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#Post#: 20636--------------------------------------------------
Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Despedina Date: December 3, 2018, 4:05 pm
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My family has been having trouble getting in touch with BIL for
a while now. He is a "traveling" nurse which means every 3
months he chooses a new hospital to work for. Right now he's at
a hospital about 4 hrs away, so we don't see him much. Actually,
we've not actually seen him and his Fiance since June when my
MIL paid for a big family vacation. At the beginning of Nov he
told my MIL he would not be coming to Thanksgiving or Christmas.
According to MIL he showed up the Sunday after Thanksgiving. The
only communication we have had is the fiancé emailing my DH
(group email) asking everyone to have their wedding clothes
chosen within 6 mos (this was early Oct) and when DH responded,
BIL called back to say that he and fiancé were coming up with a
group order for the groomsmen.
DH has tried to reach out to BIL again with no response. On
Saturday, my son wanted to call BIL to invite him to his
crossover from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts. We told son that his
uncle probably wouldn't be able to make it but he could invite
him if he liked. Son also wanted to speak to his uncle as he
hasn't seen or spoken to him since June. Son left a message
from my husband's phone asking BIL to please call back
regardless. No response.
We saw MIL yesterday and she mentioned that BIL had come the
Sunday after Thanksgiving and I mentioned we hadn't heard from
BIL and that son was waiting on a return phone call. MIL sighed
and shook her head. I was like "what?" She said that BIL does
not keep his phone. We were confused by this as he doesn't have
a home phone and where was he leaving it? Was he not allowed to
have it at work. She said no that Fiance keeps his phone and
they 'trade phones' every day which MIL could not explain.
Anytime she wants to talk to him she has to wait until he calls
her back because he doesn't keep his phone.
I'm wondering if I should message Fiance on facebook and ask her
to have BIL call my DH and son. DH is not FB friends with her.
I'm a little concerned she doesn't want BiL calling us. When we
were on vacation and his phone would ring she would run up to
him and put her head against his head and listen before either
knew who it was. It was really strange. They do have a wedding
coming up (10/2019) and their "clothes deadline" coming up in
the spring so DH will need to speak with him.
So should I message her or just let this play out? It almost
sounds like one of those Hallmark movies where the Fiance is
crazy possessive right now lol. I hope I'm really wrong.
On another note even though they've announced they're not coming
for the holidays, they are having a big shindig for "family &
friends" this weekend (in her hometown not far from where we
live) which none of BIL's family was invited to which adds to my
concern that she doesn't want BIL's family around.
#Post#: 20642--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Hanna Date: December 3, 2018, 6:08 pm
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Hmmm. Perplexing!
Does his fiancé live with him while he’s traveling around? What
kind of shifts does he work?
Does she work? How long have they been together?
How is the relationship between BIL and his Mom? (Could he be
avoiding her calls, with this cellphone switching routine?)
How do you know about the big shindig?
#Post#: 20644--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Dazi Date: December 3, 2018, 6:15 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=853.msg20642#msg20642
date=1543882101]
Hmmm. Perplexing!
Does his fiancé live with him while he’s traveling around? What
kind of shifts does he work?
Does she work? How long have they been together?
How is the relationship between BIL and his Mom? (Could he be
avoiding her calls, with this cellphone switching routine?)
How do you know about the big shindig?
[/quote]
If he's a travel nurse, minimum shifts are typically 12 hrs.
7a-7p or 7p-7a, but reality is, they often work 14-16 hours. If
he works the night shift, it is totally plausible she fields
calls for him. Nothing rages a night nurse more than being woken
up during the day when they are trying to sleep.
#Post#: 20647--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Hanna Date: December 3, 2018, 6:45 pm
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[quote author=Dazi link=topic=853.msg20644#msg20644
date=1543882537]
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=853.msg20642#msg20642
date=1543882101]
Hmmm. Perplexing!
Does his fiancé live with him while he’s traveling around? What
kind of shifts does he work?
Does she work? How long have they been together?
How is the relationship between BIL and his Mom? (Could he be
avoiding her calls, with this cellphone switching routine?)
How do you know about the big shindig?
[/quote]
If he's a travel nurse, minimum shifts are typically 12 hrs.
7a-7p or 7p-7a, but reality is, they often work 14-16 hours. If
he works the night shift, it is totally plausible she fields
calls for him. Nothing rages a night nurse more than being woken
up during the day when they are trying to sleep.
