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#Post#: 19815--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: November 25, 2018, 12:23 pm
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--- Quote ---
> However, did DIL not know what a loon her MIL up to this
point? I mean, there is a thing as too much information
especially to people who love to build up molehills.
--- End Quote ---
I'm sure she did; there's no way a snit like that came out of
the blue. But it's possible that she was trying extra-hard to
placate the old bat and show gratitude - maybe MIL had
previously complained that she was 'ungrateful',
'unappreciative' or some such - only to be smacked in the teeth
for it.
However, DIL's efforts have had one good result, even if it
wasn't the one she hoped for: she now knows for certain that her
MIL is so hostile that no degree of nicemaking and doormatting
will obtain toleration from her, let alone goodwill, and that
she can now give up trying with a clear conscience and go her
own sweet way. If MIL does write that offensive letter, in her
place I'd be strongly moved to reply "I'm sorry you find the
bedspread I made with my own hands an improper gift; but since
it offends you, feel free to send it back. I wouldn't like to
think of you being upset afresh every time you have to look at
it."
#Post#: 19878--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: HenrysMom
Date: November 26, 2018, 1:56 am
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--- Quote from: Aleko link ---
>
> [quote]However, did DIL not know what a loon her MIL up to
this point? I mean, there is a thing as too much information
especially to people who love to build up molehills.
--- End Quote ---
I'm sure she did; there's no way a snit like that came out of
the blue. But it's possible that she was trying extra-hard to
placate the old bat and show gratitude - maybe MIL had
previously complained that she was 'ungrateful',
'unappreciative' or some such - only to be smacked in the teeth
for it.
However, DIL's efforts have had one good result, even if it
wasn't the one she hoped for: she now knows for certain that her
MIL is so hostile that no degree of nicemaking and doormatting
will obtain toleration from her, let alone goodwill, and that
she can now give up trying with a clear conscience and go her
own sweet way. If MIL does write that offensive letter, in her
place I'd be strongly moved to reply "I'm sorry you find the
bedspread I made with my own hands an improper gift; but since
it offends you, feel free to send it back. I wouldn't like to
think of you being upset afresh every time you have to look at
it."
[/quote]
Amen to that.
If I were DIL, I ask her husband to get that blanket back from
his mother, since she obviously doesn’t appreciate it. Then
gift it to someone, anyone else who would appreciate it, perhaps
her own mother.
Story time: Years ago, my then DH wanted a long robe that
wasn’t terry cloth for his birthday. So I trotted myself to
every department store in the Bay Area and came up with zilch.
So I went to the fabric store, bought a pattern and fabric, and
sewed late into the night (he was on graveyard shift) for 3-4
days in secret, until completed. On his big day, I presented it
to him, he liked it, all was good. The next month, he blew off
my birthday, and when asked, he said, “Oh you only spent $25 on
my present, so I shouldn’t have to get you anything.” I didn’t
speak to him for a solid week, and my mother had to explain the
value of a hand-sewn item before he apologized.
#Post#: 19880--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: Aleko
Date: November 26, 2018, 4:56 am
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--- Quote ---
> Story time: Years ago, my then DH wanted a long robe that
wasn’t terry cloth for his birthday. So I trotted myself to
every department store in the Bay Area and came up with zilch.
So I went to the fabric store, bought a pattern and fabric, and
sewed late into the night (he was on graveyard shift) for 3-4
days in secret, until completed. On his big day, I presented it
to him, he liked it, all was good. The next month, he blew off
my birthday, and when asked, he said, “Oh you only spent $25 on
my present, so I shouldn’t have to get you anything.” I didn’t
speak to him for a solid week, and my mother had to explain the
value of a hand-sewn item before he apologized.
--- End Quote ---
Let me guess: his family just weren't good at giving and
accepting presents? This really is something you learn (or don't
learn) as a child. My DH's family was in thrall to a toxic (and
latterly clinically schizophrenic) aunt who at Christmas and
birthdays would give his parents some money to buy a present on
her behalf for her nephew, and insisted on being given in return
a present of the EXACT same value. If they couldn't find
something suitable for that price, they had to make the
difference up with a bag of sweets or something, or there would
be hell to pay. Sp when DH and I first got together, although he
is by nature a very generous person, and positively had to be
discouraged on splashing out on spontaneous gifts whenever I
mentioned in passing that I liked something, he still looked on
'official' gifting occasions like Christmas as a joyless ritual
exchange. Maybe your ex-DH had had a similar experience growing
up?
#Post#: 19882--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: Kimberami
Date: November 26, 2018, 5:58 am
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Congrats to the MIL! She's ensured that she will never receive a
lovingly made gift again.
