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#Post#: 24872--------------------------------------------------
Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's wake
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: January 29, 2019, 8:47 am
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In today's Miss Manners, a woman wrote in that her father passed
suddenly. Her best friend of 20 years knew her parents well, but
let her know that she would not be able to attend the wake
because it fell on her 1st year anniversary. During the wake,
the friend sent the letter writer a text thanking her for
hosting her wedding in her home the previous year but did not
send any type of condolence message. LW confronted the friend
that it hurt her but friend said she should not need to put her
life on hold because of the LW's loss.
HTML https://www.uexpress.com/miss-manners/2019/1/29/ill-timed-text-leaves-grieving-daughter-nonplussed
Does anyone here understand the friend's point of view? I just
can't imagine anyone thinking it's a good idea to send a text
about your own life, even one of thanks, when a very close
friend is grieving.
#Post#: 24875--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: STiG
Date: January 29, 2019, 8:51 am
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1st year anniversary and she's just getting around to sending
the thank you now? By text, no less? And during the wake for
the parent of the thankee?
Yeah, tacky and thoughtless, IMO.
#Post#: 24877--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: wolfie
Date: January 29, 2019, 9:11 am
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--- Quote from: STiG link ---
>
> 1st year anniversary and she's just getting around to sending
the thank you now? By text, no less? And during the wake for
the parent of the thankee?
>
> Yeah, tacky and thoughtless, IMO.
>
--- End Quote ---
I don't think that was the thank you - it reads to me like an
additional thank you. I think if the OP's father hadn't died it
would have been a sweet acknowledgement on the first
anniversary. But since the OP's father did die it is tack
thoughtless and a horrible way to show you aren't really a
friend.
#Post#: 24878--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: January 29, 2019, 9:23 am
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Rude, selfish, and nasty. Nobody was asking her to put her life
on hold. How is it putting her life on hold to simply not text
about yourself on the day of the funeral?! If she can't express
condolences, at least keep silent about your own happy day
during one of the LW's saddest. Self involved much?
#Post#: 24879--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: sandisadie
Date: January 29, 2019, 9:48 am
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A person without empathy puts themselves first - always. Even
death of a relative or friend, or in this case, the passing of a
parent of a friend is all about them. That's how they look at
any situation. You can be a friend or even a spouse of such a
empathy deprived person but just understand that they are not
capable of actually feeling anything toward you except as it
pertains to them personally. I was married to such a person for
years and it took me 20 years to understand this. It's not that
they don't care about you - it's that they can't care about you
like any ordinary person can. My husband learned to mimic
actions and feelings of normal people in order to receive
favorable reactions in life situations. He was generally looked
at as a friendly, caring and generous individual by his fellow
workers, family members and friends. If it was advantageous to
him he would profess extreme sorrow for any transgression, such
as happened in this query, but he didn't actually care about how
his words or actions effected the other person. However, he
would remember what happened as it pertained to him and strive
to act more like the other person wanted him to the next time.
On the other hand, the text sender may just be totally tone
deaf, or has never encountered anyone who has suffered a death
in their family and is grieving.
#Post#: 24902--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: guest657
Date: January 29, 2019, 12:02 pm
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I could see a well-meaning but scattered or impulsive person
doing this by mistake. But then they would have been terribly
sorry about it and apologized sincerely.
The snotty reply indicates the sender is totally self-involved.
#Post#: 24918--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: January 29, 2019, 5:21 pm
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--- Quote from: Anon4Now link ---
>
> I could see a well-meaning but scattered or impulsive person
doing this by mistake. But then they would have been terribly
sorry about it and apologized sincerely.
>
> The snotty reply indicates the sender is totally
self-involved.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree w/ Anon4Now that the reaction is the key indicator here.
#Post#: 24938--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: Aleko
Date: January 30, 2019, 3:38 am
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Let's all bear in mind that we have only got one
highly-summarised side of the story.
I can easily imagine the original message as being intended,
perhaps clumsily, to convey "Even though I'm marking my
anniversary not your father's funeral, I want you to know I'm
still thinking of you and what a good friend you've always been
to me, as for example all you did for my wedding"; and I can
further imagine the sender being taken aback and hurt that her
friend didn't take it as intended but rebuked her for "not
acknowledging my family or our pain". Some people are so hung up
on wanting to hear The Conventional Magic Words, eg "I love
you", "Please", or "I'm sorry for your loss", that they fail to
register, or don't accept, that someone's entire message and
behaviour is intended to convey precisely that. (Like when
someone barks at you 'Say please!' after you asked 'could you
possibly be so kind as to...') It could be that LW is one of
those.
