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#Post#: 16619--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: GardenGal Date: October 19, 2018, 2:36 pm
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[quote]It was BFbob that broke up with DD#2. DD#2 told me of a
couple of incidents that happened before they broke up. One
where BFbob got into a fist fight with one of his best friends!
blood and stitches and all that. Another where BFbob got falling
down stupid drunk at a wedding that they attended together. This
is NOT! BFbob. [/quote]
I'm glad your DD#2 is fine with the breakup, because it sure
sounds like, at least recently, BFBob is not acting like the
kind of person I'd want my child to be dating. He isn't
supporting her in her business choices, he's acting like a
nasty, dangerous drunk, and I think she's well rid of him.
And what is a horseradish party????
#Post#: 16620--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Jem Date: October 19, 2018, 2:49 pm
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[quote author=jpcher link=topic=751.msg16540#msg16540
date=1539895283]
DD#2 emailed me the other day asking "Did you ask BFbob to go
grocery shopping with you?"
I replied "I didn't know if it was okay to talk to him. I didn't
want to make you feel uncomfortable." She said "I think he would
appreciate the invite." So I emailed him and he will be joining
us for breakfast and grocery shopping.
[/quote]
I may have missed a backstory somewhere, but this portion of the
OP confused me. Why would Bob want to accompany anyone grocery
shopping, let alone his ex-girlfriend's mother? Why would DD ask
whether the OP asked Bob to go grocery shopping? Is DD2 going on
this grocery shopping excursion also, or just the OP and Bob? I
can't envision this!
I am reminded of one of my friends whose mom was
veryveryveryvery close with my friend and with my friend's
friends growing up and into adulthood. An odd level of closeness
compared to my relationship with my mom, but I didn't really
think that much about it....until my friend did something that
her mom disagreed with (my friend was in her 30s.....) and the
mom gave my friend the cut direct (!!!!!!) The mom contacted me
to bitch about her daughter (my friend) and cut me off when I
basically refused to engage with her in that way. The mom
started trying to cozy up to my friend's other friends and
ex-husband. It came across as extremely dysfunctional and odd to
pretty much everyone. It was especially uncomfortable for the
ex-husband who just wanted to live his life and not have his
former mother in law pump him for gossip or want to do date like
things with him (there is a child involved). I'm not saying this
situation is that, just that I think it is a mistake for the OP
to assume that the DD's friends view the OP as friends on the
same level. It would be rather strange if they did for everyone,
I would think!
#Post#: 16632--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: jpcher Date: October 19, 2018, 5:07 pm
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[quote author=Model link=topic=751.msg16584#msg16584
date=1539957822]
I don't understand why you think your daughter made a wrong
choice when it was BFBob who broke up with HER.
It is normal to feel upset, as he was in your life too for a
long time. But as others have said, this was their relationship,
not yours. Follow your daughter's lead.
[/quote]
My very strong apologies, re-reading my OP I saw that I left out
the important part while DD#2 was talking to me about the break
up. She said maybe I was wrong for opening my own business
instead of concentrating on the relationship. Maybe I should
have listened to his suggestions. Maybe if things were
different, types of comments. No. I will never tell her that she
was wrong in her choices. I firmly stand behind her and will
support her with whatever choices she makes.
[quote author=Jem link=topic=751.msg16620#msg16620
date=1539978590]
I may have missed a backstory somewhere, but this portion of the
OP confused me. Why would Bob want to accompany anyone grocery
shopping, let alone his ex-girlfriend's mother? Why would DD ask
whether the OP asked Bob to go grocery shopping? Is DD2 going on
this grocery shopping excursion also, or just the OP and Bob? I
can't envision this!
[/quote]
Because it's tradition. When DD#2 first suggested that I invite
him for the shopping she said "He's been shopping with you for
like the last 5 parties." Which is true. We have it down to a
science ;). I write the list, give him 1/2 for one side of the
store while I work the other side of the store and get the
shopping done in no time. Sometimes DD#2's been available to
shop with us, sometimes not.
Plus he enjoys helping with the prep-work for apps, etc. (he
made an awesome bruschetta topping today ;D) And today DD#1 and
her BFsam were with us for breakfast, shopping, prep work. The
three of them hadn't seen each other for 4+months so they all
had a good time together. DD#2 was working.
