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Bad Manners and Brimstone
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#Post#: 16917--------------------------------------------------
When you are members of the family...
By: Thitpualso Date: October 23, 2018, 11:33 am
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...after a fashion.
We were often invited for Thanksgiving at SIL’s house for the
big dinner. We were never invited to stay at the house but that
was our choice. A hotel was better suited to our needs and we
footed the bill for meals for everyone who was staying at the
family home and attended the parties.
At Thanksgiving, the family portrait for SIL’s Christmas card
was taken on the steps of the house. We were the ones who took
the photo. I can understand why we weren’t included in the
picture.
Years went by and the children of SIL got married. There was
always the big family photograph taken on the day of the
Wedding. In laws, Grand parents, spouses and children of
members of the Wedding party were included but we were never
invited to join the photo op even when Mr. Thipu was the only
uncle of the Bride or Groom.
Am I wrong to feel that we were a bit left out?
#Post#: 16919--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: gramma dishes Date: October 23, 2018, 11:40 am
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I would have felt left out too. Seems you were far more
generous toward your SIL's house guests than SIL herself. Why
did you keep playing that Santa Claus role when you were so
obviously treated differently from everyone else in the family,
both financially and emotionally?
#Post#: 16923--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: lmyrs Date: October 23, 2018, 12:19 pm
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[quote author=Thitpualso link=topic=764.msg16917#msg16917
date=1540312438]
...after a fashion.
We were often invited for Thanksgiving at SIL’s house for the
big dinner. We were never invited to stay at the house but that
was our choice. A hotel was better suited to our needs and we
footed the bill for meals for everyone who was staying at the
family home and attended the parties.
At Thanksgiving, the family portrait for SIL’s Christmas card
was taken on the steps of the house. We were the ones who took
the photo. I can understand why we weren’t included in the
picture.
Years went by and the children of SIL got married. There was
always the big family photograph taken on the day of the
Wedding. In laws, Grand parents, spouses and children of
members of the Wedding party were included but we were never
invited to join the photo op even when Mr. Thipu was the only
uncle of the Bride or Groom.
Am I wrong to feel that we were a bit left out?
[/quote]
this was[quote author=STiG link=topic=755.msg16901#msg16901
date=1540304472]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=755.msg16895#msg16895
date=1540301068]
I once lost my furry winter gloves over Christmas, and in early
January I walked the length of Oxford Street in London being
sneered at by multiple shop assistants with 'Winter gloves,
madam? Dear me no, we stop stocking those at the end of
November.') In one of the great shopping streets of the world,
in midwinter, I couldn't get any kind of winter gloves at all.
[/quote]
I was visiting my friend in California in February. It was 70+
degrees out. I was wearing shorts and t-shirts and I ran out of
sunscreen. I went to buy some and they didn't stock it. 'It's
a seasonal item', they said. Seriously? I can wear shorts
almost year round here and sunscreen is a seasonal item? I
always made sure to have a full bottle going to visit her after
that.
[/quote][quote author=STiG link=topic=755.msg16901#msg16901
date=1540304472]
[quote author=Aleko link=topic=755.msg16895#msg16895
date=1540301068]
I once lost my furry winter gloves over Christmas, and in early
January I walked the length of Oxford Street in London being
sneered at by multiple shop assistants with 'Winter gloves,
madam? Dear me no, we stop stocking those at the end of
November.') In one of the great shopping streets of the world,
in midwinter, I couldn't get any kind of winter gloves at all.
[/quote]
I was visiting my friend in California in February. It was 70+
degrees out. I was wearing shorts and t-shirts and I ran out of
sunscreen. I went to buy some and they didn't stock it. 'It's
a seasonal item', they said. Seriously? I can wear shorts
almost year round here and sunscreen is a seasonal item? I
always made sure to have a full bottle going to visit her after
that.
[/quote]T
These family photos seem like normal family photos. Uncles
aren't the same as parents or grandparents or children. If some
uncles were invited, but others are not, that is hurtful. But no
aunts or uncles seems pretty normal to me
#Post#: 16925--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: TeamBhakta Date: October 23, 2018, 12:23 pm
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If you guys have been left out long enough that children are now
of marriage age, this is the time to let it go. It's too late
for "Hey, SIL, I noticed you've been excluding me for decades.
How about knocking it off ?" Make alternate plans for holidays
without the SIL's FOC. Don't send nice wedding gifts to the
relatives who treat you like that.
