DIR Return Create A Forum - Home
---------------------------------------------------------
Bad Manners and Brimstone
HTML https://badmanners.createaforum.com
---------------------------------------------------------
*****************************************************
DIR Return to: Weddings
*****************************************************
#Post#: 18238--------------------------------------------------
How much do you spend?
By: Bada Date: November 5, 2018, 3:39 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I have a friend, Lucy, from a number of years back. At one
point we were even roommates. I used to visit her (I lived in
her hometown for a while then moved away; since then I've moved
even further away). She came to my wedding a few years back and
brought a date and a gift.
I haven't seen her in years and don't chat with her at all (the
last time she contacted me it was a few years back saying "I
know a person who's going to be in your town for Super Early
Morning event, can she sleep on your floor?"; when I said that
wouldn't be possible, I never heard back at all).
I recently got an invitation to Lucy's wedding. I no longer
live in the same part of the country, but I only got the invite
6-8 weeks in advance of the wedding. I never got a save the date
or any hint I'd be invited. The really frustrating part (which
is not really relevant, except maybe it's coloring my views of
things) is that I'll actually be in that general area for the
holidays and--had I known about the wedding sooner--could have
fairly easily rearranged the trip to include it. But now that
airfare has been purchased, it's not possible. So I don't know
whether she really wants me there or I'm just a gift
opportunity, or maybe she just doesn't have a lot of friends she
wanted to invite, or she wants to rekindle a friendship of
sorts. I don't really know.
I want to give her a gift. But I'm wavering on what to give and
how much. I don't want to look cheap (my husband has a really
good job and she probably knows it, even though we don't talk
anymore), but I don't want to spend too much on a gift for
someone I don't really have an active friendship with anymore.
A lot of the "good" items (that middle of the road prices) on
the registry have already been purchased, so I thought about
sending a check, but does a $25 check look cheap?
Typing this out has helped me decide, I think. I think I'm
going to buy 3 $10 items from her registry (kitchen stuff that
kind of reminds me of the conversations/events from when we
lived together) and call it done. And a short note with the
gift, since that's all Amazon allows for.
Even though I think I have decided, I'm going to leave the post
in case anyone else wants to weigh in on the situation. Maybe
you can send me a virtual hug about an invitation that comes so
late that you can't make plans to be there, even though you
would have if you'd gotten a save the date? I'd like to have
gone, but I'm not going to spend hundreds of dollars to change
airfare. The "6-8 weeks in advance" rule just doesn't make
sense in modern times, IMHO.
#Post#: 18248--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: jpcher Date: November 5, 2018, 4:46 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Bada link=topic=790.msg18238#msg18238
date=1541453941]
She came to my wedding a few years back and brought a date and a
gift.
(snip)
Typing this out has helped me decide, I think. I think I'm
going to buy 3 $10 items from her registry (kitchen stuff that
kind of reminds me of the conversations/events from when we
lived together) and call it done. And a short note with the
gift, since that's all Amazon allows for.
[/quote]
What type of gift did she and date give you for your wedding? I
think a reciprocal amount would be called for even though you
have drifted apart.
On the other hand, since it's been years since you've had any
contact with her, I think your decision of 3 smaller items from
her registry would be perfectly acceptable.
Do you have any desire at all to rekindle the relationship? It
almost sounds like you would have given it a chance had you
known about the wedding sooner. If this is the case then I would
follow-up the short amazon note with a card saying "Congrats!
Best Wishes! If you're ever in this area please give me a call!"
Or something more personal like that. Do not apologize for
missing the wedding, no explanation needed.
#Post#: 18250--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: NyaChan Date: November 5, 2018, 4:58 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
My gut is that you shouldn’t give more than you can without
feeling resentful. No matter how much you can actually afford to
give, one penny over that is too much. 30 is perfectly fine for
someone who is essentially a “used to know” as it is more about
the nostalgia and a little obligation/for appearances than it is
genuine love.
