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#Post#: 22405--------------------------------------------------
Bad Dad
DIR By: Bgolly
Date: December 27, 2018, 4:38 pm
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I have a question about how I should handle a problem that has
recently arisen in my life. Short BG: growing up my dad was
physically and mentally abusive to me. I'm talking closed fist
punches to the face for getting in his way and calling me ugly
and flat chested. He also would physically attack my mother as
well. My mother called the police once because he just wouldn't
stop pummeling me in the face. He finally left when I was 15 and
had gotten a job in order to support himself. He never bothered
with visitations or child support. He became a born again
Christian and has found God. Since he left he has devoted all
his spare time and effort to his church. In spite of his born
again Christian status he has never acknowledged or apologized
for the abuse and damage he did to me growing up. He boycotted
my wedding because I didn't ask him to walk me down the aisle.
(Myself and my DH paid for everything) Through the years I have
kept him at arm's length. He is invited to my home for holiday
meals but that is the extent of our relationship. I am 48, have
a great DH and two wonderful DSs (16 and 18). This past
Christmas Day my dad had a minor stroke. I went to the hospital
to check on him and was greeted by his Christian "lady friend".
He was in another area getting a CT scan so we decided to go for
coffee until he returned. While we were having coffee she was
going on about what an amazing and generous person my dad is.
She went into great detail about all the things he has done for
the church over the years and what a wonderful man he is. I just
sat there sipping my coffee not saying anything. He can be on
his best behavior when he needs to be. He actually managed to
get remarried a few years back but was unable to keep up the
facade after the wedding and they divorced 6 months later. My
question is what do I say if or when she starts talking like
that again? I'm concerned for her safety and don't want to see
an elderly woman ruin her twilight years with my dad. He is on
the road to recovery and is getting discharged from hospital
today.
#Post#: 22408--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Hanna
Date: December 27, 2018, 5:15 pm
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First and foremost, I’m so sorry you had these terrible
experiences.
It depends on how much detail you want to get into and what you
want this woman to take away from the conversation. If you just
want to make the maddening praise stop vs if you want to warn
her vs if you want her to know what kind of person she’s really
talking about. Or perhaps all three.
On the more vague end you might say “Well that really has not
been my experience with him.” Then change the topic.
To be more direct and clear, “It’s very painful to hear these
things because my father abused and then abandoned me and I’m
here today out of simple undeserved kindness for a person that
has no other family willing to help.”
If you believe he’s still capable of being violent you certainly
have a right to tell her so.
#Post#: 22409--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: December 27, 2018, 5:23 pm
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I agree, I think YOU get to decide how much detail you want to
go into or not. But I wanted to add that receiving such a
drastic message from the belief that she holds (that your father
is a very good person) will likely not be received well. She is
not likely to take it as the warning that you are describing.
So, I would weigh that factor into how far I went. It might be
better to let her know that you do not necessarily agree with
her assessment and then let it go. If she wants more details,
she can always ask. Again, you are not obligated to provide
those, but she may be more receptive if receiving them is on her
terms.
#Post#: 22410--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Tea Drinker
Date: December 27, 2018, 6:14 pm
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As the previous two posters said, it's up to you how much you
want to engage. One thing to consider--do you actually want him
to be there for holiday meals, or to visit him in the hospital,
or are you doing it because you don't think anyone deserves to
be entirely alone? If the latter, it's worth noting that he
wouldn't be alone if you stayed away--he has his lady friend,
and all the peple he spends time with at church.
Also, you wouldn't need to go into a lot of detail to say
something like "it's interesting that he's so generous to his
new church, since he still owes my mother years of child
support." That's a fact that wouldn't require you to talk about
the years of abuse; it's a sad truth that lots of parents who
weren't otherwise abusive find ways to avoid paying child
support after a divorce (or less formal separation).
#Post#: 22415--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: sandisadie
Date: December 27, 2018, 6:36 pm
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You might want to think about what will change if you speak your
mind to this woman. I am in a similar situation concerning my
late husband and his grandchildren from his first marriage. Not
abuse, but talking with them about what kind of person they
think he was - and what kind he really was. So far I've just
listened and not commented. People don't usually want to have
someone else try to change their view of a person they care
about. I would just let it all go and let them go on their way,
even if speaking will make you feel better.
