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#Post#: 22058--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: LadyRexall Date: December 21, 2018, 3:24 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=882.msg21914#msg21914
date=1545293794]
MIL's request amounts to: "I don't like your coleslaw. Next
time, don't make it: just do the donkey work of preparing the
ingredients for me to make my (better) coleslaw". There is no
way that that isn't insulting. It's also unnecessary. Cabbage is
cheap and shredding it is about as quick as a kitchen job gets,
so if she wants to have her version on the table, getting you to
shred it for her isn't a significant saving of either money or
effort. All she had to do was say "I'll do slaw this time.
Perhaps you could bring something else - how about some of your
lovely sugar cookies? Or what do you suggest?"
But it does not follow that MIL was deliberately insulting you.
There are people with brains so badly wired that, faced with the
problem "Don't like Hanna's nasty creamy coleslaw dressing. Want
coleslaw at my next dinner, but not dressed with that",
genuinely the only solution they can see is to ask you to bring
coleslaw-without-the-nasty-dressing. They lack (a) the mental
flexibility to see that you don't have to bring coleslaw, that
they could perfectly well ask you to bring something else, and
(b) the empathy to envisage how their request would come across.
I once had a team leader like that, dear God, and have the scars
to prove it. I am certain she was quite a long way along the
Aspergers spectrum (and that was the kindest thing any member of
the team had to say about her). Her solutions to problems were
often quite as dumb and offensive as that, and she never had a
clue how much her team wanted to thump her when she came out
with them.
But, whether she really wants to offend or just has the brains
and sensitivity of a brick, it is too small an issue to be worth
causing a family ruction over. I think your options are two:
(A) Do just what she asks: bring a whomping bag of shredded
cabbage, hand it over and let her dress it herself. Sit back and
enjoy the gathering (and whatever on the table you can eat), and
if anyone asks "Haven't you brought any of your lovely creamy
coleslaw?" you can legitimately say "No, MIL felt
oil-and-vinegar dressed was better".
(B) Laugh merrily and say "Oh, but shredding cabbage hardly
takes a minute, and undressed shredded cabbage would only go
limp in the car. If you'd rather serve your lovely non-creamy
coleslaw, it'll be far better and crisper if you shred it
yourself just the way you like it. I'll make something else to
bring - how about a plate of my sugar cookies?"
For my money, bringing some of your creamy coleslaw as well as
the shredded cabbage would be just as insulting as her request
not to bring it. One etiquette rule about pot lucks is, surely,
not to bring something the host has specifically asked you not
to bring! Also: if you insist on putting your own coleslaw on
the table for everyone alongside hers, you will be seen -
correctly - as trying to prove the point that it's as good and
as popular as hers, if not better; and if you were to bring a
portion for yourself, that would clearly signal "I don't like
your nasty underdressed coleslaw, or anything else you serve, so
I've brought some of my own (better) food to eat". Don't do it.
Edited to add: I have been (rightly) pulled up for being
unsympathetic to Asperger's sufferers, and implying that they
behave in "dumb and offensive" way. I didn't mean to do that.
But it is sadly true that many people with serious Asperger's
have immense difficulty in interpreting, let alone anticipating,
how their behaviour will come across to others. I have a nephew
who is constantly giving unintentional offence in social
interactions for just that reason. And - again like my
supervisor - he has almost no capacity for backtracking from an
unwanted situation and thinking "If we just took a different
approach, could this be made better?" As a result his proffered
solutions genuinely do look dumb and unreasonable to anyone who
doesn't know his condition.
[/quote]
Do t worry, I won’t bring raw cabbage plus my coleslaw.
Everything in my being says that’s bad and maybe pa. Everything
in my being also says not to bring stuff that she’s not asked
for (like sugar cookies). So a few bags of shredded cabbage will
be presented lol.
