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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 25947--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 14, 2019, 7:59 am
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--- Quote from: silversurfer link ---
>
> I love this!
>
> [quote]My husbands grandmother and aunt made a quilt for us
that was the most horrid colors with ruffles on it. I kept it
for about 5 or 6 years to see if I could find a use for it and I
never did. I finally sold it in a yard sale to 2 ladies that
absolutely loved it. I appreciated the work that went into it
but it was bad, and someone ended up with it that could display
it properly.
--- End Quote ---
I can imagine the ladies posting somewhere "we were at a yard
sale and found this home made quilt in the most perfect colours
with so much detail that we just had to buy it! It has been in
pride of place on our couch since we got it"
[/quote]
I loved reading this too and imagined a very similar scenario.
I apologize for hijacking the thread, but I was reminded of a
story. My sister came to a point where she did not know what to
do with her wedding dress. It was from her first marriage, which
the only positive results were her two boys who had no interest
in the dress. My sister did not want to keep it, but she was
struggling with just tossing it. She decided to put it out in
the yard sale and see what happens. Enter this lovely
mother/daughter duo. They saw the dress and RAVED about how
beautiful it was. (This was wonderful for my sister feelings.)
Then this duo came up with an idea. The daughter had been hoping
that her long time boyfriend would propose, but for reasons
unknown, it just hadn't happened yet. So, the pair bought the
dress to take home so that the daughter could tell the boyfriend
that she had her gown and now he needed to get that ring!!! From
the way that the mother and daughter were giggling, I imagine
that this was more of a joke, but my sister likes to imagine
that her wedding dress went on to help encourage a young guy
with some stage fright make the proposal that would send him and
his bride on the happiest of journeys!
Moral? I think that the quilt, the wedding dress (even though
not homemade), and other crafts made with love can find a
journey that makes the work put into them worthwhile.
But back to the original question, I think that you handle this
like any other gift. You thank the person and then do whatever
you want with the item. Sure, this person invested much time
into making it, but I think that by rejecting it that you are
only causing pain. However, if you can find a way to slyly help
the crafter to better match your taste in the future, I see no
harm in that!
#Post#: 25949--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 14, 2019, 8:17 am
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I think it's generally accepted etiquette that you should smile
and graciously receive gifts, even if you're already planning to
file it in the circular bin. The purpose of a gift is to convey
a thought, not to be kept forever.
But an important nuance is the issue of repeated gift-giving of
the same type. The Slate article (if we're referencing the same
one) is called "Help! My in-laws won't stop giving us tacky
homemade crafts!" If that's the case, and you feel sufficiently
obligated to say something, then I would be prepared to say
something like "We really appreciate all the time and energy
that you spend on those butt-scented candles/neon demon
quilts/coats of way too many colors, and the ones we have still
have some use in them so we really couldn't use any more." I
would then offer up possible alternatives rather than simply
shutting them down.
I'm sure there are people on both sides of the fence,
though-people who think that you should never say anything at
all, or those who think that you should say something upon the
repeated receipt of a homemade gift they can't use. I just know
that from a practical perspective you may find yourself
face-to-face with relatives or friends who ask you how you liked
their gift, or how their gift is working for you (which is rude
itself, but happens).
#Post#: 25957--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: vintagegal
Date: February 14, 2019, 9:51 am
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I think if there is a possibility of a gifting tradition
starting up, it is OK to say "I really don't have a place for
(quilts, afghans, whatever) in my place, but I appreciate the
thought". If it looks like it will be a one-off, accept
graciously and give it away later. If called on it, invent
someone the giver does not know and will never meet, who saw it
in your place and fell in love with it, so you gave it to them.
I appreciate most homemade gifts, but I had a horror of those
"ceramics" that people used to paint in storefronts and have
them fired. I thought the ones I saw were hideous. Luckily no
one ever tried to give me one. Are they even still a thing?
#Post#: 25958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Victoria
Date: February 14, 2019, 10:07 am
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--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> I appreciate most homemade gifts, but I had a horror of those
"ceramics" that people used to paint in storefronts and have
them fired. I thought the ones I saw were hideous. Luckily no
one ever tried to give me one. Are they even still a thing?
>
--- End Quote ---
Unfortunately they are still a thing. I think they're great if
you personally want to make one and keep it, but if someone
tried to give me one as a gift there would be no sentimental
value or fun attached to it like there might be for the maker.
#Post#: 25995--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 14, 2019, 4:40 pm
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I saw that!
I live in dread of being given homemade gifts. I normally don't
like them.
My tastes run toward more refined construction (like, finer
yarns and tighter knitting) and a sleeker aesthetic (I don't
like "country"-style or "rustic" things, and quilts are too
busy, visually). So a great many handicrafts don't produce
anything I personally enjoy.
My husband's grandmother crocheted us a blanket as a wedding
present. It's a great weight, but...it's colors I will never
really enjoy using, and she got the size completely wrong, so
she added on some strips going the opposite way (instead of
perhaps making a frame around the outside, or something). It's
really unattractive.
I'd love to use it, for sentimental reasons, but it's just
not attractive to me. I feel frustrated when I look at it.
The same grandmother saw the cloth doll from my childhood, which
is missing shoes, and so she crocheted little booties for it,
even though I told her several times, "No, I don't want them, I
really don't want you to make them," and everyone acted like I
should be so touched. I was furious, actually--it felt really
invasive. I understand that she was trying to be loving, and so
I never said anything to anyone, and I thanked her without being
phenomenally gushy, but that doll was a gift from someone ELSE
and had a very strong connection to my childhood, and her
pushing herself in to be part of it was really unwelcome. Plus
they were kind of ugly, completely the wrong color to go with
her outfit....
