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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 25708--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 11, 2019, 9:31 am
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I am sorry for your loss.
I am from Texas and never heard of gifting money at funerals
until I read about it on EH. By that time, all 4 grandparents,
parents and many aunt and uncles had passed away. Then a few
years ago, my BIL passed away and my sister received a couple of
cards with cash inside. She said it was becoming common in their
small town to gift money to a family, no matter their financial
situation. She said less people were bringing food by and more
people putting a $20 in a card.
#Post#: 25709--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: guest657
Date: February 11, 2019, 9:32 am
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--- Quote from: Rose Red link ---
>
> I think it depends on your culture, and in the US, where you
are located.
>
> I live in an area that's really diverse so I see it in some
cultures (mine included) and not in others. Also in
neighborhoods that are more "blue collar" (mine included) help
if they can because they know what an expense this can be.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element as
well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
#Post#: 25710--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Pattycake
Date: February 11, 2019, 9:35 am
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I am so sorry for your loss. Gifting money is not a thing here,
except to request in lieu of flowers that people donate to a
charity, which is usually something to do with whatever the
cause of death was, like for instance cancer. With our highly
mobile society nowadays, people take their traditions with them,
so they are probably just doing what they have always known to
be done in their circles.
#Post#: 25711--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 11, 2019, 9:35 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I am sorry for your loss.
>
> I am from Texas and never heard of gifting money at funerals
until I read about it on EH. By that time, all 4 grandparents,
parents and many aunt and uncles had passed away. Then a few
years ago, my BIL passed away and my sister received a couple of
cards with cash inside. She said it was becoming common in their
small town to gift money to a family, no matter their financial
situation. She said less people were bringing food by and more
people putting a $20 in a card.
>
--- End Quote ---
That makes sense! It was common, in my area, for people to
bring food by, too. $20 in a card with the business of today's
world and it can be used to go out to grab a bite or for other
expenses. I still remember the freezer full of food we had when
my Mom was dying; a lot of it got used in the days after Mom
died when we didn't feel like making anything.
#Post#: 25712--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 11, 2019, 9:36 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Anon4Now link ---
>
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=985.msg25697#msg25697
date=1549895379]
> I think it depends on your culture, and in the US, where you
are located.
>
> I live in an area that's really diverse so I see it in some
cultures (mine included) and not in others. Also in
neighborhoods that are more "blue collar" (mine included) help
if they can because they know what an expense this can be.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element as
well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
[/quote]
Yep, my mother would have been very insulted and I can just hear
her trying to politely say through gritted teeth "thank you but
your charity is not needed."
#Post#: 25722--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: February 11, 2019, 10:25 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I am sorry for your loss. I do hope that you will find comfort
within the memories you have made.
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> I am sorry for your loss.
>
> I am from Texas and never heard of gifting money at funerals
until I read about it on EH. By that time, all 4 grandparents,
parents and many aunt and uncles had passed away. Then a few
years ago, my BIL passed away and my sister received a couple of
cards with cash inside. She said it was becoming common in their
small town to gift money to a family, no matter their financial
situation. She said less people were bringing food by and more
people putting a $20 in a card.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think of myself from the Midwest and I do not know how common
it is, but I recall receiving money for my various grandparents.
But it was more similar to what Hmmm describes; $20 bucks within
a card. We also received gift cards to various restaurants and
grocery stores, too.
I have an inside joke with my uncle (my dad's brother). When my
mother's dad passed away, we had spoken and he had inquired as
to what was needed. I (jokingly as our relationship allows) told
him that we were all hungry and needed more food! (There was
soooo much food.) I then received a card from him with a local
restaurant gift card. In fact, every once in awhile one of them
appears in the mail from him for no apparent reason!!! :D
#Post#: 25723--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 11, 2019, 10:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I think the circumstances matter. A person who has a terminal
illness, or who is of advanced age, likely has some sort of life
insurance or plan in place for when they die. They might not
know the specific date that they will pass, but they are aware
that their time on earth will be coming to a close sometime
relatively soon and they have planned for it. In such situations
I agree it might seem odd to give money.
