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#Post#: 19637--------------------------------------------------
The nerve of some guests!
By: katiekat2009 Date: November 23, 2018, 10:11 am
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I invited a couple of "strays" for Thanksgiving dinner
yesterday. Usually when I see these people we are in a group, of
whom all the rest are married. Individually, both asked me
(through text) before they arrived if I had invited a specific
other couple in the group. I specifically told them I had not.
The first of my two guests arrived and then got a phone call
from the second guest. (I could clearly hear both sides of the
conversation.) She had contacted the non-invited couple and
asked them if they wanted to come to my house!! Thankfully, the
non-invited couple had other plans but now they know I had the
others over and didn't invite them! I was very p.o.'d at second
guest! Who has the nerve to invite others to someone else's
party - specifically when I said I was not inviting them?! (By
the way, second guest never told me she called non-invited
couple, and I didn't bring it up.) The day turned out really
lovely so I am undecided about whether to ever invite either of
these guests again. Would you have said anything to second
guest? What do I now say to the non-invited couple when I run
into them?
#Post#: 19642--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: Jayhawk Date: November 23, 2018, 10:41 am
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Wow - my jaw is on the floor! If you do decide to invoice second
guest again, sounds like you may have to specifically school
them in guest etiquette - "I am only prepared for the guests
I've invited, so please don't take it upon yourself to invite
others." Not sure what you can say to non-invited couple;
perhaps it's a non-issue all the way around. If you're hosting
something else (NYE?), invite the couple and not the two
singles? Kind of "even things out"?
#Post#: 19648--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: Hanna Date: November 23, 2018, 11:28 am
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I’d consider addressing it now, with a phone call. “So glad you
could come yesterday. I was really surprised though that you
would invite extra people to my dinner without my ok. Why would
you do that?”
Then tell them you were not prepared to host more people than
you had invited and now are worried that these friends may have
been hurt to be excluded.
I’d be unlikely to invite these two again.
#Post#: 19650--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: lakey Date: November 23, 2018, 11:38 am
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Unless they are very important to you, I wouldn't invite them
again. This is not only rude, but impractical. What if the
extras had come and you didn't have enough chairs, room at the
table, or food?
If you are comfortable with it, it would be good to mention it,
since the one who did the inviting seems to have no idea that
this is rude.
#Post#: 19652--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: Pattycake Date: November 23, 2018, 11:59 am
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If I was not going to invite them again (and I wouldn't), I
wouldn't ask them about why they invited the other couple. Just
let it and them go. If the uninvited couple asks why they
weren't invited, there's all sorts of legitimate reasons you can
use - there's only so many people you can invite at one time is
usually good, and that's the reason you can use when the first
couple asks why they weren't invited to your next occasion!
#Post#: 19658--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: Aleko Date: November 23, 2018, 12:18 pm
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If the uninvited couple ask why they weren't invited (which, if
unlike OP's guests they have an ounce of social know-how, they
won't), the plain truth that OP only invited a couple of single
'waifs and strays' who might otherwise have been spending
Thanksgiving alone is perfectly acceptable. No need to fudge.
#Post#: 19659--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: lmyrs Date: November 23, 2018, 12:31 pm
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I'm confused about what the 1st guest did that would cause you
not to invite them back? The 2nd guest did the inviting, right?
The 1st guest just heard about it on the phone. Unless I'm
misunderstanding the whole post.
#Post#: 19661--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: TootsNYC Date: November 23, 2018, 1:09 pm
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I might be a little annoyed at the first guest for asking about
whether someone was going to be invited, and maybe there were
things the first guest said during that phone conversation that
were annoying. I hope katiekat2009 comes back and clarifies.
[quote]What do I now say to the non-invited couple when I run
into them?[/quote]
Say nothing to them; they may be smart and well-mannered enough
to know that they don't need to be invited everywhere that
everyone else is. And to know that they don't accept an
invitation to your house that comes from someone other than you.
If they bring it up, then say, "I had a limited guest list.
Oh, and I know that Suzanne called and invited you--but if I
have room to include you, I will always invite you directly."
For Person No. 2, it depends. Am I in a mood that I'm willing to
brave some discomfort in order to help someone be a better
person? In that case, I might call her and say, "Listen, I
overheard your phone conversation with Person No. 1, before you
arrived, and I wanted to say: It's not cool for you to invite
other people to my home. To anyone's home, really--it's not your
home.
"And it's not cool to go to other people who weren't invited
and talk to them about the event; it just creates awkwardnesses.
There are lots of reasons people don't get invited to things,
and nobody likes having their noses rubbed in it, hosts OR the
people not invited.
"I'm looking forward to including you in future gatherings,
but I need to know that you understand this kind of etiquette."
My MIL said to me during Thanksgiving cleanup at the cousin's
house that another cousin on the OTHER side of the family was
mostly alone (only her mom--no kids or sister, etc.). MIL said,
"I would have said, 'Come to Thanksgiving with us,' but it's not
my house!"
It just seems like such a no-brainer!
(oh, and, can I just say? Covetousness. "treating things that
belong to other people as though they are yours to control")
#Post#: 19664--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: caroled Date: November 23, 2018, 1:22 pm
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[quote author=lmyrs link=topic=829.msg19659#msg19659
date=1542997917]
I'm confused about what the 1st guest did that would cause you
not to invite them back? The 2nd guest did the inviting, right?
The 1st guest just heard about it on the phone. Unless I'm
misunderstanding the whole post.
[/quote]
From my take on it, both guests 1 &2 asked host if they invited
other couple. After guest 1s arrival, they spoke to #2 on the
phone who then proceeded to tell #1 they had asked other couple
to join in. It appears that 1&2 both wanted to have this other
couple as part of the group even though host has clearly stated
they weren't invited. #2 seems to have less tact and manners as
to invites these uninvited guests, but #1 was clearly in on it
as well.
Katiekat, As for me, I think I would fade out from inviting
them to future events I hosted. You lucked up in that these
other guests had plans. You may enjoy them in a group setting or
not, but as part of the same group can't avoid them( and that's
OK). Guests 1&2 have shown you they have no qualms about
inviting others to your party/ event, and therefor this same
scenario could occur again, without the benefit of the other
guests already having plans. DO you really want to face an
evening of guests you truly don't want to entertain all because
someone else has no manners? Having been a possibility once ,
you can surely see how it is a likelihood of happening again.
And I wouldn't say anything to other guest about reasons why
they weren't originally invited by you. If they are uncouth
enough to ask, then Aleko's thoughts about the strays is the
best and truthful option.
#Post#: 19670--------------------------------------------------
Re: The nerve of some guests!
By: guest657 Date: November 23, 2018, 2:53 pm
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You do have to be careful when taking in "strays," because
sometimes they are not properly socialized or housebroken.
If they were otherwise good company and seem like they may just
be oblivious, you could mention it to both couples at the time
of the next invitation - "This isn't an open house. I've
already invited everyone I have room for. Please don't invite
extra people along with you, because I won't have enough
space/food/drinks for anyone else."
If they ask whether specific people were invited, I'd say, "No,
and please don't mention it, because that puts them into an
embarrassing position and could hurt their feelings."
I might even add to Guest 2, "... please don't call them up like
you did with Other Couple..."
But honestly, I'd probably just stop inviting them. Life is too
short to re-educate adults who should have learned this stuff by
age eight or so.
When you see Other Couple, don't say anything. It was Guest 2
who committed the faux pas, not you. It sounds like there are a
number of other people in the group, so it's not as if you
singled them out to be excluded.
If they bring it up, you might say, "Yeah, I have no idea why
Person 2 did that. How was your Thanksgiving?"
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