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#Post#: 26155--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 16, 2019, 8:31 pm
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--- Quote from: lisastitch link ---
>
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=993.msg26062#msg26062
date=1550253475]
> [quote author=OnyxBird link=topic=993.msg26059#msg26059
date=1550251121]
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=993.msg26044#msg26044
date=1550244493]
> [quote author=vintagegal link=topic=993.msg26033#msg26033
date=1550232737]
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
[/quote]
While your statement itself is true, I don't think it is
relevant to what vintagegal said. If vintagegal to dictated to
the recipients of her gifts what they can and can't do with
them, that would be inappropriately adding "strings" to a gift,
but that's not what she did here. The topic of the thread is how
to handle/refuse unwanted homemade gifts, presumably from
gifters who the recipient doesn't want to hurt. Vintagegal
expressed, as a crafter, an opinion that donating a handmade
item to a thrift store or otherwise giving it a chance to be
used by someone who wants it is preferable to misusing an
unappreciated item in a way that will destroy it just for the
sake of keeping the gift. That sentiment/opinion is certainly
not binding on any particular gift recipient, but it is
extremely relevant to the original topic of this thread, and
useful information for someone trying to decide what to do with
a well-meant gift.
That isn't even a particularly strict criterion, in my opinion,
since what is "use" versus "misuse" of a gift depends on
circumstances. Using a gift in a way that wasn't originally
envisioned by the gifter is not inherently hurtful. However, the
examples vintagegal used, particularly sopping up oil in the
garage, to me imply that the item is not valued at all. IME, one
doesn't pick a quilt/blanket/etc. to sop up oil because it's the
most appropriate tool for the job or especially good at
it--especially not when there are products designed specifically
for that purpose; if you use a quilt for that, it's because it's
the thing you have handy that you care the least about
destroying. That may be true, and the owner has the right to
make that decision, but the truth is that choosing to use a
handmade quilt on the garage floor instead of, e.g., a cheap
blanket from Wal-mart or the thrift store, is going to
communicate to a lot of people that you value a quilt handmade
for you less than the cheapest, mass-produced thing you could
use to sop up that oil. That may be true, but it's worth knowing
what you're communicating by that action. And more importantly,
if it's not true and you value the thought and effort behind the
gift but simply hate the item and feel you "can't" get rid of
it, it's extremely important to realize that keeping and
misusing a gift in a way that indicates that you hate it may be
more hurtful than giving it away.
For example, I knitted a baby blanket for a friend's baby. It
was the biggest knitting project I've done and took way longer
than I anticipated. I even figured out the pattern myself,
because I knew what I wanted and couldn't find a pattern that
was quite right. It came out great! I knew going into it that
there was a chance they wouldn't like the blanket itself
(although I was pretty confident that they would), and that
would have been fine--I knew they would appreciate the effort
and sentiment regardless. The recipients would certainly be
entitled to use it to sop up oil in the garage, but if I found
out (or saw a handmade item from someone else being used in that
way), I would probably conclude that they did not value handmade
gifts at all, even for the thought and effort put into it. If I
discovered that they donated it, I'd simply chalk it up to a
misfire of that particular gift (or that they ended up with too
many blankets and liked others more) and hope it was found by
someone who'd like it. On the flip side, if that blanket ends up
in tatters and stained beyond recognition because their little
boys spilled stuff on it, dragged it through the mud in the yard
while playing outside, dropped it in the pond and got worms
ground into it while fishing with Daddy, tore a hole in it
because the dog snagged it/yanked on it while they were playing
or cuddling, etc., then I would be delighted, because it's a
kid's blanket being loved and used and that is exactly what it
was made for. If it stays in excellent condition because it was
pulled out only for snuggling at naptime/bedtime, I would be
delighted because it's a kid's blanket being loved and used and
that is exactly what it was made for (although honestly, knowing
how much their boys love dirt and the outdoors, I'm secretly
hoping for the lovingly dragged through the mud option ;)). If
I found out it had been used for the dog's bed because, e.g.,
their beloved dog was ailing and took comfort in a soft blanket
that smells like her boy or simply because the little boy wanted
to share his blanket with his dog, I wouldn't mind a bit--it
wasn't its intended purpose and may lead to the blanket's
destruction, but it's still being used and appreciated for what
it is.
[/quote]
It's relevant in the sense that OP might read vintagegal's
statement and think "In order to be polite I must try and figure
out the intentions of the giver and only use the gift within
certain parameters," or think that every gift has obligatory
strings, spoken or unspoken, attached to it. My mother used to
be in the habit of checking up on whatever she gave me, even if
at the time she didn't say "You should use this for X purpose or
Y reason or I'm going to comment on it and express
disappointment that you don't like it or are using it wrong."
But I think that etiquette would say that a gift is "released"
from the intentions of the gifter once it's been given, and OP
should therefore release herself from fretting about the
gifter's possible intentions.
I'm extremely unsentimental about objects and tend to use them
where I have a need (like my grandfather, who actually does use
several old, handmade quilts on the floor of his garage when
he's tinkering around). And I just don't have the bandwidth (and
I don't think I have the obligation) to spend time untangling
and trying to guess if the gifter would approve or disapprove of
how I choose to use something, especially when intentions vary
so widely from person to person-for instance, you said that
you'd be happy to know that a blanket was used by pets, whereas
vintagegal would be unhappy. Short of saying "Thanks, I hate it"
and lighting the gift on fire while making prolonged eye contact
with the gifter, I don't know if a gift can suffer "misuse" by
the recipient.
