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#Post#: 26033--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: vintagegal
Date: February 15, 2019, 6:12 am
---------------------------------------------------------
As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
#Post#: 26044--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 15, 2019, 9:28 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
#Post#: 26049--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 15, 2019, 9:50 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't have an issue with something being used for pets but
yes, I would cringe if my lovingly handcrafted item ended up on
the garage floor! But once it is given, it is up to the
recipient on how to use said item. I do agree with you that
donating it would be the better option.
#Post#: 26052--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Soop
Date: February 15, 2019, 9:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
>
--- End Quote ---
I give a lot of food to my parents (to make my Mom's life
easier). My brother was complaining that he gave them chili and
my Dad thinned it down and ate it on potatoes. So my brother
wasn't going to give them any food that he had made ever again.
My dad has said he's done the same thing to many things I have
made him...over potatoes is his go-to. I consider that once I've
gifted it, I no longer have control. If my Dad and Mom are happy
with it, then I'm happy. If there is some food item that I would
be offended by it's 'mistreatment' (e.g. something with
expensive ingredients or some recipe that took days to make), I
don't give it to them.
#Post#: 26057--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: sharonamo
Date: February 15, 2019, 11:08 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm a cross stitcher, and have made mostly things that I want to
hang on my own walls. I have made a few gifts, but they were
never surprises; I always asked the potential recipient if they
would be interested in something like that. Luckily for me, the
people I would be willing to stitch something for are close
enough to me to say "no" if they really didn't want it. I'm
currently working on a birth sampler for my first grandchild,
and my daughter selected the one she liked best.
As for receiving homemade gifts, I guess I'm lucky that I don't
have any friends? :D :D My oldest daughter sews and is very
crafty (I like to think she got it from me!) and has made me
several things over the years which I love. And she knows I
would never say no.
#Post#: 26059--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: OnyxBird
Date: February 15, 2019, 11:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=vintagegal link=topic=993.msg26033#msg26033
date=1550232737]
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
[/quote]
While your statement itself is true, I don't think it is
relevant to what vintagegal said. If vintagegal to dictated to
the recipients of her gifts what they can and can't do with
them, that would be inappropriately adding "strings" to a gift,
but that's not what she did here. The topic of the thread is how
to handle/refuse unwanted homemade gifts, presumably from
gifters who the recipient doesn't want to hurt. Vintagegal
expressed, as a crafter, an opinion that donating a handmade
item to a thrift store or otherwise giving it a chance to be
used by someone who wants it is preferable to misusing an
unappreciated item in a way that will destroy it just for the
sake of keeping the gift. That sentiment/opinion is certainly
not binding on any particular gift recipient, but it is
extremely relevant to the original topic of this thread, and
useful information for someone trying to decide what to do with
a well-meant gift.
That isn't even a particularly strict criterion, in my opinion,
since what is "use" versus "misuse" of a gift depends on
circumstances. Using a gift in a way that wasn't originally
envisioned by the gifter is not inherently hurtful. However, the
examples vintagegal used, particularly sopping up oil in the
garage, to me imply that the item is not valued at all. IME, one
doesn't pick a quilt/blanket/etc. to sop up oil because it's the
most appropriate tool for the job or especially good at
it--especially not when there are products designed specifically
for that purpose; if you use a quilt for that, it's because it's
the thing you have handy that you care the least about
destroying. That may be true, and the owner has the right to
make that decision, but the truth is that choosing to use a
handmade quilt on the garage floor instead of, e.g., a cheap
blanket from Wal-mart or the thrift store, is going to
communicate to a lot of people that you value a quilt handmade
for you less than the cheapest, mass-produced thing you could
use to sop up that oil. That may be true, but it's worth knowing
what you're communicating by that action. And more importantly,
if it's not true and you value the thought and effort behind the
gift but simply hate the item and feel you "can't" get rid of
it, it's extremely important to realize that keeping and
misusing a gift in a way that indicates that you hate it may be
more hurtful than giving it away.
