DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Family and Children
*****************************************************
#Post#: 24660--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Jem Date: January 25, 2019, 2:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=955.msg24654#msg24654
date=1548445085]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=955.msg24635#msg24635
date=1548438193]
^^^ Since the dad is only 60, I assume the step mom is around
that age also. Presumably they both work. Why on earth would the
stepmom throw a party she cannot afford? Why would the STEPMOM
ask her stepdaughters for money at all, and why if money is
asked for it isn’t the DAD doing the asking?
[/quote]
People have all sorts of financial situations--layoffs, sudden
unexpected expenses, etc.
It's not always tied to age or generational situation.
(though I don't love the idea of an older generation asking for
financial help from a younger generation member who is
struggling herself!)
(then again, I would ask for financial help only from someone I
felt close to--so if I didn't feel close enough to the other
siblings, I wouldn't ask them, and it might limit the places I
would turn to)
[/quote]
My point was less "why don't they have money" and more: 1) why
would the stepmom throw a party she cannot afford, and 2) why
would the STEPMOM ask for money from her husband's children
rather than the DAD if money is going to be asked for (in
connection with the non-party related requests for money).
#Post#: 24661--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lowspark Date: January 25, 2019, 2:34 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=955.msg24651#msg24651
date=1548444560]
The other option is to send your regrets and arrange for a
telegram or a floral arrangement to be delivered AT the mansion
DURING the event with good wishes. (if it's the evening, and
florists don't deliver then, try Task Rabbit or something) That
will demonstrate to the wider family that you aren't snubbing
your dad, which might head off some drama.
[/quote]
As a frequent party host, I would *hate* that. The host has a
lot of duties during a party, mingling with all your guests,
making sure everyone has a drink or food, etc. The last thing I
would want to do is answer the door to a delivery person where I
had to then thread my way through the guests, carrying a flower
arrangement, trying to figure out where to put it.
It would be nice to send one, if you decide not to attend and
feel like you want to do that, but I would make sure it arrives
well before the party begins. The day before, really, if
possible.
#Post#: 24662--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Sycorax Date: January 25, 2019, 2:40 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=955.msg24661#msg24661
date=1548448450]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=955.msg24651#msg24651
date=1548444560]
The other option is to send your regrets and arrange for a
telegram or a floral arrangement to be delivered AT the mansion
DURING the event with good wishes. (if it's the evening, and
florists don't deliver then, try Task Rabbit or something) That
will demonstrate to the wider family that you aren't snubbing
your dad, which might head off some drama.
[/quote]
As a frequent party host, I would *hate* that. The host has a
lot of duties during a party, mingling with all your guests,
making sure everyone has a drink or food, etc. The last thing I
would want to do is answer the door to a delivery person where I
had to then thread my way through the guests, carrying a flower
arrangement, trying to figure out where to put it.
It would be nice to send one, if you decide not to attend and
feel like you want to do that, but I would make sure it arrives
well before the party begins. The day before, really, if
possible.
[/quote]
This is at a venue (rented mansion), not a personal residence,
though. It's possible sending the flowers a day early would be
problematic.
#Post#: 24663--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Despedina Date: January 25, 2019, 2:45 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=955.msg24633#msg24633
date=1548436667]
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=955.msg24627#msg24627
date=1548433764]
... My sister also confirmed that none of them helped in the
planning and that the item my youngest sister paid for was
something stepmom had arranged herself. Youngest sister has
told me in the past that stepmom has asked her and my 3rd sister
to borrow money several times so I'm assuming stepmom asked her
to help. Undecided what to do with all that information right
now.
[/quote]
Wait. Am I interpreting that correctly? Your stepmother is
borrowing money from your sisters? ???
[/quote]
Yes, I only found out about this in September. It has happened
several times that dad and stepmom have asked for money. My 3rd
sister give dad $300 once then when she was asked another time
she got annoyed and said no. They then asked my grandparents for
money. I guess its a silver lining that we don't have a great
relationship so that I don't get asked for money!
#Post#: 24664--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Despedina Date: January 25, 2019, 2:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Another update, I asked my closest sister what expense our
younger sister is paying for since her phone cut out and she
told me little sis is paying for the mansion rental at $400.
