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#Post#: 43067--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Hmmm Date: December 3, 2019, 9:33 am
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[quote author=lowspark link=topic=831.msg43060#msg43060
date=1575382579]
Yup. Been there, done that. I've held up dinner for chronically
late people too many times. The last time, years ago, the
chronically late person called me on her way. Not her fault!
Unexpected traffic! Please wait! OK, so I did. And food got cold
and everyone who had bothered to plan ahead and get there on
time paid the price. Never again, I swore. And never again it
has been.
Because you know, this is Houston. There's going to be traffic.
But even if the reason for being late is genuinely unavoidable,
that's life! You're late, you miss out. It's a bummer but it's a
bummer for you and shouldn't bleed over to being a bummer for
every other guest at the party.
On the other hand, I completely understand Hmmm's point about
none of the other guests being comfortable starting without her
MIL. That's the family dynamic. And knowing this, MIL has a
license to arrive whenever she wants. The family has implicitly
agreed to this by always waiting for her. And, I guess, the
family are all ok with it. So... the tactic of giving MIL a
start time an hour earlier is probably the best way to go.
[/quote]
There's never any cold food. Turkey's and other protein stay
wrapped in butcher paper in a cooler till ready to carve. Sides
stay in warming ovens or on very low heat on the stove. After 26
years, we've learned to never plan to serve anything that can't
sit for awhile if MIL or SIL is invited.
Early on, my side of the family would have seen starting to
serve without DH's family there as snubbing my inlaws in favor
of my family and they would never have wanted to put us in that
position or appear that they were snubbing the inlaws*. Arriving
late was bad form, but not waiting for your guests, especially
your inlaws or parents, would be a major insult. So over the
years we've all settled into the "joined family" holiday
schedule. My side and most friends are usually there on time and
we have a nice visit, drinks, and apps. DH's side may be there
then or may not. My side knows that the meal will be served
shortly after everyone arrives. My side is usually the first to
start leaving and DH's stays longer after the meal.
When first married, before texts, emails, and cell phones, I was
convinced DH was always telling his parents the wrong time
because I had never had to deal with anyone chronically late
like them. Once I started doing the calling and coordination, I
decided they just didn't listen. Then I realized when we went to
events at her home, her friends were always 45 minutes to 90
minutes late. Part of it is a cultural thing. The idea that
you'd invite someone at 1 and expect to be seated at lunch by 2
was just a complete anomaly for her and her friends. That would
seem very rushed to them. I realized that if I told MIL 1pm, she
mentally converted the time to 2 because that was "really" the
time I wanted her to arrive. When DH lived at home, I don't
think he noticed it because he was home and didn't really pay
attention as a teen about what time people were supposed to show
up they just did. But there were a few times early on that MIL
would invite us over for say 5pm on a Sunday and we'd arrive to
find that she was at the grocery store buying food and had no
intention of serving till 7 or so and was shocked to see us
there at 5. So instead we started showing up at least a half
hour late to her house. (And if we knew it was supposed to be a
large crowd and we drove by and no one was there, we'd go hang
out somewhere else for another half hour and then go back.)
We tried giving her a different time then the other guests, but
DH's brother is chronically early and the two of them used to
talk daily and if we gave him one time and her another, it
always ended up even worse because BIL could never remember to
lie to her.
*My mom and aunt advised my sister's and cousins (6 of us in
total) to always treat our inlaws with the same love and care
that we did our own families and our lives would be so much
easier. They were correct, all 6 of us have or had excellent
relationships with our inlaws. As they said, your not perfect,
your parents aren't perfect, and your inlaws won't be either.
#Post#: 43086--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Gellchom Date: December 3, 2019, 12:53 pm
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[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=831.msg43067#msg43067
date=1575387209]
*My mom and aunt advised my sister's and cousins (6 of us in
total) to always treat our inlaws with the same love and care
that we did our own families and our lives would be so much
easier. They were correct, all 6 of us have or had excellent
relationships with our inlaws. As they said, your not perfect,
your parents aren't perfect, and your inlaws won't be either.
[/quote]
I guess I misunderstood about what you told your MIL about when
to arrive. That does make a difference!
I love what you wrote above (the bolded). Thank you so much for
sharing that.
With that kind of attitude, it's a whole lot easier just to roll
your eyes instead of getting upset and turning annoyances into
battles. I can't always pull it off, but when I can, I know
that it sure helps me.
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