DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Holidays
*****************************************************
#Post#: 22337--------------------------------------------------
Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 12:54 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I made the Christmas dinner this year, not at my place but at my
mother's. My sister and BIL were there from out of town (about 2
hours away). BIL has a long history of being a control freak and
rather PA about it. I've never been the one cooking for him
before; usually if I spend it with them, it's been at their
place and my sister does most of the work and panders to his
wishes about when to eat. It's well known in our family that he
likes to eat at 6 and he will claim he "can't" eat any later or
he gets really ill.
So when we all meet at a restaurant for dinner, the reservation
has to be at 6 PM or even earlier to make sure he eats by 6. To
me this means I must cut whatever I'm doing short to meet that
deadline for dinner. I've certainly used the "I'm afraid that
won't be possible" line before and managed to get the deadline
extended to 6:30, but in that case he's usually already ordered
an appetizer and begun eating by the time everyone else arrives.
I might add that every single time we all get together I've had
to rearrange my schedule, often at great inconvenience, to suit
his whims, and I've put up with it in order to keep the peace
with my sister, who bends over backwards to pander to him. It's
been going on for years, and I've given up other things I wanted
to be doing to make our schedules work (ie meet his demands so I
can see my sister).
That was the background, and now the current topic: Christmas.
As I mentioned I was doing the meal this time, including the
shopping. I told my mother ahead of time that I sure as heck
wasn't going to have it ready by 6, and my mother agreed, oh
hell no, she hates eating at 6.
Two days before Christmas my sister emails me to ask if we can
have dinner ready by 6, because BIL likes to eat early. I
replied that I "couldn't eat that early", and our mother didn't
want to either, but I'd be sure to time it for 7 and there would
be snacks for anyone who couldn't last that long. Plus, as I was
also doing all the shopping and prep, AND working right up to
and including Christmas Eve, I wanted a brief respite on
Christmas Day of maybe an hour or two to go for a walk rather
than race up right after lunch to prepare dinner. She replied
and said 7 was fine, and that they were looking forward to it.
I can't even tell you how much effort I put into shopping,
selecting excellent ingredients, advance prep, making things
from scratch for lunch and dinner and dessert. Not for him, but
because I love doing it and making a fabulous meal. And I love
turkey dinners and wanted it to be extra good. Especially since
it would be the last one in my mother's place before she sells
it and goes to a senior's home. I was pretty tired by Christmas
Day and glad for that brief period of rest in the afternoon
before starting to cook again.
Well I honestly tried, and I didn't do this on purpose, but
there was a timing error with the turkey. I thought it would be
cooked by 6:30 and we could take it out and do the gravy, etc.,
and carve and then eat at 7. But by that time the turkey didn't
look remotely cooked and the thermometer confirmed that it was
still going to be quite a while. BIL said rather pointedly, "I'm
starving." And then kept stating how hungry he was, over and
over, and how tired, and how he'd been so exhausted all day
(while doing nothing) and that it was nearly his bed time. At
one point I said out loud, "Hmm, everyone else seems to be
managing OK." Then he said he had been just teasing us and
didn't mind what time we had dinner. Then made more "jokes"
about going to the local fast food outlet to pick up some
dinner. I told him "jokingly" that he should go right ahead, and
also "joked" that we could set up a children's table for him
next year with some hot dogs and other easy to eat food. He
laughed. Normally I'd have silently rolled my eyes and not
"joked" like that but I have to say, having catered to his
schedule for many years I was just done. Also, there were plenty
of crackers and cheese out.
It reached the proper temperature by 7:30 and I wasn't cutting
that beautiful turkey until it has rested 15 minutes (every good
cook knows that meat needs to rest before carving, to preserve
the juices). All that care and precision, not going to sabotage
it by cutting it too soon. Besides, my sister and I were using
that time to put the sides on the table which had been keeping
warm in the oven, make gravy etc. Now he was jumping up and
down, "starving" and grabbed a plate and said, "I'm going to
have some of those mashed potatoes while I wait." He proceeded
to take some potatoes and some of the stuffing and eat it while
we were still in the kitchen scrambling to get dinner served.
We were all sat down to eat by 7:45 PM and the dinner was
really, really good, and it was finally time for me to get some
enjoyment out of it. He took a really small portion because he'd
already had some mashed potatoes, finished really quickly, and
then went on about how exhausted he was and that he'd need to
get going soon because he wanted to get to bed. (Note, he is not
sick, but as long as I've known him he's been "exhausted" from
the get-go no matter what time of day). The rest of us were
still eating. I had seconds. He sat there waiting acting patient
but I felt I was being rushed through a meal I had worked very
hard to prepare with a lot of care to make it extra good. Not
once did he say anything like, "Oh, this is really good."
