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#Post#: 550--------------------------------------------------
Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Jem Date: May 14, 2018, 3:06 pm
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I will try to streamline this as much as possible. My question
is whether you think my DH should continue to reach out to his
(former) friend ("Bob") or finally cut his losses, and whether
he owes more than a "pick up your stuff by X date."
My DH and Bob had been friends for over 20 years. Among other
things, they were in a band together. A number of years ago, the
band lost its female lead singer, and I suggested one of my
friends, Sue, try out for the position. She did, the band liked
her, and they carried on with her as the new singer.
Unfortunately, Sue and Bob began an affair, which resulted in
Bob divorcing his wife of almost 25 years. The band also broke
up over the drama. I expressed to Sue that I was disappointed in
her actions, as I think a good friend would, but that I was not
choosing sides and would continue to be her friend. DH expressed
the same to Bob.
Inexplicably, Sue severed her friendship with me (including
sending my DH and me nasty messages and blocking us on
Facebook). This was a couple years ago now. Bob and I were
Facebook friends but didn't really interact there. Bob did not
do anything with respect to Facebook connections and neither did
I. I have had basically no contact with Sue or Bob for years,
aside from a few text messages in connection with deaths in our
respective families. I know from mutual friends and Bob's
Facebook posts that Sue and Bob now live together.
DH and Bob have met occasionally since the drama and DH would
like to rekindle their friendship. Bob has several thousand
dollars worth of equipment stored in our basement. Last night,
DH again reached out to Bob and asked if they could set up a
time for Bob to get his equipment and perhaps get together. Bob
responded that he would think about it, and asked if DH was
interested in starting a new band with DH and Bob and Sue and
another former band member. Basically, pretending nothing
happened I guess? My DH didn't respond right away.
Recall that Bob and I remained Facebook friends throughout all
of this, as did DH and Bob. I never really thought much of it,
though I would see things Bob posted from time to time
(including photos of Bob and Sue). I even saw a post from Bob
yesterday about his mom for Mother's Day, which my DH commented
on. Against my better judgment, I searched Facebook earlier
today and saw that Bob and I are no longer Facebook friends, and
neither are Bob and DH. I find this really strange since just
last night Bob was asking DH to start the band again with him
and Sue!
I told DH that I think he is wasting his time trying to be
friends with Bob again, and that he should tell Bob to pick up
his equipment by a certain date and if he doesn't DH will sell
it. I think Bob has shown that he is not a good friend to DH and
DH owes him nothing further. What does this forum think?
#Post#: 556--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Bada Date: May 14, 2018, 3:31 pm
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I'd wait a few days and see if Bob reappears. I don't know why
it happens, but sometimes friends vanish. I had a falling out
with a friend IRL, then saw she was no longer listed as a FB
friend. Then a few days later there she was like she'd never
left (no re-friending or anything).
But no way would I start up a band again. Too much risk of
drama. Maybe meeting for drinks would be low key enough" but I
wouldn't be willing to get emotionally invested with either of
them.
BTW, she didn't "inexplicably" cut you out of her life. She
didn't like you telling her that her actions (having an affair)
were wrong. Instead of fixing her behavior, she cut you off.
#Post#: 575--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Hmmm Date: May 14, 2018, 4:37 pm
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I agree with Bada. If I was your DH, I wouldn't use FB
friendship status as a basis for whether I rekindled a IRL
relationship. Instead I think your DH should decide what he
wants:
1) Does he want to be in a band again? If yes, does he want to
be in one with the same people or new bandmembers?
2) Does he want to just be friends again with Bob? If yes, then
he should send Bob a message saying that right now he's not
ready to get back into a band but would like to start hanging
out with Bob again and how about meeting for a beer/coffee at X
place on Y night (give specifics). If Bob isn't receptive to
scheduling something, then I'd wait a couple of weeks and then
tell Bob he needs to come get his stuff by X date or it will be
donated to a school/church or whatever.
#Post#: 577--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: LadyX Date: May 14, 2018, 4:44 pm
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I wouldn't rule out Sue going into Bob's FB account and
unfriending you both. Perhaps she did not like the idea of DH
playing with them in a band.
