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#Post#: 25744--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 11, 2019, 1:58 pm
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--- Quote from: lisastitch link ---
>
> [quote author=Hmmm link=topic=985.msg25712#msg25712
date=1549899376]
> [quote author=Anon4Now link=topic=985.msg25709#msg25709
date=1549899151]
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=985.msg25697#msg25697
date=1549895379]
> I think it depends on your culture, and in the US, where you
are located.
>
> I live in an area that's really diverse so I see it in some
cultures (mine included) and not in others. Also in
neighborhoods that are more "blue collar" (mine included) help
if they can because they know what an expense this can be.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element as
well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
[/quote]
Yep, my mother would have been very insulted and I can just hear
her trying to politely say through gritted teeth "thank you but
your charity is not needed."
[/quote]
Out of curiosity--would you mother have been insulted with
people bringing meals by? That's my expectation when someone
dies, but the deaths our friends are dealing with are their
parents, who live in other areas. It doesn't make sense to give
them a meal, but I could see giving a gift card to a restaurant
to help when traveling. If I didn't have time to get to the
store to get a gift card, giving cash might be easiest. (I've
never done it, but am mulling over comments in this thread.)
[/quote]
No, she wouldn't have been insulted by meals. The thought behind
bringing meals to the home was that the family would be hosting
out of town relatives and friends and visitors would be stopping
by. The family wouldn't have time to prepare meals. It wasn't
seen as financial support of the family.
#Post#: 25771--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 11, 2019, 5:43 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I used to have a similar reaction to food vs. money.
Food is "help with the logistics of a difficult time."
Money is "support for the family because they can't support
themselves."
This is a longstanding way of looking at things, frequently seen
in etiquette. There are people who are uncomfortable with cash
gifts, but not physical objects. It's why some people really
dislike requests for cash but are OK w/ registries for items.
I was taken aback when gifts of money were given, but I also saw
how really useful they were. So I've made my peace with it.
#Post#: 25774--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: guest657
Date: February 11, 2019, 5:50 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=lisastitch link=topic=985.msg25742#msg25742
date=1549914069]
> [quote author=Hmmm link=topic=985.msg25712#msg25712
date=1549899376]
> [quote author=Anon4Now link=topic=985.msg25709#msg25709
date=1549899151]
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=985.msg25697#msg25697
date=1549895379]
> I think it depends on your culture, and in the US, where you
are located.
>
> I live in an area that's really diverse so I see it in some
cultures (mine included) and not in others. Also in
neighborhoods that are more "blue collar" (mine included) help
if they can because they know what an expense this can be.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element as
well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
[/quote]
Yep, my mother would have been very insulted and I can just hear
her trying to politely say through gritted teeth "thank you but
your charity is not needed."
[/quote]
Out of curiosity--would you mother have been insulted with
people bringing meals by? That's my expectation when someone
dies, but the deaths our friends are dealing with are their
parents, who live in other areas. It doesn't make sense to give
them a meal, but I could see giving a gift card to a restaurant
to help when traveling. If I didn't have time to get to the
store to get a gift card, giving cash might be easiest. (I've
never done it, but am mulling over comments in this thread.)
[/quote]
No, she wouldn't have been insulted by meals. The thought behind
bringing meals to the home was that the family would be hosting
out of town relatives and friends and visitors would be stopping
by. The family wouldn't have time to prepare meals. It wasn't
seen as financial support of the family.
[/quote]
Same here about meals. But my mom wouldn't have openly rejected
it. She would have just died a thousand deaths of silent
mortification, gone home and ripped up the check (possibly with
angry tears) and never been able to look the person in the face
again.
She came from extreme poverty, was the first person in her
family to attend college or have a professional job, and
couldn't abide the idea of anyone looking down on her or
thinking she might need money.
But if you had a friend with similar feelings, you'd know, I'm
sure.
#Post#: 25782--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Writer of Wrongs
Date: February 11, 2019, 7:06 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I should perhaps clarify that this isn’t something that we (my
area) ALWAYS do. It’s the college student killed in a wreck,
whose family never expected to bury their 20-year-old son. The
sole breadwinner who leaves behind a spouse/kids. The single mom
whose parents are now having to fund her funeral and also take
on rearing her children - and replacing all their stuff lost in
the fire that killed Mom. It’s definitely situational and
sensitive to the family’s needs - and done discreetly.
#Post#: 25787--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: February 12, 2019, 1:59 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Writer of Wrongs link ---
>
> I should perhaps clarify that this isn’t something that we (my
area) ALWAYS do. It’s the college student killed in a wreck,
whose family never expected to bury their 20-year-old son. The
sole breadwinner who leaves behind a spouse/kids. The single mom
whose parents are now having to fund her funeral and also take
on rearing her children - and replacing all their stuff lost in
the fire that killed Mom. It’s definitely situational and
sensitive to the family’s needs - and done discreetly.
>
--- End Quote ---
That makes sense. It's situational rather than a blanket
decision.
#Post#: 25836--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Bottlecaps
Date: February 12, 2019, 8:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Thank you for all the thoughtful responses. :)
The more that I think about it, I feel like several factors
mentioned here were at play (her death was unexpected & she was
still pretty young at 54, she didn't have much in the way of
money and most people knew that, and our whole family is
working-class). I wasn't insulted at all by these gifts, mainly
just surprised, not to mention ever, ever grateful. All of the
gifts were given very discreetly - either paid to the funeral
home directly, or tucked into a sympathy card. One was given
directly to me, by a family member, who took me aside away from
anyone who could see, after the funeral.
If at no other time, it truly is in the midst of grief when you
find out just how many people care. I am so, so grateful to have
so many people who loved my Mom, and love us.
#Post#: 26117--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: February 16, 2019, 8:13 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote ---
> I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element
as well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
>
> In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
>
--- End Quote ---
In the UK it's not only the upper-income groups who would be
offended - in fact it's some of the poorest people who would be
most insulted. ("Do these people think we're paupers? Or that we
wouldn't do right by our Gran unless we were paid to?") It
would be massively insulting, and it wouldn't enter my head, or
that of anyone else I know, to offer money unless I was actually
a member of the immediate family.
I admit that I may be behind the times, given that in the age of
GoFundMe people are getting used to holding out a begging bowl
for anything they want, even holidays and treats; the feeling of
shame for outright begging, let alone accepting charity, is
disappearing rapidly.
#Post#: 26149--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Two Ravens
Date: February 16, 2019, 4:27 pm
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I grew up in the Northeast US. This would be pretty normal for
us. When my grandmother passed away, many people sent checks.
When my aunt wrote the thank-you letters (this is still done,
right?) she included that the contributions were forwarded on to
my Nana’s favorite charity, where she had volunteered for many
years.
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