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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 23617--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: Winterlight
Date: January 9, 2019, 11:34 am
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If you do decide to go, I would explain the situation to the
bride. If she's a reasonable person she'll understand and be
grateful for your consideration.
--- Quote from: camlan link ---
>
> However, I also think you can push back a bit on your
husband's wish to have your sons attend the reception. Can you
sit down with him and really discuss the issue and find out why
he wants them there? Is he going to help you with them during
the reception? Will they enjoy any part of the day? Would it
make any sense to bring one of them and leave the other at home
if you have an appropriate caregiver for him?
>
> While I do not believe that people with disabilities should
stay home all the time, I also feel that people shouldn't be
forced into doing something that they won't like or will make
them uncomfortable. How the boys will react to being there
should, IMO, be a major factor in the decision.
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree. Are you going to have to wrangle the kids solo? Will
they actually enjoy going once they're there, or will they
become distressed? Can you come on your own and leave them at
home?
#Post#: 23618--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: Tea Drinker
Date: January 9, 2019, 11:55 am
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What do the bride and groom think? It's their wedding, not your
husband's. If he's family, so are you (by marriage) and so are
your sons.
Options here include you all staying home, you and your sons
going only to the reception, you getting someone else to watch
your sons so you can attend the ceremony, or you skipping the
ceremony and then your husband watching/caring for your sons so
that you can enjoy the reception.
Right now it sounds as though you're thinking about what your
husband wants, what your sons need and want, and what etiquette
calls for. Do you want to attend the ceremony but not the
reception, or would you rather attend both, or neither, with or
without your kids? [We, a bunch of Internet strangers, don't
need to know this, but it's worth your thinking about.]
#Post#: 23624--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: January 9, 2019, 2:00 pm
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--- Quote from: Tea Drinker link ---
>
> ...
> Options here include you all staying home ...
>
>
--- End Quote ---
She says her husband is the officiant, so it would probably work
out best if he at least shows up for the wedding ceremony
itself. ;)
#Post#: 23641--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: jpcher
Date: January 9, 2019, 4:18 pm
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--- Quote from: camlan link ---
>
> However, I also think you can push back a bit on your
husband's wish to have your sons attend the reception. Can you
sit down with him and really discuss the issue and find out
[b]why he wants them there?[/b]
>
--- End Quote ---
I agree with this.
Internet supposition here . . . maybe, since it's a family
affair, hubby wants all of his family there, including your
sons. Which is a perfectly acceptable/understandable reason. How
much interaction with other family members have your sons had?
--- Quote from: Tea Drinker link ---
>
> What do the bride and groom think? It's their wedding, not
your husband's. If he's family, so are you (by marriage) and so
are your sons.
>
--- End Quote ---
This is another good point. Are you close enough to the bride to
ask her what her opinion is?
In the end, I think you should do whatever feels right for you.
If you're dreading attending the reception, then don't go. It
won't be fun for you if you're sitting on the edge of your seat
waiting for something awkward to happen.
If it's very important to your DH to have the boys there, then
go (and! expect help from your DH if the boys get out-of-sorts).
P.S. I don't have any experience with autistic children so I
don't have a clue as to where you're coming from. But you know
you. You know your children. You've been there, done that. Do
what's right for you.
#Post#: 23647--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: MiriamCatriona
Date: January 9, 2019, 5:39 pm
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It's okay to go to just the reception if you think that's what
would be best. But some ideas for you to consider:
-take two cars so your husband can arrive sooner and you and the
boys can leave early if you need to
-sit in the back row at the ceremony and be ready to quickly
take your son(s) out if needed
-write (or find online) a social story to prepare them ahead of
time
-watch YouTube videos of wedding ceremonies and receptions
(similar in venue/formality to the one you'll be attending)
-give your sons a way to quietly communicate to you if they need
to leave (a "break" card in their pocket, a gesture or sign)
-bring ear foams, fidget items, or other familiar, calming tools
-upon arrival at the reception, look for and identify to your
boys a quiet side room or foyer you can use to take breaks as
needed
-think about ways to keep them busy at the reception if mingling
and dancing is too much - a small Lego set, an activity book, a
camera (and scavenger hunt to go with it?)
