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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 23590--------------------------------------------------
Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: iggy257 Date: January 8, 2019, 8:19 pm
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So simply my question is this: Can you go to the reception and
not the ceremony?
Some background for you. The wedding will be during the week at
the end of September. The ceremony and reception will be held
at a country club sort of place, with the wedding outside and
the reception inside. My husband is the officiant, however,
this will be his first wedding and the bride is family. I have
two teenagers with Autism. One will be fine with me sitting
next to him, reminding him to be quiet. The other may or may
not be ok and is prone to things like shouting that he doesn't
want to stay somewhere when he is not allowed to leave. My
husband says he will be very nervous performing his first
wedding in front of his whole family and doesn't want to have to
worry about what the second child may do during the ceremony.
So he has asked that the three of us not attend the ceremony and
just come for the reception. I have been told that this is
rude. Additionally, I am unsure how the kids will do at the
reception as they are not great at waiting for food, around loud
noises, and several other issues. l am thinking that I should
not attend at all with the kids, but husband wants us not
present for the ceremony, but present for the reception. The
kids do not really have a close relationship with the bride due
to their age difference from the bride and their disability.
What do people think?
Thanks for your input.
iggy
#Post#: 23596--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: LurkingGurl Date: January 8, 2019, 9:35 pm
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Who told you it was rude?
I think you should go ahead and do as your husband has
suggested. Given your circumstances, it sounds like a good
compromise, if you are also ok with it. No one else should be
telling you it's rude.
#Post#: 23597--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: Luci Date: January 8, 2019, 9:51 pm
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I think in most cases getting the children out among people is
better than isolating them. Go to the reception and leave early
if you feel you need to.
#Post#: 23599--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: NFPwife Date: January 8, 2019, 10:50 pm
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I'm surprised someone said it was rude to go to the reception
and not the ceremony. That can be pretty common here
(Mid-Atlantic USA). Even without your extenuating circumstances,
it's not rude.
Feel free to attend just the ceremony, and, if at any point,
your boys feel overwhelmed, just slip out of the reception.
#Post#: 23602--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: Aleko Date: January 9, 2019, 2:05 am
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I honestly can't see any problem with it. You have a very good
reason not to attend the ceremony with your children: namely,
that there is a strong likelihood that it would cause
disturbance and distress to the children, the bridal couple and
the entire congregation if you did. (And there are plenty of
imaginable legit reasons imaginable for a person to attend the
reception but not the ceremony - for example, if their religion
forbade them to enter another religion's place of worship and
take part in its ceremonies.)
I suspect the people who said it would be 'rude' are thinking of
the kind of freeloaders who want to turn up in time to fill
their faces and doggy bags at a lavish reception but aren't
interested enough in the couple to sit through their actual
ceremony. But that isn't the case with you, and everybody will
understand that it isn't, so you can simply ignore that opinion.
#Post#: 23604--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: oogyda Date: January 9, 2019, 6:08 am
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It most definitely is rude to skip the ceremony and attend the
reception. UNLESS THERE ARE EXTENUATING CIRCUMSTANCES. You
have extenuating circumstances, so it's not rude for you to do
it in this instance.
#Post#: 23605--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: STiG Date: January 9, 2019, 6:09 am
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I agree; you're fine to do as your husband suggested.
What I would do, for your kids' comfort, is to ask the venue if
it would be possible to have a quiet room to bring the kids to
if they need to reduce their stimulation and bring games, toys,
whatever they need to help with that. So you can slip out with
them, get them settled and come back to enjoy the reception. If
they're OK being on their own, of course.
#Post#: 23608--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: camlan Date: January 9, 2019, 9:39 am
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Traditionally, it has been considered rude to attend the
reception and not the ceremony, because of the freeloading
aspect that Aleko mentions. But you do have extenuating
circumstances!
However, I also think you can push back a bit on your husband's
wish to have your sons attend the reception. Can you sit down
with him and really discuss the issue and find out why he wants
them there? Is he going to help you with them during the
reception? Will they enjoy any part of the day? Would it make
any sense to bring one of them and leave the other at home if
you have an appropriate caregiver for him?
While I do not believe that people with disabilities should stay
home all the time, I also feel that people shouldn't be forced
into doing something that they won't like or will make them
uncomfortable. How the boys will react to being there should,
IMO, be a major factor in the decision.
#Post#: 23609--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: Hmmm Date: January 9, 2019, 9:45 am
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I agree that it is not rude. There are often circumstances that
prevent someone from attending the ceremony.
#Post#: 23615--------------------------------------------------
Re: Can you go just to the reception and not the ceremony?
By: gramma dishes Date: January 9, 2019, 10:42 am
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Honestly in your case I think it would be far more rude to
attend the ceremony knowing full well that at least one of your
children might have problems conforming to 'acceptable' behavior
there. If your child(ren) are not able to control themselves
during the ceremony it will be a distraction to the bride and
groom and their respective families and all the other friends in
attendance -- in addition to making your husband nervous.
For goodness sakes, feel totally free to skip the ceremony.
"Normal" rules of etiquette simply do not apply to your
circumstances!
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