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#Post#: 22808--------------------------------------------------
Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than family?
By: LifeOnPluto Date: December 31, 2018, 11:33 pm
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This is all "after the fact", as I didn't get a chance to post
it before Christmas, but I'm curious to see what you think of
it.
My co-worker "John" has an 18 year old daughter ("Jessica").
Jessica still lives at home, and has just finished her first
year of university. She also has a boyfriend who she met at uni
- her first serious relationship. Jessica does not contribute to
the mortgage or household bills, but does some chores and pays
for her own stuff like phone, petrol, textbooks, etc.
For reasons I won't go into, John, his wife and kids (Jessica
and her younger brother) do not visit with relatives on
Christmas Day. Instead, their celebrations are fairly intimate
and low key. Church in the morning, then home to exchange gifts.
Lunch is cold roast meats and salad, followed by trifle. In the
afternoon they watch a movie together or play a board game. Then
in the evening they might go for a walk around the neighbourhood
to see the Christmas lights.
However, a few weeks before Christmas 2018, Jessica announced
her intention to spend Christmas Day with her friends from uni
and her boyfriend - they all had plans to rent a holiday house
by the beach and spend a week or so there. (Note, it's summer in
Australia now, so definitely beach weather!).
John was pretty upset and hurt over this. To be clear, he had no
objection to Jessica spending time at the beach with her
friends, but felt she should do this either before or after
Christmas - and that Christmas Day should be reserved for
family. He asked what everyone thought.
The office was fairly divided over this. Some co-workers sided
with John, and thought that Jessica was being rather rude and
ungrateful to ditch her family on Christmas Day to hang with her
mates and boyfriend of less than a year. One or two people even
suggested that as Jessica is still largely dependent on her
parents, she needs to basically do as she's told, and spend
Christmas Day with her family.
Other people took the view: "Sorry John, but at age 18,
Christmas at the beach with your friends and boyfriend is
infinitely more fun than spending it with Mummy, Daddy, and
Little Brother in suburbia. She's only young once. Let her go,
etc".
What do you all think? Was Jessica rude? What could (or should)
John have done to address to situation?
#Post#: 22812--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Dazi Date: December 31, 2018, 11:56 pm
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At 17 and 18 I went on a road trip with my friends during
Christmas holiday. To this day it is some of my fondest
Christmas memories. It's not to say that I didn't enjoy
Christmas with my family, but at that age, it's a grand
adventure.
I think John needs to step back and remember what it was like to
be a carefree teenager. A child/young adult needs those
experiences to grow and to appreciate what she has at home.
#Post#: 22816--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Aleko Date: January 1, 2019, 4:21 am
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I think the question that John and his wife should be asking
themselves is: "Jessica wants to spend this Christmas having a
wonderful time on the beach with her boyfriend and their other
friends. Do we say to her "Have a lovely time! We'll be thinking
of you on Christmas Day!" or "No! What you would like to do
isn't important! All the nuclear family have to be here with us
and stay together all day at Christmas, because we say so, and
you're not financially independent yet so we can make you."
And if they choose the second option, do they really think
she'll ever willingly come home for Christmas again, once she
has moved out and is earning her own living?
This story resonates with me because my MIL is a resolute
defender of the English 'one-room Christmas ' whereby everyone
in the immediate family is rounded up into one room as early as
possible on Christmas Day and kept together - nobody is allowed
to wander off to do their own thing, even for half an hour - all
day. This to her is an absolute law, and whether everyone, or
indeed anyone, actually enjoys it at all is beside the point;
she'll keep the family together till bedtime if it kills them.
(And this is in raw fact only a very slight exaggeration.) It is
mind-blowingly dull - it routinely has me climbing the walls by
noon.
John and his family's "intimate" and "low-key" Christmas sounds
crashingly dull also. It hasn't even got the modest added
interest of including friends and relatives who aren't with them
every day - it's just the ordinary household having to spend a
whole day joined at the hip, trying to find some way to pass the
time. Which is not easy when there aren't really enough of you
to make a board game fun, and you are two middle-aged people, a
young adult and a child. When the most fun and festive thing you
can think of is to "walk around the neighbourhood to see the
Christmas lights", which of course you have all been seeing
every day for at least a month, you know you're really scraping
the barrel for things to do together.