#Post#: 18262--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: mime Date: November 5, 2018, 6:04 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
I agree with NyaChan.
Consider both what your pocketbook and your heart can afford--
give what you can give joyfully.
I'd hope that your old friend has enough grace to accept a token
or a mid-sized gift in the spirit in which it was given, and to
think fondly of you when she uses it. If not... well... you're
not really in each others' lives anymore, so let it go and be
done with it. I just read through some of your thought process,
and think you're doing a very thoughtful thing in your gift
selection. :)
#Post#: 18281--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: guest725 Date: November 5, 2018, 9:12 pm
---------------------------------------------------------
You sound really resentful so I don't know why you'd bother
sending her a gift at all, unless it's to make a statement that
you'd have attended had she lived up to your expectations of
STDs.
#Post#: 18293--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Aleko Date: November 6, 2018, 1:48 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]your expectations of STDs
[/quote]
Where I come from, STD stands for 'Sexually Transmitted
Disease'. :o :o :o What does it mean here?
#Post#: 18298--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: KeyWest Date: November 6, 2018, 3:30 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=790.msg18293#msg18293
date=1541490490]
[quote]your expectations of STDs
[/quote]
Where I come from, STD stands for 'Sexually Transmitted
Disease'. :o :o :o What does it mean here?
[/quote]
Save the date (- the first time i encountered this non-medical
abbrevation , I needed the context to understand it.)
#Post#: 18312--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: NyaChan Date: November 6, 2018, 7:58 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=puppylove link=topic=790.msg18281#msg18281
date=1541473950]
You sound really resentful so I don't know why you'd bother
sending her a gift at all, unless it's to make a statement that
you'd have attended had she lived up to your expectations of
STDs.
[/quote]
How would sending a gift be a message about the lack of Save the
Date? I’m reading her feelings on that as more of a -
I’m not 100% keen on attending if it means exerting extra
effort but you know what, I didn’t get a SAve the date
anyways so I have a little cover for deciding not to go above
and beyond now to get there. Nothing wrong with that in my
opinion. Also it’s really not uncommon to send a gift -
token or otherwise - when you can’t make a life event.
I’ve done it for baby showers, graduations, and yes,
weddings
#Post#: 18324--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Bada Date: November 6, 2018, 9:00 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=790.msg18250#msg18250
date=1541458739]
My gut is that you shouldn’t give more than you can without
feeling resentful. No matter how much you can actually afford to
give, one penny over that is too much. 30 is perfectly fine for
someone who is essentially a “used to know” as it is more about
the nostalgia and a little obligation/for appearances than it is
genuine love.
[/quote]
Thank you. This is reassuring! That's exactly how I would
describe my relationship with her right now.
[quote author=jpcher link=topic=790.msg18248#msg18248
date=1541458000]
What type of gift did she and date give you for your wedding? I
think a reciprocal amount would be called for even though you
have drifted apart.
On the other hand, since it's been years since you've had any
contact with her, I think your decision of 3 smaller items from
her registry would be perfectly acceptable.
Do you have any desire at all to rekindle the relationship? It
almost sounds like you would have given it a chance had you
known about the wedding sooner. If this is the case then I would
follow-up the short amazon note with a card saying "Congrats!
Best Wishes! If you're ever in this area please give me a call!"
Or something more personal like that. Do not apologize for
missing the wedding, no explanation needed.
[/quote]
This was part of my hangup. I think (it's been 5 years) she gave
a piece of luggage and some kitschy household decor (with a
clearance sticker on one, I remember that for sure, lol). She
and her BF drove a few hours to get to my wedding and probably
stayed at a hotel. But I gave them an open bar (though she
doesn't drink), a fancy dinner, and an excellent DJ at my
reception. If I'm not being hosted, I feel like I shouldn't
have to pay as much for a gift for someone I used to be friends
with. The "tit for tat" (and "pay for your plate") wedding gift
mentality is ingrained in me, and I have a hard time with it in
situations like these. Thank you guys for helping me process
this issue.
