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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 18752--------------------------------------------------
“There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: NyaChan Date: November 10, 2018, 6:10 pm
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I’m sharing this partly because I think the behavior is nutty
but also to see what posters would do if they were the bride or
groom in this situation. Sorry for the length!
Background: In Indian/Pakistani Muslim weddings most of
pre-wedding parties, ceremony, and wedding reception are usually
hosted by the bride’s family. The groom’s family will then
throw a second reception (Walima) for the married couple. While
people are often invited to all the parties, in the States, it
isn’t odd or rude to only be invited to the groom’s family’s
reception if you have no connection to the bride or her family.
My parents were invited to a Walima for a couple that are very
distantly connected by a couple marriages (my uncle’s niece by
marriage’s husband’s cousin). The invitations were fancy, a big
deal was made by the groom’s family of how the event would be at
an Omni hotel and quite swanky. Everything seemed to be going
well - relatives and friends flew in from across the country and
from India. The events hosted by the bride’s family went
through and my mom & dad are in their car dressed to the nines
on the way to the Walima when she gets a text from a friend
telling her not to come because they and other guests had parked
their car ($$ valet parking), gone into the hotel and were then
told by the staff that there was no event scheduled for that
couple.
The community was buzzing wondering what the heck happened but
if anyone had the guts to ask the couple or their parents, they
weren’t sharing. The groom’s family showed up at my parent’s
dinner party a week later and said not one word about it. A
mutual friend said just her daughter had been invited to another
Walima at the groom’s family home that same night for a small
group of people but no family, none of the relatives who had
flown in were present and the bride didn’t smile even once. My
mom finally caved and asked my uncle’s niece if she could tell
her what had happened. The niece (Dina) says, yes, in fact my
husband (Dan) gave me express permission to tell people because
he is so fed up with his relatives.
The groom’s father had shown up to their house the week of the
party saying he needed help because the hotel had messed up and
now he needed cash to get the party happening. He said he’d
need at least 5k. Dan and his parents were all ready to pull
out the wallets when Dina started asking questions. You see,
despite living large, this was not the first time this relative
had come over with his hand out. After much probing about what
“at least 5k” would actually be, the relative finally admitted
he needed 45k and had never really finalized the arrangements
with the hotel. They should give him this money because how
could they be so hard-hearted as to deny his son the party he
deserves and leave them humiliated before the whole community???
Rather than laugh him out of the house, they actually offered to
help. Dina and her husband found another venue, figured out a
menu they could afford and called to offer it as a gift. The
relative demanded to know what the menu would be, barked out
that it sounded cheap and hung up on them. Dina then had to hide
her MIL’s bank cards and information because she had just
received an inheritance and history had shown the relative was
not above bullying the woman into giving him money. When phone
calls to the MIL didn’t work, they didn’t hear anything more
until people tried and failed to attend the Walima at the Omni.
The groom’s family, having rejected the offer of an affordable
Walima, neglected to tell any of their guests aside from small
group of people invited to their home (friends of the bride and
groom) that the event at the Omni was not happening and were now
trying to brazen the whole thing out by pretending it never
happened. The couple, feeling embarrassed and angry that they’d
now have no Walima insisted on at least having their friends
over. As the relative was blaming his side of the family for the
problem, they were getting the silent treatment. Until they
want money again I’m guessing...
#Post#: 18756--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: Pattycake Date: November 10, 2018, 6:36 pm
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[emoji47][emoji21]
#Post#: 18757--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: guest657 Date: November 10, 2018, 6:37 pm
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:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
:o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o :o
There are not enough emojis on the internet for this.
If I were the groom, I would write to all the invited guests and
apologize for my parents' behavior, and make sure they knew I
had nothing to do with it. If possible, I'd make a schedule with
my spouse so we could invite one or two couples at a time during
the next year or so, for a dinner at our home. And I'd make sure
and reach out to the relatives my dad was blaming, to make sure
we stayed in touch.
