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#Post#: 22379--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 12:44 pm
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[quote author=Bada link=topic=898.msg22363#msg22363
date=1545929198]
What time do people usually eat where you are? I know 7:45
would be quite late for America, but very reasonable for Italy.
[/quote]
Good question; I had to google that as it does vary widely. I
don't know a lot of people that eat at 6 unless it's a family
with kids and a lot of extracurricular activities, ie eating a
quick supper at 6 before heading out to dance lessons or
something.
I'd say most people maybe 6:30 - 7 on a weeknight. I frequently
eat at 9 or 10 because as a single person it takes me that long
to get home, including stops en route for groceries and checking
in on an elderly parent, and make the meal once I am home.
Unlike him, no spouse getting all that done for me. I wouldn't
inflict 9 or 10PM mealtimes on other people though.
I'd say at a sit-down meal with friends at someone's home,
rarely would that be served much before 7, and anything from 7
to 8 would be the norm. After 8 would be considered late but
nobody would gripe about it.
#Post#: 22380--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Aleko Date: December 27, 2018, 12:53 pm
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[quote]There are some people who simple can't eat close to 2
hours after their normal meal time. I am one of them. Granted, I
don't whine about it. Much. ::) However, I do have to keep
snacks on me because I will get tired, cranky, hangry, and a
terrible migraine if I don't eat on time...there's also a good
chance my blood sugar will get too low and I am NOT diabetic.
Trust me when I say, you would not want to deal with me when I
am like this and I am normally a very wonderful person.
I think if you are planning a meal with someone who you know is
like this, it is kind to at least have some hefty/hearty
appetizers to tide them over. [/quote]
- which Raintree had done.
[quote]Also, you don't know everything about your BIL. HE very
well may have a medical condition you don't know about...or HE
doesn't know about. Not everyone gets a proper medical diagnosis
on things. Sometimes it can take years to get a medical
diagnosis even though you've had every symptom imaginable! So
try not to judge to harshly. There are at least 4 medical issues
I can think of off the top of my head that could cause the
things you've described about him.[/quote]
Very true. But none of that would justify rude, selfish,
childish behaviour such as Raintree describes. It's a bummer to
have physical limitations of this kind, whatever their cause:
but grown-up people who have them take ownership of the issue
and (a) take what precautions they can, such as catching a nap
beforehand and coming supplied with snacks or dextrose; and (b)
if caught out, as in the case of a meal unexpectedly being 45
minutes late, they ask nicely and apologetically 'I'm afraid my
system simply cannot wait that long - have you anything you can
possibly give me to snack on in the meantime?'
#Post#: 22382--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 1:03 pm
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He did in fact catch a nap beforehand, or, well, had a chance to
(not sure what he actually did). They were staying in a hotel
nearby and in the afternoon after stating all morning how tired
he was (the usual for him) he stated he had to go back there and
lie down for a bit. That was fine with me and I don't have an
issue with that. But when he came back and was going on about
being exhausted while eating dessert in the chair (and not at
the table), I did at one point say with surprise, "But you had a
nap this afternoon!!" (Because nobody else did, and nobody else,
not even my mother who is nearly 90 and has just beat cancer,
was complaining of being tired). He then stated that he hadn't
slept while he was back at the hotel. My theory is that he
hadn't actually needed to lie down, but to get away from all of
us for a spell. Again, I'm fine with that too - I am an
introvert and also need to get away from people. I find
Christmas exhausting and in the days following, always enjoy
some down time. But don't go away for your down time and then
come back to people who didn't have that, and start complaining
how tired you are.
#Post#: 22384--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Kiwipinball Date: December 27, 2018, 1:27 pm
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OP wasn't rude - cooking mistakes happen. As others have said,
45 minutes past the set time is late enough to make sure to have
other food out (compared to 5 minutes) which OP did. If I was
told I'd be eating at 7, I'd have trouble making it to 7:45, but
would be happy enough to snack. It may well fill me up to much
to eat the main course, which is unfortunate, but I get bad
shakes if I get too hungry. So BIL is obnoxious and PA and OP
was fine.
If someone regularly had food ready 45 minutes after the
promised time (and some people do), I'd eat most of my meal
before going. I'd be curious to know what time BIL's bedtime is
when he's at home. My sister prefers to be in bed at 8:30 if
it's at all possible. She doesn't get whiny about it or
anything, but that's her preferred bedtime. So if dinner was
served at 7:45, she'd also be getting very tired. My mom doesn't
go to bed quite so early, but also prefers 9-9:30 if possible.
Both of them get up on the early side (my mom very early) and
need their sleep. So it may not be that BIL is overly tired
compared to others, he just has an earlier schedule. I am not
tired at 10 PM, but my mom and sister are (if still awake). But
my mom is awake and not tired at 6 AM, while I'm ideally still
asleep. So some of it might be mismatched schedules. None of
that excuses BIL's behavior, of course.
