DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Entertaining and Hospitality
*****************************************************
#Post#: 20664--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Jem Date: December 3, 2018, 8:40 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=831.msg20640#msg20640
date=1543879440]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=831.msg20603#msg20603
date=1543850131]
I've never understood people who, when hosting, give precedence
to those who haven't bothered to show up, yet have no trouble
inconveniencing those who did bother to get there by making them
wait for the latecomers. It really boggles the mind.
[/quote]
I believe for most families it’s because they want everyone they
love together at the table, breaking bread together. I don’t
think it’s meant to inconvenience anyone, but that it comes from
a good place. The hosts are in a bad position, and I don’t
blame them for handling however they feel is best. On the other
hand, if the only point is just to eat on time and be done with
it, I’m not sure if the point of coming out at all. I say all
of this as a person who spent many holidays waiting for the late
people. I wanted to wait too, because despite them being really
inconsiderate I’d rather wait a couple of times a year than just
eat without them.
[/quote]
I think the point is that it is NOT about the food but about the
socializing. A person who shows up well past social hour and
well past the time the meal is to be served is sending a message
that she does not value spending time with the other people.
#Post#: 20670--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Aleko Date: December 4, 2018, 1:46 am
---------------------------------------------------------
- or that they do, but totally expect it to happen on a schedule
that suits them. I've known people who turned up 3/4 of the way
through a party, and an hour or so later were really
disappointed and cross when everyone else started putting on
their coats and leaving: 'But we only just got here!'
#Post#: 20689--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Hmmm Date: December 4, 2018, 9:29 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=831.msg20640#msg20640
date=1543879440]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=831.msg20603#msg20603
date=1543850131]
I've never understood people who, when hosting, give precedence
to those who haven't bothered to show up, yet have no trouble
inconveniencing those who did bother to get there by making them
wait for the latecomers. It really boggles the mind.
[/quote]
I believe for most families it’s because they want everyone they
love together at the table, breaking bread together. I don’t
think it’s meant to inconvenience anyone, but that it comes from
a good place. The hosts are in a bad position, and I don’t
blame them for handling however they feel is best. On the other
hand, if the only point is just to eat on time and be done with
it, I’m not sure if the point of coming out at all. I say all
of this as a person who spent many holidays waiting for the late
people. I wanted to wait too, because despite them being really
inconsiderate I’d rather wait a couple of times a year than just
eat without them.
[/quote]
Since in my case it was primarily my MIL and FIL who were
running late to our holiday dinners, my side of the family
didn't want it to appear that I was "snubbing the inlaws" by not
waiting. So if I said that we'd go ahead and start serving
they'd protest with saying they'd rather wait for everyone to
arrive.
#Post#: 20695--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Hanna Date: December 4, 2018, 10:31 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Jem link=topic=831.msg20664#msg20664
date=1543891231]
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=831.msg20640#msg20640
date=1543879440]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=831.msg20603#msg20603
date=1543850131]
I've never understood people who, when hosting, give precedence
to those who haven't bothered to show up, yet have no trouble
inconveniencing those who did bother to get there by making them
wait for the latecomers. It really boggles the mind.
[/quote]
I believe for most families it’s because they want everyone they
love together at the table, breaking bread together. I don’t
think it’s meant to inconvenience anyone, but that it comes from
a good place. The hosts are in a bad position, and I don’t
blame them for handling however they feel is best. On the other
hand, if the only point is just to eat on time and be done with
it, I’m not sure if the point of coming out at all. I say all
of this as a person who spent many holidays waiting for the late
people. I wanted to wait too, because despite them being really
inconsiderate I’d rather wait a couple of times a year than just
eat without them.
[/quote]
I think the point is that it is NOT about the food but about the
socializing. A person who shows up well past social hour and
well past the time the meal is to be served is sending a message
that she does not value spending time with the other people.
[/quote]
Not every family has a "social hour" ahead of a holiday meal
though. In our family it was usually women in the kitchen
getting the food ready, men watching football in the living
room, and kids running back and forth, in and out of the house
and all places in between. After dinner we socialized and often
all spent the night. They definitely didn't value our time and
didn't seem to notice how irritating they were, but I doubt a
single person in my family would have said let's just eat
without them. I think the main issue was that we were hungry
and also didn't want the food to get cold. But we wanted them
there for the meal, and we also especially didn't want to screw
their kids over just because they were selfish hippies that
couldn't get it together to be anywhere on time. (Can I say
that!? Because that was the deal.)