I do hope they waved her off to her beach Christmas with a good
will, even if they had to fake it. If they did, there's just a
chance that amid all the surf and sun she thought of her family
home at Christmas and felt homesick for it; if so, she will be
keener to stay home next year. But if what she actually felt was
'God, I'm so glad I'm not frowsting in the living room right now
with Mum and Dad and little bro', then it certainly would have
been quite fruitless to force her to stay at home.
#Post#: 22818--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Chez Miriam Date: January 1, 2019, 5:50 am
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I met my husband just before he was 40, and I'd finally escaped
'doing what will make my mum happy' for Christmas having turned
30...
We went (for our second Christmas together) skiing in the Swiss
Alps. We did that for several years [well, I don't ski, but I
can enjoy snow!], until we'd established a habit that our own
'family' was entitled to do what it liked on Christmas Day.
If John and his wife were able to graciously wish her a Happy
Beachside Christmas, and let her go, she's likely to want to
spent (some) future Christmases with her family of origin.
Neither my husband nor I have spent a Christmas with our mothers
since "escaping", and my brother [who for reasons of convenience
(free hotel?) and laziness] lives at home HATES Christmas with a
passion.
I'm only giving my story to give a perspective of someone who
kow-towed to my mum's idea of what Christmas is like for 30
years, learned to hate the day/season/fuss, but then regained my
love of all things Christmassy after enough years of being
allowed to do what I wanted for a change.
It could be a case of 'be careful what you wish for' for John
and his wife?
Edited because "then" is spelt with an 'n' not a 'y'.
#Post#: 22822--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: oogyda Date: January 1, 2019, 7:09 am
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Heck, I'm 50 something and I'd rather have Jessica's Beach
Christmas as opposed to the typical family Christmas the OP
describes.
#Post#: 22823--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Rose Red Date: January 1, 2019, 7:38 am
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The daughter is in college and may not get many chances to run
off to the beach when she's an adult with a job and other
responsibilities. Does he want her future memories to be of cozy
Christmases with her family or of the one year that she was
forced to stay home to do the same thing they do every year?
#Post#: 22826--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: pierrotlunaire0 Date: January 1, 2019, 9:21 am
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I'm in my 60's, and was pretty much a homebody all my life. But
John needs to let go. Even if John's tradition was for the
family to go stay at a beach house, and Jessica wanted to spend
Christmas at home, pretty much doing nothing, he should let her.
You don't have children so that you have indentured staff to act
out your vision of what family life is like for eternity.
#Post#: 22829--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Celestia Date: January 1, 2019, 10:09 am
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Even if I'm allowing that family Christmas is extremely
important to them, what etiquette rule has Jessica broken that
could possibly be considered "rude"? She announced her plans
ahead of time and gave the family a head's up, she didn't
(appear to) expect them to go out of their way to do anything
differently themselves.
"Hurtful" or "inconsiderate" or "selfish" I would disagree with
but be able to understand where they were coming from. How would
this be "rude"?
#Post#: 22831--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: Thitpualso Date: January 1, 2019, 10:24 am
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I agree with the majority.
Jessic’s at Uni. That usually means she has a broader view of
life than she had in high school. John may not like the idea of
the trip but he should recognize that Christmas away from the
family home will happen eventually.
Besides, there’s no law that says Christmas must be observed on
the exact day. It can be great fun to have the family
celebration on a different day.
#Post#: 22833--------------------------------------------------
Re: Young adult spending Christmas with friends rather than fami
ly?
By: gramma dishes Date: January 1, 2019, 10:54 am
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Jessica loses out on the social growth opportunities provided by
dorm life by living at home. This Beach Christmas is a safe
'taste' of momentarily living with friends instead of family. I
think it's healthy and normal and she gave them plenty of
warning that this was her intention so they could adjust their
expectations.
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