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#Post#: 21052--------------------------------------------------
What should I have done here?
DIR By: Victoria
Date: December 10, 2018, 2:26 pm
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Before I met them, my friends Stephanie and John got married to
each other in the wintertime. As a result they have a ton of
blue, white, and silver decorations that they bring out every
year. Yesterday they invited me over for dinner, and got
sidetracked explaining the history behind all their decorations
and what they had been used for during the wedding. This quickly
devolved into "Oh, remember [Wedding Thing Victoria Never Saw]
with [Wedding Guest Victoria Never Met]?" and they pulled out
their wedding album of pictures. By this time a good 45 minutes
had gone by and i was starving. When I went into the kitchen to
grab a water bottle I saw a whole, uncooked chicken on the
counter next to a colander of uncooked green beans. At that
point I was insanely hungry (and the sight of raw food made me
realize that nothing could be ready for a good hour), so I
walked back out, drained the water bottle, and then made a
generic "Look at the time/I really have to be going" comment and
left about an hour after arriving, picking up Burger King on the
way home.
This isn't the first time that this type of situation has
happened with them. They're the kind of people who will invite
you for dinner at 6 pm and not sit down to eat until 8 pm, or
will invite you over mid-morning and not think to break for food
until 3 pm (which I did not witness, but heard about). I've also
incurred fees from canceling Uber rides because they weren't
ready to go at the agreed-upon time. I'm just not sure what to
do in these types of situations, particularly in ones where
nothing I say will make the event happen any faster. (As in, I
was too hungry to wait for food to cook, and I can't force them
to get ready faster when they're looking for something and are
only half dressed.)
#Post#: 21059--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: GreenBird
Date: December 10, 2018, 3:22 pm
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Since you know that they tend to serve a lot later than
promised, for invitations to dinner at their house, I'd eat
something before going there so it would be easier to withstand
the wait. I'd also keep a bar in my purse that I could snarf to
tide me over if necessary. In that moment when you were
ravenous and had nothing to eat with you, I think I would have
just confessed that gosh, I'm really hungry all of a sudden and
ask if they had any crackers and cheese or something to tide me
over until dinner. Unless you think that would have offended
them more than bailing before dinner was served, which must have
been a little startling to them.
#Post#: 21061--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Jem
Date: December 10, 2018, 3:31 pm
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Was it just the three of you in the situation you described in
the OP? Socializing before dinner is normal in my experience,
but how odd to not have hors d'ouerves or cocktails before
dinner if they intended to socialize for several hours. But also
think it was odd for you to leave an hour after arriving. What
did they say when you announced you were leaving? They were
making dinner and you left before they had a chance to serve it,
and long before it got to the point of "are we EVER going to
eat?"
In general, I think adults should be able to manage their hunger
so that a delay in eating times does not derail them entirely.
If you can't, then eat before social events so you can focus on
socializing rather than your hunger. Here I bet the hosts
assumed socializing before dinner, and frankly, I would have
expected socializing before dinner as opposed to
showupsitdowneat. But I also think gracious hosts let their
guests know what to expect for a timeline (similar to the other
thread about "arrive any time after noon....we'll plan to eat
between one and two...").
In the future, maybe meet at a restaurant.
#Post#: 21063--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Bada
Date: December 10, 2018, 3:47 pm
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Should the first paragraph say "Victoria" rather than [Other V
name]?
While I agree with Jem that it's typical to socialize before
eating, usually you socialize while the food is in the oven
cooking. Waiting to even start a whole chicken that will take
at least an hour is weird.
As for me, I've learned that I have a "three hour timer" for
social events. Unless I'm in a really small group of very close
friends or in my own home with a relatively small group of good
friends, once 3 hours hits, I start to get anxious to
leave--like skin crawling almost level, I get itchy and get
butterflies in my stomach. I don't even have to look at the
clock, I know it's been three hours because I get that anxious
feeling. So the thought of socializing about events I'd never
been to and people I'd never seen for however long...followed by
more socializing in that vein while the food actually
cooks...followed by more socializing over dinner...and then you
can't leave immediately after eating, so more socializing... I
totally give you a pass on leaving like you did. Although it
won't change how they are going forward--so before the next
event you may need to ask for some details about the plan to
make sure you're on the same page.
It doesn't help with Uber, though. I have one friend who is
*always* late. We're not super close anymore, but she
tangentially helped me meet my husband. I actually chose to not
ask her to be a bridesmaid, though, because I couldn't handle
the thought of dealing with her lateness (I never told her this
and ended up with a small wedding party, so I don't think it
even crossed her mind). Sometimes people lose out when they
choose to never be on time to stuff.
#Post#: 21066--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Victoria
Date: December 10, 2018, 3:56 pm
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--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> Was it just the three of you in the situation you described in
the OP? Socializing before dinner is normal in my experience,
but how odd to not have hors d'ouerves or cocktails before
dinner if they intended to socialize for several hours. But also
think it was odd for you to leave an hour after arriving. What
did they say when you announced you were leaving? They were
making dinner and you left before they had a chance to serve it,
and long before it got to the point of "are we EVER going to
eat?"