#Post#: 20733--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: gramma dishes Date: December 4, 2018, 7:09 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=831.msg20689#msg20689
date=1543937349]
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=831.msg20640#msg20640
date=1543879440]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=831.msg20603#msg20603
date=1543850131]
I've never understood people who, when hosting, give precedence
to those who haven't bothered to show up, yet have no trouble
inconveniencing those who did bother to get there by making them
wait for the latecomers. It really boggles the mind.
[/quote]
I believe for most families it’s because they want everyone they
love together at the table, breaking bread together. I don’t
think it’s meant to inconvenience anyone, but that it comes from
a good place. The hosts are in a bad position, and I don’t
blame them for handling however they feel is best. On the other
hand, if the only point is just to eat on time and be done with
it, I’m not sure if the point of coming out at all. I say all
of this as a person who spent many holidays waiting for the late
people. I wanted to wait too, because despite them being really
inconsiderate I’d rather wait a couple of times a year than just
eat without them.
[/quote]
Since in my case it was primarily my MIL and FIL who were
running late to our holiday dinners, my side of the family
didn't want it to appear that I was "snubbing the inlaws" by not
waiting. So if I said that we'd go ahead and start serving
they'd protest with saying they'd rather wait for everyone to
arrive.
[/quote]
Weren't your in laws effectively snubbing your family by
assuming their time was far more important than your family's?
And that making their late Grand Entrance was more important
than your family being hungry and uncomfortable and the food so
lovingly prepared getting cold or dried out?
#Post#: 20768--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Hmmm Date: December 5, 2018, 8:18 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=831.msg20733#msg20733
date=1543972191]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=831.msg20689#msg20689
date=1543937349]
[quote author=Hanna link=topic=831.msg20640#msg20640
date=1543879440]
[quote author=Lilac link=topic=831.msg20603#msg20603
date=1543850131]
I've never understood people who, when hosting, give precedence
to those who haven't bothered to show up, yet have no trouble
inconveniencing those who did bother to get there by making them
wait for the latecomers. It really boggles the mind.
[/quote]
I believe for most families it’s because they want everyone they
love together at the table, breaking bread together. I don’t
think it’s meant to inconvenience anyone, but that it comes from
a good place. The hosts are in a bad position, and I don’t
blame them for handling however they feel is best. On the other
hand, if the only point is just to eat on time and be done with
it, I’m not sure if the point of coming out at all. I say all
of this as a person who spent many holidays waiting for the late
people. I wanted to wait too, because despite them being really
inconsiderate I’d rather wait a couple of times a year than just
eat without them.
[/quote]
Since in my case it was primarily my MIL and FIL who were
running late to our holiday dinners, my side of the family
didn't want it to appear that I was "snubbing the inlaws" by not
waiting. So if I said that we'd go ahead and start serving
they'd protest with saying they'd rather wait for everyone to
arrive.
[/quote]
Weren't your in laws effectively snubbing your family by
assuming their time was far more important than your family's?
And that making their late Grand Entrance was more important
than your family being hungry and uncomfortable and the food so
lovingly prepared getting cold or dried out?
[/quote]
Yes, I found it extremely rude of them to keep my family
waiting. But my family would still not want to put me in a
position of appearing to snub my inlaws, especially in those
early years. Guests weren't sitting around hungry. I always had
out apps causing a bigger issue of eating too much of those and
not being hungry for the main meal. And when they did arrive,
she brings instant joy and tons of apologies and usually
entertaining stories about why she is late so everyone quickly
forgives her.
For years we've come up with strategies, like lying about the
expected time of arrival, to deal with the chronic lateness. For
Christmas we just hold a "pre-event" (oysters) with my family
and then invite the inlaws later in the day for the Christmas
meal so that no one really cares what time they arrive. But MIL
has gotten better over the years so thought I could be straight
forward with timing for Tday, especially after them being so
late the Sunday prior at my BIL's home and me making a point of
saying that food would be eating between 1 and 2.
I decided early in my marriage if the only problem I had with my
MIL and FIL was them being late, then I was a very fortunate
woman. And that really is the only issue I have with my MIL so I
am willing to quietly stew about it but then I let it go because
in all other ways she is a wonderful woman and I'm lucky to have
her in my life.
