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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 22464--------------------------------------------------
Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: LadyRexall Date: December 28, 2018, 10:43 am
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Nephew (10) asked for gift cards for Christmas. I’m not one to
just hand out a gift card. I find an imaginative way to wrap it
up. Nephew likes brain teasers and puzzles. I told him his gift
would be tricky, so he had warning. so here’s what I did. I took
two gift cards and taped them up back to back (so when you flip
it you see where it’s to and the monetary value). Then I wrapped
then in two layers of black tissue paper. I found a small box
(granola cereal bars) and taped the wrapped cards in the inside
of the box (so when he picked it up and shook it, there’d be no
movement or sound). Both my girls were at school/work so I took
pics each step of the way and sent it to them to make sure it
was easy enough for him yet would make him think too. My girls
said it was perfect for him. So....Christmas Day, the kids have
opened their gifts and are thanking all the adults. Nephew
didn’t thank me so I asked him if he liked his gift. He said
yes. I commented something like “pretty tricky of auntie,
right?” To which he said yup. I chuckled, ruffled his hair and
went about life.
The next day I get a text from his mom asking me to look around
my house for nephews gift as I mistakingly gave him an empty
box. I said no, it wasn’t empty, told her how I wrapped it. She
seemed Leary so I sent her a few pics and told her I’d been
sending them to my kids during the wrapping process to make sure
it wasn’t too hard for him. Sil tells me that the box was thrown
away, so the gift cards were thrown away too. Oh no! Note: we
put everything out to the road Christmas night as garbage
collection was early the next morning. Sil asked if I had time
to run out and replace the gift cards. I stalled (in the middle
of packing to move, so no, I didn’t have time) and wanted to
check with you all first. I’m not responsible to buy a second
set of gift cards for him am I? I didn’t throw them out! Not
sure who did but it wasn’t me. Is it just chalked up to “hey,
sorry, you should’ve said something that day, or asked a parent
or other adult what was up with the empty box” I really can’t
even fathom spending another $50 on the kid as funds are pretty
tight right now.
#Post#: 22465--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: katiekat2009 Date: December 28, 2018, 11:08 am
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I think you do have some responsibility in this. The way you
wrapped it made it easy for it to get thrown away. The child was
polite about it, though. Take your receipts back to the store.
Have them cancel the first cards and replace them. Next time,
maybe be more circumspect in how you wrap your gifts.
#Post#: 22469--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: Amara Date: December 28, 2018, 11:30 am
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I disagree. I do think you bear some responsibility because the
gift cards were easy to overlook. But I am not sure that
responsibility extends to spending another $50. (I know I
wouldn't because I'm not spending $100.) What you should have
done was watch him open them and make sure he found them; you'll
know that for next time. I once gave my sister a gift card
inside a deck of playing cards. But I made sure to watch her
open them and keep telling her "look more" until she found it.
Honestly, I don't know what you should do. Can you easily afford
to replace them? The ideal is if you can cancel them and get
replacements; hurry to see if that's true. If not, can you and
your SIL split the replacement cost? It's a tricky question
because, really, this situation is no one's fault.
#Post#: 22470--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: Luci Date: December 28, 2018, 11:35 am
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I don’t think it’s Auntie's fault. The kid or mother should have
kept track of them.
I do agree with taking effort of going to the stores, cancelling
them and replacing. Or at least send them to the mother.
#Post#: 22472--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: OnyxBird Date: December 28, 2018, 11:43 am
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I don't think etiquette obligates you to replace it, but I do
think your wrapping method was more to blame for the loss than
Nephew's or Nephew's family, so I also think you effectively
gave him nothing rather than him losing his gift. :( If you
still have the receipts for the gift cards, it may be worth
checking if they have a way to cancel and replace a lost card
without spending the money over again. If not, a small
replacement gift would be kind.
That kind of wrapping approach can be fun, but it really needs
someone "in the know" present at unwrapping to make sure the
recipient knows that it's not a mistake and the gift is actually
there and needs to be searched for. (If it looked like just an
empty box to everyone present, then it's not too surprising that
they assumed you'd gotten mixed up and accidentally sealed up
the box empty rather than it being intentional.) If you weren't
going to be present when the gift was opened, then it probably
would have been better to send the pictures/explanation to
someone who would be there, e.g., one of his parents, rather
than your daughters, so that they could prompt him that there
was a gift there and he should keep looking.
In fact, it sounds like Nephew was incredibly polite when he
spoke to you, considering that he thought your "trick" was
giving him nothing but an empty box. Yes, strictly speaking, he
could have "fixed" the problem if he'd asked you "Aunt Rexall,
why did you give me an empty box?" But questioning "Why did you
give me [undesirable gift]?" or "Why didn't you give me a gift?"
are pretty much directly opposite to what polite children are
taught to do when receiving a gift they don't like. Polite
children are "supposed to" thank the giver and not let on that
they don't like the gift, which is what he did after you
approached him. A wrapped (apparently) empty box with no
explanation is such a bizarre (and hurtful) edge case that it's
not surprising he didn't know how to handle it politely in the
moment.
When you said he likes "brain teasers and puzzles," I was
expecting you to say that either you'd put it in a (storebought
or homemade) puzzle box, i.e., something where the recipient can
either see the gift or at least see that there is a space for a
gift that they cannot access without completing the puzzle, or
had hidden them and provided a riddle/brain teaser to tell him
where to find it. Either of those makes it obvious that there
is, in fact, a gift and makes it obvious what task is required
to solve it (it may not be obvious how to solve the puzzle, but
there is an obvious puzzle in front of them to be solved).