#Post#: 22059--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: LadyRexall Date: December 21, 2018, 3:29 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[list][quote author=nuku link=topic=882.msg21944#msg21944
date=1545325372]
Yeah, this is odd. If she prefers the oil and vinegar kind (and
I understand that people who like coleslaw often have strong
feelings about it), but other people clearly do, she could just
ask you to make both kinds. (And as someone pointed out above,
cabbage is pretty cheap.)
I see three options:
[list type=decimal]
[li]Suggest making two types of coleslaw.[/li]
[li]Bring a bag of grocery store shredded cabbage and nothing
else.[/li][/list]
[li]Ask your MIL what you can bring in addition to the cabbage.
[/li][/list]
It's funny, because I've never been to a holiday party with
coleslaw. I associate it more with cookouts. (I assume you live
in a different part of the world than I do, where hearty
cold-weather food is what we want for Christmas. ;D)
[/quote]
I’ve never heard of coleslaw at holidays either. To me it is
summer food that perfectly suits a cookout! That’s me though.
Obviously she must like slaw though.
#Post#: 22060--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: LadyRexall Date: December 21, 2018, 3:32 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=pjeans link=topic=882.msg21930#msg21930
date=1545320426]
I agree with the PP who said that bringing your own will likely
come across as returning the jab that MIL made in 'demoting' you
to plain cabbage. First of all, having your two coleslaw options
side by side will feel competitive. Also, MIL is the host and
asked you to *not* bring it.
It does impress me as petty that she's gradually excluded you
from making a significant contribution when its something you
enjoy doing so much. It may also be true that she has her own
ideas and traditions, and when she hosts, she wants whatever
types of food (and dressings) are nostalgic/meaningful/tasty to
her, and as the host she has the right to include those things
and exclude the things that she doesn't want.
OP: in the bigger picture, does she make a habit of undercutting
you? Does she take extra pride in her own cooking, where she
feels competitive with others? Do the other ladies who are asked
to contribute also get cut back to uninteresting or uncreative
things as well?
If I were in your shoes, I'd bring what the host asked: shredded
cabbage. If anyone asked me what I made this year, I'd be
honest: "oh, MIL didn't need anything from me! have you tried
the bean dip?" (no need to mention the cabbage, as picking up an
ingredient is more of an errand than a contribution). If you
find there's not much you can or will eat, make sure you eat
beforehand, and keep a snack tucked in your purse for later.
Chalk it up to a meal that isn't to your liking, that you attend
because you want to spend time with this family.
--and consider finding others who appreciate your cooking--
bring treats to work or other events instead?
[/quote]
Mil does seem a bit competitive about cooking. Everyone loves
another sil carrot dish and mil is visibly miffed about that
often making “jokes” about her carrots being good enough for all
these years and showing sil how to make carrots and now everyone
prefers sil carrots over her own. She still asked that sil to
bring carrots though, so it’s not really undercutting her.
#Post#: 22069--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: TootsNYC Date: December 21, 2018, 6:02 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=882.msg21906#msg21906
date=1545273056]
I don’t know of any way to take this that would sit right with
me. I like your DH’s advice. I’d probably make cabbage the way
I like it and also bring some not dressed so she can do what she
likes with it. But that seems passive aggressive, I guess.
[/quote]
In fact, I would go so far as to head to the grocery store to
see if I could BUY shredded cabbage. That's pretty much what she
deserves.
And boy howdy, am I with you on this!
[quote] she asked if I ever diverted from the creamy coleslaw
and did the oil and vinegar kind. I said no because I don’t like
that kind and if I’m asked to make xyz, I’ll do it the way I
like it so I can actually eat it.[/quote]
I will NOT cook things that I don't like. If I'm putting energy
into it, it has to be something I will eat.
My MIL will make foods that make her nauseous to smell, just
because she knows it's someone's favorite dish. That's nice, but
it sure as hell isn't anything *I* will do. You can have your
[shrimp or whatever] at some other place. I won't be cooking it
for you.
Now, I'll try to cook something you WILL enjoy, but it will be
something that I enjoy eating.
I think your MIL is kind of rude here.
So disengage. Don't put any effort into it; just buy shredded
cabbage for her and bring it.
