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#Post#: 21864--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: jazzgirl205 Date: December 19, 2018, 12:48 pm
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I had a similar situation when my SIL entertained for the
holidays and all of her husband's relations were in attendance.
I think my situation had to do with cultures and ethnicities.
I'm of Irish/Greek/Mexican descent. My family will try any type
of food without fear and will try new recipes all the time. They
see a meal as a gift of love.
My dh's and BIL's families are from good country stock and think
that food should be very familiar and unchanging. At
Thanksgiving, there are several bowls of stuffing because the
men will only eat the stuffing their wives make and no one
else's. I've brought rolls with a ball of hand churned butter
flavored with fresh herbs from my garden - not even touched.
I've watched as my made from scratch cranberry sauce just sits
there while the guests load up on the canned offering. Everyone
else thinks I am a wonderful cook and several of my dishes are
requested for parties. However, at these gatherings, no one eats
anything I make and my food isn't really that odd. They just
won't try anything even slightly new to them. Nowadays, I arrive
empty handed and enjoy the company.
Maybe that's the case in your situation.
#Post#: 21866--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: GardenGal Date: December 19, 2018, 1:26 pm
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[quote author=jazzgirl205 link=topic=882.msg21864#msg21864
date=1545245311]
I had a similar situation when my SIL entertained for the
holidays and all of her husband's relations were in attendance.
I think my situation had to do with cultures and ethnicities.
I'm of Irish/Greek/Mexican descent. My family will try any type
of food without fear and will try new recipes all the time. They
see a meal as a gift of love.
My dh's and BIL's families are from good country stock and think
that food should be very familiar and unchanging. At
Thanksgiving, there are several bowls of stuffing because the
men will only eat the stuffing their wives make and no one
else's. I've brought rolls with a ball of hand churned butter
flavored with fresh herbs from my garden - not even touched.
I've watched as my made from scratch cranberry sauce just sits
there while the guests load up on the canned offering. Everyone
else thinks I am a wonderful cook and several of my dishes are
requested for parties. However, at these gatherings, no one eats
anything I make and my food isn't really that odd. They just
won't try anything even slightly new to them. Nowadays, I arrive
empty handed and enjoy the company.
Maybe that's the case in your situation.
[/quote]
I think you're smart to not bring food that won't be
appreciated. Decades ago my DH and I were friends with another
couple, and the husband would only eat what he was familiar
with, and he didn't have a very large range of even that. No
problem - he was happy with what he liked and the rest of us ate
what we liked.
#Post#: 21884--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: HenrysMom Date: December 19, 2018, 2:54 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Personally, I wouldn’t waste my energy in bringing food that’s
obviously not appreciated by the hostess, in this case, your
MIL. Knowing how she feels about your cooking, I wouldn’t want
to go, but since you’re apparently committed, I’d take a whole
mess of shredded cabbage and not lift another finger.
#Post#: 21895--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: LadyRexall Date: December 19, 2018, 4:47 pm
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[quote author=TeamBhakta link=topic=882.msg21819#msg21819
date=1545171157]
No offense, but is it possible people told your MIL privately "I
didn't like what dish(es) she brought ?" Or she noticed people
were only picking at it ? After all, other guests know it's
politer to say "Gee, I am having some of your slaw, Karen! It's
amazing!" or "I will try it later, thanks!", not " It was yucky!
I hate creamy coleslaw!" Doesn't necessarily mean you are a bad
cook if you're asked to bring something else. It's just
important to compromise sometimes when you're cooking for a
group & you aren't the hostess planning the party.
[/quote]
Either they really like my cooking or are two faced people who
overly praise poorly made food. One relative that usually
refuses chicken tried a piece of mine as everyone was raving
about it and proclaimed it the best chicken he’s ever had. The
coleslaw is usually a big hit. Food snob bil specifically asked
to take some home for lunch the next day (no need to ask, we all
pack up whichever leftovers we’d like). Usually there’s not a
lot of my food left over.
