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#Post#: 25599--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: February 9, 2019, 3:59 pm
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I agree that it's respectful to let her manage her own feelings.
I'd fill your schedule with the people and activities you want
(and mention to the mutual friends that you are wanting to see
just them, since you seldom get to, and so to not add anybody in
and to be discreet in case there might be hurt feelings).
Then ping your friend and say, "I'm going to be in town, but
I'll be helping mom and seeing some other friends, so this visit
I won't have time to get together. My next visit will be
sometime in X, so let's make sure we see each other then."
Just always speak of your plans as though they are the most
reasonable thing ever. Just totally ordinary; of no one would be
upset.
Never speak in an apologetic tone; always be matter-of-fact and
informational.
And then just establish a pattern of seeing her every other
visit or something.
#Post#: 25622--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: February 9, 2019, 10:42 pm
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Thanks all for the suggestions. You are correct in saying that
it's good to let Sue manage her own feelings.
--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=981.msg25582#msg25582
date=1549723680]
> I would suggest a group outing at a bar at night. Not dinner;
just drinks. Then Sue can either decline because she cannot
bring Billy to the bar, or she will decide it is more important
to see you and leave him home.
>
--- End Quote ---
I was going to suggest this also.
[/quote]
This is a great idea... except Saturday night is really the only
full night I'll have in Home City - and that will be taken up
with my family reunion. I fly in late on Friday night (too late
really, to do anything) and leave Sunday evening. So catching up
with other friends will have to be during the day time. That
makes it harder to do an "adults only" thing.
--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> I'm not sure of the full script, but I think if you emphasize
how much you're looking forward to seeing her on your next trip,
when you're going to have more time to relax, she'll be less
hurt and she'll know you're not trying to snub the relationship.
>
> FWIW, it might be worth asking if she can leave Billy at home.
She might be agreeable to it if you explain how hard it is to
properly catch up with Billy there and how you'd love to be able
to have a real conversation. Don't bring it up this visit,
obviously, but another time.
>
> Once my DH's old friend came for a visit and DH's mom actually
ended up playing with the kids while the adults talked (she
jumped in to do it, no one forced her). Or when I visit my
back-home-best-friend, we all go to her house, but DH spends a
lot of time playing with our toddler while she and I catch up. I
guess what I'm saying is maybe including another person or two
could help you have a real conversation. Invite your friend's
husband or mother to join you, perhaps.
>
--- End Quote ---
Hmm, I think asking her to leave Billy at home would go down
like a lead balloon. She is very attached to him - the only
person she allows to mind him is her mother when she has to
work. She doesn't even let her own husband look after him!
I have invited her husband to our catch-ups - he is a really
nice guy, and seems more than capable, so I'm unsure as to why
Sue doesn't feel comfortable letting him look after Billy. What
normally happens is that her husband and I end up chatting while
Sue entertains/distracts Billy!
I'm thinking of catching up with our other two mutual friends
separately, rather than in a group situation. That might make it
a bit more palatable if word gets back to Sue that *they* were
the other friends with whom I was catching up.
#Post#: 25633--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: February 10, 2019, 9:40 am
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--- Quote from: LifeOnPluto link ---
>
> Thanks all for the suggestions. You are correct in saying that
it's good to let Sue manage her own feelings.
>
> [quote author=Hanna link=topic=981.msg25585#msg25585
date=1549727230]
> [quote author=Jem link=topic=981.msg25582#msg25582
date=1549723680]
> I would suggest a group outing at a bar at night. Not dinner;
just drinks. Then Sue can either decline because she cannot
bring Billy to the bar, or she will decide it is more important
to see you and leave him home.
>
--- End Quote ---
I was going to suggest this also.
[/quote]
This is a great idea... except Saturday night is really the only
full night I'll have in Home City - and that will be taken up
with my family reunion. I fly in late on Friday night (too late
really, to do anything) and leave Sunday evening. So catching up
with other friends will have to be during the day time. That
makes it harder to do an "adults only" thing.
--- Quote from: Bada link ---
>
> I'm not sure of the full script, but I think if you emphasize
how much you're looking forward to seeing her on your next trip,
when you're going to have more time to relax, she'll be less
hurt and she'll know you're not trying to snub the relationship.
>
> FWIW, it might be worth asking if she can leave Billy at home.
She might be agreeable to it if you explain how hard it is to
properly catch up with Billy there and how you'd love to be able
to have a real conversation. Don't bring it up this visit,
obviously, but another time.
>
> Once my DH's old friend came for a visit and DH's mom actually
ended up playing with the kids while the adults talked (she
jumped in to do it, no one forced her). Or when I visit my
back-home-best-friend, we all go to her house, but DH spends a
lot of time playing with our toddler while she and I catch up. I
guess what I'm saying is maybe including another person or two
could help you have a real conversation. Invite your friend's
husband or mother to join you, perhaps.
>
--- End Quote ---
snip
I have invited her husband to our catch-ups - he is a really
nice guy, and seems more than capable, so I'm unsure as to why
Sue doesn't feel comfortable letting him look after Billy. What
normally happens is that her husband and I end up chatting while
Sue entertains/distracts Billy!
snip
[/quote]
Only, based on this, I wonder how interested she really is in
catching up with you vs seeing it as a obligation to visit when
your in town or just another chance to show off her child.