#Post#: 22418--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: December 27, 2018, 7:05 pm
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"It's so interesting how very different our experiences with him
have been."
#Post#: 22424--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: Copper Horsewoman
Date: December 27, 2018, 8:02 pm
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--- Quote from: sandisadie link ---
>
> You might want to think about what will change if you speak
your mind to this woman. I am in a similar situation concerning
my late husband and his grandchildren from his first marriage.
Not abuse, but talking with them about what kind of person they
think he was - and what kind he really was. So far I've just
listened and not commented. People don't usually want to have
someone else try to change their view of a person they care
about. I would just let it all go and let them go on their way,
even if speaking will make you feel better.
>
--- End Quote ---
Well, in your instance, there is no upside to speaking out, and
could cause considerable damage.
#Post#: 22425--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: wonderfullyanonymous
Date: December 27, 2018, 8:31 pm
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Growing up, I was my fathers punching bag. I wasn't physically
abused as severely as you were, but I was physically, mentally
and verbally abused. My sister and brother were not abused, and
rarely punished. My sister did get the wooded spoon on her but a
few times, but again, not like I did. I was blamed for things my
brother and sister did.
So, while the 3 of us have the same father genetically, I was
treated completely differently. Our mother acknowledges his
treatment towards me, and says she wish she had done things
differently, but she still treats me the same way. I pulled a
cut direct 8 years ago, I just couldn't deal with the mental
games anymore.
When our father passed away, my brother and sister praised the
good of our father, and how wonderful he was. There were some
good times, but my bad experiences far out weigh the good ones.
I realized then, they never realized how crappy I was treated in
comparison.
Now, when they talk about how good of a parent he was, I tend to
keep my mouth shut, as I don't want to start WWIII, however, if
my sister were to ever why I cut our mother off, I will tell
her.
I have yet to meet my older half sister, who doesn't know I
don't talk to our mother, and I am not looking forward to that
conversation, but it will happen. So far I've avoided her
questions about mom.
Sorry to be so long winded, but if it were me, I would not
volunteer anything, but if they ask questions about your youth,
then I would definitely answer them truthfully.
#Post#: 22436--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: guest657
Date: December 27, 2018, 11:06 pm
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I'm so sorry you are dealing with that!
I recently had a formerly close, extremely problematic relative
go through an illness and pass away. It was very tricky
navigating conversations with her friends. Few of them had seen
how cruel and manipulative she could be, and she has lied
extensively about my side of the family, so they were not
disposed to believe me anyway.
Here are some of the phrases I used to maintain my own sense of
authenticity and integrity, while trying not to inflict needless
shock or conflict on well-meaning people:
"Well, there's a lot of history there. (Beandip.)"
"Well, she hasn't always been the easiest person to get along
with, but of course I want the best for her."
"Hmmm. Family's messy, you know?"
"She's changed a lot over the years."
If I were in your situation and wanted to warn her, I'd first
ask how much she knew about his first and second marriages, and
listen.
Then I'd say something like, "I know this isn't the time or
place, but if you ever consider getting serious with my father,
there are some things you should know that he probably won't
tell you. You can always call me if you want to hear about
them."
#Post#: 22439--------------------------------------------------
Re: Bad Dad
DIR By: mime
Date: December 28, 2018, 12:00 am
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If you launch into a big rant about what a sorry excuse for a
man he was with you, it won't likely do any good. She is seeing
the "reborn" man at her church, in a faith that gives many many
chances for people to start over. She'll likely continue to see
him in that light, until she builds up enough first-hand
experience, which is fair.
I think you're best time say very little, but to say the truth:
she knows a very different man than you ever knew, and you don't
really see evidence that he's changed so much. Then disengage if
she aims to change your mind. It is ok to speak in contradiction
to her views.
The fact that you're still choosing to be part of his life
speaks volumes about you! This woman probably believes it to
mean that it says a lot about him, too. She may think that when
she tells you what a good man she sees in him, she is speaking
encouraging words to you, that affirm your apparent decision to
reconcile.
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