This thread was more about trying to understand if other's would
perceive the wording of my invite to imply they should arrive at
2 as my SIL thought it implied.
#Post#: 42988--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Hmmm Date: December 2, 2019, 12:25 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
... Reviving this thread from last year with an update.
After what seemed to be confusion from last year's with my
wording, this year I emailed everyone to come at 1pm for Tday
lunch. I started getting calls from my family on Tue/Wed asking
what time we'll be eating and when to arrive because "come at 1"
wasn't enough info for them. I tell them the "goal" is to eat at
2. I talk to MIL Wednesday afternoon and again tell her she
doesn't need to bring anything. She insists she is going to
bring a side she always likes making for the grandkids. I remind
her again to come at 1. (Last year she was on time but SIL was
the one that was later than we expected.) I also texted SIL and
reminded her to come at 1.
This year everyone arrived between 1 and 1:15 except for MIL.
The turkeys are done and being kept warm, all dishes are in the
warming oven. Appetizers are being consumed and mulled wine and
apple cider is being served. Around 1:45 SIL says she'll call
MIL but doesn't get an answer so we are pretty sure she is in
the car driving. She said she reminded MIL again last night that
she needed to be at our house at 1. She said she also told her
she should make her dishes the night before. MIL said she had
plenty of time because she wouldn't need to leave her house till
12:30.
MIL arrives about 2:10 with a story about how she woke up that
morning and decided she wanted to make an ambrosia salad, so
went to the store but it was closed so had to drive to another
one. She also decided to a fruit tray in case someone wanted
fruit but not as ambrosia. She wanted to wait to last minute to
cut up her apples to keep them from getting dry, so she put her
original dish in the fridge to stay fresh. So eventually showed
up with a dish that we had to heat and a bag of fruit that
needed to be plated.
One year, everyone in DH's family will arrive at the time
expected... we just know it... it will happen at least once.
;)
#Post#: 43005--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: kckgirl Date: December 2, 2019, 2:13 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=831.msg42988#msg42988
date=1575311108]
This year everyone arrived between 1 and 1:15 except for MIL.
The turkeys are done and being kept warm, all dishes are in the
warming oven. Appetizers are being consumed and mulled wine and
apple cider is being served. Around 1:45 SIL says she'll call
MIL but doesn't get an answer so we are pretty sure she is in
the car driving. [/quote]
If I were planning to start the meal at 2 after telling
everybody to come at 1, I would have started the meal at 2 and
let MIL join in when she arrived. The only way she'll stop being
a special snowflake is if you don't accommodate her.
#Post#: 43013--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Jem Date: December 2, 2019, 3:18 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=831.msg43005#msg43005
date=1575317617]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=831.msg42988#msg42988
date=1575311108]
This year everyone arrived between 1 and 1:15 except for MIL.
The turkeys are done and being kept warm, all dishes are in the
warming oven. Appetizers are being consumed and mulled wine and
apple cider is being served. Around 1:45 SIL says she'll call
MIL but doesn't get an answer so we are pretty sure she is in
the car driving. [/quote]
If I were planning to start the meal at 2 after telling
everybody to come at 1, I would have started the meal at 2 and
let MIL join in when she arrived. The only way she'll stop being
a special snowflake is if you don't accommodate her.
[/quote]
This. I would have started eating at 2:00 as planned. MIL was
disrespectful to everyone who was there at 1:00 by not arriving
then, and this disrespect is compounded if everyone is further
disrespected by waiting for MIL past 2:00 to start eating.
#Post#: 43017--------------------------------------------------
Re: When would you arrive?
By: Gellchom Date: December 2, 2019, 3:49 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I see everyone's point, but although people were asked to arrive
earlier, MIL was told that lunch was to be served at 2 -- and
not even firmly, just that that was the "goal." She arrived at
2:10. That's not so very late. I agree that she should have
arrived earlier and certainly should have called, especially
given that she wanted to cut the apples there, but -- ten
minutes? We've sure heard a lot worse than that! I would be
annoyed, too, in Hmmm's position, though, especially if this is
a pattern.
Hmmm didn't tell us whether they started without her or what.
But if they did, I don't fault them, because they did try to
call, and although it was a safe (and evidently correct)
assumption that she was on her way, they really didn't know how
late she would be.
I hope you had a lovely meal anyway, Hmmm! You deserve it.
*****************************************************
DIR Previous Page
DIR Next Page