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#Post#: 25575--------------------------------------------------
Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: LifeOnPluto
Date: February 9, 2019, 12:02 am
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Hi all,
I'm visiting Home City next weekend. I have a family reunion on
the Saturday night, but other than that, no concrete plans. I
only visit Home City about 3-4 times a year.
Here's the dilemma. I have a best friend of 15 years ("Sue")
back in Home City, who I normally always catch up with whenever
I'm back. This time, however, I'd prefer not to, for the
following reasons:
1. I'm only back for two days, and would rather spend that time
helping my mother out with various chores that (for reasons not
relevant to this post) she can't do by herself, and catching up
with other friends who I haven't seen for ages; and
2. Sue has a two year old son, Billy, who she always brings
everywhere, even when her husband (or mother) is available to
mind him. I like Billy (and children in general) and am happy
for Sue that she is finding motherhood so fulfilling. However,
as Billy is now a toddler, he naturally demands a lot of
attention, so much of our recent catch-ups have been centered
around Sue chasing after him, helping him eat and drink, singing
him nursery rhymes, and generally cooing over him, etc.
Sometimes there is not much room for a proper adult
conversation, and it gets a little wearying (yeah, I know that
makes me sound horrible, and I'm fully prepared to be slammed!).
I'm okay with this if I have lots of time to kill, but not if my
time is more limited.
I know Sue will be hurt if she discovers that I visited Home
City without at least making the effort to see her (and Billy!)
for a quick coffee or a cuppa. Not telling her that I'm visiting
isn't really an option, as at the family reunion, there's a
strong chance that someone will tag me in a post on Facebook,
and she'll see it.
To complicate matters, a couple of my other friends who I want
to catch up with, are mutual friends of myself and Sue - which
makes it even more likely she'll be a bit hurt if they mention
to her that I'm in town. I guess there's the option of
organising a group catch-up where I invite everyone including
Sue, but that doesn't solve the "Billy issue". (That is, that
the focus will end up being on Billy, rather than the adults
catching up and sharing news). Plus, as much as I love Sue,
sometimes I'd just like to catch up with mutual friends on their
own.
Am I being rude? Hurtful? And does anyone have a polite script
that I can use to explain to Sue that on this occasion, I won't
be catching up with her? (Note, I don't plan on raising the
issue of her bringing Billy everywhere - I've accepted that she
and Billy are a package deal, and respect that).
#Post#: 25576--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: guest657
Date: February 9, 2019, 12:17 am
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"Hi Sue, touching base because I'm going to be in town this
weekend. I know we usually get together, but I'm going to be
pretty slammed with family stuff and helping Mom. Just want you
to know I'm thinking of you, and hope to see you next time. Love
to Billy (and partner?)"
You are not a bad person for not being up for endless episodes
of The Billy Show. Particularly when you have caregiving of your
own to do.
Sue will get some more of her own time back before long. A
long-term friendship goes through different stages, and it's
okay to acknowledge that this stage is tricky for both of you.
#Post#: 25581--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: February 9, 2019, 8:11 am
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^^^ I absolutely totally agree with this, but it doesn't solve
the secondary dilemma -- that being that she honestly would like
to get together with some of her other old friends she hasn't
seen in a long time. Since they are all also friends with Sue,
it would take some very skillful maneuvering to figure out how
to see some of them sans Sue.
#Post#: 25582--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Jem
Date: February 9, 2019, 8:48 am
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I would suggest a group outing at a bar at night. Not dinner;
just drinks. Then Sue can either decline because she cannot
bring Billy to the bar, or she will decide it is more important
to see you and leave him home.
#Post#: 25583--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Bada
Date: February 9, 2019, 9:31 am
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I'm not sure of the full script, but I think if you emphasize
how much you're looking forward to seeing her on your next trip,
when you're going to have more time to relax, she'll be less
hurt and she'll know you're not trying to snub the relationship.
FWIW, it might be worth asking if she can leave Billy at home.