But in situations of a sudden and unexpected death of a young
healthy person it is actually more common to have absolutely no
plan in place for funeral expenses. I've known people who have
died in their twenties with no assets at all and no life
insurance and their families certainly had not set aside money
to pay for a funeral for them. Why would they have? In such
situations, I have known family and friends and community
members to give money to help defray costs of the unexpected
death.
People seem to think spending money on flowers at funerals is
okay, and of course it is, but in some situations that $20-100
could be better spent actually paying toward burial costs.
#Post#: 25729--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: STiG
Date: February 11, 2019, 11:16 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> But in situations of a sudden and unexpected death of a young
healthy person it is actually more common to have absolutely no
plan in place for funeral expenses. I've known people who have
died in their twenties with no assets at all and no life
insurance and their families certainly had not set aside money
to pay for a funeral for them. Why would they have? In such
situations, I have known family and friends and community
members to give money to help defray costs of the unexpected
death.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yes. A GoFundMe was started for a friend's 'niece' because she
died out of province in her early 20's. Arrangements had to be
made to ship the body home and, of course, no funeral expenses
had been set aside. She also had a young child, fortunately in
a good co-parenting arrangement with the child's father and his
fiancee. My friend's husband works for an airline so inquired
whether he could get a cheaper fare for the shipping. His
manager found out and arranged for the body to be shipped, free
of charge, and for it to be escorted. So the money that had
been raised was more than what was needed for the funeral and
the remainder was placed in trust for the young child for future
education. This kind of 'crowdsourcing' has been going on for
decades; it just used to be that you had to go to a local bank
branch where an account was set up and ask to make a deposit.
#Post#: 25735--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: mime
Date: February 11, 2019, 12:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I'm Midwestern-US. It is common here, along the lines of a
$25-$50 check with no particular direction unless a specific
charity was mentioned. It is so routine for most of us that it
doesn't even come with much of a thought process. For some of
us, the amount goes quite a bit higher if we know of difficult
circumstances-- expensive medical bills, young death, general
financial struggles, etc.
I've always seen it being done in the spirit of "we're all in
this together." From the perspective of my culture, it is odd to
learn that it would be taken as an insult because we do it so
automatically that the act isn't really done with regard to need
(but as I said above, the amount may or may not be influenced by
need, but given in the same spirit).
As always, it is so very interesting to hear other perspectives!
#Post#: 25742--------------------------------------------------
Re: Gifting money at a funeral?
DIR By: lisastitch
Date: February 11, 2019, 1:41 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Hmmm link ---
>
> [quote author=Anon4Now link=topic=985.msg25709#msg25709
date=1549899151]
> [quote author=Rose Red link=topic=985.msg25697#msg25697
date=1549895379]
> I think it depends on your culture, and in the US, where you
are located.
>
> I live in an area that's really diverse so I see it in some
cultures (mine included) and not in others. Also in
neighborhoods that are more "blue collar" (mine included) help
if they can because they know what an expense this can be.
>
--- End Quote ---
I think there's a generation and socioeconomic class element as
well as regional. I'm from the South, and in the class my
parents came from this would have been offered, but probably not
accepted unless it was a very close family member or friend, and
very discreet (lots of shame around "charity").
In the class to which they aspired, this would have been very
much Not Done and seen as insulting/overstepping in a big way.
[/quote]
Yep, my mother would have been very insulted and I can just hear
her trying to politely say through gritted teeth "thank you but
your charity is not needed."
[/quote]
Out of curiosity--would you mother have been insulted with
people bringing meals by? That's my expectation when someone
dies, but the deaths our friends are dealing with are their
parents, who live in other areas. It doesn't make sense to give
them a meal, but I could see giving a gift card to a restaurant
to help when traveling. If I didn't have time to get to the
store to get a gift card, giving cash might be easiest. (I've
never done it, but am mulling over comments in this thread.)
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