[/quote]
That’s what I suspected. I don’t think it’s unusual if his
schedule is that tough that it takes him a while to return calls
and he doesn’t want his Mom calling him while he’s working or
trying to sleep.
#Post#: 20653--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Hmmm Date: December 3, 2018, 7:01 pm
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I won't speculate on why your BIL is not keeping his phone.
That's just odd behavior unless he has cheated on her before.
But to answer your question, yes I would message her on FB
explaining that your son is awaiting a call from his uncle and
would she be so kind as to encourage him to call your son back.
#Post#: 20669--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Aleko Date: December 4, 2018, 1:31 am
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[quote]. . . it is totally plausible she fields calls for him.
Nothing rages a night nurse more than being woken up during the
day when they are trying to sleep.[/quote]
Well, in principle yes: but she doesn't seem to be fielding
calls for him, does she? Also, I totally get that he wouldn't
want to answer the phone when he's trying to sleep, but if he
just turned his phone off then and told his family and friends
'if my phone is off when you call, that means I'm asleep after a
night shift - just message me and I'll get back to you' there
would be no problem, whereas handing over his phone to his
fiancée just creates one. (Also, without his phone how does he
contact her to let her know if he's going to be late home, or
ask her if she can pick up his dry cleaning?) Together with the
anecdote of her routinely listening in to find who's calling
him, this does sound like a rather creepy set-up.
#Post#: 20678--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Jem Date: December 4, 2018, 7:39 am
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Yeah, I know quite a few people who are capable of managing
whether they are woken up by phone calls or texts or emails by
either turning off their phone or turning off the ringer. The
fiancé has a monopoly on red flags.
I would never want to be with someone like the fiancé. But,
apparently the BIL has chosen to be with her.
I think the OP is going to have to accept that BIL is not going
to be in her family’s life how she wants him to be.
#Post#: 20680--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: DaDancingPsych Date: December 4, 2018, 7:45 am
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I certainly see some things that are concerning... but I also
see some plausible explanations. Yes, I would message Fiance to
see if she is able (and willing) to assist. It is very possible
that she is frustrated by the lack of communication, too, and
this could be the start to assisting BIL with putting together a
better system. I think that Fiance's response may be somewhat
telling and at least you have a better idea of the situation at
hand.
#Post#: 20684--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Bada Date: December 4, 2018, 9:00 am
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OP says they swap phones back and forth. So she's not just
handling his while he's sleeping, she's actively trying to keep
him from having a dedicated phone of his own.
I think it's a great idea to contact her through FB on behalf of
your son. Are they both invited to the ceremony? Uncle is more
likely to be able to come if she is. You could also apologize
for using this method of contact and ask what the best way is to
reach Uncle. The answer might be very informative. (Your mom
says they swap phones so she never knows which to call him on.
Does she ever just call every phone, hoping to get the right one
by chance?)
#Post#: 20685--------------------------------------------------
Re: Trying to get hold of BIL but his fiance keeps his phone
By: Despedina Date: December 4, 2018, 9:05 am
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=853.msg20642#msg20642
date=1543882101]
Hmmm. Perplexing!
Does his fiancé live with him while he’s traveling around?
What kind of shifts does he work?
Does she work? How long have they been together?
How is the relationship between BIL and his Mom? (Could he be
avoiding her calls, with this cellphone switching routine?)
How do you know about the big shindig?
[/quote]
Yes, she lives with him while he travels. She does not work.
They have been together about 2.5-3 yrs at this point. BIL and
his mom had a very close relationship (he's the baby and he was
born 14 yrs after his nearest in age sibling). About the
shindig, I only know about it because she posted on facebook
tagging everyone who hadn't told her what they were bringing as
far as food. I asked MIL if she was invited and she said no.
Someone asked how he gets a hold of his Fiance when he's at
work. MIL said they TRADE phones. So he doesn't keep his own but
he keeps hers. It doesn't make any sense but she is able to get
hold of him. None of us have Fiance's phone number. As far as
his shift, right now he works 7am - 7pm so days for this
assignment.
I do keep seeing red flags and have tried to get to know her
hoping I'm misinterpreting but she doesn't seem interested. My
daughter who is 21 hung out with them during vacation more than
anyone last summer and said that her behavior seemed really
controlling but I wasn't there to witness it. I was hoping that
they'd come around during the holidays so I could get to know
her but that won't be happening.
Yes both are invited to the ceremony for my Son.
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