She might be agreeable to it if you explain how hard it is to
properly catch up with Billy there and how you'd love to be able
to have a real conversation. Don't bring it up this visit,
obviously, but another time.
Once my DH's old friend came for a visit and DH's mom actually
ended up playing with the kids while the adults talked (she
jumped in to do it, no one forced her). Or when I visit my
back-home-best-friend, we all go to her house, but DH spends a
lot of time playing with our toddler while she and I catch up. I
guess what I'm saying is maybe including another person or two
could help you have a real conversation. Invite your friend's
husband or mother to join you, perhaps.
#Post#: 25585--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: Hanna
Date: February 9, 2019, 9:47 am
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> I would suggest a group outing at a bar at night. Not dinner;
just drinks. Then Sue can either decline because she cannot
bring Billy to the bar, or she will decide it is more important
to see you and leave him home.
>
--- End Quote ---
I was going to suggest this also.
#Post#: 25587--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: guest657
Date: February 9, 2019, 10:28 am
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--- Quote from: gramma dishes link ---
>
> ^^^ I absolutely totally agree with this, but it doesn't
solve the secondary dilemma -- that being that she honestly
would like to get together with some of her other old friends
she hasn't seen in a long time. Since they are all also friends
with Sue, it would take some very skillful maneuvering to figure
out how to see some of them sans Sue.
>
--- End Quote ---
Why?
She can just contact the people she wants to see and arrange
something with them. Being busy, or on a tight schedule, or as I
put it "slammed" is not some kind of blood oath that you're not
going to see anyone but relatives.
It's not going to work out this time, but she doesn't want to be
sneaky about the fact that she's in town. This is just a nice
way of saying it.
I think going out of your way to invent a gathering purely to
exclude or manipulate Sue, is a crappy thing to do to anybody.
The more you dance around finagling things, the more you are
deliberately trying to deceive or exclude her. Just say the true
part - thinking of you, won't be seeing you this trip - and keep
the rest to yourself.
If Home Town is anything like my hometown right now, there's an
excellent chance Sue and Billy have the flu or strep throat and
couldn't get together anyhow.
#Post#: 25588--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: wonderfullyanonymous
Date: February 9, 2019, 10:48 am
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There is also nothing wrong with saying, I'll be at an adults
only gathering at "this place," if you can find someone to watch
Billy, why don't you join us. If she does show up with Billy,
there is nothing wrong with telling her, "I'm sorry, this is
adults only, we will have to catch up another time."
#Post#: 25590--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: lakey
Date: February 9, 2019, 11:02 am
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I agree with Anon4Now. Also, what you need to accomplish is to
change this pattern where every time you visit Home Town you
have to get together with this friend. You need to see her
because you want to, not because it has become some kind of
requirement or expectation. Once this expectation is changed,
you'll probably feel a lot more comfortable in your relationship
with her.
What I've found is that when you make a change like this, the
person may feel a bit hurt initially, but as long as you are
reasonable, they will adjust to your reasonableness.
#Post#: 25595--------------------------------------------------
Re: Visiting Home City but not seeing best friend?
DIR By: guest657
Date: February 9, 2019, 3:12 pm
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> I agree with Anon4Now. Also, what you need to accomplish is to
change this pattern where every time you visit Home Town you
have to get together with this friend. You need to see her
because you want to, not because it has become some kind of
requirement or expectation. Once this expectation is changed,
you'll probably feel a lot more comfortable in your relationship
with her.
>
> What I've found is that when you make a change like this, the
person may feel a bit hurt initially, but as long as you are
reasonable, they will adjust to your reasonableness.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yes. You can't manage someone else's feelings because you aren't
in charge of their feelings. She may feel hurt. She may feel
relieved. She may feel momentarily disappointed, but it's really
not that big a deal because she had a lot of other things going
on and fitting in a coffee with you would be difficult.
The only thing you can control is your own behavior. Be kind,
reasonable, honest, and tactful.
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