Right now DD#1 and BFbob went to DD#2's salon for haircuts.
I get the feeling that DD#2 and BFbob are on a soft break up, if
that makes sense.
I hear your thoughts and strongly listen to your sage advice.
Like when BFbob asked about Thanksgiving plans? I said "The
usual, Aunt's house." He asked about the day after I said "I
don't know, I haven't heard anything." which is true. Vague,
non-inviting, then bean-dip.
Rose Red --
[quote author=Rose Red link=topic=751.msg16586#msg16586
date=1539958602]
Jpcher, I suggest you read back on all the posts you have made
about DD2 throughout the years. I know you love her, but I don't
think you give her enough credit.
[/quote]
Please trust me, when I post about DD#2 it's not because I have
any doubts about her at all. It's because I have doubts about
me. I am her strongest champion, but sometimes I don't know the
best way to support her. Through the years you all have helped
me in so many ways from "you're doing a great job!" to "Wake up,
you're an idiot!"
You all have helped me with DD#1 as well . . . her freshman year
in college, going through her major break-up, bad roommates,
what does she want to do with her life? Crying on the phone to
me because "This is sooo hard!" while I sang her lullabies to
put her to sleep. Now she has her big-girl job.
Sorry, side track, but I give both of my daughters credit for
what they've gone through. They've grown to be strong successful
women.
A huge part of that comes from the village that I belong to.
Thank you all for being there when I needed you.
[quote author=GardenGal link=topic=751.msg16619#msg16619
date=1539977813]
I'm glad your DD#2 is fine with the breakup, because it sure
sounds like, at least recently, BFBob is not acting like the
kind of person I'd want my child to be dating. He isn't
supporting her in her business choices, he's acting like a
nasty, dangerous drunk, and I think she's well rid of him.
And what is a horseradish party????
[/quote]
Yeah, she's handling it like a champ. I'm sure she's hurting
deep down inside but she has other things to worry about instead
of concentrating on a crumbling relationship. In her words "He
needs to be able to pick himself up when he falls. I can't
always be there to coddle him. Is that wrong of me to say that?"
Me, again, No. You are not wrong.
Horseradish party? We grow horseradish in our garden. It's been
an annual party for 20+years when we harvest the horseradish.
Everybody brings their own steaks (or whatever they like to
grill that goes with horseradish), I provide all the
sides/apps/drinks and it's a wonderful friendly get-together
meal.
Best part? Grinding up all that fresh wonderful horseradish and
everybody goes home with a small container of horseradish.
#Post#: 16633--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: gramma dishes Date: October 19, 2018, 7:05 pm
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How do you grind it? My husband LOVES horseradish on
everything. I know I can buy it whole in some of the better
supermarkets and food stores, but I don't know whether to shred
it, chop it, grate it ... ? - or how to do those things!
#Post#: 16647--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: LifeOnPluto Date: October 20, 2018, 12:07 am
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FWIW, it sounds to me like your DD2 is making great choices.
She's setting herself up for a career, trying new things, and
staying positive after being dumped by her long-term boyfriend.
I hope ex-BFBob was not pressuring her to choose between "him
and the business". Even if he wasn't, the drunkeness and
fist-fights are not good traits for a partner to have!
I realise you posted this question, not your DD2, but personally
if I were in her shoes, I'd cut all ties with her ex. In my
experience, it's way too hard and painful to stay friends with
an ex, especially if they're the one who initiated the break-up.
I think DD2 will move on much quicker (and be open to meeting a
more suitable partner) if she limits contact with Bob.
#Post#: 16653--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Chez Miriam Date: October 20, 2018, 2:57 am
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Sounds like you are doing it right - taking your lead from DD2
as to how much contact is appropriate with BFBob.
Who knows? She may want him to get help with his anger
management issues, and want to start again? If everyone has
remained cordial during a "break", that is a lot easier than Mum
taking sides for or against BFBob.
It may be that she's been trying to help him for seven years,
and now no longer wants him to try and control what she does...
[To me, a huge red flag is someone who doesn't want the other
person to have a job/career that is satisfying to them; add that
to physical violence, and my hinky-meter is veering way to the
right!]
