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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 22505--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: December 28, 2018, 5:56 pm
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I think I would be very non-committal about comments but I
wouldn't hide anything. I think it's fine to say things like.
I've never been close to my Dad. He was a different man when I
was growing up before he joined the church.
I'm glad he is of service to the church. It's nice to hear he
has changed his life around since my childhood.
Also, OP, I think it is amazing you are willing to have anything
to do with this man at all. I know I would not be spending my
time visiting someone who had beat me as a child and never
offered any atonement for it.
#Post#: 22537--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: December 28, 2018, 10:19 pm
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It sounds like this is really your only concern:
--- Quote ---
> I'm concerned for her safety and don't want to see an elderly
woman ruin her twilight years with my dad.
--- End Quote ---
I would think about what she will most likely believe. And what
will be most helpful to her after the relationship deepens, so
that it's easier for her to get out with only 6 months lost.
So maybe just lay groundwork for a different perspective:
"Just remember that he will likely seem a different person
should your relationship ever deepen. Please be your own best
advocate."
Or, "People who have lived close to him on a day-to-day basis
have seen a very different side of him, even recently."
#Post#: 22668--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: LadyRexall
Date: December 30, 2018, 9:42 am
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I have a bad mom. She’s a minister; so there’s loads of people
that only see that kind and supportive side to her. She’s also a
narcissist, so loads of people see the nice side only. It’s been
really frustrating. At first, I tried correcting people and
telling how mean and nasty she was to me, but No one believed
it, as they never saw that side. So I gave up. People act
differently around different people. When someone tells me now
how great mom is, I politely smile and say something non genuine
like “yes, she’s always been really kind to her congregants”. It
doesn’t make it any less true that she’s been horrible and nasty
to me. Not everyone deserves to know my plight.
#Post#: 22682--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: December 30, 2018, 10:54 am
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I think you can only say some variant on "that hasn't been my
experience" and/or "I'm glad he's a nice person in church".
If she asks "what do you mean?", then I think you would be kind
to say that he has a history of failed relationships owing to
physical abuse, and citing a couple of your own examples.
But if she doesn't ask, she probably/possibly wouldn't be open
to hearing about your experience of him, and may just think you
are bitter and twisted, and bad-mouthing a 'good man' for your
own bitter and twisted ends. :'(
Sadly, people who don't ask for relationship advice may be the
ones who need it most and are the least receptive. I think that
people then have to make their own mistakes, with kindly people
only able to be there to pick up the pieces.
And: she may not be intending to enter into any deeper
relationship than just knowing him through church?
{{Hugs}} for what you went through with him, and the dilemma you
are know facing.
#Post#: 22949--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: bopper
Date: January 2, 2019, 10:20 am
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Sounds narcissisticy...the N can keep the mask on for a period
of time like you said. I am sure he gets lots of attention for
doing things for the church.
Some thoughts:
1) You don't have to have him at your house ever if you don't
want to.
2) You can decide what level of relationship you have.
3) You can look at this as a gift...good, someone else will take
care of him
4) If things point to marriage, you could tell her to talk to
Wife 2 first..or ignore it.
#Post#: 22954--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Chez Miriam
Date: January 2, 2019, 10:41 am
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--- Quote from: bopper link ---
>
> Sounds narcissisticy...the N can keep the mask on for a period
of time like you said. I am sure he gets lots of attention for
doing things for the church.
>
> Some thoughts:
> 1) You don't have to have him at your house ever if you don't
want to.
> 2) You can decide what level of relationship you have.
> 3) You can look at this as a gift...good, someone else will
take care of him
> 4) If things point to marriage, you could tell her to talk to
Wife 2 first..or ignore it.
>
--- End Quote ---
The bolded is why we were delighted that my dad's father found a
girlfriend after grandma died...
However the Widow B found out enough about him that she split up
with him. Years later, my mum met Widow B and found she was a
very nice lady [some family members thought she was a
gold-digger], and was glad for her that she hadn't got further
involved. It could be possible this lady gets to know him
better, and decides against further involvement.
#Post#: 23067--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: January 2, 2019, 10:51 pm
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Bgolly - I don't have much to add, but my heart goes out to you
for the abuse you suffered as a child. If it was me I'd have
absolutely nothing to do with this monster. Bed. Made. Lie.