[/quote]
There's a difference here, though, at least the way I read it.
Vintagegal is talking about grabbing something they don't care
about to stick in the dog kennel. Victoria would be okay, in
her example, because the blanket is being shared by the boy as
something he loves. It is getting destroyed in the process of
being loved, which makes it real. (from the Velveteen Rabbit)
If I've spent hours and hours of my time and emotional energy
choosing a pattern and colors that I think you will like, and
then actually knitting or quilting something for you, thinking
about you all the time, I have invested a lot of time in this
gift. If I come over and you're using the item in a way that
will get it destroyed, I will feel that you don't care about my
time and energy, and they are being "disrespected".
I won't put strings on the gift, but if it gets destroyed
because you use it in "inappropriate" ways, I will be hurt, and
there may be consequences to our friendship. (If it gets
damaged/destroyed/lost in the process of being used with love,
that's a whole different matter! I'd be delighted if my
granddaughters' quilts were destroyed because they loved them
and took them everywhere!)
I suspect it comes down to the difference between crafters and
non-crafters. If you don't craft (and don't live with a
crafter), you may not understand how much of ourselves we put
into the gift we are making for you. My daughter got this--she
didn't want to wear the dresses I made for her, becuse she
wanted to "save them for good". When she realized I would sew
camo overalls for her, we were both delighted--I got to sew for
her, and she got the outfit she wanted.
(All "you"s are general)
[/quote]
vintagegal and OnyxBird both used examples of pets using items,
but they came to opposite conclusions, which I (Victoria) used
an example to state that our internal (or external, if you voice
them) expectations differ so much that I don't think we should
try and foist them on other people when we give them gifts.
It may be that crafters see things differently, but I don't
think that you can then say, "I chose to devote my time, energy,
and money to this gift, and therefore I get to impose a
heightened or different standard of care/use on the recipient."
If you give me something that you only want me to use in ways
that you approve of, I would feel that the gift is centered more
around you and your desires than it is to convey that you
thought of me.
#Post#: 26161--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: peony
Date: February 16, 2019, 10:37 pm
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This whole thread is why I've never gifted my work to anybody.
I'm not an expert but I love doing different projects and trying
new crafts to add to my repertoire, and if I get the urge to
give stuff to people I bundle it up and donate it to some local
charity where people will buy it because they like it. There are
some truly expert crafters and needleworkers out there but
unfortunately I'm not one of them and my ego doesn't want to
take the chance of gifting something that probably would have to
be "dealt with" somehow.
Edited to add that while I was often unintentionally intimidated
by a (sadly, late) friend who could do any craft expertly that
she attempted, I sure loved it around Christmastime!
#Post#: 26206--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: silversurfer
Date: February 17, 2019, 9:16 pm
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I think this is a really interesting discussion and would like
to add another point of view.
Crafters work hard on the homemade gifts they give (myself
included). But we also enjoy the process of crafting.
Speaking for myself, the enjoyment I get in making something
outweighs the enjoyment of giving it. I don't particularly mind
what you do with a home made item I give you because I have
already had the enjoyment of making it.
I don't think crafters get to claim the moral gifting high
ground because we spent so long making something. We already got
our enjoyment out of making it.
#Post#: 26219--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 18, 2019, 7:58 am
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--- Quote from: silversurfer link ---
>
> I think this is a really interesting discussion and would like
to add another point of view.
>
> Crafters work hard on the homemade gifts they give (myself
included). But we also enjoy the process of crafting.
>
> Speaking for myself, the enjoyment I get in making something
outweighs the enjoyment of giving it. I don't particularly mind
what you do with a home made item I give you because I have
already had the enjoyment of making it.
>
> I don't think crafters get to claim the moral gifting high
ground because we spent so long making something. We already got
our enjoyment out of making it.
>
--- End Quote ---
That really is thought provoking! I would hope that all crafters
take joy in the creation process, because without that, it seems
making the gift really would not be worth it. I do not like
totally disregarding the time spent in crafting, but you have a
solid point that this time was spent not just for the receiver,
but also to bring joy to the maker.
#Post#: 26233--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 18, 2019, 9:37 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: silversurfer link ---
>
> I think this is a really interesting discussion and would like
to add another point of view.
>
> Crafters work hard on the homemade gifts they give (myself
included). But we also enjoy the process of crafting.
>
> Speaking for myself, the enjoyment I get in making something
outweighs the enjoyment of giving it. I don't particularly mind
what you do with a home made item I give you because I have
already had the enjoyment of making it.
>
> I don't think crafters get to claim the moral gifting high
ground because we spent so long making something. We already got
our enjoyment out of making it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I wish all crafters felt the way you do. I had an aunt who loved
to crochet and filled her days making items. She had never
worked outside the home, had no children, and her husband was a
long distance truck driver so gone for 3 to 4 days at a time.
She also had never learned to drive, so stayed home when he was
away. With all of this time, she became very good and could
crochet anything. As a teen, she gifted me all sorts of things
I'd never use like crochet table runners, toilet paper dog
covers, and hats. One year I asked her if she'd crochet me a
vest if I bought the yarn. She was really excited and said she'd
love a new challenge and for over a month she kept me updated on
the status. The vest turned out great but she was picked beyond
belief when she found out I wanted it for a halloween costume.
Geez, she gave my father and mother an ear full. I assumed since
I had asked for it to be ready by late October (and this was the
early 80's not something fashionable at the time) she'd
understand I was using it for a costume. She never gifted me
another item... but I still have the vest and it has been used
several times by me and others for costumes.
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