full tank
of gas in the truck.
226."Buck Naked Line Dancing" isn't a videotape, it's "Ladies
Night" at the local bar.
227.Your wife wants to stop at the gas station to see if they've
got the new Darrell Waltrip Budweiser wall clock.
228.You dated your daddy's current wife in high school.
229.You're moved to tears everytime you hear Dolly Parton
singing "I Will Always Love You".
230.You've ever parked a Camero in a tree.
231.Exxon and Conoco have offered you royalties for your hair.
232.Your dad is also your favorite uncle.
233.The most serious loss from the earthquake was your Conway
Twitty record collection (you insurance man is one too if he
pays you for it).
234.You actually made a pyramid of cans in the pale moonlight
with Alan Jackson.
235.You have spent more on your pickup truck than on your
education.
236.You've ever hit a deer with your car..on purpose! "
237.You can tell your age by the number of rings in the bathtub.
238.Your mom gives you tips on how to sneak booze into sporting
events.
239.The blue book value of your truck goes up and down depending
on how much gas it has in it.
240.Your classes at school were cancelled because the path to
the restroom was flooded.
241.On your job application under "SEX" you put "As often as
possible".
242.During your senior year you and your mother had homeroom
together.
243.You're a lite beer drinker, because you start drinking when
it gets light.
244.On your first date you had to ask your Dad to borrow the
keys to the tractor.
245.Your parakeet knows the phrase "Open up, Police!".
246.You saved lots of money on your honeymoon by going
deerhunting.
247.In tough situations you ask yourself, "What would Curly
do?".
248.Taking your wife on a cruise means circling the Dairy Queen.
249.You think the last words to the Star Spangled Banner are
"Gentlemen, start your engines." or "Play Ball..."
250.Your child's first words are "Attention K-Mart shoppers!".
251.Your wife's best pair of shoes are steel-toed Red Wings.
252.You have a color coordinating rope that ties down your car
hood.
253.You bring your dog to work with you.
254.You replace a flat tire on your truck with a tire from your
house.
255.You've ever put a six-pack in a casket right before they
closed it
256.Your family's No. 1 enemy is revenuers.
257.Your belt buckle doubles as a serving platter.
258.You use lava soap more than three times a day.
259.You wear cowboy boots with Bermuda shorts.
260.You have a hook in your shower to hang your hat on.
261.You buy your wife tube socks at the flea market.
262.You consider orange peels left on the coffee table as
potpourri.
263.You grow flowers in an old commode in your front yard.
264.You can't take a bath because beer is iced down in your tub.
265.Your kitchen doubles as a bait store.
266.You've ever picked up a woman in a convenience store.
267.You throw a beer can out the truck window and your wife
shoots it.
268.You've ever fed your date french fries in a Denny's.
269.Going to the laundromat means cleaning out the back of the
truck.
270.Your family reunion features a chewing tobacco spit-off.
271.Your front porch collapses and more than six dogs are
killed.
272.You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouerve.
273.You stand under the mistletoe at christmas and wait for
Granny and cousin Sue-Ellen to walk by.
274.You've ever barbecued Spam on the grill.
275.The best way to keep things cold is to leave'em in the
shade.
276.The neighbors started a petition over your Christmas lights.
277.You prominently display a gift you bought at Graceland.
278.The diploma hanging in your den contains the words "Trucking
Institute".
279.Your favorite Christmas present, was a painting on black
velvet.
280.You had to remove a toothpick for wedding pictures.
281.You've ever used a weedeater indoors.
282.You look upon a family reunion as a chance to meet `Ms.
Right'
283.You have to go outside to get something out of the 'fridge.
284.You have a very special baseball cap, just for formal
occassions.
285.You consider pork and beans to be a gourmet food.
286.You have to go down to the creek to take a bath.
287.You participate in the "who can spit tobacco the farthest
contest".
288.You roll you hair with soup cans and wash it once a year.
289.You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis
over your fireplace.
290.You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
291.The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low
Places'
292.It's Easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
293.You think that John Deere Green, Ford Blue, and Primer Gray
are the three of the primary colors.
294.You idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming,
baby!"
295.Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job--primer red and primer
gray.
296.Foreplay consists of slipping off her saddle
297.Ya can't get married to yer sweetheart cause there is a law
against it.
298.Ya celebrate groundhog day (cause ya believe in it!!)
299.You fish in your above-ground pool, especially if you catch
something!
300.You come home from the garbage dump with more than you went
with.
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