We bonded over mutual moral beliefs, but we (she) never had much
to say in the way of conversation. It makes it really tough to
have a long distance friendship, so I don't see myself
rekindling it...but it would have been nice to show support for
her on her big day; it's been a long time coming.
[quote author=NyaChan link=topic=790.msg18312#msg18312
date=1541512682]
[quote author=puppylove link=topic=790.msg18281#msg18281
date=1541473950]
You sound really resentful so I don't know why you'd bother
sending her a gift at all, unless it's to make a statement that
you'd have attended had she lived up to your expectations of
STDs.
[/quote]
How would sending a gift be a message about the lack of Save the
Date? I’m reading her feelings on that as more of a - I’m not
100% keen on attending if it means exerting extra effort but you
know what, I didn’t get a SAve the date anyways so I have a
little cover for deciding not to go above and beyond now to get
there. Nothing wrong with that in my opinion. Also it’s really
not uncommon to send a gift - token or otherwise - when you
can’t make a life event. I’ve done it for baby showers,
graduations, and yes, weddings
[/quote]
Puppylove: Your response was very...characteristic...of all of
your posts. Yes, I admitted that my perception is probably
colored since I got the STD too late to make arrangements to go.
But I don't begrudge sending a gift generally. I do begrudge
the idea that I'm obligated to spend $50 or $75 and I was
wondering if it's OK not to (thanks to those who affirmed it).
I'm not planning to comment at all on the lack of a STD (DH
already talked me out of that), so I don't see how my token gift
would be viewed as a "statement". I actually did consider
making a comment about the STD, but only to give context: I have
concerns that she'll see on FB that I'm in Relatively Nearby Big
City that same day (we land at 5pm, the wedding is a few hours
away at 2pm, so I literally couldn't make it in time). She'll
know that I didn't come to her wedding and I don't want her to
feel hurt that I avoided her on purpose. I'm hoping that she'll
be so busy with wedding stuff it won't register and that it
won't look like a slight. Maybe I'll remove her from FB posts
for a couple of days to avoid that issue.
Nya: It's more that I'm not keen on spending an extra $$$
(however much canceling cross-country plane tickets and rebuying
them would be for 3 people--it's not cheap these days), making
my husband ask for a last minute day off work, canceling plans
I'd already begun to make with other friends, etc, etc. More
warning would have meant I could plan it all at the same time
and not have to cancel and rearrange.
#Post#: 18332--------------------------------------------------
Re: How much do you spend?
By: Aleko Date: November 6, 2018, 10:05 am
---------------------------------------------------------
[quote]The "tit for tat" (and "pay for your plate") wedding gift
mentality is ingrained in me, and I have a hard time with it in
situations like these. [/quote]
Please understand that I don't wish to attack you personally
when I say that I (and a lot of other people) find the "pay for
your plate" idea actively disgusting. If the bridal couple (or
their parents, or whoever's paying) can't afford the cost of a
lavish wedding, they should have a modest one; they shouldn't
expect to get their outlay back from the guests in cash or
resaleable goods, any more than I should have expected to get
back the costs of the fireworks party I gave last Saturday.
I agree that the monetary value of a wedding present can be a
tricky thing to compute, factoring in as it must the giver's
financial status, the closeness and warmth of the relationship,
and the value of presents exchanged between you in the past. The
cost of attending the wedding may also be a relevant factor - if
it is a destination wedding which will require the guests to dig
into their pockets for intercontinental airfares and resort
hotels, the bridal couple have no right to expect as lavish
gifts as if the guests had only had to put on their best frocks
and take a long drive. But I don't think the cost of the event
to the principals should have anything to do with it. (My
wedding was more rather upmarket than those of either of my
brothers; but I would be honestly appalled if I thought that any
of our friends-and-relations had seen fit to give them less
expensive wedding presents for that reason. Happily, I'm sure
that they didn't.)
*****************************************************
DIR Next Page