For example, I knitted a baby blanket for a friend's baby. It
was the biggest knitting project I've done and took way longer
than I anticipated. I even figured out the pattern myself,
because I knew what I wanted and couldn't find a pattern that
was quite right. It came out great! I knew going into it that
there was a chance they wouldn't like the blanket itself
(although I was pretty confident that they would), and that
would have been fine--I knew they would appreciate the effort
and sentiment regardless. The recipients would certainly be
entitled to use it to sop up oil in the garage, but if I found
out (or saw a handmade item from someone else being used in that
way), I would probably conclude that they did not value handmade
gifts at all, even for the thought and effort put into it. If I
discovered that they donated it, I'd simply chalk it up to a
misfire of that particular gift (or that they ended up with too
many blankets and liked others more) and hope it was found by
someone who'd like it. On the flip side, if that blanket ends up
in tatters and stained beyond recognition because their little
boys spilled stuff on it, dragged it through the mud in the yard
while playing outside, dropped it in the pond and got worms
ground into it while fishing with Daddy, tore a hole in it
because the dog snagged it/yanked on it while they were playing
or cuddling, etc., then I would be delighted, because it's a
kid's blanket being loved and used and that is exactly what it
was made for. If it stays in excellent condition because it was
pulled out only for snuggling at naptime/bedtime, I would be
delighted because it's a kid's blanket being loved and used and
that is exactly what it was made for (although honestly, knowing
how much their boys love dirt and the outdoors, I'm secretly
hoping for the lovingly dragged through the mud option ;)). If
I found out it had been used for the dog's bed because, e.g.,
their beloved dog was ailing and took comfort in a soft blanket
that smells like her boy or simply because the little boy wanted
to share his blanket with his dog, I wouldn't mind a bit--it
wasn't its intended purpose and may lead to the blanket's
destruction, but it's still being used and appreciated for what
it is.
#Post#: 26060--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: February 15, 2019, 11:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
^^^ I love, love, love your last paragraph! :)
#Post#: 26062--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 15, 2019, 11:57 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: OnyxBird link ---
>
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=993.msg26044#msg26044
date=1550244493]
> [quote author=vintagegal link=topic=993.msg26033#msg26033
date=1550232737]
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
[/quote]
While your statement itself is true, I don't think it is
relevant to what vintagegal said. If vintagegal to dictated to
the recipients of her gifts what they can and can't do with
them, that would be inappropriately adding "strings" to a gift,
but that's not what she did here. The topic of the thread is how
to handle/refuse unwanted homemade gifts, presumably from
gifters who the recipient doesn't want to hurt. Vintagegal
expressed, as a crafter, an opinion that donating a handmade
item to a thrift store or otherwise giving it a chance to be
used by someone who wants it is preferable to misusing an
unappreciated item in a way that will destroy it just for the
sake of keeping the gift. That sentiment/opinion is certainly
not binding on any particular gift recipient, but it is
extremely relevant to the original topic of this thread, and
useful information for someone trying to decide what to do with
a well-meant gift.
That isn't even a particularly strict criterion, in my opinion,
since what is "use" versus "misuse" of a gift depends on
circumstances. Using a gift in a way that wasn't originally
envisioned by the gifter is not inherently hurtful. However, the
examples vintagegal used, particularly sopping up oil in the
garage, to me imply that the item is not valued at all. IME, one
doesn't pick a quilt/blanket/etc. to sop up oil because it's the
most appropriate tool for the job or especially good at
it--especially not when there are products designed specifically
for that purpose; if you use a quilt for that, it's because it's
the thing you have handy that you care the least about
destroying. That may be true, and the owner has the right to
make that decision, but the truth is that choosing to use a
handmade quilt on the garage floor instead of, e.g., a cheap
blanket from Wal-mart or the thrift store, is going to
communicate to a lot of people that you value a quilt handmade
for you less than the cheapest, mass-produced thing you could
use to sop up that oil. That may be true, but it's worth knowing
what you're communicating by that action. And more importantly,
if it's not true and you value the thought and effort behind the
gift but simply hate the item and feel you "can't" get rid of
it, it's extremely important to realize that keeping and
misusing a gift in a way that indicates that you hate it may be
more hurtful than giving it away.