#Post#: 16929--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: HenrysMom Date: October 23, 2018, 12:46 pm
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You know, if they see you as good enough to give them
money/stuff, then you should be good enough to get into a family
photo or two. At this point, I would stop with the generosity,
if you haven’t already, and start making plans of your own for
holidays.
As the aunt, I’ve been in your shoes more times than I can
count. With life changes, I’m not now in a position to want to
continue being generous with no acknowledgement, appreciation,
or (heck, I’ll even take a bit of) gratitude.
#Post#: 16935--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: Luci Date: October 23, 2018, 1:22 pm
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I think you should continue to attend taking only what is normal
to you such a dish to pass and horses gift, gut not be generous
to other people who are in the hotel.
We have a borderline couple whom we love and are kind of
related, but when we take those family pictures of our progeny
and spouses we take just us and then one with everyone who
attended, then share both.
#Post#: 16939--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: mime Date: October 23, 2018, 1:46 pm
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I'm sorry you feel like you're a second-tier relation, when you
likely consider them to be first-tier.
Side note:
When I married, I had only 2 uncles, and they were cherished
guests. My absolute most favorite picture from my wedding is a
candid shot of those two uncles chatting together. That was my
mom's brother and my dad's brother, so my wedding was one of
very few times they ever would have a reason to be in the same
place. That fact-- the fact that they were together because they
were there for me-- made the picture all the more special.
I'm sorry you haven't felt like your presence was so greatly
appreciated.
Do you know if there are others in the family gatherings who
also seem to be relegated to the outer-ring? If it were me, I'd
be looking to connect with other people who were in the same
situation while at these family events; I think it would make me
feel less left-out. I know that to some, it may feel like giving
up, but that's what I'd do. :-\
#Post#: 16941--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: gramma dishes Date: October 23, 2018, 2:50 pm
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[quote author=Thitpualso link=topic=764.msg16917#msg16917
date=1540312438]
We were often invited for Thanksgiving at SIL’s house for the
big dinner. We were never invited to stay at the house but that
was our choice. A hotel was better suited to our needs and we
footed the bill for meals for everyone who was staying at the
family home and attended the parties. ...
[/quote]
I already commented, but I went back and reread just to be sure.
Do I understand this right? Even though the other people were
guests of your SIL and they were staying at her house, you were
paying for all those people's meals? ??? :o
#Post#: 16942--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: Jem Date: October 23, 2018, 2:55 pm
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I am not sure I follow the issue here. Is SIL your husband's
sister? You said that you understood why you were not included
in photos, so I am not following why you now DON'T understand
why you are not included. As others pointed out, it makes sense
to have spouses of SIL's children included in photos but not the
children's uncle and his wife (your DH and you). It makes sense
to have photos of the wedding party but not the bride's uncle
and his wife (unless they are part of the wedding party).
I think if you feel excluded, you do, but I am not sure that it
makes sense to feel that way.
#Post#: 16959--------------------------------------------------
Re: When you are members of the family...
By: jpcher Date: October 23, 2018, 4:57 pm
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No. Absolutely not wrong for feeling left out.
Your story reminded me of something that happened on Tgiving day
maybe 15 years ago when LDH was still alive. Not-quite-yet SIL
(she was engaged to LDH's brother, but not married yet) was
hosting. I had been married to LDH for close to 8 years and we
had our daughters with us.
At one point MIL said I'd like to have a picture taken of all my
kids with me. Both NQY-SIL and I got up to join the photo-op.
MIL said "No, no, no. I mean just my kids. Even my DDs were
looking a bit lost. NQY-SIL had two daughters from a previous
marriage who were wondering what to do as well. (MIL has never
truly accepted them as part of her family.)
A friend was there (offered to take the photo) and said "They
are all your kids! Let's make this a nice family photo!" MIL
gave in and you could tell that she was just not happy with the
photo. It was quite awkward.
A year later we received a framed photo gift for Christmas from
MIL's daughter that had MIL and her four adult children standing
in front of a fireplace. Don't know when that was taken, must
have been the next Tgiving and I bet MIL's daughter's husband
was the one that took the picture.
DD#1 looked at it and said something like "What are we going to
do with this? The whole family should be together."
Now I love my MIL to death but she's always had this firm hard
line. I'm an in-law. Not the real thing. And I know that NQY-SIL
feels the same for both herself and her daughters.
I do feel your pain, Thitpualso, and give you (((hugs))) because
these are people that you love. Feeling left out or not fully
included does hurt. A lot.
I have no advice. Sorry. Just know that you're not alone.
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