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#Post#: 24602--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: guest657 Date: January 24, 2019, 5:47 pm
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[quote author=HenrysMom link=topic=955.msg24597#msg24597
date=1548366174]
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=955.msg24594#msg24594
date=1548362602]
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=955.msg24593#msg24593
date=1548361879]
I do want a closer relationship with my dad but I've tried to
get together with him (including his wife) several times and
each time I'm hurt by his cancellation. [/quote]
This is reason enough to go.
I always go by the policy that regardless of what others do, I
try to do the right thing. So even though he doesn't do the
right thing, i.e., canceling, not engaging at family events,
etc., he and his wife are now reaching out to you by inviting
you to this party. If you don't go, then it sends the message
that you are fine with not being close, and that the fact that
they don't consider you as a high priority goes both ways.
Now, at some point, you might decide that you've tried enough,
and that it's no longer worth it for you to keep trying. And
that's fine. If you're at that point, don't go.
But your statement, "I do want a closer relationship with my
dad" says (to me) that you're not at that point. So, I say, go.
[/quote]
I think that OP has shown them repeatedly that she wanted to be
closer to her father, and has repeatedly been kicked in the
teeth. After all that, why should OP further subject herself to
the trouble/expense of being an extra in her father and
stepmother’s “big show.” It’s not going to change a blessed
thing about the relationship.
OP, save your time, money, and effort for people who do
appreciate you.
[/quote]
The OP "should" do whatever will get her closer to what she
wants, and make her happy, as long as it in line with her
values. She said she wanted a better relationship with her dad.
I don't know what all the facts and circumstances are here. She
said she was estranged from her dad since he cheated "many"
years ago. If the ages of her kids are any indication, dad's
wedding was maybe 6+ years ago? (Assuming the child who was 10
at the time now has a boyfriend of long enough standing to be
included at family events).
Maybe Stepmom was the affair partner? Maybe not. Maybe the
original estrangement had been going on for years and years
before the wedding. In any event, it's well-nigh impossible to
cultivate a better relationship with one spouse and ignore the
other. So if OP wants a better relationship with Dad, that
includes a better relationship with Stepmom. (Or from another
point of view, cultivating a relationship with Stepmom is a way
to also get closer to Dad.) He's not going to flake out on his
own birthday party that his wife is hosting.
The longer an estrangement goes on, the messier and more
complicated it gets. People behave badly. People want to avoid
dealing with it and focus on their own lives. Everybody gets
more and more hurt, and the actual reasons for it get less and
less clear.
Stepmom didn't even remember why OP wasn't at the wedding, and
actually apologized for not inviting her! So whether Stepmom
didn't get the correct story at the time, or didn't remember it
correctly, in Stepmom's mind the OP missing the wedding was
connected to the estrangement from Dad in some way. And she was
sorry about it and wanted OP to know that.
These things don't magically get better on their own. They take
work, and patience, and intentionality, and compromise, and
empathy, and forgiveness, and acceptance of people's
limitations. OP is not obligated to undertake that work. She's
perfectly at liberty to wash her hands of it.
OP said she doesn't want to be the one constantly making
overtures and getting rejected. But it looks like Stepmom has
now made two overtures (the apology, and the invitation).
If the relationships are going to mend at all, somebody has to
say "yes." It may not be "fair," but fair is just a weather
forecast. It's an opportunity for OP to say "yes" to what she
wants.
#Post#: 24627--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Despedina Date: January 25, 2019, 10:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Just a small update. I called my closest sister last night, and
lamented that I was not sure what to do. She wasn't very much
help in saying that I should do what I want.
She then said something about contributing money and that "the
text" was only a suggestion. I had no idea what she was talking
about. She said stepmom was paying for the house and that my
youngest sister paid for (unknown because her phone reception
was bad) and that youngest sister texted us all asking if we
wanted to contribute to this expense. I never got this text and
I told her so. She laughed and said "Well I guess you don't
have to pay anything!". So now I feel bad. My youngest sister
is not in the best of financial circumstances. She her husband
and 2 small kids are living with her MIL due to this situation
whatever it is. On one hand I feel I should help but on the
other hand she downplays her financial situation and has taken 2
major vacations in the last 4 mos so I feel if she wants to
throw her money away that is her decision.