For example, I knitted a baby blanket for a friend's baby. It
was the biggest knitting project I've done and took way longer
than I anticipated. I even figured out the pattern myself,
because I knew what I wanted and couldn't find a pattern that
was quite right. It came out great! I knew going into it that
there was a chance they wouldn't like the blanket itself
(although I was pretty confident that they would), and that
would have been fine--I knew they would appreciate the effort
and sentiment regardless. The recipients would certainly be
entitled to use it to sop up oil in the garage, but if I found
out (or saw a handmade item from someone else being used in that
way), I would probably conclude that they did not value handmade
gifts at all, even for the thought and effort put into it. If I
discovered that they donated it, I'd simply chalk it up to a
misfire of that particular gift (or that they ended up with too
many blankets and liked others more) and hope it was found by
someone who'd like it. On the flip side, if that blanket ends up
in tatters and stained beyond recognition because their little
boys spilled stuff on it, dragged it through the mud in the yard
while playing outside, dropped it in the pond and got worms
ground into it while fishing with Daddy, tore a hole in it
because the dog snagged it/yanked on it while they were playing
or cuddling, etc., then I would be delighted, because it's a
kid's blanket being loved and used and that is exactly what it
was made for. If it stays in excellent condition because it was
pulled out only for snuggling at naptime/bedtime, I would be
delighted because it's a kid's blanket being loved and used and
that is exactly what it was made for (although honestly, knowing
how much their boys love dirt and the outdoors, I'm secretly
hoping for the lovingly dragged through the mud option ;)). If
I found out it had been used for the dog's bed because, e.g.,
their beloved dog was ailing and took comfort in a soft blanket
that smells like her boy or simply because the little boy wanted
to share his blanket with his dog, I wouldn't mind a bit--it
wasn't its intended purpose and may lead to the blanket's
destruction, but it's still being used and appreciated for what
it is.
[/quote]
It's relevant in the sense that OP might read vintagegal's
statement and think "In order to be polite I must try and figure
out the intentions of the giver and only use the gift within
certain parameters," or think that every gift has obligatory
strings, spoken or unspoken, attached to it. My mother used to
be in the habit of checking up on whatever she gave me, even if
at the time she didn't say "You should use this for X purpose or
Y reason or I'm going to comment on it and express
disappointment that you don't like it or are using it wrong."
But I think that etiquette would say that a gift is "released"
from the intentions of the gifter once it's been given, and OP
should therefore release herself from fretting about the
gifter's possible intentions.
I'm extremely unsentimental about objects and tend to use them
where I have a need (like my grandfather, who actually does use
several old, handmade quilts on the floor of his garage when
he's tinkering around). And I just don't have the bandwidth (and
I don't think I have the obligation) to spend time untangling
and trying to guess if the gifter would approve or disapprove of
how I choose to use something, especially when intentions vary
so widely from person to person-for instance, you said that
you'd be happy to know that a blanket was used by pets, whereas
vintagegal would be unhappy. Short of saying "Thanks, I hate it"
and lighting the gift on fire while making prolonged eye contact
with the gifter, I don't know if a gift can suffer "misuse" by
the recipient.
#Post#: 26070--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 15, 2019, 1:15 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I do take the gifter into consideration when I decide what to do
with a gift both homemade or store purchased, as well as loved
or missed the mark. If I did not care about that person's
feelings, then I would have no problem saying things like "your
gift stinks!" But I do care and I do want them to know that I
appreciate the thought, the effort, the time, the money, ect. If
I know that using a gift in a certain way may upset the person,
then I either avoid doing so or try to keep the fact from them.