Just wow. So I don't know what stepmom is paying for. Food I
guess? Decorations? Not sure. I think I've convinced myself
I'm going for a short time at this point. I am preparing my self
to be asked by someone to help with an expense. I mean I am
hosting it after all LOL.
#Post#: 24667--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: JeanFromBNA Date: January 25, 2019, 3:23 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Why don't you give him a birthday card with a check for the
amount you want to contribute? That way, you'll have given him a
present or a contribution if either comes up as a complaint. If
they try to bill you for something, then you can say that you
already paid.
#Post#: 24683--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: LifeOnPluto Date: January 25, 2019, 9:31 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
The "hosted by Stepmother and the Smith girls" is very odd,
given you haven't been involved in any of the planning or costs
(yet!). The cynic in me says that Stepmother wants to pretend to
their friends that you're all one big happy family. The more
charitable side of me thinks that because at least one of your
sisters is contributing towards the costs, Stepmother doesn't
want the rest of you to feel left out.
Anyway, I think if you don't go to this party, that'll probably
be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship with your
dad. So if you want to leave open the possibility of
reconciling, I think you're doing the right thing in putting in
an appearance.
I'd also give your dad a generic gift, like a nice bottle of
wine (if he drinks).
#Post#: 24717--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lakey Date: January 26, 2019, 5:30 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]Youngest sister has told me in the past that stepmom has
asked her and my 3rd sister to borrow money several times so I'm
assuming stepmom asked her to help.[/quote]
I believe in financial responsibility. People are entitled to do
what they please with their own money. However, I would be
bothered by someone who borrows money from others, then makes a
choice to throw an expensive birthday party where a venue needs
to be rented.
If stepmother wants to do this it is her business, but she
shouldn't be expecting daughters or stepdaughters, who have
their own financial issues, to contribute to something that is a
luxury, not a necessity.
No, I would not contribute anything toward it.
#Post#: 24722--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Tea Drinker Date: January 26, 2019, 8:03 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=955.msg24654#msg24654
date=1548445085]
[quote author=Jem link=topic=955.msg24635#msg24635
date=1548438193]
^^^ Since the dad is only 60, I assume the step mom is around
that age also. Presumably they both work. Why on earth would the
stepmom throw a party she cannot afford? Why would the STEPMOM
ask her stepdaughters for money at all, and why if money is
asked for it isn’t the DAD doing the asking?
[/quote]
People have all sorts of financial situations--layoffs, sudden
unexpected expenses, etc.
It's not always tied to age or generational situation.
(though I don't love the idea of an older generation asking for
financial help from a younger generation member who is
struggling herself!)
(then again, I would ask for financial help only from someone I
felt close to--so if I didn't feel close enough to the other
siblings, I wouldn't ask them, and it might limit the places I
would turn to)
[/quote]
For me the age is the least of it: I would hesitate to ask
anyone to help pay for something like a large birthday party
for an adult, and not just because the largest party birthday
I've had as an adult had seven or eight guests. I would also
hesitate to ask for financial help from someone I knew was
struggling unless I was in desperate straits (I don't know where
I'd draw the line if I needed money for something like
life-saving medical treatment). That doesn't mean I wouldn't ask
for help from someone who I was fairly sure had the money, just
as I think it would be reasonable for someone in need to ask me.
(I give some money to charity, which means that I have decided
that I will give up bits of luxury or at least indulgence to buy
things someone else needs.
#Post#: 24730--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Aleko Date: January 27, 2019, 4:25 am
---------------------------------------------------------
For me it isn't even a question of whether her stepdaughters are
in a position to pay. I just don't think anyone, ever, should
decide off their own bat to hold an expensive bash for a loved
one and only then hit up other family members to help them pay
for it.
Suppose she had got the stepsisters together as soon as she had
hatched the idea (or just group emailed them or whatever),
saying 'wouldn't it be nice to give Daddy a lavish surprise
party for his his 60th? There's this lovely mansion I've found,
it would cost $X, do you girls think that looks suitable and if
so would you be able to contribute to the cost?" even if they
weren't all well off it would have been legit at least to ask
that.
But people who book expensive venues, and only then try to
guilt people individually into ponying up for their choice of
fancy event, deserve to be left paying the whole bill
themselves.
*****************************************************
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page