Main course ended and we went into the kitchen to get the
dessert out. I know he wanted some dessert otherwise perhaps he
would have left at that point, but when it was dished up he
stated he had to take it to eat on the living room chair,
because he was so tired.
Dessert was gobbled quickly and my mother went into the kitchen
to rinse out a couple of items; by the time she came back, and
this was within about 2 minutes of finishing dessert, he stood
up and announced he needed to leave. Which meant my sister did
too, even though I know she would have stayed on a bit.
And they left shortly after 8:30 PM with not a word of thanks
from him for the dinner.
My mother was furious. I was furious. I didn't go to all that
effort for accolades or to have anyone fall all over themselves
thanking me; I did it because I enjoy it and also to make the
dinner extra good for the last one in that home. But some kind
of acknowlegement of my effort would be nice instead of moaning
and complaining, grabbing food from the table before anyone else
had sat down, and dashing off as soon as the last forkful was
eaten. Or at least, you know, allow me to enjoy eating mine now
that I was finally able to sit?
I had previously expressed to a friend that I was sure BIL would
find a PA way to express his displeasure at not being served at
the time he wanted (6 PM). Am I right in thinking that this is
exactly what happened? Also, was it horribly awful of me to keep
people waiting till 7:45? Like I said, I didn't do it on
purpose; I followed all instructions for timing and it turned
out to be wrong. I've been at plenty of dinners in people's
homes where this sort of thing has happened, and never been in
the presence of anyone who complained about it. It's just one of
those things you suck up and make the best of it. I've also been
at lots of dinners where the meal was served at 8 or 9 or even
later. I'm just grateful for the hospitality and good food when
it does get served.
Just wondering now if I should just straight up tell him I am
angry with him or whether it was really rude of me to keep
people waiting till 7:45 to eat. If that's the case I will just
keep my mouth shut. Certainly not cooking for him again.
#Post#: 22341--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Aleko Date: December 27, 2018, 5:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Of course you weren't rude. Cooking accidents do happen, as you
yourself say. When this happened in other people's houses, did
you consider your hosts rude? Of course you didn't.
I think you handled BIL very well. If you can ever bring
yourself to invite him to a meal again, I'd say just do the
same. Or possibly just a touch less tolerantly. He really was
behaving like a small child - grown-up people, or even
well-brought-up older children, don't whine repeatedly about
being hungry or tired when you're obviously doing the best you
can to get a meal. You could justifiably respond as to a small
child: "Yes, BIL dear, I heard you the first time. Big sis is
cooking as fast as she can. Why don't you eat a nice piece of
cheese if you're so hungry?" And if pushed, why not put out a
kiddie table with some hot dogs, as you suggested? If he's that
much of a man-child - and has so little dignity - he might be
perfectly happy.
But you absolutely shouldn't stress about his not giving you any
thanks or compliments for the meal. Have you ever heard him
giving your over-indulgent sister any for the effort she puts
into pandering to his whims? I doubt it. If you don't expect
anything from a pig but a grunt, you'll find dealing with it a
lot less stressful.
#Post#: 22344--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Lkdrymom Date: December 27, 2018, 6:03 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Turkey is notoriously difficult to time. I had an issue with my
father and grandmother for family gatherings. As soon as we
would start setting out food they would be filling their plates
and shoveling it into their mouth. When I called them out on not
waiting for everyone they proclaimed they were hungry like a
child would. I pointed out we all were hungry. The following
year the LAST thing I put on the table was the silverware.
Worked perfectly.
#Post#: 22349--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 27, 2018, 8:11 am
---------------------------------------------------------
What do you anticipate the results of you expressing your anger
to be? If he is the sort of person to listen and take your
feelings to heart, it might be worth your time. However, I have
a sneaky feeling, that he won't. I see him making excuses. "I
was joking. Can't you take a joke?" "Everyone knows I must eat
at 6pm or I get ill." "You are being way too sensitive." I
suspect that his reaction will only anger you more. I think you
need to remember that you cannot control his behavior. It sounds
like you want to see your sister, so you are going to have to
deal with his behavior (at least during major holidays. Maybe at
other times there are ways to see your sister without him or
without a meal.) Serving dinner at 6pm might cut down on the
whining (although I do not think it will bring more appreciation
from him), but you need to decide if that adjustment is worth it
to YOU and others. Certainly some coping mechanisms (as
suggested by others) may be helpful. But I think the most useful
thing to me is to not kid myself that someone like this will
suddenly behave differently. I anticipate the behavior and let
it roll off me to the best of my ability.