That just seems like the kind thing to do. There is certainly
some gray areas (like using a blanket for pet), but I take my
best guess and not fret much after that. You know what they say,
"We hurt the ones that we love", so there will be some occasions
where a gifter may be hurt by how I use their gift, but I try to
be as thoughtful of their feelings as I can within reason.
#Post#: 26152--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: February 16, 2019, 5:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Victoria link ---
>
> [quote author=OnyxBird link=topic=993.msg26059#msg26059
date=1550251121]
> [quote author=Victoria link=topic=993.msg26044#msg26044
date=1550244493]
> [quote author=vintagegal link=topic=993.msg26033#msg26033
date=1550232737]
> As someone who makes and has gifted quilts, I may have been
guilty of giving one to someone who didn't want it. But you can
always use it in between the bedspread and the sheet for warmth
on a bed. Same with afghans. Just please, PLEASE, don't put them
in the dog house, or use them to protect the garage floor from
oil stains. That hurts the hearts of crafters everywhere. I
would much rather you donate to the local thrift store, where it
may find its way to someone who WILL love it.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think that when you give someone a gift you relinquish your
rights to direct what it gets used for. If it has strings and
contingencies attached it's not a true gift. I say that not to
call you out personally (and I apologize if I made it seem that
way) but I think that it's an interesting discussion point.
[/quote]
While your statement itself is true, I don't think it is
relevant to what vintagegal said. If vintagegal to dictated to
the recipients of her gifts what they can and can't do with
them, that would be inappropriately adding "strings" to a gift,
but that's not what she did here. The topic of the thread is how
to handle/refuse unwanted homemade gifts, presumably from
gifters who the recipient doesn't want to hurt. Vintagegal
expressed, as a crafter, an opinion that donating a handmade
item to a thrift store or otherwise giving it a chance to be
used by someone who wants it is preferable to misusing an
unappreciated item in a way that will destroy it just for the
sake of keeping the gift. That sentiment/opinion is certainly
not binding on any particular gift recipient, but it is
extremely relevant to the original topic of this thread, and
useful information for someone trying to decide what to do with
a well-meant gift.
That isn't even a particularly strict criterion, in my opinion,
since what is "use" versus "misuse" of a gift depends on
circumstances. Using a gift in a way that wasn't originally
envisioned by the gifter is not inherently hurtful. However, the
examples vintagegal used, particularly sopping up oil in the
garage, to me imply that the item is not valued at all. IME, one
doesn't pick a quilt/blanket/etc. to sop up oil because it's the
most appropriate tool for the job or especially good at
it--especially not when there are products designed specifically
for that purpose; if you use a quilt for that, it's because it's
the thing you have handy that you care the least about
destroying. That may be true, and the owner has the right to
make that decision, but the truth is that choosing to use a
handmade quilt on the garage floor instead of, e.g., a cheap
blanket from Wal-mart or the thrift store, is going to
communicate to a lot of people that you value a quilt handmade
for you less than the cheapest, mass-produced thing you could
use to sop up that oil. That may be true, but it's worth knowing
what you're communicating by that action. And more importantly,
if it's not true and you value the thought and effort behind the
gift but simply hate the item and feel you "can't" get rid of
it, it's extremely important to realize that keeping and
misusing a gift in a way that indicates that you hate it may be
more hurtful than giving it away.
