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#Post#: 22534--------------------------------------------------
S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: December 28, 2018, 9:32 pm
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The late dinner thread has me wanting to get opinions and
perspectives on a situation that happens with my friends.
As I said in the thread, I do intermittent fasting, I go at
least 14 hours with no calories. Sometimes I "dirty fast"
sometimes "clean," but, either way I don't eat.
I was out with friends a month ago, we went to dinner, where I
ate a full meal, and then to a winter market. We shopped and
chatted and one friend suggested hot chocolate at a food booth.
I looked at my watch; it was 9:30 and I didn't want to consume
anything. I said, "I'll have a tea." They were trying to figure
out what sort of hot chocolate additions and toppings they
wanted and there wasn't anyone in front of us so I asked if they
had tea. They didn't. I hadn't taken my purse, just cash and
cards in my pocket, so I didn't have a tea bag. I stepped back
and they'd almost decided when one friend realized I wasn't
ordering.
That turned into, "You're not getting anything? Then I'm not." I
said I'd get tea somewhere else, tried to encourage them to get
the hot chocolates, but they didn't order. Then, one of them
stated interest in an arepa at another spot, but wouldn't get
it.
We're all getting together next month and I'd like to get in
front of this. My not having a drink or snack with them isn't a
judgment of their consuming a treat, but it seems to moderate
their choices. How would you all approach this?
(By contrast, I have another friend who I went to a show with.
We'd both worked and met at the show. Afterwards she was hungry
and asked if I minded stopping for food. I said I'd get tea and
did. It wasn't a problem or awkward at all. We chatted and
visited while she ate.)
#Post#: 22539--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: mime
Date: December 28, 2018, 10:53 pm
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If I were there as one of your friends, I probably would have
skipped the chocolate, too. It wouldn't have been a big deal at
all to do that, and would have felt like a supportive gesture to
a fasting friend.
I think one person eating while another has tea (if it is done
in a no-big-deal kind of way, like you and your friend) is very
different from a few people having a chocolate while one person
has nothing at all, especially after having expressed the
desire/intention to have some.
In the first case, everyone is having *something* so it doesn't
feel awkward for your companion. In the second case, your
friends may have felt like they were being rude if they all
enjoyed a treat while you couldn't even get a tea. It sounds
like you come prepared with a teabag most of the time; I'd try
to do this more often. Or a bottle of water in your purse. I
don't know that you can really change their comfort level around
eating or drinking when you are not, so just do what you can to
get around the situation instead.
#Post#: 22565--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: December 29, 2018, 10:02 am
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I sometimes have just hot water [and have learned to ask for a
splash of cold so that I can drink it before the next millennium
::)] - that way I'm joining in the 'having a drink' part of
socialising without having a coffee [which will make me ill and
bounce of the ceiling until the shakes stop] or a drink I really
don't like [rarely do I find cocoa made with hazelnut milk!].
I have a little pot of teabags that lives in a coat pocket -
perhaps it's worth always just tucking one in a pocket somewhere
when you know you're meeting up with these friends. I have some
individually wrapped sachets that I take 'just in case' when I
am visiting people; if they don't offer a drink, no-one needs to
see the tea, and if they do I can produce the sachet and ask if
they would use my tea bag.
I agree with pjeans that your friends probably were just being
supportive/thought they were being nice, whereas you are left
feeling like you'd ruined the end to the evening?
I hope you find a solution you are happy with.
#Post#: 22574--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: iolaus
Date: December 29, 2018, 11:21 am
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I also do intermittent fasting and I would have felt
uncomfortable with them changing their plans as well
If there was only one friend with you I can kind of see their
point but not if there was more than one having the hot
chocolate (although part of me wonders if one of the friends
didn't really want a drink and when you said you weren't they
felt they could also decline)
This isn't a case of you going out for a meal and then not
eating you'd eaten a full meal - even without the fasting you
may not have wanted to have a hot chocolate soon afterwards,
they are filling with all the extras
#Post#: 22578--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: STiG
Date: December 29, 2018, 11:33 am
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I like Chez Miriam's idea of ordering a cup of hot water. They
might have a nominal charge for it but it might help make your
friends comfortable to go ahead and order their hot chocolate.