#Post#: 22356--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Hanna Date: December 27, 2018, 9:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I would suggest to his [s]mommy[/s] wife that he take a nap and
have a snack earlier in the day whenever we were getting
together.
#Post#: 22357--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Chez Miriam Date: December 27, 2018, 9:10 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=898.msg22356#msg22356
date=1545922837]
I would suggest to his [s]mommy[/s] wife that he take a nap and
have a snack earlier in the day whenever we were getting
together.
[/quote]
^ This is spot on - handles the 'must eat early' and the
tiredness, and would give everyone else a break from what
sounded like incessant whingeing.
I'm sorry your efforts were 'pearls before swine'. :'(
#Post#: 22360--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Jem Date: December 27, 2018, 9:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
If this ever comes up again I would in fact put out simple food
for him. Some people really don’t care about food presentation
and would rather eat a hot dog at six than socialize and eat
fabulous fare at 7:45. Let him make his choice and encourage him
to shut up about it.
#Post#: 22363--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Bada Date: December 27, 2018, 10:46 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=898.msg22360#msg22360
date=1545926285]
If this ever comes up again I would in fact put out simple food
for him. Some people really don’t care about food presentation
and would rather eat a hot dog at six than socialize and eat
fabulous fare at 7:45. Let him make his choice and encourage him
to shut up about it.
[/quote]
But then, my fear is, since he had already eaten, would he
scream for dessert and then force his wife to leave early since
he was tired?
Has he ever been diagnosed with a medical condition? It's not
normal to be complaining about how tired you are all the time.
What time do people usually eat where you are? I know 7:45
would be quite late for America, but very reasonable for Italy.
#Post#: 22372--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Dazi Date: December 27, 2018, 11:21 am
---------------------------------------------------------
There are some people who simple can't eat close to 2 hours
after their normal meal time. I am one of them. Granted, I don't
whine about it. Much. ::) However, I do have to keep snacks on
me because I will get tired, cranky, hangry, and a terrible
migraine if I don't eat on time...there's also a good chance my
blood sugar will get too low and I am NOT diabetic. Trust me
when I say, you would not want to deal with me when I am like
this and I am normally a very wonderful person.
I think if you are planning a meal with someone who you know is
like this, it is kind to at least have some hefty/hearty
appetizers to tide them over.
Also, you don't know everything about your BIL. HE very well may
have a medical condition you don't know about...or HE doesn't
know about. Not everyone gets a proper medical diagnosis on
things. Sometimes it can take years to get a medical diagnosis
even though you've had every symptom imaginable! So try not to
judge to harshly. There are at least 4 medical issues I can
think of off the top of my head that could cause the things
you've described about him.
#Post#: 22377--------------------------------------------------
Re: Late dinner, impatient guest
By: Raintree Date: December 27, 2018, 12:27 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
He has not been diagnosed with a medical condition that I know
of. He has, however, gone on about "I'm so exhausted, I'm so
tired" whenever he gets bored, but somehow finds the energy for
the things HE is interested in and has a full time career he
works hard at.
I've met diabetics and people with other medical conditions that
were far more flexible than he is, because they do just that -
they know what their needs are and they plan for it by having
snacks on hand, or timing their earlier meals accordingly. I
think he is just a whiner.
One time at their house there was a similar problem with the
turkey (someone accidentally turned off the oven) and he made a
huge production out of it, trying to guilt the guest who had
turned it off by mistake, and saying, "Oh I can't eat that late.
I'll have to have some rice and beans." There were SO many
appetizers out and everyone else shrugged and said it was fine
because we could nibble on those. I think he indicated he
couldn't eat appetizers (veggies, dip, cheese, crackers, bread,
hummus, etc) because he needed the actual meal at 6, so he then
made sure everyone noticed he was making/eating rice and beans
at 6 because he wasn't going to be able to partake in the big
meal now. And then he did partake in the big meal as well.
That incident a few years back made me want to serve at 7
instead even more. Sorry if that sounds mean but please know
it's not the ONLY reason. It was also because NOBODY else likes
eating at 6, and because it would mean no break to enjoy the
day, so I made a decision that he was not going to dictate a 6
PM deadline this time when he wasn't the one cooking it.
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page