That's an approach that could work without the giver being
present when the package opened. "Tricky" wrapping that conceals
that the gift is even there after being unwrapped really calls
for someone present to give prompts if necessary.
#Post#: 22473--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: LadyRexall Date: December 28, 2018, 12:07 pm
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Thanks for all the insight. Just to add facts: 1. I didn’t watch
nephew as I was helping my little open gifts. Nephew has two
parents and 1 sister, so one parent can help each child. 2.
Nephew was very polite considering he thought I got everyone a
great gift and him nothing. 3. Why didn’t one of his parents
ask? 4. Apparently, the mom and dad talked to all the other
adults EXCEPT the gift givers (me and hubby) so they all knew
something was up. 5. I looked at the gift over and over. One
glance looks like nothing was in there, look again and you see
the obvious bulge of two gift cards (still thin, yes). 6. I
didn’t keep a receipt and funds are tight enough that I can’t
easily replace. 7. His parents didn’t look in the box?
I do feel bad now, thinking about how polite he was over the
whole thing.
#Post#: 22474--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: Kiwipinball Date: December 28, 2018, 12:19 pm
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[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=904.msg22473#msg22473
date=1546020479]
Thanks for all the insight. Just to add facts: 1. I didn’t watch
nephew as I was helping my little open gifts. Nephew has two
parents and 1 sister, so one parent can help each child. 2.
Nephew was very polite considering he thought I got everyone a
great gift and him nothing. 3. Why didn’t one of his parents
ask? 4. Apparently, the mom and dad talked to all the other
adults EXCEPT the gift givers (me and hubby) so they all knew
something was up. 5. I looked at the gift over and over. One
glance looks like nothing was in there, look again and you see
the obvious bulge of two gift cards (still thin, yes). 6. I
didn’t keep a receipt and funds are tight enough that I can’t
easily replace. 7. His parents didn’t look in the box?
I do feel bad now, thinking about how polite he was over the
whole thing.
[/quote]
I think if there's anyway to replace it, you should. Yes, it
would have been good if his parents talked to you the day of,
but it sounds like it was a little chaotic. Did you tell them
how much the gift cards were? If not, you could easily buy a
smaller gift card (well I don't know how tight funds are - I
mean in terms of him not knowing). Or offer to replace later
when your cash flow is better? If he had found and then lost the
gift cards, it would be on him/his parents. But that's not what
happened. He sounds like a great kid though!
#Post#: 22475--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: jpcher Date: December 28, 2018, 12:20 pm
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I'm hoping you can get replacements. That would be the easy/best
solution.
I, too, like wrapping things in creative ways. But if it's
money/gift card, I make sure that the actual gift was received
(especially for a young child). You did ask nephew and was
satisfied with his response. He is probably pretty well trained,
etiquette-wise because he didn't say "What's up with an empty
box?"
My MIL normally gifts me $100 gift card for certain store, and
maybe something small. I usually call her after the card was
spent to thank her and tell her what I used it for.
One year she gifted me a cookbook. No gift card. Which was fine!
I thanked her for the book, thumbed through it a few times,
didn't find anything new and exciting to try, then put it on my
cookbook shelf.
A few months later (I talked to her several times in between)
she finally asked "I didn't hear what you used your gift card
for." I said "Oh, um, I didn't get a gift card this year." She
said "Really? Are you sure? I thought I taped it to the inside
front cover of your cookbook!" I pulled out the book, and there
it was. I have no clue as to how I missed seeing it. Yes, I was
a tad bit embarrassed.
That being said, and in hindsight, the next time you do creative
wrapping please make sure the recipient has actually received
the gift.
That doesn't help you in this situation . . . I do think you owe
the child a gift. Not the original $50 but maybe a small
puzzle/brain teaser type of thing. Maybe something like this:
HTML https://www.amazon.com/Rather-Adults-Hilarious-Questions-Entire/dp/1790898528/ref=sr_1_2_sspa?ie=UTF8&qid=1546021011&sr=8-2-spons&keywords=brain+teasers+for+kids+ages+10-12&psc=1
I'd hate for your nephew to think that you're the aunt that
gives empty boxes. You're heart was in the right place. It just
didn't work out this time.
3 replies while I was typing. Posting anyway.
#Post#: 22478--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: caroled Date: December 28, 2018, 12:58 pm
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[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=904.msg22473#msg22473
date=1546020479]
5. I looked at the gift over and over. One glance looks like
nothing was in there, look again and you see the obvious bulge
of two gift cards (still thin, yes).
[/quote]
I think this sums it up. As an adult, you or I might know that
something was up and remove the tissue and find the gift cards,
whereas a 10 year old might be thinking actual presents/toys as
gifts and not ever think Auntie would be giving gift cards. Even
if he rubbed his hand across the tissue, a 10 year old may not
grasp the fact that it was anything other than tissue.
I think at this point you really should try to replace the gift
with another gift, not necessarily the same gift.... I'm not
sure the monetary value of the cards, you may have had 2 $25
cards, but you can find many nice gifts for a child that don't
cost a fortune. My nephew is really into dinosaurs , my niece
into Funko Pop Harry Potter characters. My sister sent a huge
list of ones they'd like to have ( along with the Lego sets at
$50+each) in prices ranging from $6.50- $14 or so each. 2 or 3
items can be had for around $20. A nice gift and won't break the
bank.
#Post#: 22479--------------------------------------------------
Re: Who replaces a gift that was accidentally thrown away?
By: Rose Red Date: December 28, 2018, 1:00 pm
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I also think you have some responsibility to let him know
(verbally or written on the box) that it was a puzzle box and
his gift was hidden inside. Giving instructions separate from
the gift is easily overlooked.
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