Then again, I come from a different culture and am well over 40.
The groom here may not be emotionally able to disconnect from
his dad to that extent, especially if it would be seen as
"disloyal" or "humiliating" for the dad. And especially if he is
still young.
But I hope this wedge the father is driving doesn't cut the
bride and groom off from their extended family.
Absolutely appalling.
#Post#: 18777--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: Aleko Date: November 11, 2018, 6:30 am
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All I can hope is that this couple actually really did want to
marry each other, and that their affection will help them
weather the storm. If this was an arranged marriage, perhaps the
best they could do would be to head straight for divorce lawyers
and cut their losses.
#Post#: 18791--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: myfamily Date: November 11, 2018, 10:44 am
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Why would you say that? Because the couple is Muslim? If this
had been about a wedding taking place in a church and the
reception at a country club didn't happen due to the same issue,
would you have said the same thing?
#Post#: 18793--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: SioCat Date: November 11, 2018, 11:04 am
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[quote author=myfamily link=topic=801.msg18791#msg18791
date=1541954640]
Why would you say that? Because the couple is Muslim? If this
had been about a wedding taking place in a church and the
reception at a country club didn't happen due to the same issue,
would you have said the same thing?
[/quote]
What part are you asking about?
#Post#: 18796--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: NyaChan Date: November 11, 2018, 12:33 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=801.msg18777#msg18777
date=1541939430]
All I can hope is that this couple actually really did want to
marry each other, and that their affection will help them
weather the storm. If this was an arranged marriage, perhaps the
best they could do would be to head straight for divorce lawyers
and cut their losses.
[/quote]
Wow. That’s what you took away from my story? The sad thing is
for a half second I debated giving any specifics on the culture
and then told myself, no, I don’t have to worry about that in
this forum.
#Post#: 18797--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: myfamily Date: November 11, 2018, 12:52 pm
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[quote author=SioCat link=topic=801.msg18793#msg18793
date=1541955894]
[quote author=myfamily link=topic=801.msg18791#msg18791
date=1541954640]
Why would you say that? Because the couple is Muslim? If this
had been about a wedding taking place in a church and the
reception at a country club didn't happen due to the same issue,
would you have said the same thing?
[/quote]
What part are you asking about?
[/quote]
I am asking Aleko why she is assuming that this was an arranged
marriage and if this had been a non-Muslim marriage, would she
have asked the same question.
#Post#: 18802--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: Bada Date: November 11, 2018, 3:37 pm
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[quote author=myfamily link=topic=801.msg18797#msg18797
date=1541962342]
[quote author=SioCat link=topic=801.msg18793#msg18793
date=1541955894]
[quote author=myfamily link=topic=801.msg18791#msg18791
date=1541954640]
Why would you say that? Because the couple is Muslim? If this
had been about a wedding taking place in a church and the
reception at a country club didn't happen due to the same issue,
would you have said the same thing?
[/quote]
What part are you asking about?
[/quote]
I am asking Aleko why she is assuming that this was an arranged
marriage and if this had been a non-Muslim marriage, would she
have asked the same question.
[/quote]
Maybe Aleko was reading way too much into the line about how the
bride never smiled the entirety of the party? I was wondering
myself if she was just really stressed from the Walima mishap or
whether there was something deeper upsetting her.
#Post#: 18803--------------------------------------------------
Re: “There is no event scheduled under those names”
By: guest725 Date: November 11, 2018, 4:01 pm
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[quote author=Aleko link=topic=801.msg18777#msg18777
date=1541939430]
All I can hope is that this couple actually really did want to
marry each other, and that their affection will help them
weather the storm. If this was an arranged marriage, perhaps the
best they could do would be to head straight for divorce lawyers
and cut their losses.
[/quote]
Assumptions aside, why do you think the couple should file for
divorce? What losses need to be cut? I don't understand your
logic. Please explain.
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