For example, I knitted a baby blanket for a friend's baby. It
was the biggest knitting project I've done and took way longer
than I anticipated. I even figured out the pattern myself,
because I knew what I wanted and couldn't find a pattern that
was quite right. It came out great! I knew going into it that
there was a chance they wouldn't like the blanket itself
(although I was pretty confident that they would), and that
would have been fine--I knew they would appreciate the effort
and sentiment regardless. The recipients would certainly be
entitled to use it to sop up oil in the garage, but if I found
out (or saw a handmade item from someone else being used in that
way), I would probably conclude that they did not value handmade
gifts at all, even for the thought and effort put into it. If I
discovered that they donated it, I'd simply chalk it up to a
misfire of that particular gift (or that they ended up with too
many blankets and liked others more) and hope it was found by
someone who'd like it. On the flip side, if that blanket ends up
in tatters and stained beyond recognition because their little
boys spilled stuff on it, dragged it through the mud in the yard
while playing outside, dropped it in the pond and got worms
ground into it while fishing with Daddy, tore a hole in it
because the dog snagged it/yanked on it while they were playing
or cuddling, etc., then I would be delighted, because it's a
kid's blanket being loved and used and that is exactly what it
was made for. If it stays in excellent condition because it was
pulled out only for snuggling at naptime/bedtime, I would be
delighted because it's a kid's blanket being loved and used and
that is exactly what it was made for (although honestly, knowing
how much their boys love dirt and the outdoors, I'm secretly
hoping for the lovingly dragged through the mud option ;)). If
I found out it had been used for the dog's bed because, e.g.,
their beloved dog was ailing and took comfort in a soft blanket
that smells like her boy or simply because the little boy wanted
to share his blanket with his dog, I wouldn't mind a bit--it
wasn't its intended purpose and may lead to the blanket's
destruction, but it's still being used and appreciated for what
it is.
[/quote]
It's relevant in the sense that OP might read vintagegal's
statement and think "In order to be polite I must try and figure
out the intentions of the giver and only use the gift within
certain parameters," or think that every gift has obligatory
strings, spoken or unspoken, attached to it. My mother used to
be in the habit of checking up on whatever she gave me, even if
at the time she didn't say "You should use this for X purpose or
Y reason or I'm going to comment on it and express
disappointment that you don't like it or are using it wrong."
But I think that etiquette would say that a gift is "released"
from the intentions of the gifter once it's been given, and OP
should therefore release herself from fretting about the
gifter's possible intentions.
I'm extremely unsentimental about objects and tend to use them
where I have a need (like my grandfather, who actually does use
several old, handmade quilts on the floor of his garage when
he's tinkering around). And I just don't have the bandwidth (and
I don't think I have the obligation) to spend time untangling
and trying to guess if the gifter would approve or disapprove of
how I choose to use something, especially when intentions vary
so widely from person to person-for instance, you said that
you'd be happy to know that a blanket was used by pets, whereas
vintagegal would be unhappy. Short of saying "Thanks, I hate it"
and lighting the gift on fire while making prolonged eye contact
with the gifter, I don't know if a gift can suffer "misuse" by
the recipient.
[/quote]
There's a difference here, though, at least the way I read it.
Vintagegal is talking about grabbing something they don't care
about to stick in the dog kennel. Victoria would be okay, in
her example, because the blanket is being shared by the boy as
something he loves. It is getting destroyed in the process of
being loved, which makes it real. (from the Velveteen Rabbit)
If I've spent hours and hours of my time and emotional energy
choosing a pattern and colors that I think you will like, and
then actually knitting or quilting something for you, thinking
about you all the time, I have invested a lot of time in this
gift. If I come over and you're using the item in a way that
will get it destroyed, I will feel that you don't care about my
time and energy, and they are being "disrespected".
I won't put strings on the gift, but if it gets destroyed
because you use it in "inappropriate" ways, I will be hurt, and
there may be consequences to our friendship. (If it gets
damaged/destroyed/lost in the process of being used with love,
that's a whole different matter! I'd be delighted if my
granddaughters' quilts were destroyed because they loved them
and took them everywhere!)
I suspect it comes down to the difference between crafters and
non-crafters. If you don't craft (and don't live with a
crafter), you may not understand how much of ourselves we put
into the gift we are making for you. My daughter got this--she
didn't want to wear the dresses I made for her, becuse she
wanted to "save them for good". When she realized I would sew
camo overalls for her, we were both delighted--I got to sew for
her, and she got the outfit she wanted.
(All "you"s are general)
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