#Post#: 21897--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: LadyRexall Date: December 19, 2018, 4:51 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=882.msg21825#msg21825
date=1545182411]
I'd bring the shredded cabbage and then make a coleslaw the way
you like and take it too. If she makes a comment, just say that
you prefer creamy coleslaw.
So what does your husband think is the issue? How is your
relationship otherwise? Does she maybe think you enjoy showing
off your cooking skills too much? Are you contributions more
elaborate than what others are bringing or she is making? My
sister and her DH are not interested in experiencing new foods
and really liked very basic items so when making something for
them.
[/quote]
Husband doesn’t quite understand either. He said to make
shredded cabbage and to make something which I might enjoy to
offer (like homemade sugar cookies)
#Post#: 21906--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Hanna Date: December 19, 2018, 8:30 pm
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I don’t know of any way to take this that would sit right with
me. I like your DH’s advice. I’d probably make cabbage the way
I like it and also bring some not dressed so she can do what she
likes with it. But that seems passive aggressive, I guess.
Is your MIL ok other than this?
#Post#: 21914--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Aleko Date: December 20, 2018, 2:16 am
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MIL's request amounts to: "I don't like your coleslaw. Next
time, don't make it: just do the donkey work of preparing the
ingredients for me to make my (better) coleslaw". There is no
way that that isn't insulting. It's also unnecessary. Cabbage is
cheap and shredding it is about as quick as a kitchen job gets,
so if she wants to have her version on the table, getting you to
shred it for her isn't a significant saving of either money or
effort. All she had to do was say "I'll do slaw this time.
Perhaps you could bring something else - how about some of your
lovely sugar cookies? Or what do you suggest?"
But it does not follow that MIL was deliberately insulting you.
There are people with brains so badly wired that, faced with the
problem "Don't like Hanna's nasty creamy coleslaw dressing. Want
coleslaw at my next dinner, but not dressed with that",
genuinely the only solution they can see is to ask you to bring
coleslaw-without-the-nasty-dressing. They lack (a) the mental
flexibility to see that you don't have to bring coleslaw, that
they could perfectly well ask you to bring something else, and
(b) the empathy to envisage how their request would come across.
I once had a team leader like that, dear God, and have the scars
to prove it. I am certain she was quite a long way along the
Aspergers spectrum (and that was the kindest thing any member of
the team had to say about her). Her solutions to problems were
often quite as dumb and offensive as that, and she never had a
clue how much her team wanted to thump her when she came out
with them.
But, whether she really wants to offend or just has the brains
and sensitivity of a brick, it is too small an issue to be worth
causing a family ruction over. I think your options are two:
(A) Do just what she asks: bring a whomping bag of shredded
cabbage, hand it over and let her dress it herself. Sit back and
enjoy the gathering (and whatever on the table you can eat), and
if anyone asks "Haven't you brought any of your lovely creamy
coleslaw?" you can legitimately say "No, MIL felt
oil-and-vinegar dressed was better".
(B) Laugh merrily and say "Oh, but shredding cabbage hardly
takes a minute, and undressed shredded cabbage would only go
limp in the car. If you'd rather serve your lovely non-creamy
coleslaw, it'll be far better and crisper if you shred it
yourself just the way you like it. I'll make something else to
bring - how about a plate of my sugar cookies?"
For my money, bringing some of your creamy coleslaw as well as
the shredded cabbage would be just as insulting as her request
not to bring it. One etiquette rule about pot lucks is, surely,
not to bring something the host has specifically asked you not
to bring! Also: if you insist on putting your own coleslaw on
the table for everyone alongside hers, you will be seen -
correctly - as trying to prove the point that it's as good and
as popular as hers, if not better; and if you were to bring a
portion for yourself, that would clearly signal "I don't like
your nasty underdressed coleslaw, or anything else you serve, so
I've brought some of my own (better) food to eat". Don't do it.
Edited to add: I have been (rightly) pulled up for being
unsympathetic to Asperger's sufferers, and implying that they
behave in "dumb and offensive" way. I didn't mean to do that.
