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#Post#: 20548--------------------------------------------------
I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of her.
UPDATES see #6 & #8
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: December 2, 2018, 5:24 pm
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Is there a loving way to explain to my BFF that although we’d
like to have her move into an apartment adjacent to our home,
her live-in boyfriend isn’t welcome as a full-time resident?
We’d be thrilled to have her here, but not if it means he’s
living with her and we'd see a lot of him, too.
Background: We’ve been best friends for over 40 years, and
she’s also a dear friend of my husband’s. She’s been with her
live-in boyfriend for 16 years. She’s looking to move within
the next couple of years, and, impulsively (without consulting
me first), my DH said maybe she could move into an apartment
adjacent to our house, which is now unfinished space but was
originally planned to someday be a sort of mother-in-law suite.
What he didn’t say at the time was that his offer was for her
only, and did not extend to her boyfriend, whom neither of us
care for. Her reply was something like, “If you’re serious
about this offer we’d like to consider it and see if it is in
our budget.” Oops! DH wasn’t expecting the “we” part of that
comment.
Her boyfriend isn’t a bad guy, but we think he’s a user (he
hasn’t had a job or really paid his own way, except
sporadically, since he met her). He mostly hangs out at home
(her apartment, which she lived in for years before meeting him)
playing on the internet, or whatever, pretty much every day. He
has always seemed to us to be very self-absorbed and needy, and
he has a lot of fringe beliefs that are very different from ours
and, in fact, from hers.
We’ve always felt he wasn’t a good choice for her, but when they
first met he paid her a lot of attention, had a job, etc., which
he’s not done for years. From our perspective, he takes her
(and especially her income) for granted. We both love her
dearly, and she says they love each other, and that he expresses
that in his own way, but we just don’t like him or how he treats
her. The good news is that she has a moderately active social
life that he isn’t part of (several interest groups, local
friends, travel with friends and sometimes on her own), so at
least her life isn’t centered around him.
TLDR: I don’t think my BFF aware of just how much my DH and I
don’t like her self-absorbed live-in boyfriend. I don’t think
there’s a good way to explain this to her while still saying
we’d be over the moon if she’d move without him into the
apartment adjacent to our home that we could rent to her. I
don’t think she’d move without him, although I can totally
imagine him leaving her on a whim to live on his own. Any
suggestions on how to approach/solve this problem with her, or
should we withdraw the offer to have her move here?
#Post#: 20549--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: Jem
Date: December 2, 2018, 5:39 pm
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It sounds like no move is imminent since BFF was only
considering moving within the next couple years. I would just
never mention her moving adjacent to you ever again (and make
sure your husband doesn’t either) and hope it never becomes an
issue. If she does ask to move in (not sure if you own the
place?) I would have some reason why the space is not available.
The boyfriend sounds like a loser.....but BFF has been
consistently choosing him (without commitment?!?!) for 16 years.
I wouldn’t bank on that changing.
#Post#: 20550--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: Rose Red
Date: December 2, 2018, 5:41 pm
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I think you need to withdraw the offer. Do it kindly with some
white lies if you have to.
You can't offer an apartment to just half of a couple who are
already living together.
#Post#: 20557--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: December 2, 2018, 7:17 pm
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I'd never bring the subject up again. But in the meantime, I
would be discussing with your husband reasons for potentially
having to withdraw the original offer. Have one ready to yank
out of your pocket, just in case she some day out of the blue
starts a sentence with "I think we're ready to take you up on
your offer of the apartment connected to your house . . . "
Make sure your reason for the change of heart about the
apartment is inarguable.
#Post#: 20561--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: Star Wars Fan
Date: December 2, 2018, 7:26 pm
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I have to agree, don't ever bring it up again. Because I just
can't think of any way to tell her that "politely" without her
being upset and I don't see it ending well in some way that's
not going to ruin your friendship. She's been with this man for
over 16 years so I wouldn't hold my breath on that changing if I
were you. So she's obviously for whatever reasons committed to
being in the relationship. The best you can do is be supportive
and try to spend time with her without her boyfriend being
around since you dislike him that much.
Ed.
#Post#: 20565--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: Kiwipinball
Date: December 2, 2018, 7:40 pm
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It seems odd to be surprised that she assumed the invitation
included her partner she's been living with for 16 years. It
would be bad etiquette to invite her to a wedding without him,
there is no nice way to invite her to move without him. I agree
with a white lie if necessary.
#Post#: 20581--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: December 2, 2018, 11:24 pm
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Thanks, everyone. DH and I had pretty much already agreed that
we wouldn't bring it up again, but I wanted to get your input in
case there was something we hadn't considered.
I think we can tell her, if she brings it up as a serious
option, that we checked with a contractor and it would be a)
much more expensive to do the necessary improvements (to what is
now essentially raw space) than we had thought and also, b) that
the contractor advised us that it would probably be against code
to be renting out space in what is zoned as a single-family
dwelling (which it is). TBH, it saddens me that she has settled
for this guy rather than continuing to date and keep her options
open, but obviously that's her choice and not my call. At our
ages (early 70s), the dating pool is pretty shallow. Most
apartments in our part of the state that are in good areas are
pretty much out of her price range, so it's unlikely that she'd
be able to move here without finding a place at a substantially
lower price than the going rate.
#Post#: 20586--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her.
DIR By: Aleko
Date: December 3, 2018, 2:42 am
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I simply can't imagine how DH could possibly not have been
expecting the 'we' part of that comment.
If you say to someone who is half of a living-together couple
(let alone a couple of 16 years's standing) and has not
indicated any wish to change that status 'Why don't you move
into the annexe to our apartment?', that 'you' can only mean
'you two'. Nobody would conceivably parse that as meaning 'Why
don't you leave that deadbeat you've been living with for 16
years and who isn't good enough for you and who we really don't
like at all to shift for himself, and move into the annexe to
our apartment by yourself?"
I'm sure that everybody here knows perfectly well that it is
rude to invite only one half of an established couple to
dinner/a party/a wedding, even if you don't much care for the
other person. It is massively ruder to invite one half to
discard the other from their life. Rude not only to the other,
but to the invited person, as clearly implying that you know
better than her what is good for her.
Gardengal is right that there is no even tolerably decent, let
alone 'loving', way to explain what DH actually meant. I think
all you can do now is hope they don't take you up on it, and
think of a cast-iron excuse for why it's no longer possible if
they do.
#Post#: 20587--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her. UPDATE
DIR By: GardenGal
Date: December 3, 2018, 3:27 am
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Hi again- good news! My BFF brought up the possibility her and
her boyfriend moving into our apartment and I told her that DH
and I had thought more about it and that it wouldn't be possible
for the reasons I mentioned above, and she was perfectly
understanding about it. She asked with a grin if she might move
there "when he dies" (he's 75), and I told her of course! So,
all's well.
Thanks for your replies.
#Post#: 20597--------------------------------------------------
Re: I don't like by BFF's boyfriend, but want to see more of
her. UPDATE
DIR By: Hmmm
Date: December 3, 2018, 8:07 am
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--- Quote from: GardenGal link ---
>
> Hi again- good news! My BFF brought up the possibility her
and her boyfriend moving into our apartment and I told her that
DH and I had thought more about it and that it wouldn't be
possible for the reasons I mentioned above, and she was
perfectly understanding about it. She asked with a grin if she
might move there "when he dies" (he's 75), and I told her of
course! So, all's well.
>
> Thanks for your replies.
>
--- End Quote ---
Wait, he's 75 and you think it's wrong for him to be not working
full time and to be hanging out at the house and playing on the
internet? Shoot, that's what most of the 75 year olds I know do!
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