>
> In general, I think adults should be able to manage their
hunger so that a delay in eating times does not derail them
entirely. If you can't, then eat before social events so you can
focus on socializing rather than your hunger. Here I bet the
hosts assumed socializing before dinner, and frankly, I would
have expected socializing before dinner as opposed to
showupsitdowneat. But I also think gracious hosts let their
guests know what to expect for a timeline (similar to the other
thread about "arrive any time after noon....we'll plan to eat
between one and two...").
>
> In the future, maybe meet at a restaurant.
>
--- End Quote ---
In this instance the text said "Do you want to eat dinner at 5
pm at our house?" and I answered that I did, and they were aware
that I was at work all day beforehand. So when it was around
5:45 pm and I saw all the uncooked/unprepared food that would
have taken at least an hour to prepare and cook, I waited a few
more minutes and left when they showed no signs of stopping
their perusal of the decor. But I see your point and I think
that maybe "dinner at 5pm" is shorthand for "socializing for a
couple of hours starting at 5pm and then having dinner." They're
also used to my popping in and out for work reasons (and this
was a casual thing, so I didn't make a party come to a
screeching halt) so they didn't protest too much. On my way out
I heard Stephanie comment to John something like "Oh, I haven't
even put the chicken in yet."
Also Bada, yes it should say Victoria! I'll fix that.
#Post#: 21073--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: December 10, 2018, 4:12 pm
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I can understand being annoyed about being thrown into the role
of observer while they reminisce about their wedding. They do
not sound like people who are good about picking up cues that
someone else may not be as interested in their topic of
conversation. I think learning to get a topic changed takes
practice. You just need to continue to offer new topics of
conversation. For instance when talking about the guest you did
not know, you could ask how they knew the guest and then that
could take you down discussions of old jobs or college years.
As far as the late dinner, I don't think I would have bailed on
them. Instead I would have come back from the kitchen with "What
can I do to help with dinner? Looks like we are having chicken."
I also think it is perfectly fine to ask if they have something
you could snack on.
I do agree that knowing that they expect a long social visit
before serving a meal that you should plan to arrive having had
a snack.
#Post#: 21081--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: December 10, 2018, 6:57 pm
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Since you know this is a pattern with them, I agree you should
eat beforehand or keep a snack in your purse. If you wish, maybe
you can also being an appetizer as a contribution to the meal
(sneaky but looks like you're being nice ;))
Give them a heads up that you will need to leave by 9pm because
you arranged an uber. Then stick to the time even if they
haven't started cooking yet.
Can't stand this habit, but I understand there are people you
want to stay friends with despite their.......quirks.
#Post#: 21091--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: TootsNYC
Date: December 10, 2018, 10:17 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: Jem link ---
>
> Was it just the three of you in the situation you described in
the OP? Socializing before dinner is normal in my experience,
but how odd to not have hors d'ouerves or cocktails before
dinner if they intended to socialize for several hours. But also
think it was odd for you to leave an hour after arriving. What
did they say when you announced you were leaving? They were
making dinner and you left before they had a chance to serve it,
and long before it got to the point of "are we EVER going to
eat?"
>
> In general, I think adults should be able to manage their
hunger so that a delay in eating times does not derail them
entirely. If you can't, then eat before social events so you can
focus on socializing rather than your hunger. Here I bet the
hosts assumed socializing before dinner, and frankly, I would
have expected socializing before dinner as opposed to
showupsitdowneat. But I also think gracious hosts let their
guests know what to expect for a timeline (similar to the other
thread about "arrive any time after noon....we'll plan to eat
between one and two...").
>
> In the future, maybe meet at a restaurant.
>
--- End Quote ---
She left before they had a chance to PUT A WHOLE CHICKEN IN THE
OVEN.
I'm sorry, they were phenomenally rude.
It's one thing to socialize while the chicken roasts. But the
chicken wasn't even in the oven, and they were making no move to
put it there.
Honestly, I think what Victoria did was probably the best
possible thing. These hosts don't deserve to have their guests
put that much of their lives on hold.
And going forward, I would say simply have a set of rules you'll
apply. If dinner isn't underway when you walk in the door, maybe
you ask about it: "Are you going to start cooking now? How long
will it take?" And if the answer is not "yes, and about an
hour," then say, "well, I'll have to go in about 2 hours, so
we'll see where things are," and then leave in 2 hours.
As for the topic of conversations--lately I've taken to saying,
"I'm sorry, this isn't a conversation I want to be part of. Can
we talk about something else?"
A distant friend (from high school) called to ask a favor and
then was chatting, and suddenly I realize she's complaining
about all the businesses and companies that have gone out of
business in the last 5 or so years. I interrupted her to say,
"I'm sorry, this is not how I want to spend my time on the phone
with my friends--talking about all the ways our economy is
imploding."
