DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 18340--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Hmmm Date: November 6, 2018, 10:44 am
---------------------------------------------------------
A couple of points from me.
It's only been in recent years that receiving a wedding
invitation (or other gift giving event) was seen as potentially
"gift grabs". Couples were told to invite people they would like
to attend and not take into account whether the person would be
able to attend. And wedding invitations could also be used to
inform of an upcoming wedding and tell someone that they would
be welcome even if you know that your elderly uncle wouldn't be
traveling to the wedding. It was seen as much more hurtful to
not send an invite and have the person later find out you were
married and they didn't even rate an invitation. So I choose to
continue to think the best of my friends and see all invitations
that way.
I also do not come from a culture where the cost of the gift is
tied to the cost of hosting a guest. It wasn't until I joined
eHell that I had even heard of that concept. Instead, gifts were
based on how close you were to the couple and your own personal
finances. So an aunt who was financially well off would probably
give a more expensive gift than the co-worker you met at your
first job post college 2 years ago. But they'd both be hosted
to the same level.
In your situation, I think your plans for a $30 gift is fine.
You're no longer close to this person, but she did attend your
wedding. But I would send a separate card of congratulations.
edited to fix typo.
#Post#: 18350--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: kckgirl Date: November 6, 2018, 11:53 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=790.msg18340#msg18340
date=1541522672]
Your no longer close to this person, but she did attend your
wedding. But I would send a separate card of congratulations.
[/quote]
I would do this, too. You may want to mention that you already
had plans to travel to the area that day, but due to your
husband's work schedule you cannot get there in time. If you say
that, even if she sees any Facebook posts, it won't be a
surprise with possible hurt feelings.
#Post#: 18352--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Winterlight Date: November 6, 2018, 12:01 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=790.msg18350#msg18350
date=1541526819]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=790.msg18340#msg18340
date=1541522672]
Your no longer close to this person, but she did attend your
wedding. But I would send a separate card of congratulations.
[/quote]
I would do this, too. You may want to mention that you already
had plans to travel to the area that day, but due to your
husband's work schedule you cannot get there in time. If you say
that, even if she sees any Facebook posts, it won't be a
surprise with possible hurt feelings.
[/quote]
Agreed. That seems like the kindest way to handle things.
#Post#: 18362--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: DaDancingPsych Date: November 6, 2018, 12:56 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Bada link=topic=790.msg18324#msg18324
date=1541516410]
I'm not planning to comment at all on the lack of a STD (DH
already talked me out of that), so I don't see how my token gift
would be viewed as a "statement". I actually did consider
making a comment about the STD, but only to give context: I have
concerns that she'll see on FB that I'm in Relatively Nearby Big
City that same day (we land at 5pm, the wedding is a few hours
away at 2pm, so I literally couldn't make it in time). She'll
know that I didn't come to her wedding and I don't want her to
feel hurt that I avoided her on purpose. I'm hoping that she'll
be so busy with wedding stuff it won't register and that it
won't look like a slight. Maybe I'll remove her from FB posts
for a couple of days to avoid that issue.
[/quote]
Do not mention the lack of a STD card. It will not magically
produce one in the past and is likely to come off as being
judgmental. If you are concerned about being close to the
wedding and not attending, then simply decline with a note like
"I am sorry that we cannot attend, as we have previous plans.
Best wishes and blah blah blah." True, had she sent a STD card
you *might* have been able to adjust the plans, but she didn't,
you can't, it is what it is. Unless she is some sort of terrible
person, she is likely to not even notice or care that your plans
were actually in the general area of her wedding.
While I know and would tell you that it is not the value of the
gift that matters, I understand the tit for tat point of view.
Your selected gift sounds lovely from someone not attending the
event. And it sounds like it is of similar value to what she
gave. But let us assume that the bride deems your gift as being
"cheap", do you really care? The impression that I am getting is
that this is someone you used to be close with and you are not
looking to hurt her, but you are not all that interested in
rekindling the friendship. And if you found out that she has
turned into the sort of petty person to look at the value of
wedding gifts to determine the value of relationships, is this
really someone you want in your life again? I would send the
planned gift and wash my hands of the worry. Hopefully she will
send a lovely thank you note and you can feel good about your
deed.
#Post#: 18367--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: lmyrs Date: November 6, 2018, 1:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
Mentioning the lack of STD sounds judgmental because it is
judgmental. No one should feel obligated to send STD cards and 8
weeks is plenty early for invitations. This particular event at
this particular time with this particular notice didn't work out
for the OP. Just because you are inconvenienced, doesn't mean
someone else was rude. Sometimes these things just happen.
#Post#: 18381--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Bada Date: November 6, 2018, 3:18 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=kckgirl link=topic=790.msg18350#msg18350
date=1541526819]
[quote author=Hmmm link=topic=790.msg18340#msg18340
date=1541522672]
Your no longer close to this person, but she did attend your
wedding. But I would send a separate card of congratulations.
[/quote]
I would do this, too. You may want to mention that you already
had plans to travel to the area that day, but due to your
husband's work schedule you cannot get there in time. If you say
that, even if she sees any Facebook posts, it won't be a
surprise with possible hurt feelings.
[/quote]
It's not really his work schedule that's the problem, though.
It's the fact that airlines don't let you change your tickets
without losing just about everything you spent on them and I'm
not willing to flush $1,000 down the toilet. I'll have to work
on the wording for my card. Maybe I'll just lay the blame there
and be done with it.
Thank you also to those of you who raised the idea of sending a
separate card--honestly it hadn't occurred to me to send
something separate. I'll have to go find something nice.
[quote author=lmyrs link=topic=790.msg18367#msg18367
date=1541533148]
Mentioning the lack of STD sounds judgmental because it is
judgmental. No one should feel obligated to send STD cards and 8
weeks is plenty early for invitations. This particular event at
this particular time with this particular notice didn't work out
for the OP. Just because you are inconvenienced, doesn't mean
someone else was rude. Sometimes these things just happen.
[/quote]
I think this is just a word-choice issue on my part. I wouldn't
have literally said "If you'd sent a STD, I would have come."
But I would have said (and will end up saying) something along
the lines of the above--that unfortunately I'm not able to make
it because I had already made other arrangements that could not
be changed, or that we weren't able to make it due to DH's work
schedule already being planned out (we are asked to plan our
vacations for 2019 in October of 2018; you can ask for minor
changes with as little as 2-3 months notice but less than that
and they get cranky).
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=790.msg18332#msg18332
date=1541520328]
[snipped]
Please understand that I don't wish to attack you personally
when I say that I (and a lot of other people) find the "pay for
your plate" idea actively disgusting. [snipped]
[/quote]
It's how I was raised, that's what I mean by it's "ingrained" in
me. I'm trying to overcome that mentality, and discussions like
this are a part of that. Please be patient with me while I work
out my childhood demons. :P
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page