So I have those sorts of memories with homemade things that
color how I react.
I do have some positive experiences with homemade things, and
some things I love, but that's because they were specific to me,
or they came along with really important childhood memories.
But quilts, afghans, embroidery? I'm sort of terrified that
people will give them to me, because I don't want them. And I
really resent the GUILT that comes with "not valuing the hard
work that went into it."
#Post#: 25997--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 14, 2019, 4:47 pm
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There are lots of different issues in this one letter, I think.
Unwanted gifts
Repeat unwanted gifts
How to handle the difference in tastes
Giving someone decorative items
Giving someone decorative items for their home because you don't
approve of their decorating style
One time a friend gave my husband and me a painted sign with
script that said, "All because two people fell in love." It was
a great paint color to coordinate with our walls, and it was a
size that could have hung in a couple of different spots.
I didn't really love it--it wasn't my personal choice,
visually, and I thought it was sappy (I suggested hanging it
over the door to the kids' room, as a label). My husband really
disliked it!
And he said, "I don't think people should be giving other
people decor items."
I've come to think he's right.
I myself have done it a few times, and it hasn't been
horrible (a couple of successes, and a miss or two--I gave my
friend a stained-glass window that I thought she could hang in a
specific spot in a window, and she said, "I don't want to hang
anything in that window ever," but she hung it elsewhere, and
she still has it even though she could have "lost it in a move"
several times).
But I also don't buy decor items for anyone whose style I
don't really know well, or unless it's something they could toss
without much guilt (battery-powered candles, for example).
#Post#: 25998--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 14, 2019, 4:54 pm
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Re: the difference in tastes
I did have a conversation with my future MIL once; she gave me a
couple of platters, etc., and they were always what my MIL
called "European"--flowers, curlicues, gold edging.
Very not my style. I liked sleek things, geometric, plain,
modern.
I finally told her that I really appreciated her generosity, but
that I would like her to stop buying me things for my home. Our
tastes are very different, and I would prefer to get my own
things, and I felt bad when she would give me things that I
couldn't really appreciate because they were not my taste.
And I also started choosing my words carefully. She'd point out
something and say, "Isn't that lovely?" and I'd say, "It is VERY
pretty if you like floral. It's not my style; I wouldn't like
it, but it is really lovely and I can see why you like it so
much. That would be great for you."
That's what I think this woman should do--lots of "I admire your
skills, but it's not my taste" and "I can see how much you like
it, I can see the appeal, but it's not for me."
Also, focus on what she DOES like ("I need calm; I gather peace
from the open spaces on the walls and mantle") and not on what
she doesn't ("I can't stand clutter; I don't like homemade
stuff").
#Post#: 26005--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 14, 2019, 5:44 pm
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I'm a crafter. I prefer when people are upfront with me and let
me know that while they appreciate the thought, they aren't fond
of whatever it is. That way, I'm not wasting my precious time
on someone who won't appreciate the effort. Perhaps not right
when I've given them something but at some moment. I also pay
attention. If I don't see something I've made being used by the
person I've given it to, I don't make them anything else, unless
requested.
Not quite the same thing but I had to head my SIL off at the
pass a while back. She became a Scensy consultant and just
loves the stuff. I don't like most of the warmers and buddies
or whatever they are and I'm highly scent sensitive. She was
throwing an open house thing and I managed to use that as my
opening. I sent her a message that while I'd love to come and
see everything, I was highly scent sensitive and didn't think I
could handle being there. Mission accomplished! She gives our
MIL and my stepdaughter Scensy products for gift giving
occasions and me something else.
#Post#: 26006--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Dazi
Date: February 14, 2019, 6:00 pm
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Quilts and blankets I don't really care how ugly they are as
long as they aren't wool. I just save them to use for guests or
for cold nights.
Food is a no-no. I flat out tell people not to make me food.
It's not personal at all, but with my severe food allergies, I
can't trust anything. I don't know your kitchen, your food prep
skills, how well versed you are in food allergies, or if you
know squat about cross contamination. My own mother has gotten
me a few times with cross contamination.
#Post#: 26011--------------------------------------------------
Re: Refusing homemade gifts you don't want
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: February 14, 2019, 7:02 pm
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--- Quote from: vintagegal link ---
>
> I think if there is a possibility of a gifting tradition
starting up, it is OK to say "I really don't have a place for
(quilts, afghans, whatever) in my place, but I appreciate the
thought". If it looks like it will be a one-off, accept
graciously and give it away later. If called on it, invent
someone the giver does not know and will never meet, who saw it
in your place and fell in love with it, so you gave it to them.
>
> I appreciate most homemade gifts, but I had a horror of those
"ceramics" that people used to paint in storefronts and have
them fired. I thought the ones I saw were hideous. Luckily no
one ever tried to give me one. Are they even still a thing?
>
--- End Quote ---
Oh yes, ceramics... where we all learned to say "That's pretty,
Grandma, but I don't need anything like that" when she showed us
things! If I remember rightly, she did learn to ask us if we
wanted something that she wanted to make. I have all the ceramic
Christmas trees she made (I inherited her two, plus the one she
made my mom, plus mine!) which I actually do like. There were a
couple of other things I liked too, but I can't recall right
now.
I guess all in all I have been pretty fortunate not to have
people who gift home made items willy nilly. And as I get older,
I shall strive to not be that person! I am also fortunate that
everyone likes my quilts - even had a friend's daughter say to
me that she wanted a quilt for her wedding (it was apropos to
the conversation) which shocked her mother's sensibilities! I
just laughed, and told her mother privately that it was actually
great to hear, because her wedding quilt was already in my
cupboard. (She doesn't even have a boyfriend yet - LOL! But I am
ready!)
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