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#Post#: 20652--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child
By: Winterlight Date: December 3, 2018, 7:00 pm
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[quote author=Hanna link=topic=846.msg20349#msg20349
date=1543547300]
Your daughter sounds like a very sweet person. I'm sorry she is
experiencing this, but it's really a lesson about the company
you keep that she will learn sooner or later.
I used to be friendly with a neighbor who was a bit like Tina.
We then had a falling out when she crossed a line with me and I
wasn't willing to overlook it. (Really a build up). The result
was that I was always cordial but didn't spend time with her for
a long time after that.
Not long after I distanced myself from her, a different neighbor
started extending invitations to me. He ended up being a really
wonderful friend; kind, intelligent, thoughtful: the kind of
person I want to spend my time around.
One day he said "I am sorry that I was not friendlier to you
when you moved here, but I could not have any proximity to that
woman and so because you were friends with her, I could not be
friends with you."
It was a really great lesson about the company you keep. It's
just obvious really but until that happened, I never realize
that by being friends with people that were not nice to others,
I was missing out on other great friendships.
[/quote]
I've been on the other side of this- met someone really great
and then realized they had a couple of really toxic friends who
I did not want to be near. He would have been a lovely friend,
but the baggage he came with was too much, and there's no nice
way to tell someone "You're awesome but I wouldn't touch your
besties with a thirty-nine and a half foot pole." ;D
#Post#: 20722--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child
By: bopper Date: December 4, 2018, 5:16 pm
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This is when I would suggest your daughter talk to the school
psychologist /counselor and explain that she doesn't want Tina
to eat alone, but she is being mean and her friends don't like
it. If she won't, then you should contact them to let them know
what is going on.
But as a parent, I would talk to Ava...and say You like it that
she is trying to not let Tina eat alone, but you don't like it
if she hangs out with people that are mean to her. You could
suggest that if Tina is mean, to say "Tina, that is mean. If
you want to be mean, please don't sit with us."
If she is still mean, then tell Ava not to invite her the next
day.
In a couple of days, she could go back to her and tell her that
if she isn't mean she can try again.
#Post#: 20740--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child
By: gramma dishes Date: December 4, 2018, 7:37 pm
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Ava is a child! Tina is not her responsibility.
Ava needs at this point to protect herself from being seen as
Tina's only friend. It may become a self fulfilling prophecy of
sorts.
Ignoring someone who is mean to her (and others) is perfectly
okay for Ava to do. She's done more than her share. She can be
done now.
#Post#: 20757--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child
By: Dazi Date: December 4, 2018, 11:14 pm
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These are what, 10 or 11 year olds? At this age I think that
children absolutely understand consequences.
Also, your daughter is at a VERY impressionable age. It's
important she learns not to be a doormat and let people walk all
over her for the sake of appearing nice. First, it sets a bad
precedent for future relationships of all kinds, where she may
think she can't stand up for herself. Second, it's not her job
to fix someone else's personality flaws, anger issues, poor self
esteem, etc. She cannot change the other person, only how she
reacts to them. This is a lesson best learned now and not 20-30
years from now when she's in therapy (not saying she'll end up
in therapy, just known more than a few this had happened to).
I applaud that she wants to be friendly and she's sad that this
girl is alone, that speaks well to her nature and your
parenting, but you can't help everyone. And sometimes, that's
the hardest lesson to learn.
#Post#: 21483--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child
By: Sweet Jane Date: December 14, 2018, 2:04 pm
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OP here with a small update.
Ava has finally decided to avoid Tina. The thing that finally
convinced Ava was at an afterschool club in which both girls
participate. During the meeting the older girls were paired
with younger girls, and they were supposed to be helping the
younger ones complete a craft. Tina was assigned to work with
Sally, who is 5 and is Ava's favorite little one.
Tina was not being patient with Sally, and started yelling her
about how she was too sloppy and ruining the project. Sally
burst into tears and ran to Ava, and the club leader had to take
Tina outside to talk to her about the outburst. Sally told Ava
that she didn't want to work with Tina anymore, and Ava asked
the assistant leader if she could work with both Sally and the
girl she'd been assigned. The assistant leader said yes, and Ava
was happily working with both kids.
When Tina and the club leader started to come inside, she saw
Ava working with Sally and started yelling at Ava for taking her
partner. The club leader stopped her and took her outside, where
she and Tina stayed for the rest of the activity.
After that club meeting, Ava was really angry with Tina. Yelling
at Sally was the last straw. Ava still feels bad that Tina eats
alone but she just wants nothing to do with her ever again.
#Post#: 21542--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child - update #24
By: Lula Date: December 15, 2018, 7:39 am
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It's much easier to stand up for someone else than for oneself.
#Post#: 21574--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child - update #24
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: December 15, 2018, 2:16 pm
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Make sure that Ava knows it's okay to tell Tina why she is
avoiding her, if she is asked. Tina needs to hear it from a
peer, if she is curious as to why she is being avoided.
#Post#: 21668--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child - update #24
By: Chez Miriam Date: December 17, 2018, 7:54 am
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[quote author=wonderfullyanonymous
link=topic=846.msg21574#msg21574 date=1544905013]
Make sure that Ava knows it's okay to tell Tina why she is
avoiding her, if she is asked. Tina needs to hear it from a
peer, if she is curious as to why she is being avoided.
[/quote]
^ This.
When Tina was "just" being mean to Ava and her friends, she's
just being 'not a nice person', but when she shouted at Sally,
she was being a bully to a child she was in charge of helping.
That sort of thing seems even worse to me than being toxic to
your peers who are an age where they can decide whether to be
friends or not.
#Post#: 21681--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child - update #24
By: wonderfullyanonymous Date: December 17, 2018, 10:15 am
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[quote author=Chez Miriam link=topic=846.msg21668#msg21668
date=1545054891]
[quote author=wonderfullyanonymous
link=topic=846.msg21574#msg21574 date=1544905013]
Make sure that Ava knows it's okay to tell Tina why she is
avoiding her, if she is asked. Tina needs to hear it from a
peer, if she is curious as to why she is being avoided.
[/quote]
^ This.
When Tina was "just" being mean to Ava and her friends, she's
just being 'not a nice person', but when she shouted at Sally,
she was being a bully to a child she was in charge of helping.
That sort of thing seems even worse to me than being toxic to
your peers who are an age where they can decide whether to be
friends or not.
[/quote]
She may not understand why the one person she was friends with
quit being friends with her. There is nothing wrong with a 5th
grader telling another 5th grader
"I'm not going to be around you while you are being so mean. If
you want to be friends, you need to start being nicer to
people."
#Post#: 21690--------------------------------------------------
Re: How not to be the Mean Girl to a mean child - update #24
By: Sweet Jane Date: December 17, 2018, 10:51 am
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[quote author=wonderfullyanonymous
link=topic=846.msg21574#msg21574 date=1544905013]
Make sure that Ava knows it's okay to tell Tina why she is
avoiding her, if she is asked. Tina needs to hear it from a
peer, if she is curious as to why she is being avoided.
[/quote]
I kind of disagree with this. I don't think Ava needs to justify
anything and I don't want her drawn into a conversation with
Tina that would most likely end in Tina screaming at Ava about
what a terrible person she is.
Unfortunately, I don't think that Tina would be receptive enough
of the message Ava would be sending to make it worth anyone's
while.
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