#Post#: 22579--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: December 29, 2018, 11:45 am
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--- Quote from: STiG link ---
>
> I like Chez Miriam's idea of ordering a cup of hot water.
They might have a nominal charge for it but it might help make
your friends comfortable to go ahead and order their hot
chocolate.
>
--- End Quote ---
Yeah, I'll definitely try that if I don't have a tea bag. I
used to drink straight hot water on an empty stomach for health
reasons. I should probably get back to it. (My PCP told me to do
it when I had pneumonia, he said it's an ayurvedic technique and
would help clear my lungs, among other things.)
Thanks all!
I have tea bags in a little pouch in my purse (and in my
computer bag) but I didn't think to take one with me when I left
my purse. I'll remember next time.
I absolutely felt like I put a damper on their treat. They both
went to a "No, I shouldn't have it. I really don't need the
calories. I had dessert at dinner, shouldn't have this too,"
place and it felt interminable.
#Post#: 22584--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: lakey
Date: December 29, 2018, 12:30 pm
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If I was refraining from partaking of something for whatever
reason, it wouldn't make me feel good to have everyone else go
without because of me. It would make me feel like everyone else
wanted hot cocoa, but couldn't have it because of me. I can see
why OP wants to avoid this in the future.
Here's what I would consider saying, " My eating habits are
different from everyone else's. I don't want others to go
without because of me. So enjoy." Sometimes if you just make a
direct statement, then everyone can relax and be themselves.
#Post#: 22585--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: Hanna
Date: December 29, 2018, 12:33 pm
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I don’t think that’s on you. Your choice made them think about
it, and decide they weren’t really interested. If I want
something I’m going to get it regardless of what someone else is
doing. If I change my mind, it means I didn’t actually want it
in the first place.
#Post#: 22708--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: December 30, 2018, 3:57 pm
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--- Quote from: lakey link ---
>
> If I was refraining from partaking of something for whatever
reason, it wouldn't make me feel good to have everyone else go
without because of me. It would make me feel like everyone else
wanted hot cocoa, but couldn't have it because of me. I can see
why OP wants to avoid this in the future.
>
> Here's what I would consider saying, " My eating habits are
different from everyone else's. I don't want others to go
without because of me. So enjoy." Sometimes if you just make a
direct statement, then everyone can relax and be themselves.
>
--- End Quote ---
I said way more than the bolded - so much so that I definitely
violated the E in JADE. But, now that I've confessed... First,
they both know I do IF. After the stand didn't have tea, I said,
"I have back to backs (appointments) from 9-1 tomorrow morning
so I have to eat breakfast by 8:45 a.m. so it's just a little
too late for me to have one." I encouraged them to have one, but
they didn't.
I'm similar to Hanna, if I want something, I'll eat (or drink)
it. I don't care who's imbibing and who isn't. I don't think all
women function like that and I really thought it changed their
behavior. Which wasn't my intention. At all. I was just trying
to manage my lifestyle and schedule. If I hadn't had a full
morning the next day, I might have had one and just not eaten
until 11:45 a.m. I didn't want to have one and have to wait
until 2 p.m. to eat. The hot chocolate wasn't worth it in my
mind.
#Post#: 22716--------------------------------------------------
Re: S/O Late socializing without eating
DIR By: guest657
Date: December 30, 2018, 5:44 pm
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I don't think this is something you can fix, only name. I'd
probably say something like, "Don't make me the bad guy. If you
want one, have it. I'm not your food police, and I don't want
you to be mine either."
Whether they simply decided against it, or whether they were
working through some wierd programming about food, obligation,
and guilt - either way, it's theirs to deal with.
You didn't do anything rude or inconsiderate, and you don't need
to change your approach or manage this for them. They have to
manage it for themselves.
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