In this case, I was done with the convo anyway, so I said,
"And anyway, I do need to get going; I have to go home" (it was
in the hour after work).
I don't know if she got off the phone so quickly because of
my needing to go home, or because I'd offended her. But if I
offended her, good. That was a shitty sort of way to waste my
time in conversation, to monologue about Sears and Younkers and
Computer City...
I think in your case it would have been perfectly fine to say,
"I'm sorry, I don't know any of these people. Is there something
else we could talk about?" I don't think you have to come up
with the topic of conversation if you're at a loss. They're the
hosts--the onus is on them, actually, to make you feel welcome.
#Post#: 21094--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: December 11, 2018, 2:24 am
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It was clumsily phrased, sure, but I for one would automatically
have interpreted "Do you want to have dinner at 5pm at our
house?" as meaning "Do you want to come to our place at 5pm and
we'll serve dinner [some time during the evening]?"
I certainly would not expect dinner to be on the table as soon
as I arrived, and not only because to me any meal served that
early isn't 'dinner' at all but 'high tea', 'an early supper' or
some such; an hour or so of chat before a meal is perfectly
normal and proper. (My MIL actually feels it would be a gross
breach of propriety to sit her guests down to a meal before at
least one leisurely gin-and-tonic beforehand. We have before now
arrived at her house for lunch after a morning chasing hounds
across ploughed fields in a hard frost, with cries of "We're so
hungry! In fact, we're starving!" and she ignored this, parked a
perfectly-ready-for-us meal, and led us firmly into the lounge
for an obligatory pre-lunch drink.) So you were in fact wrong to
turn up so underfed that 45 minutes later you were desperate to
eat.
With this history of misunderstanding, another time it would be
prudent, and perfectly polite, to check out what they actually
mean - eg "Love to. I can make 5, no problem. What time are you
planning to eat, because I can't afford to be too late home that
evening?" Let's suppose they say "oh, about 7" (and I do suspect
that that's the sort of time they actually intended all along).
Then you know to stoke up enough beforehand to see you through
till then. And you have made them actually think and commit
themselves to a time, and have flagged up that you can't stay
indefinitely. If after that there is no dinner on the table by
say 8, and there clearly won't be any time soon, it is perfectly
legit for you to get up and leave, saying "It's been lovely, but
I must go: if I wait for dinner that would make me too late
getting home. No, don't worry about me (even if they haven't
expressed any worry); I can easily pick up a burger on my way
home". And at least they'll know why you left. I suspect they
still have no idea at all why you accepted their invitation for
a whole evening then just breezed off after only an hour.
If they are the sort of people who get so easily distracted that
they just forget to put supper on, it might be a plan to find a
reason to wander into the kitchen early on, see what's there,
and cry brightly "So we're having roast chicken? Yummy!" and
hope that reminds them to actually get it into the oven. Or -
since dammit, these are friends of yours - just say outright "if
that's tonight's dinner, shouldn't it be going into the oven by
now?".
#Post#: 21103--------------------------------------------------
Re: What should I have done here?
DIR By: DaDancingPsych
Date: December 11, 2018, 8:21 am
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I totally understand your hunger. I am an early dinner eater and
when I dine with friends, they often want to eat later. I do
plan different on those days. I might have a larger lunch or
afternoon snack to help hold me over. In fact, I keep a couple
of things at work so that if I get an invitation the day of that
I can easily accept and die of starvation.
I think in this situation that you may have jumped the gun a
bit. I agree that a certain amount of socializing before dinner
is expected. Assuming that they had put the chicken in the oven
at 6pm and it would have been ready by 7pm, that is not
completely out of the realm of normal (although yes, I would
have wanted to eat sooner, too). I really love the suggestions
of nudging the couple by asking how you could assist with
dinner. I think that it is a polite way of taking control of the
situation.
However, the reality is that this couple seems to have
difficulties respecting the time of others. I think your choices
are to accept that they proceed on their own timing, so you
should plan accordingly. (Eat before you arrive. Check with them
prior to calling your Uber.) Or you can set boundaries as far as
your time. As others have suggested, let them know that you need
to leave by a certain time, ect.
I have a friend who is admittedly always late. She found it to
be somewhat funny. I, as someone who is always early, found the
habit to be annoying. I knew I could not change her, so I was
clear that I am always timely and the importance to me and then
just worked around her. When we go to the theater together, we
typically arrive separately (partly due to living on opposite
sides of the theater district) and have our own ticket. I arrive
at least 30 minutes prior to show and she would arrive 5. But I
always sent a text mentioning my arrival. I noted with time that
she slowly started coming earlier and earlier... the last time
she beat me to the theater! I really don't know what I said or
did to adjust her behavior (other than discussing how I pad
times to ensure that I am never late) and I am not convinced
that it would work on everyone, but in my case, things have
improved.
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