And bring whatever OTHER dish you would enjoy making and
sharing--without MIL's permission. It doesn't have to be the
coleslaw. Just don't make it big--make it 4 or 6 servings.
#Post#: 22120--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: oogyda Date: December 23, 2018, 7:19 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I have a dear friend who believes she is a good cook in general,
and has a few dishes that she is famous for.....as in, everyone
says hers are the best they've ever had and people would be
crushed if she didn't make/bring them.
Those dishes include:
Caramel rolls: IMO, they are okay. I think they need to be
left to rise after being rolled out, but she's usually rushing
to get them done and make it to church on time.
German potato salad: It's okay, but nothing special.
Carrot cake: This is the one she's most "famous" for and makes
a lot of them for Christmas goodies. I can't stand it. It's
far too wet and heavy and the flavor is not good. Even my DH
doesn't like it and he pretty much likes anything sweet.
Am I ever going to tell her this? Nope.
#Post#: 22124--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: December 23, 2018, 10:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Bring her a few bags of cabbage, and let her make her coleslaw.
When people ask where your creamy coleslaw is, tell them the
truth, let MIL deal with it from there.
#Post#: 22135--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: kckgirl Date: December 23, 2018, 12:05 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=882.msg22069#msg22069
date=1545436946]
I think your MIL is kind of rude here.
So disengage. Don't put any effort into it; just buy shredded
cabbage for her and bring it.
[/quote]
I agree with this, and leave it in the bags from the store
#Post#: 22136--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Jem Date: December 23, 2018, 12:08 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=882.msg22135#msg22135
date=1545588321]
[quote author=TootsNYC link=topic=882.msg22069#msg22069
date=1545436946]
I think your MIL is kind of rude here.
So disengage. Don't put any effort into it; just buy shredded
cabbage for her and bring it.
[/quote]
I agree with this, and leave it in the bags from the store
[/quote]
Yep - I love the leaving it in the bags from the store! Even
better if past the expiration date! Okay, don’t do that part...
#Post#: 22139--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Hanna Date: December 23, 2018, 2:24 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=882.msg22120#msg22120
date=1545571150]
I have a dear friend who believes she is a good cook in general,
and has a few dishes that she is famous for.....as in, everyone
says hers are the best they've ever had and people would be
crushed if she didn't make/bring them.
Those dishes include:
Caramel rolls: IMO, they are okay. I think they need to be
left to rise after being rolled out, but she's usually rushing
to get them done and make it to church on time.
German potato salad: It's okay, but nothing special.
Carrot cake: This is the one she's most "famous" for and makes
a lot of them for Christmas goodies. I can't stand it. It's
far too wet and heavy and the flavor is not good. Even my DH
doesn't like it and he pretty much likes anything sweet.
Am I ever going to tell her this? Nope.
[/quote]
Is this a passive way of suggesting the OP is probably not a
good cook?
#Post#: 22141--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Bales Date: December 23, 2018, 3:55 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=882.msg22139#msg22139
date=1545596672]
[quote author=oogyda link=topic=882.msg22120#msg22120
date=1545571150]
I have a dear friend who believes she is a good cook in general,
and has a few dishes that she is famous for.....as in, everyone
says hers are the best they've ever had and people would be
crushed if she didn't make/bring them.
Those dishes include:
Caramel rolls: IMO, they are okay. I think they need to be
left to rise after being rolled out, but she's usually rushing
to get them done and make it to church on time.
German potato salad: It's okay, but nothing special.
Carrot cake: This is the one she's most "famous" for and makes
a lot of them for Christmas goodies. I can't stand it. It's
far too wet and heavy and the flavor is not good. Even my DH
doesn't like it and he pretty much likes anything sweet.
Am I ever going to tell her this? Nope.
[/quote]
Is this a passive way of suggesting the OP is probably not a
good cook?
[/quote]
I think the point was that "good cook" is subjective and like
beauty, in the eye of the beholder (or mouth of the taster, in
this case.)
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