#Post#: 19921--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: mime
Date: November 26, 2018, 9:34 am
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--- Quote from: Mary Sunshine Rain link ---
>
> I don't think it was necessary for the DIL to link the gift
card to the gift that she made.
>
> Presumably MIL gave her the gift card to make something nice
for herself, not to "recycle" into a gift for MIL. It just
didn't need to be mentioned.
>
> It's like I give you a gift card for Lands' End. You then use
it to buy me a sweater telling me that you used the gift card to
do it. I would feel like I just bought my own gift in a way.
>
> I don't know, there is just something too close about it that
makes it seem transactional.
>
> And I realize she is completely ignoring the huge effort of
time and skill that went into making the gift. As well as
making a mountain out of a molehill.
>
> I don't fault MIL for being offended at the connection, but
her DIL certainly didn't mean anything by it and now she is
hurting her DIL.
>
> However, did DIL not know what a loon her MIL up to this
point? I mean, there is a thing as too much information
especially to people who love to build up molehills.
>
> So technically, I don't think DIL did anything wrong. But, it
wasn't the best form to tell MIL the entire backstory to her
bedspread. Just give the gift: Look what I made for you!
Tada!
>
> Where you got your yarn, how you paid for it, etc--none of her
business and better left that way.
>
--- End Quote ---
You know, I can see this, but I can also see the DIL going
through a thought process where she already knows her MIL's
temperament, and the quest to find wrongdoing with DIL. DIL
could have even 'caused' a problem in the past by giving a
handmade item to someone else and not to MIL. Now, if DIL didn't
spend the gift card on yarn for MIL's gift, there's a good
chance that MIL would rant about how rude it is to *not*
reciprocate such a generous gift with a handmade item made from
the purchase. I mean, how else would she possibly show
gratitude? Didn't her parents raise her right? ::) I suppose
I'm making a lot of assumptions there, but that's the way MIL
'reads' to me.
So, yeah, if a person gave you a gift and they really wanted you
to enjoy it (rather than wanting to fulfil some obligation or
appearance of being generous), then you may not say "I paid for
your gift with the money you gave me" to avoid some awkwardness.
I just think MIL is in a different category of gift-giver,
though. I think DIL *may* have done better to not mention it,
but she was likely doomed from the start.
#Post#: 19924--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: gramma dishes
Date: November 26, 2018, 9:40 am
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What DIL should have said is "No, dear sweet MIL. I bought the
yarn for your gift myself. I used the yarn from the gift card
(that took you 1-1/2 minutes to purchase) to make an even
bigger, more beautiful blanket for my own mother!"
Where's the old devil with horns icon we used to have? ;)
#Post#: 19938--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: Luci
Date: November 26, 2018, 10:17 am
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It used to be a 'thing' to make little cards like "30 minute
back rub on demand", or "Your favorite strawberry pie with 3
hour warning" or "I'll mow the lawn the next 5 times," or "I’ll
dust and vacuum for you for a month," as a gift. Or even "Dad
will buy it and I’ll install it from both of us." Most didn’t
involve money at all, time only.
Were these thoughts of no value? Precious to me, and certainly
considered a gift far more than a random nick-back just to be
giving something.
#Post#: 19956--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: Twik
Date: November 26, 2018, 11:04 am
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The sad thing is the DIL was probably trying to follow the
etiquette rule of giving thanks for gifts with an indication of
how they would be used.
#Post#: 19958--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: NFPwife
Date: November 26, 2018, 11:22 am
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--- Quote from: Twik link ---
>
> The sad thing is the DIL was probably trying to follow the
etiquette rule of giving thanks for gifts with an indication of
how they would be used.
>
--- End Quote ---
I thought the same thing - that DIL was trying to say, "Here's
what I used the gift card on" without thinking about how it
could backfire with LW. But, as others have said, LW reads like
a field of landmines to me and DIL is bound to step on one no
matter what she does.
I'm wondering if we could start threads about the other two
letters.... Wowza to the first one.
#Post#: 19967--------------------------------------------------
Re: Is this really an etiquette gaffe?
DIR By: JeanFromBNA
Date: November 26, 2018, 1:33 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
--- Quote from: NFPwife link ---
>
> [quote author=Twik link=topic=830.msg19956#msg19956
date=1543251875]
> The sad thing is the DIL was probably trying to follow the
etiquette rule of giving thanks for gifts with an indication of
how they would be used.
>
--- End Quote ---
I thought the same thing - that DIL was trying to say, "Here's
what I used the gift card on" without thinking about how it
could backfire with LW. But, as others have said, LW reads like
a field of landmines to me and DIL is bound to step on one no
matter what she does.
I'm wondering if we could start threads about the other two
letters.... Wowza to the first one.
[/quote]
Go ahead. I'll join. Wowza is an understatement.
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