DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Holidays
*****************************************************
#Post#: 22398--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Jem Date: December 27, 2018, 3:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Even if the BIL has a medical condition it is up to him to
manage it. He doesn’t have to make everyone else miserable
because of his inability to plan or adapt, regardless of the
reason “why.” I also think that BIL’s wife can choose to handle
things better too. They can drive separately or he can skip
events altogether if his issues prevent her from participating.
Holiday gatherings should be about the GATHERING more than
anything else. If eating specifically at 6:00 is the most
important part to BIL, he can bring a PB&J or something and be
pleasant for the gathering.
#Post#: 22406--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 4:44 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
OP here, and sorry, I posted a reply earlier but somehow it
disappeared.
You're right, I do dislike him increasingly, and that is because
of his behaviour, his need to control everyone through PA
manoevres (not just around eating; I could write a novel), and
because he is an expert on everything, even things that are well
outside his scope of knowlege. I have not always disliked him.
We were friends before he got together. He can be funny and
entertaining to be around. But over the years, his controlling
behaviour, his victimhood, and impatience when he is not the
centre of attention has become more and more apparent. I am not
the only one who has noticed. I put up with him because he is
attached to my sister. This last dinner was honestly just the
last straw for me.
I notice he is not "exhausted" when HIS friends are around, ie
people of his choosing who tend to be people he deems important
to the advancement of his career. Also, if he had a medical
condition like acid reflux you can bet we'd have all heard about
it by now. I have to say, while I believe most people when they
state some physical need, you're right, I don't believe him
because he has spent years crying wolf. When he doesn't get his
way, it seems to always somehow manifest as a physical ailment
but if there is someone around he needs to impress he is jovial
and just fine.
I have also experienced the desperate feeling of needing to eat,
and dinners that weren't ready when expected. But I still
wouldn't think of grabbing mashed potatoes from the table before
anyone's sat down, minutes before things were served, or for
rushing the person who did the cooking.
I think a Christmas dinner is quite a different event from your
usual after work supper on a weeknight, and if you (general you)
can't handle any disruption to your routine, ever, without
ruining things for other people, the best thing to do is decline
all invitations out unless you can find people whose habits
align exactly with yours. I'm quite flexible in most group
decisions, ie when I get together with friends, there's usually
a bit of give and take between everyone's wants and needs. I'm
quite good with group decision-making and being flexible. But
with him it's his way or the highway and I'm sick of it.
#Post#: 22414--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Tea Drinker Date: December 27, 2018, 6:32 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
"Yes, you said you need to eat. Here are some cheese, crackers,
hummus, and nuts to snack on." Or the famous "I don't get it"
when he says he's joking. "Yes, I heard you. But I don't get it.
What's funny about a grown man saying he's going to starve in
front of a table full of food?"
I can get grumpy if I don't eat in reasonable season. When that
looked likely the other day, my girlfriend and I stopped on our
way to the museum and bought a couple of granola bars. I don't
even like granola bars, but that was sufficient to hold me so we
could take our time looking at art before we found a late
lunch.
One possibility would be to ask your sister what she would
prefer, in that kind of situation; if you're tiptoeing around
him for her sake, it's worth finding out if that's actually
making her life easier.
#Post#: 22417--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: GardenGal Date: December 27, 2018, 7:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
OP - I don't like him, either, and all I have to go on is a few
minutes of reading your posts. I have very little patience for
adults who act like entitled, impatient, pouting children. If I
was to cook a dinner again at which he'd be present, I'd make
the time 7pm and serve him an attractive sandwich & a cookie at
6pm, citing his actions and comments at Christmas and how you
wanted to prevent him for getting hungry if he had to wait until
7pm to eat. And I'd be sorely tempted not to set a place at the
table for him for the 7pm dinner, as he will already have eaten.
#Post#: 22419--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: LeslieF Date: December 27, 2018, 7:10 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Too late now, but if your sister and BIL were staying close to
your mom's house, could your sister not have asked someone else
for a ride so she could stay and visit a bit longer?
#Post#: 22423--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 7:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=SecretSauce link=topic=898.msg22419#msg22419
date=1545959438]
Too late now, but if your sister and BIL were staying close to
your mom's house, could your sister not have asked someone else
for a ride so she could stay and visit a bit longer?
[/quote]
I offered! And before she could speak, he said, "No, that'd wake
me up" (her coming in later). I think she didn't want to make a
scene in front of us but I get the feeling they had an argument
after they left. I really think he has a lot of anger in him and
expresses it in a very manipulative way, but is one of those
people that will claim he is fine when called on it.
#Post#: 22441--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: mime Date: December 28, 2018, 12:38 am
---------------------------------------------------------
You were the host and you did your best.
I can understand a guest's frustration when they agreed to a
meal for an hour later than they prefer, and then had to wait
almost another hour beyond that. Complaining like a child is not
cool, though.
It looks to me like you're both stuck-- each insisting on your
own way, and unhappy to go along with the other, for whatever
reasons, legitimate or not.
I'd look for ways to get together with your sister that don't
involve meals. Or other people you don't even like.
It may be that a big family meal just isn't possible with this
family dynamic. Out of curiosity: what did you expect to come
from the 7:00 meal, if it was served on time? We're you
expecting that he would be a new man and behave with appropriate
gratitude and manners? Were you expecting him to silently stew
over not getting his way? Or were you expecting him to behave as
he actually did-- like he's been catered to for too long? I
think this was doomed from the start, honestly. No matter how
on-time the turkey was, it wasn't going to change this guy's
behavior.
#Post#: 22466--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: katiekat2009 Date: December 28, 2018, 11:20 am
---------------------------------------------------------
For any further meals, I would have to be frank with him. "BIL,
I know you like to eat at 6 pm as you've said many times.
However, you DO NOT get to decide what time someone else will
host the meal. If you can't attend, I will understand. But, I
WILL NOT run around catering to your schedule." Perhaps, sister
will then come alone. For the record, though, I am another
person who gets low blood sugar. If the meal runs late, I hope
there would be appetizers.
#Post#: 22471--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Amara Date: December 28, 2018, 11:37 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with pjeans. This is just not a family dynamic that
makes a pleasant meal possible. Consider your plans for the 2019
holiday season (by that I mean all holidays including spring and
summer if you try to do family dinners then too). Think about
what might work and what you know won't work. Maybe you dislike
your BIL. Maybe he dislikes you. Or perhaps you can handle each
other if meals--a major thrusting point here--is removed. Maybe
it's just better if you do dessert or coffee afterward or
perhaps move the Christmas family meal to breakfast that day.
But I see this as a major opportunity to re-think the tradition
you have now that is obviously not working.
#Post#: 22493--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: swedishfish Date: December 28, 2018, 4:38 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Gosh, we usually eat 5pm. By 7:45pm, I'd have loaded up on so
many appetizers, I wouldn't need any dinner! lol But I'd never
be rude to my hostess about it. I'd probably turn down future
invites, or have a seriously late lunch to tide me over, though.
*****************************************************
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page