#Post#: 24140--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: SnappyLT
Date: January 16, 2019, 3:00 pm
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--- Quote from: Copper Horsewoman link ---
>
> [quote author=sandisadie link=topic=901.msg22415#msg22415
date=1545957405]
> You might want to think about what will change if you speak
your mind to this woman. I am in a similar situation concerning
my late husband and his grandchildren from his first marriage.
Not abuse, but talking with them about what kind of person they
think he was - and what kind he really was. So far I've just
listened and not commented. People don't usually want to have
someone else try to change their view of a person they care
about. I would just let it all go and let them go on their way,
even if speaking will make you feel better.
>
--- End Quote ---
Well, in your instance, there is no upside to speaking out, and
could cause considerable damage.
[/quote]
I realize I am coming late to this discussion. Nonetheless, I'm
curious about Copper Horsewoman's comment, "...could cause
considerable damage."
How could speaking out (truthfully, of course) cause
considerable damage? Damage to the OP? Damage to the new lady
friend? Damage to the abusive father?
#Post#: 24183--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: January 17, 2019, 12:49 am
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--- Quote from: SnappyLT link ---
>
> [quote author=Copper Horsewoman
link=topic=901.msg22424#msg22424 date=1545962560]
> [quote author=sandisadie link=topic=901.msg22415#msg22415
date=1545957405]
> You might want to think about what will change if you speak
your mind to this woman. I am in a similar situation concerning
my late husband and his grandchildren from his first marriage.
Not abuse, but talking with them about what kind of person they
think he was - and what kind he really was. So far I've just
listened and not commented. People don't usually want to have
someone else try to change their view of a person they care
about. I would just let it all go and let them go on their way,
even if speaking will make you feel better.
>
--- End Quote ---
Well, in your instance, there is no upside to speaking out, and
could cause considerable damage.
[/quote]
I realize I am coming late to this discussion. Nonetheless, I'm
curious about Copper Horsewoman's comment, "...could cause
considerable damage."
How could speaking out (truthfully, of course) cause
considerable damage? Damage to the OP? Damage to the new lady
friend? Damage to the abusive father?
[/quote]
I’ll guess that, on the off chance that OP’s father has actually
changed, it could damage his reputation. Another thought is
that people who don’t really know OP’s backstory with him could
think she’s just bad-mouthing him and think less of her.
My take is to simply say something like “that wasn’t my
experience with him” and leave it at that. If he starts to show
his true colors, then lady friend could ask OP for particulars
then.
#Post#: 24202--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Jem
Date: January 17, 2019, 10:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: HenrysMom link ---
>
> [quote author=SnappyLT link=topic=901.msg24140#msg24140
date=1547672449]
> [quote author=Copper Horsewoman
link=topic=901.msg22424#msg22424 date=1545962560]
> [quote author=sandisadie link=topic=901.msg22415#msg22415
date=1545957405]
> You might want to think about what will change if you speak
your mind to this woman. I am in a similar situation concerning
my late husband and his grandchildren from his first marriage.
Not abuse, but talking with them about what kind of person they
think he was - and what kind he really was. So far I've just
listened and not commented. People don't usually want to have
someone else try to change their view of a person they care
about. I would just let it all go and let them go on their way,
even if speaking will make you feel better.
>
--- End Quote ---
Well, in your instance, there is no upside to speaking out, and
could cause considerable damage.
[/quote]
I realize I am coming late to this discussion. Nonetheless, I'm
curious about Copper Horsewoman's comment, "...could cause
considerable damage."
How could speaking out (truthfully, of course) cause
considerable damage? Damage to the OP? Damage to the new lady
friend? Damage to the abusive father?
[/quote]
I’ll guess that, on the off chance that OP’s father has actually
changed, it could damage his reputation. Another thought is
that people who don’t really know OP’s backstory with him could
think she’s just bad-mouthing him and think less of her.
My take is to simply say something like “that wasn’t my
experience with him” and leave it at that. If he starts to show
his true colors, then lady friend could ask OP for particulars
then.
[/quote]
I agree with HenrysMom. In my experience, people like to form
their own opinions about others. If I already have a
relationship with a person, I am not likely to completely change
my thinking about that person based on statements from someone I
don't know, especially if they are bringing up situations from
years or decades before. I am more likely to want to distance
myself from people who are bad mouthing people I care about.
I am not at all discounting the OPs pain here. Just saying that
trying to get other people to share her view of her father has a
huge potential of increasing or prolonging her pain and not
changing anything for anyone else.
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