-just generally be ready to make a quick exit, but without
apology (your boys are invited guests, after all!)
#Post#: 23696--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: iggy257
Date: January 10, 2019, 11:46 am
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To answer some questions.
Husband will absolutely help with the kids, although, he has a
tendency to ignore them and me a bit, when he is around family,
as he is trying to socialize with people he doesn't see much. I
personally think he will have a better time without us there. I
had to shout at Christmas time once when I needed his help and
he was conversing with other people.
The place the wedding will be taking place is about 20-30
minutes from our house and 5 minutes from my higher need child's
school, as the wedding is happening mid week in September, they
will be both have school that day. It is expected that my
husband will have to be there early as the officiant and I will
come later with the younger boys, my oldest is in college and
will be expected to come on his own as he is coming from the
opposite direction. So our family will have three cars at the
wedding venue. I am familiar with the area so know where fun
places are to escape to. Also due to the date, there will most
likely be no other events that day and so we will have lots of
places that we can walk around.
The bride will not have a lot of her mother's family present.
My husband is the oldest of four and chances are he is the only
uncle who will attend as they other two live far away and often
do not have the resources to travel.
We do not have caregivers for him that he can easily be left
with for something like this. We could leave him with my
parents, but they are about 3 hours away by car and he doesn't
like missing school. Additionally the wedding is the day before
his birthday, and he will be expecting certain treats at school
on his birthday. Also my mother doesn't drive and my father
still works, so I would have to do 2 six hour round trips in two
days. We have had to accept in our life that either we have to
take them or have only one of us go or miss it all together or
absurd arrangement to leave them. When my brother had a
destination wedding a few years ago, I went without my husband.
I would love to go, however, I realize that it may not be
possible and I will have to miss it. Additionally, I am working
on becoming a BCBA, so I have all the strategies to keep him in
line, but he still does some things that people may find odd and
are very difficult to contain in a novel environment. For
example, he likes music, but will as to skip a song if he
doesn't like it, and instead of dancing he will pace back and
forth stopping to dance for a moment or two on the ends. This
would probably be fine during some portions of the reception,
but not asking to change the song while the bride and groom are
having their first dance.
I also think that there will be conflict in his family whether
or not we attend, and the bride's mother is the person in his
family which my husband has the best relationship. If we miss,
they will be upset, but if we attend and something happens, they
will be upset. It feels like a rock and a hard place and we had
a lot of conflict over my brother's wedding when deciding what
to do.
Thanks for everyone's input.
iggy
#Post#: 23701--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: STiG
Date: January 10, 2019, 1:03 pm
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Based on your answers, were I in the same situation, I would:
skip the ceremony, attend the reception once the boys are done
school, have your older son primed to be the go-between to your
husband and bail, should it become necessary, getting your older
son to let your husband know so you don't do a song and dance,
trying to get his attention.
I'm glad there are spaces where you can go to let the boys burn
off energy and/or calm down. Good luck!
#Post#: 23703--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: JeanFromBNA
Date: January 10, 2019, 1:21 pm
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If you're certain that they will be upset if something happens
at the ceremony, then I would take the lesser of two evils and
stay home. At least one of you will be happy.
#Post#: 23712--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: January 10, 2019, 2:26 pm
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Since you really want to go and it's only a 20-30 min drive
home, go. Ask your SIL for a general idea of the schedule for
the reception and let her know that you and the boys will stop
by for an hour when you think it will have the least chance of
being disruptive. I'm sure she will appreciate the effort you
are making to attend but also be aware of not having and issue
occur.
#Post#: 23731--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
DIR By: MiriamCatriona
Date: January 10, 2019, 5:57 pm
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Would your younger son get any sort of enjoyment out of the
event, or would it just be stressful for him?
If you and the younger one don't go, could the older boy still
attend with his dad (if he wanted to)?
Also... remember that "an invitation is not a summons." It's
okay to decline if that's simpler and works better for you and
your children.
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