#Post#: 624--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: HenrysMom Date: May 14, 2018, 9:05 pm
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[quote author=LadyX link=topic=98.msg577#msg577 date=1526334251]
I wouldn't rule out Sue going into Bob's FB account and
unfriending you both. Perhaps she did not like the idea of DH
playing with them in a band.
[/quote]
This. Sue didn’t like being called out on her (their) bad
behavior, so she probably did the unfriending. I’m surprised
she didn’t block you and your DH.
At this point, I agree with the above posters who say to tell
Bob in writing to come get his stuff by a certain date or it’s
going away. Give him 2-3 written warnings as it gets closer to
the date to CYA.
#Post#: 664--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Flibbertigibbet Date: May 15, 2018, 4:09 am
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I think Friends will also disappear from your friends list on FB
if the person deactivates their account, so that could explain
times when someone disappears and reappears from your friends
list and that it might not have anything to do with you
personally.
#Post#: 986--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Mr Wigglybones Date: May 16, 2018, 6:25 am
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I agree that it was probably Sue behind the unfriending and you
probably do not want to be involved in whatever nonsense they
have going on these days.
I would message Bob that he should pick up his stuff and give
him a timeframe for it.
#Post#: 1104--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Amsha Date: May 16, 2018, 12:22 pm
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I would tend to think that, should your DH try to re-kindle this
relationship with Bob, you are going to be in for a lot more
drama from Sue, who has already been guilty of behaving nastily
to you and your DH. I feel even more strongly that should your
DH try to re-start a band with Bob and Sue in it, that this
would be the case magnified. I would suggest that this is the
time to sever all ties, give Bob a clear out your possessions by
X-date, and then move on.
#Post#: 1110--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: SummerNightsRaceCarLights Date: May 16, 2018, 12:45 pm
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I agree with the others. The Facebook could be a glitch or it
could be Sue (especially since Bob is reaching out to rekindle
the friendship). I would consider how you feel about DH playing
in a band with Bob knowing that Sue is going to be around.
Could you be friends with her? Are you still friends with Bob's
ex-wife?
#Post#: 1482--------------------------------------------------
Re: Defriending On-Line, Pretending to Friend IRL
By: Jem Date: May 17, 2018, 1:30 pm
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[quote author=SummerNightsRaceCarLights
link=topic=98.msg1110#msg1110 date=1526492759]
I agree with the others. The Facebook could be a glitch or it
could be Sue (especially since Bob is reaching out to rekindle
the friendship). I would consider how you feel about DH playing
in a band with Bob knowing that Sue is going to be around.
Could you be friends with her? Are you still friends with Bob's
ex-wife?
[/quote]
I never was particularly close with Bob's wife, but we are the
same level of friendly we always were (we didn't and still don't
have much interaction, but when we do we like each other well
enough). My DH is closer with Bob's wife than I ever was. In DH
and Bob's mutual friends, I don't think anyone is supportive of
how Bob acted. Initially Bob's wife thought I had somehow set up
Bob and Sue (because I recommended Sue try out for the band),
but my reaction and disappointment in being lied to by Sue made
her realize I had no idea what was going on (let alone set it
up).
I don't think I could be friends with Sue again unless there was
some sort of apology/discussion about how Sue treated my DH and
me (as opposed to Bob's wife - I'm not getting involved there)
in this whole debacle. There were a couple instances where I
asked Sue if something was going on with Bob, and she lied to my
face. I don't like being lied to by "friends." I also am pretty
hurt by the way Sue lashed out at my DH and me when we were
trying to be good friends to Sue and to Bob. I mean, we all
understand relationships are difficult, divorce happens, and we
want people to ultimately be happy. My DH and I were trying to
express that there is a more hurtful and a less hurtful way for
Sue and Bob to go about their new relationship, and they were
choosing the most explosively hurtful way possible and were
likely to lose the friendship and respect of people who had been
in their lives for decades.
Anyway, no substantive updates on what DH will do regarding Bob.
DH has no interest in being in a band with either Sue or Bob
again, but I think he really misses his "friend." My concern is
that, from what I have seen in the 6ish years I have known DH
and Bob, Bob has not been a good friend to DH at all.
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