I really do believe that any one who chooses to bring their
child (or spouse) with them to every visit with me is conveying
that they have lost interest in continuing a close and intimate
friendship. Introducing a third person everytime you get
together changes the dynamic of the friendship.
#Post#: 25738--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: bopper
Date: February 11, 2019, 12:54 pm
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Another thing to try is "I am going to be back in town to help
my mom and for a family reunion...would you be able to get a
babysitter for Billy and we could get together? I would like a
"just us" going out for drinks this time. If not, then maybe
next time."
#Post#: 25746--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 11, 2019, 2:41 pm
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Speaking of lead balloons, this idea might also be one so feel
free to shoot it down but....
Have you considered just telling her how you feel?
Taking an edited version of your own words:
I like Billy, however, as Billy is now a toddler, he naturally
demands a lot of attention, and there is not much room for us to
catch up as much as I'd like. If there is any way we can meet,
even for just an hour or two, for "girls only" that would be
great! Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you and Billy on a
future trip.
Honestly, people who cannot let go of their child for a while in
order to socialize are making a choice of their child over their
friends. By the same token, their friends have a right to also
make a choice. The fact that she won't even let her husband
watch him says a lot about how clingy she is to Billy.
Yes, it can be hurtful for her to hear, "I want to see you and
not Billy" but really, I find it hurtful for her to say, "I want
to see you but not enough to be apart from Billy for even a
short while."
Of course, that won't change the fact that she might be hurt.
But she has made a decision on raising her child to the point of
not being willing to leave him in anyone's care, so she's going
to just have to own that and deal with the consequences.
#Post#: 25749--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 11, 2019, 2:48 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: lowspark link ---
>
> Speaking of lead balloons, this idea might also be one so feel
free to shoot it down but....
> Have you considered just telling her how you feel?
>
> Taking an edited version of your own words:
> I like Billy, however, as Billy is now a toddler, he naturally
demands a lot of attention, and there is not much room for us to
catch up as much as I'd like. If there is any way we can meet,
even for just an hour or two, for "girls only" that would be
great! Otherwise, I look forward to seeing you and Billy on a
future trip.
>
> Honestly, people who cannot let go of their child for a while
in order to socialize are making a choice of their child over
their friends. By the same token, their friends have a right to
also make a choice. The fact that she won't even let her husband
watch him says a lot about how clingy she is to Billy.
>
> Yes, it can be hurtful for her to hear, "I want to see you and
not Billy" but really, I find it hurtful for her to say, "I want
to see you but not enough to be apart from Billy for even a
short while."
>
> Of course, that won't change the fact that she might be hurt.
But she has made a decision on raising her child to the point of
not being willing to leave him in anyone's care, so she's going
to just have to own that and deal with the consequences.
>
--- End Quote ---
Agreed 100%. Sometimes friendships change, and sometimes people
simply no longer have anything in common. This might be one of
those situations.
#Post#: 25756--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Bada
Date: February 11, 2019, 3:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> Another thing to try is "I am going to be back in town to help
my mom and for a family reunion...would you be able to get a
babysitter for Billy and we could get together? I would like a
"just us" going out for drinks this time. If not, then maybe
next time."
>
--- End Quote ---
OP said she doesn't have time for drinks this time. And she also
said that OP doesn't even trust her HUSBAND with Billy. Which I
think is INSANE, FTR. Unless your husband is a complete
degenerate, you should be able to trust him with his own flesh
and blood. My DH went nuts when I summarized this exchange and
says the friend's husband should be advocating for himself so
he's allowed to have a relationship with his son. I don't
disagree. How sad.
#Post#: 25789--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: February 12, 2019, 4:50 am
---------------------------------------------------------
OP here. Sue's husband is a pretty laid-back kind of guy, but
definitely not a complete degenerate!
Sue's parenting style is definitely "Mama Bear"! She co-sleeps
with Billy in the nursery (husband sleeps alone in the master
bedroom). She eats dinner with Billy at 5pm (husband eats alone
at a later hour). Whenever they go anywhere in the car, Sue's
husband drives up front, and Sue rides in the back with Billy.
She has refused to take Billy to visit her husband's grandpa who
lives in a nursing home, as she reckons "those places" are
always having outbreaks of gastro, and what if Billy catches
something? She also refused to take Billy to visit her
father-in-law when he was in dying in hospital in case Billy
caught a germ.
It's not a parenting style that I agree with, but I guess it
works for Sue, and her family arrangements (and marriage) are
absolutely none of my business, so I feel it's not my place to
say anything in that regard.
#Post#: 25795--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 12, 2019, 7:54 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree it’s best to not criticize Sue’s parenting style, but I
personally would distance myself from Sue because of it. I would
invite *Sue* to adult only events and say, “sorry you’ll have to
miss out” if she insists on bringing Billy or says she can’t
come if he isn’t welcome.
#Post#: 25797--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: lowspark
Date: February 12, 2019, 8:25 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> I agree it’s best to not criticize Sue’s parenting style, but
I personally would distance myself from Sue because of it. I
would invite *Sue* to adult only events and say, “sorry you’ll
have to miss out” if she insists on bringing Billy or says she
can’t come if he isn’t welcome.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this. It's not only that you will never be able to
socialize with Sue without Billy, it's also that Sue's attention
will always be focused on Billy, regardless of his age. I'm
guessing that even when Billy is old enough to go to school,
Billy will be all Sue wants to talk about.
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