Also, as she says she remonstrated with her friend afterwards
"privately and in person", it's also perfectly possible that
that conversation went downhill and she openly voiced her anger
that her friend hadn't cancelled her anniversary to be at the
funeral, and that it was in response to that accusation, rather
than LW's finding her text inappropriate, that the friend said
she couldn't be expected to put her life on hold.
Granted that recently-bereaved people have some excuse for being
unreasonable and that one should try not to react when they are,
I think it's perfectly possible that the friend was indeed
goaded into that response by LW.
Edited to add -
Also: this is necessarily a very stripped-down account of the
incident, and yet LW adds the apparently gratuitous detail
'Knowing his preferences, we held a simple wake after his
cremation'. What has the simplicity of the wake to do with any
of this, and why feel a need to state that it was the father's
own preference? Is she hinting that she believes her friend
feels that a cremation followed by a simple wake wasn't an
'important' enough event to cancel her own party for, or worse
yet, that the friend thinks family were being cheap or uncaring?
Or did the friend say or imply that she had got the impression
from the modesty of the arrangements that the whole thing was
for family only and that even old friends weren't really wanted?
There are more angles to this than we know about, that's for
sure.
#Post#: 24948--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: January 30, 2019, 7:50 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> Let's all bear in mind that we have only got one
highly-summarised side of the story.
>
> I can easily imagine the original message as being intended,
perhaps clumsily, to convey "Even though I'm marking my
anniversary not your father's funeral, I want you to know I'm
still thinking of you and what a good friend you've always been
to me, as for example all you did for my wedding"; and I can
further imagine the sender being taken aback and hurt that her
friend didn't take it as intended but rebuked her for "not
acknowledging my family or our pain". Some people are so hung up
on wanting to hear The Conventional Magic Words, eg "I love
you", "Please", or "I'm sorry for your loss", that they fail to
register, or don't accept, that someone's entire message and
behaviour is intended to convey precisely that. (Like when
someone barks at you 'Say please!' after you asked 'could you
possibly be so kind as to...') It could be that LW is one of
those.
>
> Also, as she says she remonstrated with her friend afterwards
"privately and in person", it's also perfectly possible that
that conversation went downhill and she openly voiced her anger
that her friend hadn't cancelled her anniversary to be at the
funeral, and that it was in response to that accusation, rather
than LW's finding her text inappropriate, that the friend said
she couldn't be expected to put her life on hold.
>
> Granted that recently-bereaved people have some excuse for
being unreasonable and that one should try not to react when
they are, I think it's perfectly possible that the friend was
indeed goaded into that response by LW.
>
>
> Edited to add -
>
> Also: this is necessarily a very stripped-down account of the
incident, and yet LW adds the apparently gratuitous detail
'Knowing his preferences, we held a simple wake after his
cremation'. What has the simplicity of the wake to do with any
of this, and why feel a need to state that it was the father's
own preference? Is she hinting that she believes her friend
feels that a cremation followed by a simple wake wasn't an
'important' enough event to cancel her own party for, or worse
yet, that the friend thinks family were being cheap or uncaring?
Or did the friend say or imply that she had got the impression
from the modesty of the arrangements that the whole thing was
for family only and that even old friends weren't really wanted?
There are more angles to this than we know about, that's for
sure.
>
--- End Quote ---
I would still find that text inappropriate. Discussion of your
wedding or anniversary has no place in a condolence or "thinking
of you text" because what that is really saying is "I'm only
thinking of you as it relates to me." This isn't about her and
her friendship with the letter writer. As I have to constantly
remind one of my older sisters, not everything is about her. If
anything, the text should have been "Wanted you to know I'm
thinking of you and your mom today. I know how much your Dad
meant to you and what a great relationship you guys had. I'll
also cherish my memories of him. Let me know what I can do to
help you through this time."
Your version of the text is all about what the texter wants to
say and focus on and not thinking about what the receiver is
needing to hear.
As far as mentioning the small ceremony, to me that was included
to indicate this was a small gathering. So your best friend of
20 years, and one whom you let borrow your home for their
wedding a year earlier, choosing to not attend is noticeable. As
other's have said, it could have been a situation where deposits
would be lost so I can forgive the not going. But to send a text
focused on her wedding, her anniversary, and her friendship
without acknowledgement of the LW's grief is just wrong.
#Post#: 24950--------------------------------------------------
Re: Sending a self focused text to a friend during her father's
wake
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: January 30, 2019, 7:58 am
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The LW said she didn't acknowledge her family or their pain. So
I doubt there was any words like "thinking of you" in the text.
At least not in regards to the LW's father.
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