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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 24882--------------------------------------------------
Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Hanna
Date: January 29, 2019, 10:01 am
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For the record, I’m probably defensive but also have a strong
desire for accuracy.I had an conversation this morning that went
something like this:
Me: Do you like this draft of my save the date?
Other person: Yes, but I’m going to be candid here because I
have a concern
Me: Ok, absolutely!
OP: His name should come first, not yours. It’s just not done
that way.
Me: I looked it up and they are all done this way. Am I getting
it wrong?
OP: You can do it however you want, but it’s never been that
way.
Me: I actually let the designer word it.
OP: You don’t have to be defensive, do whatever you like. But
this is not the traditional way it’s done.
Ok, I’d like this to be done the traditional way, I’m not trying
to forge my own path. I’m only explaining because if If the info
I have it wrong, then dammit I want to correct it!
Is it defensive to say where you got the info? How can I handle
this better? Because I have been accused of being defensive when
I’m just trying to get to the bottom of things many many times.
And uh, am I losing my mind here or does the bride’s name come
first?
#Post#: 24884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Twik
Date: January 29, 2019, 10:05 am
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You are correct that the "traditional" way is to list the
bride's name first (because traditionally, it was her family
hosting the wedding).
#Post#: 24885--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: STiG
Date: January 29, 2019, 10:08 am
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Yes, the bride's name goes first. If the other person is close
to you, I'd just roll my eyes and ignore them from this point
forward. If they aren't close to you, I wouldn't bother
consulting them at all.
#Post#: 24889--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: January 29, 2019, 10:30 am
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HTML https://www.google.com/search?client=firefox-b-1&q=Save+the+Date+--+whose+name+comes+first%3F
First sentence in box: Traditionally the name of the bride
always precedes the groom's name.
#Post#: 24890--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Hanna
Date: January 29, 2019, 10:55 am
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The wording confusion is a momentary lapse of reason on the part
of the nice lady I was talking to, I’m sure. She’s normally
completely on top of etiquette things, which is why it was
important to me that we clear it up. Plus she’s my Mom.
But more important is, advice for not coming across as defensive
when I explain myself (whether I’m write or wrong.). Because
more than one person I respect has said this to me. Any other
INTPs out there?
#Post#: 24892--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Twik
Date: January 29, 2019, 11:16 am
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--- Quote from: Hanna link ---
>
> The wording confusion a momentary lapse of reason on the part
of the nice lady I was talking to, I’m sure. She’s normally
completely on top of etiquette things, which is why it was
important to me that we clear it up. Plus she’s my Mom.
>
> But more important is, advice for not coming across as
defensive when I explain myself (whether I’m write or wrong.).
Because more than one person I respect has said this to me. Any
other INTPs out there?
>
--- End Quote ---
(Scans state of messy desk) Ooooh, yeah.
#Post#: 24893--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: lowspark
Date: January 29, 2019, 11:19 am
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The wording, as it is written, does not come across as being
defensive. So if multiple people have accused you of being
defensive, I'm guessing it's your tone of voice.
#Post#: 24894--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: camlan
Date: January 29, 2019, 11:20 am
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--- Quote from: lowspark link ---
>
> The wording, as it is written, does not come across as being
defensive. So if multiple people have accused you of being
defensive, I'm guessing it's your tone of voice.
>
--- End Quote ---
Either that, or someone thinks any explanation is defensive. And
not just, you know, an explanation.
#Post#: 24896--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Twik
Date: January 29, 2019, 11:26 am
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--- Quote from: camlan link ---
>
> [quote author=lowspark link=topic=963.msg24893#msg24893
date=1548782353]
> The wording, as it is written, does not come across as being
defensive. So if multiple people have accused you of being
defensive, I'm guessing it's your tone of voice.
>
--- End Quote ---
Either that, or someone thinks any explanation is defensive. And
not just, you know, an explanation.
[/quote]
Yes. Accusations that the other person is being defensive is an
ultimate gambit in defensiveness.
#Post#: 24899--------------------------------------------------
Re: Explaining without being defensive
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: January 29, 2019, 11:53 am
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--- Quote from: Twik link ---
>
> [quote author=camlan link=topic=963.msg24894#msg24894
date=1548782413]
> [quote author=lowspark link=topic=963.msg24893#msg24893
date=1548782353]
> The wording, as it is written, does not come across as being
defensive. So if multiple people have accused you of being
defensive, I'm guessing it's your tone of voice.
>
--- End Quote ---
Either that, or someone thinks any explanation is defensive. And
not just, you know, an explanation.
[/quote]
Yes. Accusations that the other person is being defensive is an
ultimate gambit in defensiveness.
[/quote]
Yeah, tone can definitely matter a lot on these and can turn an
innocent explanation into defensiveness. But some people can
take any explanation as defensive. Since multiple people have
said you seem defensive, I think it's helpful to consider if you
might be coming across as defensive. Do you generally get along
well with your mother? Can you ask her at a later date what came
across as defensive to her? I was about to suggest the tactic of
using questions and that kind of thing to soften the tone but
then I went back to check what exactly you said and I see you
did use a question. It's hard to say. In addition to examining
whether you are sounding defensive, I think it's also worth
examining how the people who have accused you of being defensive
tend to act. Can they take criticism/correction? Do they accuse
lots of people of being defensive? Do they always accuse you of
being defensive? There's no guaranteed way to never come across
as defensive (other than I guess just accepting whatever someone
else says, but that sounds miserable) but if you're concerned
about it, it's worth thinking about.
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