But it is sadly true that many people with serious Asperger's
have immense difficulty in interpreting, let alone anticipating,
how their behaviour will come across to others. I have a nephew
who is constantly giving unintentional offence in social
interactions for just that reason. And - again like my
supervisor - he has almost no capacity for backtracking from an
unwanted situation and thinking "If we just took a different
approach, could this be made better?" As a result his proffered
solutions genuinely do look dumb and unreasonable to anyone who
doesn't know his condition.
#Post#: 21925--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: Hmmm Date: December 20, 2018, 8:33 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=LadyRexall link=topic=882.msg21897#msg21897
date=1545259906]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=882.msg21825#msg21825
date=1545182411]
I'd bring the shredded cabbage and then make a coleslaw the way
you like and take it too. If she makes a comment, just say that
you prefer creamy coleslaw.
So what does your husband think is the issue? How is your
relationship otherwise? Does she maybe think you enjoy showing
off your cooking skills too much? Are you contributions more
elaborate than what others are bringing or she is making? My
sister and her DH are not interested in experiencing new foods
and really liked very basic items so when making something for
them.
[/quote]
Husband doesn’t quite understand either. He said to make
shredded cabbage and to make something which I might enjoy to
offer (like homemade sugar cookies)
[/quote]
Well, it sounds like it is pretty much just MIL who either
doesn't like your style of cooking or is jealous of the
adoration you receive from others. So I'd do as your DH
suggested and bring 2 contributions. And next year, don't ask
what you can bring, just bring what you want to bring. If she
assigns you something, respond that your DH will be contributing
that. (It annoys me when it is expected that only the women
contribute to a meal.)
#Post#: 21930--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: mime Date: December 20, 2018, 9:40 am
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with the PP who said that bringing your own will likely
come across as returning the jab that MIL made in 'demoting' you
to plain cabbage. First of all, having your two coleslaw options
side by side will feel competitive. Also, MIL is the host and
asked you to *not* bring it.
It does impress me as petty that she's gradually excluded you
from making a significant contribution when its something you
enjoy doing so much. It may also be true that she has her own
ideas and traditions, and when she hosts, she wants whatever
types of food (and dressings) are nostalgic/meaningful/tasty to
her, and as the host she has the right to include those things
and exclude the things that she doesn't want.
OP: in the bigger picture, does she make a habit of undercutting
you? Does she take extra pride in her own cooking, where she
feels competitive with others? Do the other ladies who are asked
to contribute also get cut back to uninteresting or uncreative
things as well?
If I were in your shoes, I'd bring what the host asked: shredded
cabbage. If anyone asked me what I made this year, I'd be
honest: "oh, MIL didn't need anything from me! have you tried
the bean dip?" (no need to mention the cabbage, as picking up an
ingredient is more of an errand than a contribution). If you
find there's not much you can or will eat, make sure you eat
beforehand, and keep a snack tucked in your purse for later.
Chalk it up to a meal that isn't to your liking, that you attend
because you want to spend time with this family.
--and consider finding others who appreciate your cooking--
bring treats to work or other events instead?
#Post#: 21944--------------------------------------------------
Re: Asking a good cook to bring shredded cabbage as their contri
bution.
By: nuku Date: December 20, 2018, 11:02 am
---------------------------------------------------------
Yeah, this is odd. If she prefers the oil and vinegar kind (and
I understand that people who like coleslaw often have strong
feelings about it), but other people clearly do, she could just
ask you to make both kinds. (And as someone pointed out above,
cabbage is pretty cheap.)
I see three options:
[list type=decimal]
[li]Suggest making two types of coleslaw.[/li]
[li]Bring a bag of grocery store shredded cabbage and nothing
else.[/li][/list]
[li]Ask your MIL what you can bring in addition to the cabbage.
[/li][/list]
It's funny, because I've never been to a holiday party with
coleslaw. I associate it more with cookouts. (I assume you live
in a different part of the world than I do, where hearty
cold-weather food is what we want for Christmas. ;D)
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