#Post#: 22386--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: TootsNYC Date: December 27, 2018, 1:46 pm
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[quote] he will claim he "can't" eat any later or he gets really
ill. [/quote]
So basically you don't believe him? You think he's just saying
this because he likes to be in control, or it's all in his head?
I have been diagnosed w/ acid reflux, as has my husband, and one
thing we're finding is that if we eat too late, there will still
be food in our stomachs when we go to bed, and we have problems
because that valve at the top of the stomach won't hold, and
stomach acid will go up into the esophagus.
That causes a cough, and a risk of esophageal cancer. And in
some other people it causes heartburn or other symptoms.
So....
#Post#: 22389--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: highpriestess Date: December 27, 2018, 2:04 pm
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I think its immaterial if other people were not tired. That
doesn't make HIM not tired. You obviously don't like your bro in
law. But it doesn't make his complaints untrue or invalid.
Doesn't mean you need to cow-tow to him either but they can
still be legit
#Post#: 22390--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 2:07 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=898.msg22386#msg22386
date=1545939988]
[quote] he will claim he "can't" eat any later or he gets really
ill. [/quote]
So basically you don't believe him? You think he's just saying
this because he likes to be in control, or it's all in his head?
I have been diagnosed w/ acid reflux, as has my husband, and one
thing we're finding is that if we eat too late, there will still
be food in our stomachs when we go to bed, and we have problems
because that valve at the top of the stomach won't hold, and
stomach acid will go up into the esophagus.
That causes a cough, and a risk of esophageal cancer. And in
some other people it causes heartburn or other symptoms.
Yes, I don't believe him, based on his other ways of controlling
everyone, and based on the fact that I've seen him voluntarily
eat later (see my story above about the rice and beans). He can
eat later; he just doesn't want to. I've asked my sister what
happens to him if he eats later and she said "Oh, he just gets
really ill." Nothing specific. But he's always "ill" when he
doesn't want to do something; it's not just meals. Crying wolf
and all...
So....
[/quote]
#Post#: 22391--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: NFPwife Date: December 27, 2018, 2:09 pm
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[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=898.msg22386#msg22386
date=1545939988]
[quote] he will claim he "can't" eat any later or he gets really
ill. [/quote]
So basically you don't believe him? You think he's just saying
this because he likes to be in control, or it's all in his head?
I have been diagnosed w/ acid reflux, as has my husband, and one
thing we're finding is that if we eat too late, there will still
be food in our stomachs when we go to bed, and we have problems
because that valve at the top of the stomach won't hold, and
stomach acid will go up into the esophagus.
That causes a cough, and a risk of esophageal cancer. And in
some other people it causes heartburn or other symptoms.
So....
[/quote]
That's the first thing I thought of when he said he can't eat
late or he gets really ill. I think that combined with his
complaints of extreme fatigue warrant getting a thorough
physical. Enough that if I were you, Raintree, I'd suggest to my
sister that, when all his symptoms and complaints are considered
on the whole, he should really see a doctor.
That doesn't excuse his passive aggressiveness and downright
rudeness. Especially to the guest who accidentally turned off
the stove in his home. He seems to want a lot of attention and
catering to and your sister does it. Personally, I'd drop the
rope.
To the dinner time, I do intermittent fasting and would rather
not start a meal at 7:45 p.m. I do it when I'm at a conference
or have business obligations, but I really prefer to be finished
eating by 7:30 p.m. at the latest. If I were at someone's home,
I'd fully understand that things happen and adjust my eating
accordingly the next day.
Since Raintree had heavy apps out, there was no reason for BIL
to complain he was famished or to dig into sides so rudely.
#Post#: 22394--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Girlie Date: December 27, 2018, 2:29 pm
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There are loads of people in this world with all sorts of
illnesses, dietary needs, and an increased need for additional
rest and sleep who don't spend their time whining about every
inconvenience set before them. This leads me to two
possibilities:
1. BIL has, quite possibly, expressed his needs in the distant
past and been ignored, causing him to become ill or
what-have-you. He has since learned that he must constantly
repeat himself in order to be heard. This wasn't necessarily a
lesson learned from OP's family - it could be something he
learned from his own parents, even. This situation, while I
would find it annoying, would give me more sympathy for him
simply because he may not realize that he is being heard,
listened to, and now must learn to compromise. People like this
can still learn to curb their behavior, and often will when they
find out how much they are bothering someone else.
2. BIL is a spoiled brat. Not much can be done.
In any case, I think OP did the best she can.
#Post#: 22396--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: iolaus Date: December 27, 2018, 2:34 pm
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He was rude there is no question about that
However I wonder whether with the clear dislike of BIL on here
showing whether he is aware of it and feels the OP was
deliberately pushing back the meal to teach him a lesson / spite
him (please note I'm not saying she did but I could see the BIL
thinking she was)
If he usually goes to sleep early then eating that time could be
extremely late for him, I couldn't eat a heavy meal an hour or
so before going to sleep
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