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#Post#: 24573--------------------------------------------------
How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Despedina Date: January 24, 2019, 11:08 am
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I need help trying to figure out if I should go to my father's
bday party on 2/9.
To make it short, dad and I have not had a good relationship
since he cheated on my mom many years ago. I've forgiven him
since then but when I tried to spend time with him in years
after he always flaked out on me last minute. He remarried and I
could not attend due to a high risk advanced pregnancy and he
and his wife were angry at me for that also. A couple of years
ago I found out that they will have get togethers and invite all
3 of my sisters and other relatives and not me. One of my
sisters was told by his wife its because we are not close. I'm
always polite to both of them when we are at other get togethers
at the same time. One of my sisters had Christmas at her house
and my dad made no effort to communicate with me even when
sitting at the next table. I tried to speak to him to introduce
my daughter's BF to him and he just said "oh hi" and that was
it.
So fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. I got a save the date
notification in Facebook about his surprise party. Many
relatives and friends are invited and are going. They are
renting a "mansion" in the city. I received a paper invitation
in the mail with his wife's number for RSVP. The invitation
said it was being hosted by Wife and "The Smith Girls" (meaning
me and my sisters). Weird. (I'm also wondering if I will be
presented with a bill for my part of the house rental and
catering due to this lol).
I have not yet decided what to do. We have no relationship. My
husband says we should not go. I'm afraid it will cause more
drama if I don't go than if I do and I should just pretend
everything is great. I know I will not have a good time at all
and it will be super awkward for me.
Thoughts?
#Post#: 24576--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: VorFemme Date: January 24, 2019, 11:20 am
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This is one time when it is just too bad that you don't already
have plans and a reservation for something else around the same
time that will prevent you from attending...and possibly from
coughing up "your share" if you're billed, because you'd already
spent the money on flights to Hawaii, a cruise, a trip to a
major theme park (Disney or Universal come to mind), or
something else.
That saying from the previous website of "when you plan without
us (being in on the planning), then you plan without us (being
able to attend)" - the parts in parenthesis added to make it a
tiny bit clearer to those reading in translation or just without
having read the previous threads by a long term eHellion. I
think that they are still here - but their name escapes me...
If you can't decide whether or not to go, call heads & you go
and toss a coin, you'll figure out which you really want to do
if you find yourself hoping that it turns up tails. Just be
willing to accept that not going to that birthday party will
probably make a bad situation worse, since you've already (from
their POV) skipped their wedding...
#Post#: 24577--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Jem Date: January 24, 2019, 11:43 am
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OP, are you in contact with your sisters? If yes, how strange
that they have not discussed this with you.
I would talk with your sisters. Assuming they have been
discussing this all along, surely they know the OP has not been
consulted or involved.
#Post#: 24578--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: SideEye Date: January 24, 2019, 11:47 am
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Is the "mansion" close enough that you could make an appearance?
Pop in, say happy birthday, hello to other guests and then
leave?
#Post#: 24579--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lisastitch Date: January 24, 2019, 12:03 pm
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Would you like to have more of a relationship? If so, you may
need to go. While an invitation is not a summons, choosing not
to go will feel like a rejection to them, and they already feel
as if you're rejecting them. (With good cause, I'd say, but
they won't see it like that)
How close are you to your sisters? I find it interesting that
they seem to have a relationship with your dad when you don't.
Does your lack of relationship with him have an affect on your
relationship with them? Would you like to have a closer
relationship with them? At some point, your dad will
(presumably) be gone, but they'll still be around.
In short, you don't have to do, but it will have a negative
impact on your family relationships, and (I would say) you need
to take that into account when making your decision.
Good luck--it's not easy negotiating these minefields!
#Post#: 24582--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: guest657 Date: January 24, 2019, 12:18 pm
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I think the main thing is, you have to decide what you want. I
hear a lot of (perfectly understandable) ambivalence.
On the one hand, your relationship is tense and you don't
anticipate the party being much fun. On the other hand, you are
hurt that you have been excluded from other events and that you
don't get much opportunity to talk to your dad, or interest and
engagement from him.
You mentioned that your stepmother said y'all aren't close. But
it's true - you aren't! That's not entirely your choice. It's
unreasonable of them to hold your health situation against you.