What you don't want to do, is what my aunt did: keep up the
picture of the first husband; talk up the first husband; chat
(almost boastfully) about keeping up contact [more than with her
daughter] with the first husband; refuse to replace the photo of
the first husband with the second [or indeed third] husband...
You get the picture.
I know (because she told me) how much that hurt my cousin.
I also know, that you wouldn't do that! I'm just mentioning my
aunt as a really good example of what not to do.
{{Hugs}}, because you don't get a say in this, but you do get to
help pick up any pieces - but it really sounds like DD2 has her
head screwed on right, and will do what's right for her.
The only thing I would stress is how wonderful it is that she
started her own business - wonderful, entrepreneurial, young
women of the 21st Century are to be applauded! [And no-one
should be trying to stuff them into a 1930s housewife box!]
#Post#: 16671--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: jpcher Date: October 20, 2018, 12:12 pm
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Thank you everybody for your thoughtful, caring advice. Once
again you are helping me walk through this situation in my mind.
[quote author=Jem link=topic=751.msg16587#msg16587
date=1539958879]
I forget the timeline, but isn't DD2 relatively young? If she
has been with Bob for seven years, she probably does not have
any experience dating someone who is NOT Bob. And if the two
started dating as teenagers, the chances of them developing in
exactly the same ways at exactly the same speed are slim. The
way Bob acted likely IS how Bob is right now, even if it is not
what he was like when he was 18 and not what he will be like
when he is 30.
[/quote]
I think this is important and it is something that I've given
thoughts to over the years. Thank you for bringing it up.
Neither of my DDs casually dated around much. They found a
person and stuck. DD#2 dated her BF#2 for three years (from her
sophomore year in HS until her Sr. year) . . . does anybody
remember my Hinky-Meter stories about him on the old thread?
There was just something about him that bothered me.
DD#1 was best friends with her BF#1 since her freshman year in
HS before they were officially a couple in Jr. year. They went
to the same college together and broke up end of Freshman year
in college when he "came out." (so, 3 years there.) It broke her
heart but all is good with them, still very strong friends. It
was maybe a year later when she met her BFsam. They've been
together for 5+ years now.
BFbob is BF#1's older brother. So through the years of family
get-togethers and simply friends hanging out DD#2 and BFbob
became friends. After less than a year or so of DD#2 breaking up
with BF#2 (he was part of the friends group, and was ousted from
the group once they broke up) DD#2 and BFbob started dating.
So, yeah, neither one of my DDs have done much fishing/dating
around. They find a person, fall in love, and stick.
Don't know if that's a good thing or bad thing.
[quote author=gramma dishes link=topic=751.msg16633#msg16633
date=1539993934]
How do you grind it? My husband LOVES horseradish on
everything. I know I can buy it whole in some of the better
supermarkets and food stores, but I don't know whether to shred
it, chop it, grate it ... ? - or how to do those things!
[/quote]
Cut the root into 1-2inch chunks, throw it into a food processor
(for small amounts I guess a blender would work as well), and
grind away. Depending on how much you have you can put it in all
at once or add a hand-full or two at a time. Add some water
during the grinding, a little at a time, so that it doesn't
stick to the sides. I also add some vinegar, just a bit for
additional bite (I've done it without the vinegar and it's just
as good, vinegar adds a more tasty liquid instead of just
water.) Grind to small granular chunks, no big chunks yet not
smooth. Enjoy!
Oh, and if you feel the need to smell the horseradish after it's
done grinding? Be prepared for watery eyes and clean sinuses.
It's that good. ;D
#Post#: 16672--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: Jem Date: October 20, 2018, 12:40 pm
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So Bob and Sam are brothers? I did not realize that! Do your DDs
spend holidays with Bob and Sam’s family then?
#Post#: 16673--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: LadyX Date: October 20, 2018, 12:48 pm
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If I read it correctly, BF#1 is not BFsam
BFbob is BF#1's brother, not BFsam.
#Post#: 16721--------------------------------------------------
Re: When your child goes through a break-up
By: jpcher Date: October 21, 2018, 10:35 am
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LadyB is correct, BFbob is DD#1's ex-BF#1's brother. BFsam was
completely outside the old set of friends. ;).
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