I did speak to my mom later after that and she encouraged me to
go and maybe just go with one of my sisters. So I'm still
considering. it.
My sister also confirmed that none of them helped in the
planning and that the item my youngest sister paid for was
something stepmom had arranged herself. Youngest sister has
told me in the past that stepmom has asked her and my 3rd sister
to borrow money several times so I'm assuming stepmom asked her
to help. Undecided what to do with all that information right
now.
#Post#: 24628--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lowspark Date: January 25, 2019, 10:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=HenrysMom link=topic=955.msg24597#msg24597
date=1548366174]
[quote author=lowspark link=topic=955.msg24594#msg24594
date=1548362602]
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=955.msg24593#msg24593
date=1548361879]
I do want a closer relationship with my dad but I've tried to
get together with him (including his wife) several times and
each time I'm hurt by his cancellation. [/quote]
This is reason enough to go.
I always go by the policy that regardless of what others do, I
try to do the right thing. So even though he doesn't do the
right thing, i.e., canceling, not engaging at family events,
etc., he and his wife are now reaching out to you by inviting
you to this party. If you don't go, then it sends the message
that you are fine with not being close, and that the fact that
they don't consider you as a high priority goes both ways.
Now, at some point, you might decide that you've tried enough,
and that it's no longer worth it for you to keep trying. And
that's fine. If you're at that point, don't go.
But your statement, "I do want a closer relationship with my
dad" says (to me) that you're not at that point. So, I say, go.
[/quote]
I think that OP has shown them repeatedly that she wanted to be
closer to her father, and has repeatedly been kicked in the
teeth. After all that, why should OP further subject herself to
the trouble/expense of being an extra in her father and
stepmother’s “big show.” It’s not going to change a blessed
thing about the relationship.
OP, save your time, money, and effort for people who do
appreciate you.
[/quote]
Right. And if the OP was NOT saying, "but I (still) do want a
closer relationship with my dad" then I would totally agree that
she should not go.
But in fact, what she is saying is that despite the fact that
she's tried and been rebuffed, she still has a wish for that
relationship. And, that being the case, she should go ahead and
go.
As long as she continues to want to try to rekindle the
relationship, she might want to go ahead and make that effort.
At some point, either Dad is going to finally start doing the
things that OP needs in order to repair the rift, or OP will
have had enough and decide that she no longer wants to try. Or,
she'll continue in the mode she is in now.
I think the OP's conflict lies right there. She is possibly
having trouble deciding if it's worth it to keep trying. If it
is, in her mind, then I think going to the party is the right
thing.
And to clarify, her going to the party may not change anything.
But her not going to the party will only widen the distance
(IMO).
#Post#: 24629--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lowspark Date: January 25, 2019, 10:49 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=955.msg24627#msg24627
date=1548433764]
Just a small update. I called my closest sister last night, and
lamented that I was not sure what to do. She wasn't very much
help in saying that I should do what I want.
She then said something about contributing money and that "the
text" was only a suggestion. I had no idea what she was talking
about. She said stepmom was paying for the house and that my
youngest sister paid for (unknown because her phone reception
was bad) and that youngest sister texted us all asking if we
wanted to contribute to this expense. I never got this text and
I told her so. She laughed and said "Well I guess you don't
have to pay anything!". So now I feel bad. My youngest sister
is not in the best of financial circumstances. She her husband
and 2 small kids are living with her MIL due to this situation
whatever it is. On one hand I feel I should help but on the
other hand she downplays her financial situation and has taken 2
major vacations in the last 4 mos so I feel if she wants to
throw her money away that is her decision.
I did speak to my mom later after that and she encouraged me to
go and maybe just go with one of my sisters. So I'm still
considering. it.
My sister also confirmed that none of them helped in the
planning and that the item my youngest sister paid for was
something stepmom had arranged herself. Youngest sister has
told me in the past that stepmom has asked her and my 3rd sister
to borrow money several times so I'm assuming stepmom asked her
to help. Undecided what to do with all that information right
now.
[/quote]
I wouldn't pay. I would never pay for something I didn't agree
to in advance, something I had no say in how the money would be
spent.