But since your relationship with your dad had been shaky for a
while, they may have thought that was just an excuse.
Do you want to be closer? You're being included. So if more
closeness is what you want, here is an opportunity to pursue it.
I understand your concerns about the expense. If you do want to
go, you could take the opportunity to reach out to your stepmom,
thank her for including you, and clarify the hosting
arrangements. You could say something like, it was a really nice
surprise to get the invitation, you'd like to come. But because
you didn't know about it, you're not sure if you're expected to
be part of hosting it.
If she says she does expect you to chip in, then it's totally
reasonable to say you weren't prepared for the expense, ask for
a specific amount, and say you'll have to discuss it with your
spouse. (This is just to buy time and get off the phone without
being confrontational.)
Then you can send her a note and say, "I'm sorry, we weren't
prepared for this expense and unfortunately it's not in our
budget. I do appreciate being invited, and I would still like to
attend and wish my dad a happy birthday."
Of course, if you're fine with the current state of things, or
don't feel like this is the right occasion to pursue closeness,
that's fine too! Just decline politely.
But do be prepared that this will reinforce their (possibly
accurate?) impression that you don't want a relationship. And
they are unlikely to invite you for other things in the future.
So if you decline but want more closeness, the onus will be on
you to initiate it.
It's perfectly okay to not want a closer relationship with them.
I just mentioned it because it was hard to tell from your post.
#Post#: 24584--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: January 24, 2019, 1:17 pm
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[quote author=SideEye link=topic=955.msg24578#msg24578
date=1548352030]
Is the "mansion" close enough that you could make an appearance?
Pop in, say happy birthday, hello to other guests and then
leave?
[/quote]
This is what I was thinking as well. As to being "billed" later,
tell them since you weren't involved in the planning, you are
not involved in the paying.
#Post#: 24585--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: lakey Date: January 24, 2019, 1:19 pm
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I agree with Anon4Now, except for the part about bringing up
hosting and the expense. I wouldn't bring it up. OP was not
asked about hosting, she was not asked for input, and she knew
nothing about the plans except for a STD and paper invitation.
Her inclusion in the hosting as one of "The Smith Girls" may
have just been a formality. I doubt if the stepmother would have
the brass to ask for OP to pay toward the party. If she does I
would say, "but I didn't arrange this party, have a nice day, "
and leave it at that.
If OP brings up hosting and expenses, it just gives SMIL an
opening to expect something from her.
#Post#: 24586--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: Rose Red Date: January 24, 2019, 1:37 pm
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Given their past anger and snubbing you, I wouldn't go.
You're right to be suspicious of this invitation in a mansion(!)
Since they didn't invite you to past gatherings, why were you
invited to this one? If it's not to stick you with part of the
bill, then it may be a show for their friends. My thought is
that if they want reach out to start fresh, usually people start
small. Inviting you to this big party just doesn't smell right
to me. Of course this is just my opinion based on just a few
facts. You know them and should decide what's best for you.
#Post#: 24587--------------------------------------------------
Re: How or whether to decline dad's 60th surprise birthday.
By: guest657 Date: January 24, 2019, 1:40 pm
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[quote author=lakey link=topic=955.msg24585#msg24585
date=1548357589]
I agree with Anon4Now, except for the part about bringing up
hosting and the expense. I wouldn't bring it up. OP was not
asked about hosting, she was not asked for input, and she knew
nothing about the plans except for a STD and paper invitation.
Her inclusion in the hosting as one of "The Smith Girls" may
have just been a formality. I doubt if the stepmother would have
the brass to ask for OP to pay toward the party. If she does I
would say, "but I didn't arrange this party, have a nice day, "
and leave it at that.
If OP brings up hosting and expenses, it just gives SMIL an
opening to expect something from her.
[/quote]
That's a fair point. And indeed, it would be assuming the best
about Stepmom - of course there's no reasonable expectation.
But if I'm personally concerned about something, or it seems
odd/off-putting, that makes me feel tense and awkward. I find it
easier to clear things up so I can relax.
There's no One Right Way to handle a fraught situation, a lot
depends on your personality and what feels right to you under
the circumstances.
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