I know people who say they have no money due to (whatever)
circumstances and that they are on a budget. And then yeah, the
next thing you know, they're going on a vacation somewhere
overseas.
OK, I don't care how someone spends their money. We all set our
own priorities. But then don't act like you don't have money.
It's not that you don't have it, it's that you chose to spend it
in a certain way. We all make those decisions.
#Post#: 24631--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: January 25, 2019, 11:04 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I wouldn't pay for anything. Since you never received the text,
and your sister volunteered herself, you are free and clear. I
would not go with your sister, drive yourself, and that way, if
you need to leave, you can say your goodbyes and leave, and not
have to worry about having to stay because your sister doesn't
want to leave when you do.
#Post#: 24633--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: gramma dishes Date: January 25, 2019, 11:17 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Despedina link=topic=955.msg24627#msg24627
date=1548433764]
... My sister also confirmed that none of them helped in the
planning and that the item my youngest sister paid for was
something stepmom had arranged herself. Youngest sister has
told me in the past that stepmom has asked her and my 3rd sister
to borrow money several times so I'm assuming stepmom asked her
to help. Undecided what to do with all that information right
now.
[/quote]
Wait. Am I interpreting that correctly? Your stepmother is
borrowing money from your sisters? ???
#Post#: 24635--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Jem Date: January 25, 2019, 11:43 am
---------------------------------------------------------
^^^ Since the dad is only 60, I assume the step mom is around
that age also. Presumably they both work. Why on earth would the
stepmom throw a party she cannot afford? Why would the STEPMOM
ask her stepdaughters for money at all, and why if money is
asked for it isn’t the DAD doing the asking?
#Post#: 24641--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Rose Red Date: January 25, 2019, 12:05 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
If you want to go, go. But don't go with your sister. Take your
own car so you can [s]escape[/s] leave if you have to.
Don't feel bad for your sisters giving money. I assume she's an
adult who can make her own decisions. I understand family guilt,
but they are still adults and while you can give them advice,
it's still their decision in the end.
#Post#: 24651--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: TootsNYC Date: January 25, 2019, 1:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=955.msg24589#msg24589
date=1548360673]
I would decide based on your relationship with your sisters and
the rest of the family. Would you enjoy visiting with them
during the party? If so, go and have a good time and treat your
father like the distant relative that he has become. Don't act
like one of the hostesses but just as another guest. If someone
compliments the party to you, respond that she, they did a nice
job planning. Make it clear you take no credit for the party.
Great your father and step mother as you would an uncle you see
once a year.
However, if you have no interest in visiting with the rest of
the family, send your regrets.
[/quote]
This might be my suggestion.
I get invited to parties like the ones that are bolded above.
I'm invited because I fit the family-tree bracket, but we're not
close in the least.
Of course, this IS your father, and so having your nose rubbed
in the idea of a distant relationship with him is hurtful. But
if you can come to terms with that, and EMBRACE the idea of
"we're not close," this might be a way to see the cousins, etc.,
and keep the family drama low.
The other option is to send your regrets and arrange for a
telegram or a floral arrangement to be delivered AT the mansion
DURING the event with good wishes. (if it's the evening, and
florists don't deliver then, try Task Rabbit or something) That
will demonstrate to the wider family that you aren't snubbing
your dad, which might head off some drama.
#Post#: 24654--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: TootsNYC Date: January 25, 2019, 1:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=955.msg24635#msg24635
date=1548438193]
^^^ Since the dad is only 60, I assume the step mom is around
that age also. Presumably they both work. Why on earth would the
stepmom throw a party she cannot afford? Why would the STEPMOM
ask her stepdaughters for money at all, and why if money is
asked for it isn’t the DAD doing the asking?
[/quote]
People have all sorts of financial situations--layoffs, sudden
unexpected expenses, etc.
It's not always tied to age or generational situation.
(though I don't love the idea of an older generation asking for
financial help from a younger generation member who is
struggling herself!)
(then again, I would ask for financial help only from someone I
felt close to--so if I didn't feel close enough to the other
siblings, I wouldn't ask them, and it might limit the places I
would turn to)
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